abraxaslogs | maybe i'm a mess

[ He narrows his gaze at her for a moment, head tipping to the side in curious speculation. ]

But not finite affection. And I know for a fact that's not all mine.

[ He's seen them together these past months. The expressions that would flicker across their faces, the looks that softened in their gazes. The smiles exchanged. True, that was a little tense right now - which he was still trying to figure out - but he knew he hadn't imagined the rest of it.

The recent gala alone should be proof of that, shouldn't it? That night had been... perfect. Yes, they'd all been a little tipsy but. It had still felt right.

So he's not sure why she's suddenly trying to laugh it off now. ]

Edited 2023-05-23 04:17 (UTC)

No, you're right it was for Petra too.

[ Despite being caught off guard earlier she doesn't miss a beat now. And it isn't said with bitterness or anything that could be remotely considered jealous. She seems to droop, as if it had taken all her energy to keep the lingering sadness about the departure of their friends off of her.

The pieces fall into place and she wonders if this is what he'd meant all along with the fuss over tea, the lunch, and the solitude. ]

[ When her whole form slumps at that response, he pushes away from the counter, coming around it until he could wrap his arms around her from behind, tugging her back against his chest. He brushes a kiss against the top of her head, wishing he could make this hurt less for them both somehow. ]

I miss her, too. [ His voice is quiet, the words murmured against her hair. But he doesn't pull away just yet. ] But Petra's not the only one, either. And before you try to distract me with Mari, I know she was important to him, too - and to you, and if I could have kept them both here just for the sheer factor of not having you two miss them so much and be hurting like this, I'd do it in a heartbeat. [ Whether that was selfish or not. He'd never claimed to not be a selfish person, after all. ]

I know you're both grieving the loss. What I don't get is why the two of you are avoiding each other now when you both need each other the most.

[ The awful thing is, is that as selfish and greedy as she can be, the grief she feels has little to do with her and more to do with Claude. Yes, she and Petra had been growing closer to one another and making up for time they would not have had otherwise at home. And of course she was upset that Marianne had been sent home just as quickly as she had arrived. But neither of those two things equated to what Claude must have been feeling.

A part of her doesn't feel deserving of Sylvain's comfort. Not when she hasn't lost as dearly as Claude has. That doesn't stop her from raising her hands to clasp at Sylvain's arms as she leans her head back against his chest. She purposefully doesn't let the silence stretch on too long as she lets out a small sigh. ]

I'm not avoiding him. [ It's not as quite airtight of a lie as she's like, but it's what she's given him. ] I've just been really busy. [ There's a brief pause before continuing. ] Alucard asked if I would join the team managing the Old Public Hall and I have to give him an answer soon.

[ He's fairly certain that's not the truth - or at least, not the full truth. Oh, not the excuse, he knows she's been working with Alucard, but he has a feeling that has very little to do with why she's made herself so scarce, now of all times.

But he follows the thread, tugging on it, just to see where it takes him. ]

Do you know what you're going to tell him?

[ It's partially the truth. Not that she's started any actual work related to the management of the Old Public Hall yet, but she's certainly been keeping busy in an attempt to not think too hard about it.

What she does offer up is completely the truth however. ]

Not yet. I keep going back and forth about whether or not I should. It's a lot of work. [ Read: Responsibility. ] And I've never done something like that before either. I mean it's his and Jaskier's first real project. Talk about daunting.

[ His arms tighten for a moment in a faint squeeze, staying wrapped around her from behind as he listens to her explanation. ]

Just because you've never done it before doesn't mean you can't. Do you want to try?

[ Because he feels like that's the more important argument here. ]

[ Yes. ]

No. I don't know.

[ Anxiety prickles along her arm and skins like little spider bites at the thought. Volunteering to help out and actually committing to something were two entirely different things. ]

I guess it's better than working at the Sarstina. There'll be way less heavy lifting for one. And the hours won't be as long either.

Edited 2023-05-24 20:59 (UTC)

[ That 'no' didn't sound convincing in the least. Although he can feel that thinking about it is making her... nervous? He's still struggling to memorize - and translate - the things he feels from her, especially when she feels it strongly.

While she's not as hard to read as Claude, she's not exactly easy, either. And he's been getting a whole host of conflicting feelings from her recently. ]

What would he have you doing?

Running the day to day operations I guess. It'll also have to do with being in contact with the various acting guilds, making sure that actors and singers have a place to perform and that it all runs smoothly.

[ She had barely asked Alucard for details, paralyzed by anxiety and shocked that he had even considered asking her at all. In hindsight, she realizes that she should have but she makes a note to reach out to him later about it. ]

I'm sure there's other things too. Like making sure the books are kept in check and that costumes and accessories are kept in good condition. He did say it would mostly be delegating and working together with the other committee members but...

[ Her voice trails off seemingly overwhelmed with the sheer amount that she would still be counted on to do. ]

It still sounds like a lot of work now that I've laid it out like that, huh?

It does.

[ It sounds pretty daunting indeed, to him, and he's not even the one with all that work looming. But they're both good at very different things, and he's quick to give her another squeeze, letting his chin rest atop her head as he keeps her tucked against his chest, arms still wrapped warmly around her. ]

But every one of those things sound like things you'd be great at. Including the delegating, but you're really good at coordinating with people. And the costumes and accessories would be right up your alley, too. Alucard made a good choice in asking you.

[ Hilda lapses into silence. The thought of disappointing him made Hilda sick to her stomach, particularly with how much she respected him. The real reason behind her reluctance begins to surface. In truth, the work - while it does feel like a lot - doesn't feel like that much work in hindsight, especially when it came to the costumes and accessories.

Her expression falls as she squeezes Sylvain's arm back seeking comfort. ]

I don't want him to get his hopes up.

[ He hears how her voice falls at that quiet admission and lets his hands stroke along her arms soothingly. Then he shifts until he can spin her around to face him instead, crouching down until he’s at eye level with her, just to give her a serious look. ]

I don’t think that’s going to be a problem you have to worry about.

Edited 2023-05-29 20:25 (UTC)

Do you know something I don't, Sylvain?

[ Being spun around suddenly means that she's caught off guard, but after a beat she lets out a laugh even if it sounds mildly hollow. ]

I respect Alucard a lot - and Jaskier by extension. And I like the rest of the team too. The last thing I'd want is for them end up hating me for making a mistake or doing something wrong or -

[ She seems to ramble, beginning to list off all the things that could potentially go wrong. It's clear that she's had plenty of time to think about all the ways in which she could fail despite her best efforts to simply not think about it.

[ He can literally feel when her anxiety starts to snowball, building off of itself as she lets her own fears get the better of her as she makes what he's sure she thinks are very reasonable arguments.

He thinks they're all bullshit, but doubts she'd appreciate being told that. So instead, he tries a different tactic for interrupting her.

His hands braced on either side of her stool, pinning her in between him and the counter at her back, he leans in and claims her lips with his own, interrupting her mid-argument with a kiss intended to completely derail that disastrous train of thought. ]

[ The kiss is unexpected for a number of reasons. Her brain is so focused on everything that can go wrong should she take up this position in the Old Public Hall that it doesn't quite register that Sylvain's lips are suddenly on hers.

Whatever word she had half way out of her mouth ends up becoming muffled when he kisses her and her brain feels like it trips over itself several times. For a brief second her body takes over and she presses back into it. It feels good to kiss him, for it to dispel the worry she had been so overwhelmed with moments before.

This isn't the first time they've kissed, but it's the first time that they've kissed in a while (although the night of the gala doesn't count in her mind) and so many things have happened between that night in his and Claude's room. The cultists, the gala, he and Claude becoming something - and it's the latter that incites the start of panic.

She knows that Sylvain doesn't think twice about this being anything more than a kiss. Claude doesn't either. And normally she's that same camp. But that doesn't stop some kind of guilt mingled with something else rising in the back of her throat that forces her to pull away, purposefully choosing not to rest her forehead against his. Quietly she lets out a little laugh as if she's trying to pretend that she hadn't just been shaken by what he'd done. ]

Am I going to have to prepare myself for surprise kisses anytime you want to get a word in?

Hmm. What a good idea. I'm so glad you suggested it.

[ He doesn't pull back, even when she shifts back away a little to search his face. The reactions he's feeling from her are a tangled jumble of confusing contradictions, but he doesn't let it distract him from the moment. ]

Although I think you should just prepare yourself for surprise kisses in general. Or not. You turn such pretty shades of pink when I catch you off-guard.

[ She can't help but groan as she rolls her head back slightly. ]

That's not what I was suggesting and you know that.

[ And sure enough, seconds later after he says that she turns pretty shades of pink her cheeks do just that. Eyes still firmly heavenward, she lets out a sigh. ]

You're awful.

[ A part of her is torn between just having fun and wanting to tell him that he shouldn't. That even if Claude doesn't mind and that he doesn't mind, she thinks she might mind. That kissing casually might cause more trouble than its worth - but maybe not that because she can practically see him grinning much like he is now saying that he loved trouble.

It would be hypocritical for her to say that he just do this to get a reaction out of her or to stop her from rambling (because the doubt in her head says that it's nothing more than that; she is no complex puzzle or someone who shattered expectations) when she had done that to people before. So she really should just stop over thinking it and just let it just be a kiss. Instead she simply falls silent. ]

So I've been told. Quite often.

[ The fond smile is indeed lingering audibly in his tone as he watches the pink washes over her cheeks. But then she goes back to avoiding his gaze, her response quite a bit quieter than he expected from her, and the teasing falls away once more.

Reaching up, he tips her head back down towards him so he can see her face. His dark gaze searches her expression, trying to read more than she's letting him see. ]

I really do think you're perfect for the job at the Hall, Hilda. [ Is she truly worried about it that much, or is this something else? He lets his thumb slide lightly against her still-pink cheek. ] But if it's stressing you out to the point that you're making yourself unhappy, I'm sure he'd understand, too.

[ There's an indiscernible, mildly exasperated mumble from her just as Sylvain tugs her chin and gaze gently back to him. Immediately her eyes dart away. She bites down on the inside of the cheek that isn't being so lovingly caressed.

Eventually she dares to look at Sylvain properly, letting his words settle on her skin uncomfortably like some kind of itchy, wool sweater. Unfortunately, the Old Public Hall and the position Alucard had so graciously offered her is the least of her stressors even if she's reluctant to admit as much.

The look in Sylvain's eyes almost has her surrendering, loosening her tongue to admit the real source of her worries - but she catches herself before that can happen and smothers the word and the feeling back down into their tightly locked box. Instead she focuses on what she hopes comes across as the only thing troubling her. ]

I'm not unhappy, I'm - [ She lets out a breath, whatever word she was going to use exhaled and dispelled. ] just tired with all of the moving and the renovations, you know? I only have a couple more days before it's no longer considered fashionably late to reply to something.

[ He holds her gaze for a long moment, serious and searching. He's pretty sure that's not the truth. Or, at least, not the whole truth. He doesn't know what she's holding back, but there's something there. Something he suspects is more important than he can pick up on - he just doesn't understand why she's burying it so deep.

He debates pressing the point a moment longer before setting it aside. As much as he wants to know, want to understand, that's not a line he's ready to trod on just yet. So he just leans in and presses a tender kiss to her brow before wrapping his arms around her and lifting her off the stool and into his arms. ]

You're not going to come to a good decision if all you're doing is stressing over it. Come on.

[ When Sylain's lips meet her brow her eyes flutter closed letting the warmth and comfort from them wash over her. She doesn't protest or stir when he lifts her up, her legs hooking around his waist as she clings to him like that will somehow erase all of her stressors and worries.

Almost immediately she nuzzles her face into the crook of his neck. She's got plenty to fret about but she's always been good at pretending all of that away. It's easier too to pretend like she sounds just fine - or as fine as she can be considering what she's complaining about. ]

You better not be taking me to do any training. Do you know how many people have been on my case about that?

[ His laughter rumbles in his chest as he tucks her in against his chest, carrying her easily as he turns them away from the kitchen and heads back the hall towards the section that had been divided into their bedrooms. Instead of carrying her to her room, however, he heads towards his own, nudging the door shut behind him with his foot. ]

I'm kinda afraid to ask now. But no, no training today, I promise. You know I always avoided that almost as much as you did.

[ Which was true enough, to an extent. But he'd taken more care with it since arriving here. Still not enough that Felix or Ingrid would have been satisfied with, of course, but more than enough to keep his skills honed. Having people he wanted - needed - to protect proved to be really good motivation. ]

You need to relax and let your brain rest a little. And honestly, I could use the same. So we're taking a nap.

I knew there was a reason we got along.

[ Hilda's training had all but fallen by the wayside after arriving here. As loathe as she was to admit it, the harrowing experience in the mountains had been enough to silently prompt her into heavily reconsidering her stance about at least doing something; her muscles still remembered but she had far less endurance than she knew she had. Much like Sylvain, a lingering sentiment about protecting those that she cared about was still of the utmost importance to her.

When they arrive at their destination, she pulls back to observe him, eyes searching his face. ]

Not that I'm trying to delay our nap or anything, but is something bothering you?

[ He arches an eyebrow at her as he carries her towards his bed, bending to roll them both onto the mattress as he toes off his shoes. ]

Are you gonna tell me what's bothering you?

[ Fair's fair, Hilda. He'll trade you. ]

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