abraxaslogs | I don't trust, but I see right in front of me

He doesn't honestly see what the problem is.

"No? She is a regal being that should be respected far more than the stuffy human Thorne mages."

Yes, Lucifer much prefers a feline than humans. Except for the whole five or something people he genuinely likes, Kell included.

He supposes Kell still doesn't know his stance on........ existence.

Kell finally stops spectating and goes down to actually help with the weeding.

"When you put it like this? Yes, I can see the point."

He'd be the last person to say Thornean mages are pinnacle of creation. To be honest, he wouldn't have said it about anyone. Everyone ~~but Rhy~~ is a little shitty. Cats? Cats are fine. Kell prefers dogs anyway.

"So, what's the story of the queen cat?"

"Her name is Essie, she goes by 'the Duchess.' She's a calico. I don't think the cat actually has some great life story; I don't know, archangels can't speak to animals."

Except Michael can, but Lucifer doesn't know that, and anyway still not an angelic ability.

Kell looks up from the ground, hand hovering over the patch of weeds he was about to pull out. This is weird. It's definitely not the answer he expected. Now, he's curious.

"Does anyone? Animals are just animals, they don't really speak."

Archangels. They don't really talk about it. Lucifer didn't go into much detail about the specifics of his nature. Kell didn't really pry. He has a thing he doesn't people poking at. So it would be pretty hypocritical to demand from Lucifer what he wouldn't want to really talk much about himself. Of course, he realizes Lucifer is not human. That what he sees is only a borrowed shell. It used to creep him out. Probably not the greatest testament to the integrity of his character that he got so used to it that it doesn't anymore.

"So what do archangels do? "

"Animals probably have more to say than humans," Lucifer says, which may be continuing his abysmal opinion of humans. "You just need to right magic to communicate with them." He knows it's possible. Witchcraft, mostly.

He hmmms under his breath, thumbing at a particular flower that looked to be eaten partially by some kind of insect and pulls it, too.

"Archangels hold sovereignty over lesser beings," he says mildly, matter of fact. "The controlling presence over Heaven, Hell, Earth." He rolls his head on his shoulder to give Kell an unblinking stare and says dully, "I haven't done the greatest job at that." Any of it, even. His last throne he lost to a weaselly underling worm.

"Really?" Kell looks at Lucifer with genuine surprise.

That's all new to him. Maybe that's lack of imagination on his part because yes, magic flows equally through all living things. Stronger in some, weaker in others. So does life itself. It's pretty embarrassing now that he thinks about. He did catch himself talking to a plant once. So maybe his surprise is unfounded.

"Lesser beings," he repeats with a nod, tempted to ask do people count as lesser beings to archangels. Something tells him they do. But then Lucifer delivers a scathing review of his own performance, and Kell just laughs.

"Are trying to tell me you were a shitty king?"

"It's like..." Man, what's a human-y way to put it? "'There's an app for that.'" It's not his fault that Kell probably didn't have smartphones in his world. "There's magic for nearly any and everything."

Whether or not he likes it, whatev. It's a thing and he just has to accept it... which to be fair, he supposes, he's had to use magic more than ever to survive. It's Academic Magic or squat, because Lucifer's own abilities are so debilitating to him that he's had to take on other options.

That's really the biggest fall Abraxas has done to him, but at least he's not in Solvunn.

Ha!

But hey wait--

"I was a great king, thank you. My armies quaked in fear at my name alone, begged to be in my presence." He really hated being in theirs though. "It's here that's the problem. Downgraded to a footsoldier, fodder basically. I should be more but it's all crawling and scratches at the bottom of the barrel."

"Well, you said it yourself." Kell doesn't truly realize he's gesticulating with a dead plant to completely unintentional comical effect. "That you weren't good at this. So what happened?"

Forgive him for jumping at this contradiction, but it's an obvious one, and Kell regrets asking the moment he asks his question.

"Forget I asked. I don't want to drag out something unpleasant."

He understands the feeling, even if not the scope, of being trapped. Rattling at the bars like a wild animal. It's eerie how with all the limitations Thorne puts on them, Kell still feels more free here than he had ever felt at home. Doesn't mean he approves of the mad queen and her weak husband. Doesn't mean he has no opinion on what they do and how utterly bad it is. But it makes everything that one bit more tolerable for him.

So he can imagine what utter horror it must feel to be in an opposite situation.

"It's probably not that helpful to hear, but your footsoldier is most likely still leagues beyond what most people are capable of."

And because he's not as smart or as reasonable as he makes people believe, and because he's curiosity tends to get the better of him especially in situations where it shouldn't, he asks another question.

"Do you think Singularity is blocking you for a reason?"

Because it can only be one thing in this world capable of putting a lid on a divine being.

It's good that Kell diverts the topic because Lucifer's initial answer would have been the usual 'my family betrayed me' clouded over by the more complicated 'I betrayed my family' and splitting down the lines of 'I was silently screaming for help and cast aside for doing my duty and loving who I was meant to love and abandoned because I couldn't follow the Humanity Plan and--'

There's a reason that if people actually recognize his name and all its connotations that they know to not ask about his Family Problems.

"Family is always unpleasant," he says, anyway, and it's the easiest answer. "It doesn't matter even when you're as old as I am, the petty problems remain the same. The sting of betrayal and who was right or wrong and how many people hurt for it."

... Okay so some of it still dribbled out of him. The sad thing is this was him going lightly into it.

He's crushing a flower in his palm.

Whoops.

He lets it go but the damage is already done.

Maybe it'll recover. He'll check in a few days.

Kell's correct though in that he is better off than many.

"It's not the Singularity blocking me," he explains. "I was attacked before I came here. My power was cut and bled out of me. It'll eventually regenerate but there's no records on how long that might take. Years, minimum, I'm guessing." One year down!! Yay...

Kell scoffs. Family. He's only ever had one person he could genuinely call that. Rhy. Having been ripped away from his home and dragged here did improve things for him on that front. A lot. He still has Rhy. That's the most important. He'd die without him. But now he also has Jayce and Istredd. Lucifer and Wilhelm absolutely count into their weird ensemble too. Further out, there's Kyle and Viktor. And Mat, and Jesper. So many people Kell started to rely on, people he feels safe with, people he lets see the side of him that's not always brooding or angry at the world. So no. It's not always unpleasant. A year ago he would have agreed, now he simply cannot.

"It mostly is. Though I'd say the one I chose for myself here is a major improvement over what I had back home."

It's good that Lucifer doesn't look. So he won't see how Kell freezes with each world he speaks. I was attacked That he doesn't see how Kell's hand shoots to his throat, to the jagged scar that crosses it. It's a faint line at this point, mostly healed. Still, a reminder of the metal collar that burned his skin, blocking his magic, draining his power along with his blood. My power was cut and bled out of me. Kell is only able to stare in horror, speechless and immobile. Memory of this nightmare springing unwanted to the forefront of his mind. For the brief moment, he feels it all over again. The dread, the desperation, Holland's... no, Osaron's laughter ringing in his ears. Unable to move, unable to fight, barely able to breathe.

Chosen family, right...

Hm.

Except Lucifer does end up looking because usually his 'woeful' 'sob' story about his state earns a response. It should earn a response, at least from Kell he'd have figured.

So he glances over, surprise shuttering behind a frown, gaze flicking from the hand pressed at Kell's neck to his eyes.

Interestingly enough his fake brother had cut Lucifer at the neck to bleed his grace. Such a small vial but so incredibly potent. But that Michael had oh so 'kindly' healed the cut.

"Kell?"

Still his racing heart, remember to breathe. Kell has to remind himself he is not in the white room, chained to a cage, with Osaron threatening him with cutting out his magic out of him, then following on his threat when he doesn't agree to let him in. Letting him bleed on the floor and laughing, letting him hear Rhy's heart slowing down, their connection growing weaker as blood and magic drain from him, staining the white stones below him red.

Kell's eyes glaze back into focus at the sound of Lucifer's voice. He takes one shaky breath, then another, red creeping up his cheekbones as his embarrassment grows. He looks away.

"I'm fine. It's nothing. Just something I remembered."

Uh huh.

He drops his gaze again so Kell doesn't feel pressed by the weight of it.

"I'm the top student when it comes to shoving things down that should likely be spoken about," Lucifer says carefully. "But I won't push."

He probably should. How many of them here are actually fine when they say so. Wall it all up.

"It's fine. It's not as if I can run away from it forever."

Kell bites his lower lips, the most visible sign of distress that he ever displays.

"I waltzed into a trap like an idiot. Willingly. Ended in a cage designed to keep Antari like me confined. Upgraded to slowly drain my magic from me. All the while people who did this to me planned an invasion on my home country. Which I was supposed to protect, and instead I run away from it. Run a way from my duty. I run away even from Rhy."

There. The last one is the worst part.

"And when the collar closed on my neck I knew how much I fucked up this time, but it was too late. I could do nothing but scream and thrash against my shackles. I broke both my wrists to get out, but could do nothing about the collar. I just lied there on the floor of a cage bleeding out."

Saying it out loud when he's been reliving his nightmare over and over again ever since he was Summoned, it seems all too easy. Now that he started, Kell can't stop. Maybe it's the company. It's certain to raise a few eyebrows, but Lucifer is one of few people Kell feels safe enough with to venture into such dangerous territory. It helps that he doesn't push, that he doesn't sugar coat anything for his sake.

"I blacked out. I thought I died. Next thing I knew, Ambrose's lackeys were dragging me from the Summoning pool still broken and bleeding, but free from the irons."

He raises both hands up, peeling up the sleeves of his shirt to bare his wrists, and jagged, white lines running round each one.

"I still have the scars here, and one on the neck from the collar."

He glances over only to trace his gaze over the scars. Likely having Kyle by his neck against a tree in those woods didn't help much for multiple reasons, sorry, Kell.

"I was thrown and locked into a Cage for much of my life. I'd done things, sure, much against my family, but my Father wasn't looking for a solution. That's not the point." Rare does Lucifer not seek the opportunity to press the unfairness of his life.

"Wanda had asked me once if I'd rather die than be locked up like that again."

He tilts his head, but doesn't look away from his work.

Lucifer isn't the type to offer empty condolences.

When you're in a situation like this you don't want things like 'I'm sorry that happened to you.' You don't even want 'it won't happen again.'

Escape plans are great and all.

But making sure it can't happen again? If you were caught? That's important.

"I'd offer you the same consideration."

Kell did not expect cuddling from Lucifer. He did not expect well-meaning platitudes. So he's not surprised or offended at the question. In fact, he did think about it. He did consider several scenarios, and his reactions to them. But there's one factor that he believes makes his situation unique.

"My life is not only my own. Were it so, the answer would have been simple."

Besides Antari are famously difficult to kill. Blood will always protect its own vessel.

Your life should always be your own, he wants to say, and it's annoying, annoying that it can't be, annoyed that Kell's so held up by family or whatever is there, that maybe it's guilt for running, maybe it's overwhelming--useless duty. When has duty ever done any of them any good.

"Can I ask you something?"

He's not really looking for permission, because he's going to ask anyway.

"When Kyle and I found you in the woods..." When Kell found them, but, semantics. He knows even bringing this up when Lucifer was so against explaining what Kell walked in on is risky. He's picking at something though, so he'll have to. "You turned white as the snow around us when Kyle mentioned Rhy needing you. Why?" Was it related to the story Kell just told him or something else?

"Oh, that silly thing."

Kell attempts to shrug off any potential concern, but he's not as good at hiding what he feels as he likes to think. There's a brief flash of that old pain, like a knife cutting deep to the bone, crossing his face before it settles into just plain sad.

"I need him too, and he wasn't there. He wasn't the one to come to my rescue."

Kell looks up to Lucifer, sadness gone replace by grim determination.

"Don't get me wrong. He wasn't there because I insisted he shouldn't. We decided this together. I told him myself that I will be fine, and he should go where his skills can make a difference. And I was right. He did. He's just that good."

Kell lets out a short laugh. Not a happy one. No.

"I wanted him to drop everything and come save me. I wanted him to be the one to find me. I wanted to be more important than anything else. And I haven't told him any of this when we spoke in the Horizon that first time after almost a month that I was able to access it after breaking out of the cave. He'd probably do this. He would have dropped everything."

Probably. It's unfair for him to ever doubt Rhy. He had never given him any reasons for that. And yet...

"Instead, I agreed with him that he should go with the other team. That I know from Viktor you were coming, and I'm perfectly fine with it. That it is the right thing to do. That all those that stayed in that horrid cave needed his negotiation skills more than me wishing he'd just hold my hand. Because they did! And we will see each other in Nocwich, I just needed to wait a little longer. Surely, I could manage that."

It felt like stabbing yourself with a knife, over and over, and over again.

"So you see, silly."

Silly, right.

He can imagine the completely mythical situation that had a time where him and Michael weren't enemies and wanting Michael to 'save him' but knowing that he was needed elsewhere and how terrible he'd feel, anyway.

He relates to Kell in a lot of ways but relating to his relationship with Rhy is always the worst.

"And so you want to make your life choices around this guy, anyway," Lucifer states. It's not fair to. He knows it's not. But when has he ever been fair? "Has he even given as much to you as you keep giving to him to what, make up for running away?"

Kell closes his eyes shaking his head. No, no, this is all wrong. Lucifer gets it all wrong. The way he makes it sound, he simply doesn't understand. But can anyone? They cannot. They weren't there. They don't know Holland. They don't know his adopted parents. How could they understand?

"Yes." It's a short answer. "He did. He had. So much. He was there for me before anyone else. Before anyone even thought it worth a try."

It's a meagre attempt at expressing the totality of what he feels. Another feeble attempt at explaining himself. A failed one, since it misses one crucial bit.

"I love him."

Not a lot better.

For anyone else that might be enough.

For Lucifer, who understands just as many layers and levels, he needs more than that.

Because the Beginning doesn't matter.

"Does he love you?"

"He does."

It's in his whole posture, how he suddenly lights up, straightens up, weight, years, worries lifting by those two words. It's painfully obvious how fresh it is.

"It's a bit more complicated than just that."

They're not exclusive. Kell doesn't mind sharing. He's grateful to have anything. That they can be anything more than they've ever been back in Arnes.

"It always is." More complicated than that.

He blows out a breath.

Who is he to call Kell and idiot right then.

He shifts down along the flowerbed to a new patch in lieu of responding further right away.

"So if you were captured again, what would you want?"

"Break free. Whatever it takes."

Like he did the first time. Rather, like he tried.

"That's what I tried then. They fished me out of the summoning pond pretty broken, you know."

Both of his hands were broken - a self-inflicted injury while he was trying to free himself from the shackless Holland had put him in. A nasty, bleeding, open wound where the collar has been. There's still a thin white line crossing his neck. A scar. Almost invisible, unless you know where to look.

He sighs.

Well, it wasn't like he didn't figure it.

He's of a similar mind, himself. Whether it be limbs or blood or honestly bleeding grace, losing pieces of himself or taking as many casualties with him as he could.

He won't be kept under lock and key for longer than a day. The last time was an exception. It had to stuff down every piece of him to not lash out like a monster.

"Whatever it takes," he agrees.

This had been a lighter conversation to start with. Sorry, Kell.

But it was nonetheless an important one.

I don't trust, but I see right in front of me

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it's been a wild ride, and very satisfying, but maybe let's finish their gardening philosophy soon?

yes that's fine! Kell can either leave him to his devices (misery) or fade to them just working?

let's have it fade to them just working, he's a good kid