abraxaslogs | ( catch-all ) the more that i see myself

Entry tags:

( catch-all ) the more that i see myself

Who: Hilda & various!
When: September/October
Where: Cadens, the Horizon
What: Things, stuff, the usual but definitely not Hilda bored out of her mind recovering in bed. Also there's a mean moogle in her domain.
Warnings: Might be mention of injuries, but warnings will be added as needed.

( open and closed starters below. wildcards encouraged!
if you want something specific, let me know by hitting me up on discord or plurk! )

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If you have a connection to that other version of you, then you know that you are capable of doing everything you could until you no longer could, and deserve some of that credit. If you do not, then you are also not bound by her mistakes, and still have every opportunity to overcome future trials.

[He understands what she's getting at. He does. But he also has the luxury of a different perspective.]

I know what it is like to make grave errors that cost others everything. I also know that such errors aren't the full measure of a person, and they don't mean a person can't rise above them.

[ After hearing from Petra that she had died, and having it confirmed by Lindhardt, Hilda hadn't bothered to wonder if there was a version of that where she had somehow made it out alive. But if she had somehow made it out alive, did that mean Claude did too?

A hollowness rings through her at the thought of living any sort of timeline where he wasn't alive and well. Claude could be unbelievably stupid at times, but he had as much determination and drive to stay alive in order to see his dreams come true as she did self-preservation. Her eyes rise to meet his. ]

Did something happen to you at home?

[Altaïr is quiet for a few moments before answering. Even now, after he's done it a few times, he's not accustomed to revealing much of himself. But Hilda has done it already, made herself vulnerable — he can do the same. If he can't trust her with that much, then who?]

It would be more accurate to say that I happened to others.

[Not the men he killed, not the nine Templars or the men who served them. He holds no regrets about their deaths. But others...]

The shorter version of the story is that two of my brothers and I were sent to accomplish a task. Because of my actions that day, one of them died and the other was permanently maimed.

[ He's been patient with her thus far - it's only right that she offers him the same in return. It's difficult for her not to wonder however if he'll say anything at all. Altaïr isn't her most chatty companion. Most of her prattling on end probably annoyed him to no ned, but he hadn't yet told her to buzz off. She wouldn't have blamed him in the least if this is where he drew the line.

But then, remarkably, he does. ]

...But it wasn't like you did that on purpose. [ There's a pause as she searches his face. ] Right?

I didn't intend to fail, no. But I was reckless. I broke our creed several times over.

[He wonders how well she could understand the depth of his failure, even if he explained the tenets of the creed in detail. It's one thing to hear they are important; another to know what they mean, and what his betrayal of them meant.]

I wasn't the one to put my blade to them, but the failure was entirely mine. It took some time for me to accept that.

[ With no context for what sort of creed Altaïr might have made, she can only vaguely assume that it's similar to that of a knight's code. The milage on those seemed to vary depending on the person and their character, but with knowing what she knows about Altaïr and his character - it probably isn't something to take lightly. Especially if he's confessing as much to her now. ]

[ Briefly she worries her bottom lip. ]

As in you didn't believe that it was your fault at first? Or the guilt stayed with you?

[That she probes further shouldn't be surprising, but it is more discomfiting than Altaïr would have imagined. He'd come to terms with his culpability and unnecessary pride, freely admitted it to Malik, but difficult as it was to do so, Malik had been close to the situation from the beginning. This is different.]

Part of me knew all along that I was to blame, but I didn't allow myself to acknowledge it for a long time. When I did, I was able to start to make amends, and I was able to grow — to become something better than wallowing in guilt and denial would have allowed.

[ Hilda falls silent as she absorbs everything Altaïr tells her. It doesn't escape her that this is probably not the easiest thing to recount for anyone including herself. Admitting to fault, confessing guilt, both are tough to swallow for even the most humble of persons. So often it was easier to do like Altaïr said: live in blissful denial. ]

Did something change to make you start thinking about it?

[ Those sorts of things weren't usually just out of the blue, at least not in her experience. Apologizing and owning up to something she had done wrong felt like pulling teeth rotted teeth out of a wyvern at times: difficult and unpleasant. ]

If it had been up to me, I wouldn't have even tried. But the task I was given next forced me to do so.

[His expression settles into a rueful smile. Perhaps that had been Al Mualim's intention, perhaps not. It could have been that his master only wanted to get him thinking just enough to be a more effective killer, but not to truly question him.]

It was that or face my own death. And it changed the course of my life.

I thought you would be thinking deep thoughts all the time.

[ There's some levity to her voice when she says that - mostly to match his rueful smile. Neither is enough to completely derail or detract from the seriousness of this conversation or imply that she's taking this lightly. Quite the opposite in fact.

Hilda preferred to pretend that she did no wrong either. She plastered her negative traits and thoughts in flowers and jewels, sparkly things to distract others and herself from them. ]

That must have been some task to get you to think about what you'd done. Although...I can't really think of anything that would be worse than going through what you experienced.

[ After a moment she reaches out a hand, lightly placing hers atop of his for a brief moment. ]

It might be silly to say it when it's been so long but, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, Altaïr. [ She hesitates. ] And if it means anything, I'm glad that you're the person you are here.

[He can't help but smile at that, despite the seriousness of their discussion. She's one of the few who can prompt that, more easily than she thinks.

He's grateful when she doesn't ask the nature of his task. Just now, he doesn't want to show her the blood on his hands.]

It isn't silly.

[He turns his hand over, taking hers in his before letting go.]

I wouldn't have chosen it, but I don't regret what I've experience here. And I am glad that in this reality, you are alive and here with us.

[ She doesn't expect him to take a hold of her hand. In fact, it takes her by surprise and her eyes widen slightly at the touch, however brief.

A lump forms in her throat and she has to swallow it down in an attempt not to tear up. Some of that has to do with the fact that it's Altaïr sitting here with her and some of it has to do with the fact that if asked, she wouldn't be able to explain why she suddenly became misty eyed at an innocent touch and kind words. Unfortunately, she isn't successful.

It takes her a minute to collect herself. When she finally does speak, she has to sniffle a little, her voice thick. ]

Are you getting soft on me, Altaïr?

No. Never.

[His smile fades into something more neutral, his tone grows a little less warm. He seems more like the Altaïr people see on an average day.

Hilda can probably see more.]

[ She can - which is perhaps a surprise even for her. There's a lingering warmth there that feels like the sun on her skin as it sets on the desert. ]

That's what I thought.

[ Even through her sniffling however, he'll be able to pick up the telltale sound of laughter in her voice. She gives his hand one last brief squeeze before pulling herself together. ]

Will you stay for lunch? Sylvain is making something really yummy if the smells from the kitchen is any indication.

[ It's clear from the look she gives him that she hopes he will. ]

[As long as the laughter stays inside and she doesn't correct him, he can live with that.

They both know the truth, really.]

Yes. I'd like that.

[A meal with friends. It means more to him than she'd guess. Or maybe...she would.]

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( catch-all ) the more that i see myself

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wrap? 🎀

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