abraxaslogs | [open] wasn't it easier in your firefly-catching days

The next argument waits on his tongue like gunpowder, ready to explode, until he's walloped by the recognition that Kelson is fighting the same fight as him. The only difference is the weapons that they've chosen. That please hangs between them for a long moment as Wilhelm casts down whatever sharp words he was going to wield next. His shoulders sag; his fists loosen. Rolling his eyes, he shakes out a sigh. And then he folds himself back onto the foot of the bed.

"Maybe I am running," he finally admits. His gaze points at the ceiling instead of Kelson. "But so what?"

You're allowed to run away from the thing that's going to kill you.

"I'm telling you, my future is here. There's nothing for me back home." Sensing Kelson's incoming rebuttal, he heads him off with a look. "If giving up your own happiness out of some stupid sense of duty is what you really want, then...I can't stop you. But you can't stop me from making my own choice either, Kelson."

Because he's felt it, the unhappiness swelling inside Kelson like an unseen ocean. It infuriates Wilhelm that he wants to cling to his title, his throne, his responsibilities, when he doesn't even seem to like any of it.

Kelson wants to hold his head and scream and cry at the hopelessness in Wilhelm's voice, at the senselessness of the situation he was bringing upon himself. He knew he could fix it. But only if he let him. And, Wille didn't want help. He flashed back to his cousin's head on the chopping block, the 3 strikes it took to put him out of his misery, and the entire horrific mess leading up to the execution. He couldn't save Conall, no matter how hard he tried, he did it to himself. He flashed back to Alroy, dead at fourteen and his ten year old younger brother Kelson took hostage, rather than let him fall to the same fate, unprepared for what was awaiting him. Kelson only hoped Wilhelm wouldn't be caught in the same fate. That his lack of training wouldn't end as horribly as he thought it would.

"You're right. I can't stop you. But I am afraid for you. I wish you'd let me help you but, I can't force you. All I can do is hope you see reason and prepare for whatever circumstances you find yourself in."

If he knew the dire bend of Kelson's thoughts, Wilhelm might reassure him that nobody's been executed in his country since way before he was even born. That the worst that could happen to him, in the event that he fumbles the role as badly as he always feared he would, is a plunge in popularity and a flood of negative press. A different kind of firing squad, maybe, but he would very much get to keep his head.

Although ignorant to Kelson's thoughts, he can see the concern marking his countenance as clearly as bruises. The realization that all of this is rooted in care forces Wilhelm to drop the last of his anger. Reaching across the few feet of bed that separate them, he grabs Kelson's sleeve to tug his hand closer.

"I'll be okay," he promises, fingers still knotted in the fabric above the cuff. "As long as I stay here, it won't matter anyway."

Wilhelm is aware, of course, that he might not have a say in the matter. He pretends that his raw determination to stay will have the strength to bind him to this world.

In Kelson's opinion, that was almost as bad. And something he was used too. He didn't want Wilhelm to be subjected to the same things he had been, whispers behind his back, fear, people literally spitting on the ground in front of him. Just because Gwynedd didn't exactly have a press didn't stop the plunge in his own popularity. There would always be people who didn't approve, it just helped if you didn't give them fuel for the fire. But, both of them had the same sign, the same arcana. Maybe them not adding fuel to the fire was a moot point.

While Wille might have dropped the last of his anger, Kelson is still holding on to his. Mostly because the boy opposite him was a giant pain in the ass.

"You keep saying that as if you have a choice. Sometimes, we have very little choices in our life. You should know that."

His thumb brushes over the back of Kelson's hand and he watches, with a tight mouth, for the monarch to recede back into the boy. Wilhelm liked his expression better when he was teasing him about his messy side of the room and sighing about the tedium of having guards shadow you everywhere.

He doesn't know why it bothers him so much, that from the vantage point of so many mirrored experiences they can't see eye to eye. He thinks it must be because Kelson won't leave it at agree to disagree — he won't accept that Wilhelm's choice is right for him. But something else beats underneath, something lurching and vast like the ocean. Kelson says he's afraid for Wilhelm, but Wilhelm is heartbroken for him.

"I know," he admits quietly. "That's why...I'm going to keep making choices that actually make me happy for as long as I can."

Edited 2024-01-04 00:47 (UTC)

Unfortunately for Wilhelm, Kelson was gripping and holding onto the King of Gwynedd with all his might, using it as a safety blanket, a shield. It was a mask he hadn't quite learned he didn't have to wear with the other boy yet.

But it was Wille's own words that broke the mask, the willingness to keep trying because he knew that the rest was inevitable. Kelson just needed to hear it out loud, that he knew what he was doing, that he knew he didn't have a choice, and was intent on doing it anyway.

".....I really wish you'd at least try," Kelson finally smiled softly, "But I know I can't force you. You deserve to be happy." Even if it's only for a little bit.

Kelson's smile is beautiful. It's not the kind that you put on because you feel like you should, but the kind that comes out on its own. Wilhelm finds himself wishing he could see it more.

"You deserve it too, you know."

The words, like his own smile, are quiet but sincere. It's not selfish to set aside the duties demanded by a world you left behind, responsibilities and expectations you can't reach anymore — it's liberating. Just as Kelson wants him to practice for the possibility that he might have to go back someday, Wilhelm wants him to embrace the equally real possibility that they might not ever go back. He wants him to at least try stepping out of the cage of his role as king. But he's learning that they're matched in stubbornness. Releasing Kelson's hand, he pushes himself up from the bed with a soft sigh.

"When you finish putting your stuff away, we should go to dinner. I'm getting hungry."

[open] wasn't it easier in your firefly-catching days

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