abraxaslogs | maybe i'm a mess

Hey, the pretty things also are the ones that can kill you.

[ Definitely not at all hinting around his garden plans or anything there, though it's said with a scoff of disbelief as though Sylvain's said something utterly ridiculous rather than accurate. It's also said as he winds a leg through the other's and uses that to wedge himself closer still. What comes next is a question he doesn't want to answer, and a deflection is on the top of his tongue ready to go. That seems pointless in the end considering he'd already been caught, more or less, with evidence proving it. ]

Sometimes.

[ He could just leave it there. That's enough of an answer and sums it up nicely. Claude's figured out by now that brevity won't stop Sylvain from worrying so he takes another moment to consider that before speaking up again. ]

That's always been normal enough for me, though.

[ Which is true: the war had merely provided him a convenient cover even if he really had stayed awake poring over strategy after strategy for fear of losing anyone if he made one wrong move. Sleeplessness had been even more productive then than the nights he'd stayed up late reading, tinkering with something, or just thinking. If anything, he's simply shifted back to that in his own mind now with yet another crisis having passed by and others yet he's working through turning over in his mind. ]

Why, thank you, I'm flattered.

[ There's a note of teasing in his voice, completely turning that around on Claude just because he could.

But when Claude falls silent, debates what answer to give, he just waits. Even if he's listening with more than just his ears for a reason tonight. The words he gets have him turning his head slightly so he can press his lips to the hollow at the base of Claude's throat, staying wrapped up tight around him. ]

I have noticed that, yes. [ There's a dry note to his voice, even though Sylvain has worried a lot about that - even before they'd been dragged to the Pit. Another kiss, this one pressed to the curve of his shoulder, before he huffs out a quiet breath. ]

You think too much.

[ There's a small groan from him with the exact energy of hearing a bad joke being told, if only because he can't resist being difficult (even if Sylvain's right) and this is the sort of moment where an eye roll can't be properly appreciated. It'd require moving and even if something about answering the question's made something restless stir in him, Claude's not inclined to actually untangle himself.

Especially not when lips find his throat and he closes his eyes. How different would it have been if he'd had this on those nights where being awake simply felt easier just like this one? Guilt follows that and washes sentiment out of it; there's a million reasons it wouldn't be. This is an impossibility anywhere but here - and Petra's departure, Marianne's too brief time here, and Hilda's pointed absences saying plenty in their wake have only brought that further into focus.

Maybe it's fortunate Sylvain can't see his face then when it takes him a second to pull it back together after those painful reminders surface and fade again to an ache, and instead Claude exhales in something that'll pass close enough to a laugh when another kiss pulls him back to the present. ]

I didn't have the option to not. [ No, that's not better. Time to pivot right on away from that. ] Fortunately, it also means it's part of why I'm undefeated at chess. Plenty of extra time to practice when you look at it that way, which you should probably fear once I dig my chess set out of the box it's packed away in.

[ He can't see his face, but he can feel that wash of grief. Even if he weren't focusing on what Claude's feeling, he's pretty sure Claude's feeling it strongly enough that Sylvain would have picked up on it anyway. His arms tighten around him in silent comfort, wishing there was more he could do to help. ]

I have no doubt you'll thoroughly kick my ass, I'm way out of practice. I'm pretty sure I haven't had a decent chess partner since our days back at the Academy anyway.

[ But he's not going to let Claude divert him so easily this time, and he presses another kiss to his throat. ]

You have the option to not here and now.

[ Arms wind tighter around him than they did before, and - hm. Even though he thought he'd held it together something must've slipped through anyway, and guilt flares up again now in two forms. Sylvain doesn't need to deal with this when he can handle it on his own, Claude thinks. Just like always; all he needs is some time to sort through everything.

And the same goes for wishing for this comfort when he did have it with Hilda and mourned it while here alone, and now they've ended up here, somehow. Maybe it was always meant to be temporary and he'd just imagined everything all along.

More to think about later because while he hears Sylvain ignoring his change of subject, he's just going to ignore it right back. That's one vulnerability too far to go over for now. ]

So what I'm hearing is that I should expect to keep my impressively long winning streak intact? That sounds like a good deal to me, actually. [ It's not difficult to sound entertained now - especially because Claude's fairly certain he can use that to spur Sylvain into all kinds of chess games, though he hums thoughtfully as he shifts to drawing figure eights along the other man's back. ] Maybe I'll teach you some other board games to even it out a bit. Or a card game I picked up from Ciri so then we can both branch out.

[ The fact that Claude pointedly ignored him pushing a little further isn't lost on him, but he bites back a quiet sigh. There was a line there, and he considered testing it for all of a heartbeat before backing away again. Claude already had enough on his plate - that wave of grief and the complicated feeling that had washed after it a moment later had been evidence enough on his plate.

But he made a mental note to definitely prod at it later. Today had already been full enough of uncomfortable conversations.

Which is why he lets Claude divert the topic entirely, even though he still wanted to prod, to understand, but Claude was - as ever - just as complicated as his chess strategies. ]

Hey, I did manage to beat you every now and then. [ It took a lot of effort but he could manage it. Even if he'd spent just as much time, back in those days, playing himself so as to not to come off as too clever. He had a terrible reputation to maintain, after all. And he was an expert at losing at chess without making it look like he was trying to lose. Which, really, just added a whole new layer to chess strategies. ]

But I'm not against learning some new games, either. Those times we'd find something to play in the courtyard when we were both bored or in between classes were pretty fun. [ It hadn't happened often, and Sylvain's pretty sure Claude would have grabbed anyone who seemed interested to play a match with him, but Sylvain had always been intrigued when he'd been invited. And secretly pleased. ]

The operative part of your sentence is the 'now and then' which might be putting it generously.

[ Now he's just teasing because he can and because it's something far nicer to focus on and push away any other thoughts as he turns to press a kiss to Sylvain's forehead thoughtfully. That won't, however, stop him from continuing to roast Sylvain for the losing streak even if it wasn't nearly as bad as he's exaggerating for entertainment's sake. ]

I should make you guess the rules to the card game just to keep it more interesting. Or maybe bring one back from the Alliance since I never did teach you most of the ones I know. That's fair, right?

[ It absolutely isn't. He knows it, which is why there's one more kiss for good measure. That does give him another chance to consider options beyond chess alone even if he really is going to have to unpack that set sooner than planned. Claude cracks an eye open to glance at the desk he'd moved in here. That might work as a playing space until they have better tables to take over with games. Using it wouldn't be all that far off from those times back at the monastery and it's easy to smile when circling back to what Sylvain brought up. ]

You know, I did figure out pretty quickly I could get your attention through those games.

If you're doing that, I have every right to subject you to some from Faerghus, then. I even know a couple from Sreng. [ And a few from Yuri, now that he thinks about it, which he'd considered terrible but might be evil enough to inflict upon Claude.

That kiss to his brow makes him smile until Claude's words sink in and then he's left blinking at the general vicinity of the man's chest as he tries to make sense of them. ]

You... what?

[ There might be a threat in there, he thinks, except that Claude's really all too eager to learn more games. Even better for when they host others some night yet to come or for visits back to the Sarstina's tavern since he's stopped by plenty on his way home as part of that rambling around Cadens. Same goes for other taverns he's ended up in occasionally, but Claude doesn't see a need to mention that.

Especially not when Sylvain sounds something close to very puzzled, and that gets an amused laugh from him. ]

What, did you think you were immune to my need to know everything back then? If so, have I got some news for you.

[ Of course he's going to play that up and make it sound far more intense than it was all for the opportunity to torment Sylvain (affectionately) now that it's presented itself. ]

Then again, maybe I'll just keep it to myself. Mystery's right up there with anticipation in being effective, or so they - [ 'they' being Claude - ] say.

[ Sylvain actually picks his head up at that, his expression showing his confusion now as he peers down at Claude. There’s a lot for him to unpack in that statement. ]

I didn’t think I’d ever caught your interest, actually. Our paths didn’t cross that much back then. Not enough to warrant your curiosity, anyway. I'm not sure I would have been much of a mystery to puzzle you.

[ Not in his opinion, anyway. He’s not sure what about him would have made Claude curious enough to pay him that kind of attention. ]

Edited 2023-05-29 22:51 (UTC)

[ When Sylvain shifts he loosens his grip around the other, curious as to where he's going. Nowhere, it turns out, except to stare at him with a look Claude finds it difficult to not smile at. He manages not to which is fortunate given what's said; any kind of amusement would've given entirely the wrong impression.

He raises an eyebrow immediately while contemplating the face in front of him. Claude's fairly certain Sylvain doesn't mean that as an open invitation to pry into... everything about him... as he could easily. ]

And you don't think 'paths not crossing much' wasn't enough to warrant curiosity?

[ It's teasing enough though he does sort of mean that. But it's also too obvious of a ploy, so Claude reaches up to tug on a lock of unruly red hair lightly. ]

I think you're underestimating how much I like any kind of puzzle.

Not really.

[ He gives a slight one-shouldered shrug, still looking slightly perplexed. ]

I'm not really that complicated. And if you'd just wanted someone to flirt with... from what I remember, you weren't really lacking for that, either. I distinctly remember a number of the girls there swooning whenever you sauntered past. I considered being insulted over it, since I was still standing right there, of course, but really, who could blame them?

[ His usual smirk was back, playful and teasing, making light of those days as he often did. He's also pretty sure if Claude had paid any attention to that puzzle back in those days, he wouldn't have liked what he found anyway. Sylvain was much better off for it, he's pretty sure. Having his friends know him too well, dealing with their well-earned opinions of him back in those days...

Having a blank slate in dealing with Claude when they'd found themselves here together was much preferable, he was positive. As much as he knew Claude loved secrets... there were some Sylvain hoped had died a bloody death back on those battlefields. ]

[ He's tempted to raise that eyebrow even higher at the denial, or what he's calling one, and if it wasn't for the fact that Sylvain looks genuinely baffled Claude would be tempted to call it being difficult for the sake of it. Because that's what he'd do if he was deflecting, truly, and he pauses in winding that lock of hair around his finger to study Sylvain for a moment.

Like this is very serious. Because it totally is, except then he grins, because - ]

Wait, wait, wait. I think that's the line I used on you when you arrived. You don't get to turn it around on me now when you never answered for it back then.

[ It's not lost on him this is absolutely Sylvain shoving the conversation topic back onto something that's more solid ground than whatever it is generating that feeling of being not enough. Sometimes it's easier to laugh at something better left hidden, isn't it? Claude's well aware he has no room to talk there; if Sylvain's going to act like he doesn't know what he's talking about - or that he's somehow not complicated - then there's nothing that says he can't run with this a little bit more to see what comes out of it. ]

Besides that, are you saying you didn't swoon whenever I walked by? That's even worse! You're just digging a deeper hole by the second here.

[ The teasing comments are enough to bring back Sylvain's easy grin in full, having him laughing as he flops back to the pillow again. ]

You're just mad I'm using your own method against you. Pretty sure you can't get mad when you've done that to me at least a dozen times. Besides. Was there actually a question in there to answer?

As for the swooning... Hmm. I feel like that's a secret I should keep to myself. Might come in useful one day.

[ Even if it's only in teasing Claude with the suspense of not knowing. ]

No, I'm mad that you're stealing my very original technique. Sheesh.

[ With unnecessary emphasis on the ideas of mad and original, both one hundred percent canceled out by the amusement on his face. It's better to see Sylvain back in good humor than with other things hanging around the edges of it - and despite the change back, Claude's not abandoning those careful notes he'd taken throughout to save for another time.

No comment on whether it's been used often since they both know the answer to that, so instead he lets his hand run through the ends of the other's hair before coming to rest on his jaw. ]

Saying it's a secret you're keeping to yourself just means I'm going to hear that as a confirmation you did.

[ To no one's surprise, probably. This is a particularly weak last word too given that besides the grin on his face to cap it off, his hand is on the move again to slide back to rest in Sylvain's hair to gently pull him forward at the same time he leans in for a kiss. ]

[ It always catches him a little by surprise, when Claude instigates kissing him. Like his brain stutters over the reminder that this is real every time. But there's no resistance in him when Claude pulls him in, his stomach giving a subtle little flip a moment before their lips meet. His lips part on a quiet sound as he leans into it, arm snaking about Claude's waist as he shifts closer to him, legs tangling without him even thinking about it.

Maybe he should press more, but Claude rarely talked about what he was actually thinking. He was just going to have to get better at deciphering, maybe. But maybe he could still help. This, at least, was something he was good at and maybe Claude was just looking for distraction from whatever was bothering him. Not a solution - Sylvain's not foolish enough to think that - but maybe it'll give him space enough from whatever's been going on to come back to it fresh later.

So he sets aside words for now, because Claude will always have him outmatched there. Here, at least, Sylvain has a bit of an advantage. And one he uses as he deepens the kiss, fingers sliding up Claude's spine to fist in the back of his shirt for a moment.

...Okay, so maybe he might really need this too, tonight. ]

[ That sound is all he needs to lean into it further, pressing forward to get rid of whatever space between them might somehow be left between them. Somehow he forgets how much Sylvain appreciates the initiation even if it comes back to him quickly as they become an intricate tangle, and now Claude makes a mental note to do it more often and hold to that. Affection between them isn't one-sided, after all; the last thing he wants to do is give that impression. Or to take it for granted since he might be unconsciously aware of doing so somewhere in other ways, even if he's yet to process through that.

Then it's easy to move his hand again to place it back on Sylvain's jaw as he deepens things further with a murmur of appreciation for the hand curled into his shirt. Suggesting it might be even better tangled up somewhere else would require breaking away, and even if it'd take but a few seconds that's too many to spare right now.

Too many to not spend them instead putting unsaid words into this as he breaks that kiss only to capture the other's mouth in another one in the same instant while running his free hand down Sylvain's side to slide it beneath the hem of his shirt in search of skin to run calloused fingertips across. One slow move after another to distract himself from the thoughts still whirling around his mind he can never quite shut off all the way, much as he's determined to. ]

[ Since Sylvain often suffers the same predicament, he's no stranger to using this as a distraction technique. Far from stopping him, however, he lets Claude take the lead, following along with him. The shirt he'd had on to relax in Claude's bed was loose and comfortable enough to sleep in, even if that hadn't been his intent just yet. But Claude will find little to stand in his way, should his hands go exploring further.

His lips swallow those quiet sounds Claude makes, his own muffled into the kiss. He can guess what had earned him one of those and he loosens his grip on Claude's shirt long enough to slide it up to tangle in the other man's hair, gripping as he changes the angle of their kiss slightly.

He remembers all too well how much Claude had enjoyed that, before. ]

[ That grip in his hair rewards Sylvain with a louder noise this time, pleased as he is that his not quite a suggestion was taken there. If it causes him to lightly dig in his fingernails on Sylvain's lower back where his hand rests, well. That's just a convenient bonus.

It's enough for him to shift one of his legs looped through the other's, using it as leverage to roll Sylvain onto his back after moving a hand to cradle his head that miniscule distance back onto the pillow. There's a routine here of sorts that's easy to fall into even if in the back of his mind, doubts still pull at the corners of it.

Too many things left unsaid, too many unasked questions about whatever this is - all ones Claude knows he should find answers to sooner rather than later. Time here isn't guaranteed, much as he'd fooled himself into thinking it was before everything. Before Felix came and went, before they'd been abducted, before Marianne's time was just as fleeting, before Petra was here and then wasn't. All of it collides into something making it his turn to bury his fingers in hair and fabric.

Something that tells on him far too much, he's sure, but now's enough as he wills the feeling away to make room for everything else. Sylvain's in the present and solid beneath him, and he breaks away even with the hand in his hair to apply his lips to the other's neck, intent on leaving some kind of proof they were both here. ]

[ There's something bordering on desperate in the way he can feel Claude's fingers tighten their grip for a moment, the same time as some queasy emotion slaps at him. Not one he's felt from Claude before, so he has absolutely no context for it right now. But he knows whatever it was, whatever is going on in his head, isn't pleasant. Isn't the kind of mood he wants his kiss to be putting Claude in.

He debates for a moment, whether it's better to let Claude have his control tonight or to make him lose it instead. He'd be more than happy to follow the lead the other man seems to be instigating, and he knows Claude enjoys his control - as much as any detail-obsessive person does, as Sylvain knows all too well. But he also knows that that will just keep Claude thinking way too much. About everything. He's the worst at letting himself get distracted from his brain's endless multitasking.

In the span of several heartbeats, he tries to calculate the best way to do that. While he could certainly attempt to blow Claude's mind with pleasure - and that has worked considerably well a few other times - he focuses instead on that response he'd gotten when he'd tightened his fingers in dark hair. It hasn't escaped his notice how often Claude enjoyed it rough, enjoyed having his control taken away - when he actually let it - even enjoyed being used.

It was something Sylvain was all too familiar with, especially on this end of the spectrum. Even if it had less-than pleasant connotations from his past, it was different when it was Claude. Or so he was trying to convince himself. This wasn't the same games he'd played for years back home, even if some of the methods were ones he'd perfected there. This time, the methods were applied for far different reasons.

Which is why he lets his fingers slide down and tangle in Claude's hair once more as he smiles at the feeling of those lips trailing down his throat. His grip tightens a moment, letting Claude feel that hold, before he tips his head back enough that Sylvain can lift his own head, trail sharp, nipping kisses back the man's stubbled jaw. His other hand lifts to cradle against the other side of Claude's face, deceptively gentle, in contrast to the edged kiss. He holds him in place, keeping him right where he wants him. ]

Did I ever tell you how many times I laid in my bed and imagined what it would feel like to have these lips on my skin? This clever tongue of yours?

[ There's a small hope, even if it's not much of one, that maybe Sylvain won't notice. Maybe he can write this off as something else, sink it into being nothing but enthusiasm when familiar fingers find their way into his hair again. It wouldn't be hard to do if there is a time limit on this of something counting down he doesn't know about. All the more reason to put as much into this - whatever it is - as he can. Easier than being left with regrets, certainly.

Before that spiral can drag him too far into it again and threaten to add Hilda's pulling away into it as another layer, his plan to take out feelings on Sylvain's neck is interrupted with the other man has something else in mind. Now it's his turn to find lips and teeth on him and Claude shuts his eyes to enjoy it even as he wants to insist on getting back to where he'd barely started.

Until there's words to go with it, and ones which successfully gets him to pause. ]

I might've figured that out a while ago. [ It doesn't quite hit his usual nonchalant air, but he's just going to keep talking before Sylvain notices it, if he even does. Maybe he won't or will simply think it's distraction from that mouth moving along his jaw. It wouldn't be entirely wrong. ] You picked a strange time to interrupt me then before I could remind you of what either one or both could do.

[ The interruption wasn't to ask questions they know the answers to, Claude knows that much. Then it's only a matter of where it's actually going and whether it's going to be revealed or if he's going to have to guess, and in case it's the latter he's just going to helpfully run his fingernails lightly over the skin beneath him as a reminder he could be doing something else with them, too. ]

Unless it's to tell me all about the other things you've imagined?

Mmmm. If we start talking now, you’ll just be trying to out-sass me for the next hour and then neither one of us will get to enjoy this as we should. Not that your sass isn’t adorable - [ Yes, he chose that word purposefully, knowing exactly what reaction he’d probably get. ] - but that’s not what I had in mind.

[ His smirk is cheeky and a hint devious as he shifts back slightly, just enough to prop himself up against the headboard once more and giving another leading tug to Claude’s dark hair. ]

Besides. I’m sure you could think of other creative ways than just talking about them. Unless you’re not actually as skilled with your tongue as you claim. I was pretty tipsy last time…

[ He hadn’t been, actually, but that doesn’t mean he can’t tease the other man with impish delight, falling back on the easy banter they so often shared. ]

[ Predictably, adorable gets a roll of his eyes skyward, though he waits to do it until he's positive Sylvain can see it. Can't have him losing the full effect of what reaction he'd wanted to provoke, after all.

The tug to his hair gets him to narrow his eyes afterwards while he considers Sylvain's face as if analyzing every feature on it - as if he hadn't already memorized them from moments like these, or ones across a room, or from studying him at night while sharing a pillow. No, Claude knows exactly what it means. While it hasn't entirely led him into forgetting the bog comprising the deeper part of his mind where thoughts lurk still exists, it's a start. A very good one, and a point to focus on rather than anything else. ]

And here I thought you liked it when I talk. I certainly don't remember you complaining when talking about all the ways I want to make you come means you get to choose which one I deliver on. But if you're saying that wasn't as effective at sticking in your memories as all those sounds you made said it was...

[ The smirk he gives Sylvain as he withdraws his hands to brace them against the mattress is intentional - Claude knows precisely what's being insinuated and already had it in mind before the suggestion(s), but that's not how this game works. ]

Then maybe you should be more specific first.

[ Oh, he remembers all those ways, and were this any other night, he'd be more than happy to indulge Claude in all the dirty talk he wanted. But that wasn't going to get him out of his head tonight, and Sylvain wanted that more than he wanted to check a few more things off of their risqué to-do list.

Which is why he tugs the man closer, almost close enough to kiss, but not quite. Teasing him with the anticipation of it while denying him at the same time. Which was a game they both liked to play, it seemed. His voice is low and husky and just a hint smug and there's a dark gleam in his hooded gaze. ]

I want these pretty lips wrapped around my cock and then I want to see just how deep you can take me before you choke. Is that specific enough for you?

[ When he's pulled forward and ever closer but not close enough, Claude merely tilts his head back. Part defiance, part anticipation, part watching Sylvain closely beneath that (mostly) casual expression on his own face - all of it working to become a careful assessment when he gets the specification he wants. ]

It's getting there.

[ It's closer, yes, but if Sylvain's not going to outline precise details from the start of a want, then Claude's going to run with whatever he can within the outlines he's given. Unsurprisingly, this means leaning in a little more to eliminate more of that gap without closing it. Just to make sure he really has Sylvain's attention with lips and breath ghosting each other without any actual contact. ]

But I think we can make it more interesting yet. Your hands don't get to leave the bed until I say so. The same goes for your hips, or else you'll only be left with your own hand to get you off. Deal?

[ Sure, it would've been more interesting to play with that while in the midst of it to force Sylvain to adjust in the moment, but part of Claude's far more interested in if he can follow a few simple rules. The sort of test that'll come in useful for later plans for another day he's kept to himself - but it'd be good to get a preview, wouldn't it? ]

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