abraxaslogs | [ CLOSED ] the dawn is opening

Entry tags:

[ CLOSED ] the dawn is opening

Who: Claude and various
When: September, October, November
Where: Cadens, Libertas, the Horizon
What: Catch all
Warnings: None currently, will add/mark as needed

( Closed starters below. Find me at

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[ Sylvain... isn't the most patient of people, but at the same time, watching this strange and awkward dance happening around the Loft as people walk on eggshells and try to feel out this new scenario without sharing what their own thoughts and fears are outside their own head...

Well, it's testing what little patience he can muster on a good day.

Especially when he's talked with Claude. And talked with Hilda. And he's pretty sure they've talked to each other, too. And yet he's not sure any of them are sure about where they stand right now. Or where they're supposed to go from here.

And he's pretty sure if they keep trying to do all of this separate and alone, none of them are going to get anywhere but hurt and unhappy.

Which he'd prefer to avoid them all delving into again, as much as possible. So he pulls out some underhanded tricks, some sneaking around, and maybe even some mild, well-meaning manipulation in the efforts of arranging for all three of them to be at the Loft tonight - them under the guise of seeking him out for something he needs their help with.

And if his room is set up for a comfy evening in where they can sit and talk - complete with at least three bottles of wine, just in case - well, that's just a convenient happenstance, right?

At least that's the story he's going with, and he'll stand by it. Even if he has to lock all three of them in until dawn to get some truths out of all of them.

Things are dire when it falls to Sylvain Gautier to wrangle everyone together to talk about their feelings. ]

[ With the promise made to drop by for whatever it is Sylvain so vaguely insisted he needed some help with - though it was less insisting and far more like a simple request, even if there was the vague sense he couldn't say no to it in there somewhere - Claude puts his rather nebulous as they were plans for the evening on hold and instead opts to stay around the loft.

It's a good chance to catch up on some research he's been putting off (or more like picked up twelve different books than the ones he'd meant to) and since Sylvain and Hilda seem to be up to their own things as well, he settles in to read until a glance at the clock reminds him just how many hours have gone by. And, of course, that there's something else he has to go do.

If he'd stopped to think about it, it might've clicked that this seems Suspiciously Close To Recent Events in several ways. He doesn't and so therefore it doesn't as he heads down the hall to Sylvain's room after leaving the book he was reading on top of the stack next to his bed balanced rather precariously one on top of another.

Then he walks through the door, takes a glance around as he steps inside, notes the wine - and then looks back to Sylvain with both eyebrows raised and an amused smile. ]

Is this one of those times I should've asked what it is you have in mind first? Because this feels a little bit like you're up to something.

[ Hilda arrives shortly after Claude without the faintest idea what this could possibly be about. Sylvain hadn't been forthcoming which had only furthered her suspicion. But after everything she felt like she had put him through, there were plenty of things Sylvain could ask of her and she would (reluctantly) do it. Not that he knew that. No, she kept that fact close to her chest much in the same way she kept that fact from Claude; she could only imagine what kind of chaos that would cause.

After a long bath, she's quick to change into a simple dress and one of the sweaters she had dug out of Claude's perpetual mess of a closet after a day of bustling back and forth between Aquila and the Old Public Hall. With the day ending she doesn't see the point in putting her hair up when she'll end up taking it down later to sleep anyway.

A bright greeting is on the tip of her tongue when she notices the set up, bottles of wine and all. All of it gets a pointed, curious eyebrow raise as she steps into the room. Her eyes shift towards Claude before going to Sylvain, only the faintest hints of hesitation edging into her smile. ]

You didn't need both of us for this did you? Because I was getting a little tired anyway so I could just head to bed.

[ Knowing Hilda would likely not be far behind Claude, Sylvain has already positioned himself within reach of the door. Which swings shut the moment Hilda is inside. And there's the definite click of a lock settling into place.

Sylvain just gives them both a bright cheerful smile as he leans against the now-locked door, arms crossed over a broad chest. ]

Nope. I definitely need both of you here for this. Your presence is mandatory.

[ He's on to your tricks, Hilda.

Claude just gets an amused smirk, however. ]

Oh, good. I was worried I was going to have to make a massive sign for you. Maybe with someone's head cut out for it. Maybe we should make one of Hilda's.

[ That's definitely not what he called you both here for, though, so he just gestures towards the little cluster of chairs he keeps settled before the fire. Where the bottles are currently taking up space on the side table, along with a trio of wineglasses. ]

Sit down, both of you. I think we need to have a talk. All of us.

[ When Hilda comes through the door, Claude's gazes to her in an instant before ricocheting right back to Sylvain after the noise of the door lock turning over. That's clever. Possibly even more clever than their terrace trap, and he'd be a little more delighted by falling for this in an entertaining sort of way if it wasn't for that he doesn't know where it's going.

Or rather, he does - and that instinct to find some way to deflect, flee, whatever and anything else in between that'd give him options there is difficult to suppress. He manages it begrudgingly enough since it's pretty clear they aren't exactly going to be able to leave unless Hilda has her axe stashed somewhere behind her. Maybe Perry's close behind with it in hand as they stand here. He'd take that, too.

Instead Claude tilts his head in faux curiosity as Sylvain points to the chairs, but he doesn't make any further move towards the seating area just yet. A few more details might be needed first. ]

Is that so? What'd you have in mind?

[ He knows. Make no mistake: He knows, or is fairly certain he does considering there's very few reasons Sylvain would see fit to lock them in somewhere, but this is just another round of waiting to see what's said before revealing his own thoughts in mind. Probably. ]

[ If only that were the case. Perry, despite being jokingly referred to as a ghost can't actually walk through walls.

And at least one of them happens to find this scenario amusing. While Claude may feel some faint amusement towards being trapped and having the tables turned on them, Hilda certainly isn't. She can feel the prickle of anxiety dance across her skin as she surveys the scene in front of them before turning to face Sylvain. Any trace of sweetness has been replaced with a frozen-in-place smile. It seems that she's put the puzzle pieces together as quickly as Claude has - or at least moments after he had. To say that she doesn't appreciate the reverse intervention card being played on them is an understatement.

Maybe she should take to carrying her axe around with her around the loft. Doors probably didn't cost that much to repair. ]

Mandatory things have never really taken priority over my beauty sleep.

[ Despite trying to sound like a veiled threat, it's only hiding how she really feels which has everything to do with the bubbling anxiety burning away in her gut. ]

Well, you’re gonna make an exception tonight.

[ He takes a step towards her, two, three. And then scoops her up in a bridal carry without warning, turning to carry her over towards one of the chairs, which he sinks down into with her now sprawled sideways across his lap, his hands anchored securely around her waist, just in case she tries and wiggles away.

His gaze flits to Claude, who is still pointedly not sitting. ] Maybe I’ll have to draw you a giant sign after all. Sit. [ He insists the invitation again with a pointed look. ]

You’re both ridiculous. After the mess that happened the last time you didn’t take the time to talk things out honestly, one would think you’d have learned something. Is having this talk really so difficult?

[ He’s bluffing with all his might right now, because honestly, he’s probably just as terrified. But someone has to initiate things or they’re all just gonna be stuck in limbo forever and that’s not comfortable for anyone. ]

[ As Sylvain sweeps Hilda up before she can make any moves to escape there's nothing but amusement on Claude's face while he watches, though it quickly turns to a flatly unimpressed one at what follows after being told to take a seat. ]

I don't think anyone in this room should talk about avoiding feelings, really.

[ He's self aware in that to know where his own faults are, but with so much overlap going on and looped around and between everything else - Sylvain has a point in bringing them together, but it's not only him and Hilda who have things to talk about.

They'll get to that, he imagines. In the meantime, and after enough time's gone by to put some distance between being told to sit and actually doing it, Claude wanders over as well, first to get a glass of wine and then to take a seat in one of the chairs with real enough ease since: there's no avoiding this, and might as well take it right on. Never mind that he doesn't feel it beneath that veneer which is likely obvious by the fact that the wine in his hand goes ignored aside from being there. ]

If you're asking if anything's changed, it hasn't for me. What I've told you both before in terms of what I want and how I feel is still the same.

[ It might still be slightly stubborn, but it's not a complete evasion like it could be. For the most part. ]

[ Hilda sees what Sylvain is trying to do the moment he makes a move towards her. Her eyes widen and much like a rabbit she attempts to dart - only to be immediately swept up in his arms with a squeal of protest. Even if it's a short trip to the chair she squirms, determined not to make it easy for him only to find herself deposited directly onto the chair on his lap with nowhere else to go.

There's a full on pout on her features which she shoots his way thinking - Hypocrite, before it's directed at Claude who already seems at ease even though she knows better. Traitor. None of them wanted to talk about their feelings, each avoidant in their own way. And while she kept telling herself that she would eventually get around to it, she hadn't expected that it would be now. She had thought they - Claude and Sylvain - would have more time to figure it out on their own which would give her the opportunity she'd need to gracefully...what? Move on?

Her expression stays put, gaze flitting between the two with her arms crossed. ]

I'm not avoiding my feelings. I just - [ She falters, gaze ripping towards the wall. ] need more time.

[ Yeah, definitely not avoiding her feelings.

That being said, she hadn't asked either of them what they had talked about. Telling herself it had been for their privacy, it was as much about protecting herself too. The pout fades somewhat as she looks back nervously towards Sylvain. ]

What about you?

I call bullshit.

[ Sylvain’s tone is alarmingly cheerful despite the topic as he tugs on a lock of Hilda’s hair. Absolutely not letting her squirm out of his lap. Or pout her way out of it.

Not that he doubts she wouldn’t try and weasel out as much time as possible to avoid this conversation. He’s pretty sure at this point she’s being worse about it than he and Claude are.

Which is saying a lot, honestly.

He watches as Claude takes a seat, makes note of the wine glass being primarily used as a prop. Or a shield? He would reach for one himself, but he suspects Hilda will have his hands full for the foreseeable future, so that will have to wait.

He doesn’t look away when Claude gives his opening answer, even if there’s a faint hint of exasperation in his gaze in response. Do you really have to keep making everything so difficult, Claude?

But he glances down at Hilda when she looks up at him with that question, not missing the hint of nerves in her expression. He lets his gaze own soften, although that doesn’t lessen the determination still glinting in amber eyes. ]

What about me? Do I need more time? No, I haven’t been the one dancing around everything here. I’m pretty sure Claude knows what I want in regards to him, and I’m pretty sure I’ve made it clear to you, too, that I want you. I’ve been saying that ever since our night in the fey gardens. And I think I can safely assume you two are continuing to be stupid over each other, like you have been for the entire time I’ve known you, so we all want each other all around. Have I missed a step anywhere yet? Because I suppose acknowledging it would be the first part, and then what the fuck we’re gonna do about it would naturally follow.

[ There's enough time for Claude to catch the nervousness written across Hilda's features, something he's come to know in brushing up against anything about this very topic and then some, and without realizing it he curls the fingers of the hand resting idly in his lap into his palm. It turns out that's a good move, as if he'd somehow sensed to brace himself for something, because when Sylvain speaks?

He listens, certainly, but it immediately chafes and especially so the assumptions being made when he felt he'd been rather clear about the why involved. Giving Hilda space to decide what she wants was - is still the right move in his mind, and Claude can't help but feel this is taking that away, just a bit. The smile on his face doesn't physically shift, but whatever humor was in it certainly fades away until it's only the expression left. ]

That's an interesting assumption especially when, if I'm recalling this correctly, you're well aware of why that is. But if we're being honest here, then let me add this: both of you can stop offering me outs I don't want.

[ Now he pauses to take a sip of wine before setting it down on the table nearby in order to lean forward in his seat. If Sylvain wants to call them both out, then the reverse is only fair. Or something like that, though Claude's careful to keep anything out of his voice so it remains even as ever; if the spirit of this is to pull things together, that's more important than whatever else he's feeling. ]

If I didn't want this - whatever we're about to define 'this' as - then I'd say so and I mean that. Look, I understand that... there's a lot I didn't do in going about this in ways that would've been better. But I'm not telling either of you anything different, and as long as this, all of us, is something you both want then it's what I want, too.

[ The last thing she expects under all that cheer in Sylvain's response is a steady, unwavering reply. Unfortunately admiration is elbowed out by her annoyance that flared when he thought to call her out for her (mostly) truthful response. ]

Why is that bullshit?

[ Hilda's posture stiffens in his lap, pulling back as her eyes sharpen, steeling her nerves behind mild indignation. It doesn't matter that they're getting a taste of their own medicine, that Sylvain's gaze softens in a way that usually makes her want to melt in turn, or that his intentions are well and good when he answers her question. Her hackles are already raised. So much so that she nearly misses Claude's defence of her request for time to think.

Her eyes dart towards him trying to piece together the reason he could have given Sylvain as to why they had continued to be "stupid" around another (because if there was anyone being stupid it was them, not her). Is this what she gets for trying to be respectful? For trying not to be nosey? Once again her willful ignorance tricked her into believing she could keep avoiding it but reality often had a hard time fighting against a potent mixture of cowardice and stubbornness. Feeling trapped in a corner does nothing to stave off that desire to turn tail and run either, irritation sparking in her voice in an attempt to mask her rising panic. ]

Great well if that just leaves me I'll say what I said to the both of you before: I don't know what I want, I still don't know what I want and I told you both why. So you and telling me that that's "bullshit" really ticks me off. [ Her chest feels tight. The faint buzzing at the base of her skull grows louder. She attempts to shove Sylvain's hands off of her with more strength than she'd normally use to struggle against his hold. ] It must be nice being okay with having feelings for multiple people at once and not being jealous or petty about it. Then again you've both had way more practice than I have.

[ And more time here together, a sickly jealous voice whispers. More time to bond, more time to do sweet happy things together while she went off and sulked. This is all a kindness. A means of consoling until they realized what they really wanted. Her stomach churns. Her cheeks burn. ]

If you're just waiting for me, don't. I already told you I don't want to stand in the way of you two being together when you both want to be. I don't see why I have to be part of that equation. [ She spits the next sentence out with more venom than she intends. ] You don't have to be nice for my sake.

[ He takes a deep breath and lets it out again at Hilda's hostile response because okay, apparently attempting to assert some levity into this fell very flat. His hands do tighten around her, though, even if she does shove at him, and that's fine, she can shove all she wants, he's not letting her run away from this - them yet. Even if he had accidentally pissed her off. ]

I wasn't calling your need for time to figure things out bullshit - I get that, probably better than you know, but it's been a month since we last talked about this. And I don't know if it's different for you, but I don't feel like I did enough to convince you in that time. That this could work. That I want this to work.

[ Granted, this past month had been... complicated. And busy. And did he mention Complicated?

He does reach out to catch her chin to try and turn her face back to him as he flicks a glance at Claude before looking back to her. He'd been thinking about how this conversation could go a lot over the past couple of weeks. Especially since his conversation with Claude in the park. It had been a night in with Jesper that had given him something else to think about, that maybe he was doing this all wrong, too. The methods he'd always used back home don't apply here, not with them. Mostly because back then, he hadn't cared if his plans had fallen through or failed.

Here? That is absolutely not the case anymore. There was too much to lose if he didn't start taking more risks here. ]

You're not standing in anyone's way, Hilda. Except maybe your own. I'm not going to say there's times I'm not jealous, because that's a lie. I do. I probably get jealous just as much as you do. You and Claude have a deep relationship that has years of loyalty and close friendship to build off. You two are open with each other in a way you aren't with anyone else. You know things about Claude that I can't even begin to guess at, I'm sure, and I'm pretty sure he knows the same about you. How could I not be jealous of that?

[ Especially because he's pretty certain that there's no one, in this world or their previous one, who he could say that about in his own case. Not even Felix, although he probably comes closer than anyone else could.

He lets his gaze drift away from her to lock gazes with Claude again and offers the other man a halfhearted, crooked smile that holds more than a hint of vulnerability in it. Because it costs him to be so bluntly honest about those, to ignore the fear and expectation that his vulnerabilities will be immediately wielded against him. But he needs to try, or this is all going to go tits up before they even get it started. ]

I can't even lie and say that I'm not constantly standing here watching you two get closer again and wondering if that's it for me. If this will be the day you both figure out it's each other you want, have always wanted, and I'll have to figure out how to cope with that. [ Another blunt confession, maybe more detailed than what he'd said to Claude before, or just a different angle of it. But he does tear his gaze away then, because he doesn't want Claude to see too deeply beneath the surface of that fear just now, and looks back to Hilda. Because she's easier to focus on right now, rather than the lover he knows can always see far more deeply than he's sometimes comfortable with. ]

And I don't have more practice at having feelings for more than one person. I don't even have a lot of practice at having feelings for one person, because it's never happened before. They never mattered enough to warrant that much thought. But you matter. Both of you. A scary amount, if I'm honest. And I don't know what to do with that either.

And if you need me to leave you alone to think, then fine, that's what I'll do. But I'm gonna be honest and say I'm not sure that has us getting to where any of us want 'us' to be.

So I want to propose something different. I want us to take a month or two and try this. All in, all three of us. Let's see where it goes, if it can go. We could sit in our own corners and think about it for a whole 'nother year and get absolutely nowhere. Or we could take that big scary first step towards each other and see where that takes us. Not separately, because I think that's where our jealousy and insecurities get the better of us. But together, where no one's left out or standing in someone else's way. That's what I wanted to talk to you both about. Can we do that? Even if it's just to try?

[ Annoyed as he is himself, Claude expects Hilda's reaction to be the same or something more expression, but what she says feels like one blow after another.

Being told this is something meant to just be nice - a word he's come to detest in this application - trips a switch inside him somewhere so quickly Claude hardly has time to process it happening before the realization this is coming up again hits followed by a flood of frustration. If giving Hilda time to let her think had only convinced her further of what she'd spent telling herself for months on end: it was the wrong choice to make. It's a good thing Sylvain beats him to speaking because it forces him to keep his mouth shut. Intentionally so given that Claude sits with his jaw clenched to will himself to keep the words crowding his mouth in where they belong and more importantly: to listen as his gaze doesn't waver away once from either one of them.

As the other man talks, some blanks begin to fill in - those blanks are both in what Hilda's saying without saying it outright, and in that conversation he'd had with Sylvain where it'd felt like the answers he'd wanted never surfaced. A better outline of everything starts to take shape in his mind, and some of that exasperation slips away little by little. After all, if he's going to be irritated over this then there's still a point where it comes back around to point at himself for having some of the same fears.

By the end of it, he doesn't make a move to say anything immediately. The pause lasts - on his side, anyway - long enough to give Sylvain's words to breathe and sink in with the seriousness they deserve. The wine's abandoned for good as he sets his glass elsewhere. Claude means to drag his hands down his face but instead spends a second (or three) with his face covered to get himself back in order before dropping them back down his lap to look up again. ]

If anyone keeps telling themselves this is all just because someone's being nice, or waiting for the chance to leave someone out, or that someone here doesn't matter when that isn't what's being said or what has been said - this isn't going to work, so that part has to stop. That goes for any of us, because you're both saying the same thing in different ways and you're saying it like it's a truth. And I'm not excluding myself here from that or from being partly responsible for not doing a better job of showing anything otherwise, because - [ with a laugh that's more bitter than he means to let slip out - ] it's not like I have any experience with this either.

That doesn't mean I don't think we should try. An honest try where none of us, myself included, are sitting around waiting for an end which may not even happen. Because what if it doesn't end after that month? I don't want it to. I said this to Hilda and I meant it then as much as I do now: we've already seen what the worst case scenario in this looks like and it's all of us being completely miserable. That's not a good enough reason to not move forward - together, all three of us.

[ But. They've both admitted to more than he has in this, separately and now together, and Claude knows he can't very well ask them to do something he's not willing to do himself. It's a good thing that while speaking he was also grappling with letting down another wall so that at least they don't have to wait again. ]

You aren't the only ones with fears. Everything you've both said... the phrasings might've changed a bit, but I could have said them myself.

[ Sylvain's attempt to pull her chin towards him is met with stubborn resistance and she continues to fight herself out of his arms until she's standing with her back turned to them. She doesn't like how quickly her anger swells inside of her like a beast hungry for blood. It hisses and spits, demanding that she self-destruct if that's what it takes to get them to realize that they don't need her to be happy. It readies itself with caustic ammunition, prepared to shoot down every point being made in an attempt to convince or talk her down.

Neither of their actions were the result of their collective misery. Her inability to keep her mouth shut and remain pleasant, not being able to suffocate the awful jealous creature inside of her that might only continue to grow and consume - those had been the reasons and she didn't understand why they couldn't see that. Thankfully none of those things make it past her lips, because of a mixture of fury zipping her lips shut and the care she has for them that tells her she has to hear them out. Thank Goddess she does.

Deep down she knows she's scared. Terrified of what will happen to her resolve if she looks at either of them while they say things that slowly chip away at that furious resolve of hers. She can't deny that she had told Claude she'd try. She'd also told Sylvain that she needed time to think about her response to him. But she hadn't told either of them the full extent of how she felt, or the other part of her so-called grand plan: that they'd eventually see that they'd be more than enough for one another with or without her there. And if Petra came back? Or someone else became an irreplaceable, precious person in their lives? Hopefully by then she'll be gracious enough not to feel any bitterness about her decision to.

By the time they're done speaking her anger begins to ebb, giving way to the panic that had given rise to it in the first place. It pounds in her ears and the familiar feeling of tears prick at the corner of her eyes. There was all this talk of trying but Hilda didn't try. She quit before she ever began. Lack of inaction had served her well and it would continue to serve her whether she remained here or returned to Fodlan. It didn't matter that they were supposed to do this together or that she always found comfort in numbers. Trying opened her up to a world of failure and disappointment she couldn't afford with them. This isn't some group assignment given to them by Byleth, nor is it some bridge she's been asked to defend. Somehow death is less terrifying than this.

As she chews on that in the silence that follows Claude, the fight in her seems to slowly evaporate out of her body, arms crossing over her chest like a shield. They were asking her to do the impossible. Familiar anxiousness squeezes her heart tight, every cell in her body telling her to run even if it means clawing at the door but there's no where to run. She has to face this somehow. She has to be brave. Somehow. Eventually she swallows, voice sounding distant as if she can no longer decide how she should emote. ]

I've felt like I've been on the outside looking in this entire time. Feeling like that just doesn't go away. What if that keeps happening after a month? Or two? Or three? What if you both decide that you don't want me to be a part of this anymore - and don't say that that won't happen because feelings grow and fade all the time.

And what if either of you develop feelings for someone else or want someone else, or whatever it is we're calling it? I already feel jealous and awful about Sylvain and Jesper and you two together. I don't want to stand in either of your ways if that does happen but I -

[ Her voice breaks for a moment, cheeks flaring with shame. Admitting she's been awful, petty, jealous and lonely by extension isn't news to them (and distantly, horrifyingly, she wonders if that's why she hadn't had a problem chastely kissing Alucard). They don't need her to say it again to understand that's what she can't say aloud. Drawing a breath she curls her hands into tight fists, cutting crescent moons into her palms. ]

I don't think I could stay if that does. You both mean too much to me for me to be gracious and kind and soft about it. I can't go through that again. [ She winces, hearing how selfish that sounds before amending it to what she really means to say. ] I can't put either of you through that again.

Edited 2023-12-13 08:27 (UTC)

[ Sylvain's finally forced to let her go, if only because he doesn't accidentally want to hurt her by trying to make her stay.

And if that isn't a bit of irony in this situation...

But he watches as she hunches in on herself, arms crossed defensively over her chest and he casts a worried gaze in Claude's direction. Takes in the clenched jaw and the way he buries his head in his hands and for a moment, Sylvain feels his heart sink deeper. Maybe they can't do this. Maybe they've already lost this fight and none of them is willing to raise the white flag and admit defeat. Because of the consequences that will have on all of them.

If he were a better person, a nobler one, he would have taken himself out of this equation already. Because causing Hilda to feel jealous and on the outside isn't what he'd intended, but he's doing it anyway. Even if the thought of distancing himself from either of them makes his heart clench and his chest feel like it's squeezed too tight to breathe. But it would be better for both of them in the long run, wouldn't it?

He doesn't know if it's fortunate or unfortunate, but he's always been terrible at being the better person. He's not. He's not even a good person. The long line of broken hearts and ruined ambitions he'd left behind him in his wake should be proof enough. Even if he'd do anything not to add these two names to the list.

The silence that falls between all of them is heavy and uncomfortable. Claude's words resonating deeply with him, because they're what he wants so badly he can almost taste it, but Hilda...

Either she can't see the same thing, or she won't. Which means this argument is just going to keep going in circles, because she's too deeply tangled in 'what ifs'. He hates those. You never get any good answers by being stuck in perpetual 'what ifs'. If you step onto a battlefield too distracted by all the ways you could potentially die... well, that's just a sure way to see it happen.

So he pushes to his feet, coming to stand in front of her again and reaching out to gently chafe his hands along her arms as he gazes down at her. He's not trying to loom, because that's not the impression he wants to give, but it's a little hard not to when she's so tiny in front of him. But she'd insisted on standing, so here they were. ]

None of us can predict what our feelings will and won't do. None of us have been able to do that this entire time. We can only go with what we know. What we want. And see where that takes us. What I do know? I've wanted you for a long time, Hilda. I thought about it, a time or two, back in Fodlan, but you deserved better than me, back there. You still do, technically, but that doesn't mean I don't want you anyway. In the time we've been here together, those feelings haven't waned or faded at all. I still want you. More even, because I've gotten to know more of the real you.

And I don't want you to pretend to be gracious and kind and soft. That's not the real you, not at your core. Not that you can't be those things, but don't try to squeeze yourself down to fit into only that one box for anyone's sake, least of all ours. I want to see you fiery and stubborn and witty. I want to be the one to hug you when you're sad or crying and need a shoulder to lean on. Or hide against. Or another shirt to ruin. I want to laugh with you and take you out dancing, or maybe lay all night under the stars again just to talk about everything and anything.

But more than that? [ And he takes a step forward, carefully herding her back a step. And then another. His movements a slow, determined prowl, not quite predatory, but there is definitely something confident and sensual in them as he moves her to where he wants her. Back towards where Claude still sits watching them and Sylvain doesn't stop his maneuvering until she either sits or gets toppled back into the other man's lap, where Sylvain can lean over them both, hands braced on the arms of the chair to either side of them. Caging Hilda in between them now.

His voice is low and deep, husky with his seriousness. Hushed now as he leans in close, pressing her back against Claude as he invades her personal space. This is a gamble, but he doesn't know what else to try. He just has to hope Claude will play along. And forgive him if this backfires horribly and blows up in their faces. ]

Even more than that, I want for us to do all that together. I don't want you on the outside looking in, I want you here, in the middle, with us, right where you belong. We could be good, all of us, in any of the pairs we singled off to be, but I think together? Together the three of us could be something even more amazing. We could balance each other out in a way we never could if it was just two of us alone. Understand each other in a way I think all of us need. We've already been doing it, sort of. Unofficially. Ganging up on each other when one of us needs the reinforcement, or reassurance. We're stronger together then we are alone, and I want that to apply to everything.

You're right that feelings don't go away so easily, but princess, I think you're focusing on the wrong feelings. Stop standing in your own way. I'm giving you permission to take what you want. Just like you did that night in the maze. When you didn't let your fear stop you, or your head dictate to your heart what you should or shouldn't do. None of us know what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day or the next week. We might wake up one morning and one of us will be gone. Or all of us. Are you really going to say that this wouldn't be worth it to you to try? In the time we have here together? Because I can pretty confidently say Claude and I want you here - have wanted you here, this entire time. And I don't know how to make that more plain to you.

You can sit there and let your head continue to spin you in circles with all the things that could possibly go wrong, break your own heart, break ours, in the process. But you're not going to find happiness there, and neither are we. So take the risk, Hilda. Take what you want. Try it with us. Let us show you it can work, if you can't find it in you to believe on your own. Let us show you how good we can be.

[ His brow furrows briefly as Hilda mentions Sylvain and Jesper, something which doesn't seem to compute in this conversation about them before anyone else even gets involved in figuring it out, and said furrow grows deeper when she tries to deny they should care about her for being herself. As if there's some other version of her that either one of them grew to care about instead of the very person standing with her back to them, and no one other than that. Stubbornness keeps his mouth shut in case she has more to say, but it turns out Sylvain does instead as he carefully corrals her back into the conversation's fold.

If Hilda's ends up in his lap he'll reach out long enough to steady her but nothing more in the way of restraints to not keep her from fleeing if that's her next move. And though Sylvain's words aren't meant for him, not really, he still listens closely - and the more he listens the more it unearths a truth to him. A need; it's one Claude hadn't known he possesses until listening to this as it goes on with reassurances he hadn't thought to ask for when they'd talked, but nor had they been offered. This is leagues away from uncertainty. And is it because of what he'd said or hadn't said, or simply because Sylvain wasn't willing to believe the idea of being wanted before, and something through this conversation has changed it?

It's a thought that can wait until later, and Claude shoves it back down beneath everything else when it's not as important as this. By the end of what Sylvain says, he has to think when so much of what the other man's said he agrees with. They could have been the very things he'd say to Hilda if they were having this conversation again and in the same line of thinking as before, perhaps parts of that are what should have been said back in the spa rather than saving them with the belief he'd get to say them to her later. There's a failing here, and it's his for letting her continue to harbor the same doubts despite what they did say to each other.

But - there's more to be added to make it all sink in. If Sylvain won't touch on it beyond this, then he will. ]

If we're playing a game of what ifs here then you've forgotten a few, Hilda. What if you decide you don't want either of us? What if you fall for someone else or even multiple someone elses? I don't think you can say you won't either because none of us can predict the future. Maybe none of this will last forever, or maybe it will. There's no guarantees here. Like Sylvain said, one or all of us could be gone tomorrow since it isn't like we planned to ever even be here in the first place. I don't want to wake up one day, find that's the case, and then have to live with the regret of never trying even if trying ends up meaning having this conversation and nothing else.

The reality is this: neither of us can force you to believe us. There's nothing we can say which will be the perfect words to make it happen. Beyond that, there's only so many times we can tell you whatever we can before you have to decide if you do or not. It's the same in reverse, for the record, because we've both told you you aren't the only one with doubts. But if you always listen for only the negatives, you'll miss what's actually being said.

At some point you have to take a leap and trust someone will be there to catch you, and you're not alone in struggling with that. For a long time in my life... for far too long it felt like there was no one I could ever count on but myself. And then I met you, and then I met the Deer, and then I met Sylvain in a different way than before back in a place which, frankly, should mean nothing in what we're living now because this isn't Fodlan and nothing from there applies. The list goes on from there with everyone we would've never known existed if not for being here.

But this also isn't about either one of us asking you to accept something you can't as it should be all around, too. That's unfair and what I wanted to avoid from the beginning. This is about finding something that works for all of us, not just one or two of us, or whatever it ends up being. If this isn't what you want either now or later on if feelings do change - I don't think either of us will hold that against you. I know I won't. But you should know that if your only reason for saying no now is because you think that by doing so you're doing either of us some sort of favor or kindness: you aren't.

Edited (an embarrassing amount of typos rip me, I FOUND MORE) 2023-12-15 03:22 (UTC)

[ Hilda doesn't expect either of them to leave her standing where she is for very long, but had hoped that they might just leave her alone a little while longer. Anything or anyone touching her right now only sends the nerves under her skin alight. She couldn't stand the thought of being physically suffocated because her mind was doing all of that for her already. When Sylvain appears in front of her, her gaze snaps up, some of that steel from before rising in her eyes as she tries to keep her distance. She almost bares her teeth to him but she finds herself glaring instead, held at bay by his words. It persists even as she's hearded backwards like some sheep to a pen.

Hilda feels her calves hit another surface - Claude. She flails backwards barely missing knocking him and Sylvain both in the head with her flailing arms (although it would serve Sylvain right for trying to box her in). In a desperate bid to keep herself from looking at Sylvain, from toppling over into panic that she won't be able to claw her way out from, she keeps her eyes firmly affixed on a spot on the floor between them, expression unreadable.

When had her mindset shifted from taking carelessly to walling herself off from the things she wants, she wonders? Before the war, she wanted to live every day to the fullest and that had become more true during it. When had she become so chronically cautious? So optimistically pessimistic? Was it when she learned that she had died? Or maybe she had seen the way someone who held a piece of her heart looked at others the way she wanted him to look at her. Or had it been when she realized she had feelings for one of those people too and knew with startling clarity that she'd never be able to compare?

There's too much being said. Far more than any of them have ever said to one another ever and it's too much for her to process, too much for her airy mind to hold. But she hears them all, rebuttals coming and going at the same rapid speed, unable to make it past her lips because they just keep talking. They rise unbidden all the same: If nothing mattered from Fodlan, then why was Claude trying so hard for them to work when he'd had better options? A princess and an heir were better than a youngest daughter with just a Crest to her name. A man who could love multiple souls at once without a pinprick of jealousy in his heart and a man who was smart and talented, who knew all the right things to say and the right things to do, were better fits for someone who deserved the world rather than someone flighty and careless.

She was so flighty that she could fall in love with someone new every day if she wanted to and break their hearts in one blissfully ignorant swoop. So flighty that she knew how to dodge feelings like she dodged chores and boring lectures because that's what flight risks did. But then she got too close. And despite this misstep, this spectacular, embarrassing fall, she knew that she'd never feel anything this strongly for anyone like the way she did now for the two of them. So in that sense, they were wrong. ]

Okay.

[ An agreement following a realization like that shouldn't sound like a word of defeat or like a whimper of submission but hers does. Everything they said is true even if it feels like the walls that she had put up around her heart to distance herself from them are being battered with tender violence and intent leaving her terrified, trembling and exposed. ]

I can't do this without rules though.

[ Her voice is quiet as she clutches at her arms, still refusing to look at either of them. Eventually she forces more words out before she loses the nerve but it's still fear driving her, telling her that this is the only way. ]

I can't do anything about this jealousy. I might never be able to. And the thought of being soft and kind about either of you having any kind of feelings or wanting anyone else makes me so sick and sad. The only thing I can think of is asking you both not to be with someone else right now.

[ Guilt and panic prickles across her body and she squeezes tighter, hating how this sounds. ]

And I know how selfish that is but that's how I feel. And I'll stop whatever it is I'm doing with Alucard too because it isn't fair for me to ask that of either of you if I don't stop too. I can't think of any other way while we're figuring this out. I can't be with either one of you, I can't try for us knowing that you're either with other people or maybe developing feelings for other people. I don't care if it's a what if because that's just how I feel. And if that's not okay then I'll... [ Her voice breaks as she curls in on herself. ] I'm scared of losing you both to someone else. I'm tired of being sad and I just want to move on from this. I can't do this anymore.

[ Is this a boundary or is this some desperate bid to force their hands so that Sylvain would pick Jesper over her? One last ditch effort to make them see that Claude and Sylvain should be together, not because it's a kindness, but because it would just work better. It would be easier. Or maybe, the creature whispers as it grips her heart in its claws, she's just been this awful and cruel all along. All of that paint, sparkle and pretty perfume were just an attempt to mask the toxic stench beneath the veneer. What sort of person that claimed to care for them would make them choose?

Not Claude or Sylvain. Just her. ]

Edited (typos mb) 2023-12-15 18:22 (UTC)

Rules are probably a good idea, on all our counts.

[ That's something he can easily agree to, here. Whatever she needs to feel more reassured about this. Comfortable with them.

But then she goes on to explain and he can't help but freeze above her, his breath catching in his throat. Someone else. That... That's pointed at him, it has to be, because he's pretty sure Claude's not with anyone else right now. It's a stab to his gut, bringing back up the very real concern that he's the problem here, has been all along. Jesper's face flickers in his mind and he feels his chest tighten uncomfortably.

He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes. He doesn't know what he should say to that, mind reeling as he tries to grasp for a solution that doesn't cost him more than he'd realized he'd be willing to give.

He starts to pull back, stunned, the foundation for what he hoped they could build together starting to crumble under his feet. ]

[ Trying as he is to hold things together the best way he knows how, it's impossible to not feel a painful twinge in his chest when Hilda surrenders. That first word from her feels like it brushes up too much against what he doesn't want to happen, which is both of them placing too much weight on her for it to be truly her decision. At the same time, he can recognize - now - the value of how this started with those false pretenses of coming to hang out. If it hadn't happened, would they have had any of this talk at all?

Claude reaches to place a hand on Hilda's waist with a tentative touch, something meant to be an anchor beyond words alone though he's unsure how welcome it actually is as she continues on and what she says following the mention of rules causes him to go still. There's a logic in what she says that's rooted in pain so deep it echoes throughout every word. What was a twinge before is an outright ache now as he holds onto her and listens before glancing up in time to catch that look on Sylvain's face like the world had just dropped out from beneath the other man's feet. With his one hand still on Hilda's waist as if to say this isn't a signal to get up either, he leans forward to grab Sylvain's wrist with his other hand to prevent either of them from going anywhere with a firmness that isn't meant to be unkind. ]

There's one part of that I'm not going to agree to. Hilda, you and I don't get to ask Sylvain to stop seeing Jesper. Otherwise, he should be the one to stop seeing us because he's been with Jesper for longer. That's something that you and I are going to have to learn to handle on our own. You're more than allowed to feel whatever you do about their relationship and it's also entirely unfair to ask him to do that. Both of those things can be true at the same time, and no one's asking you to be soft or kind about it or anything else either.

I meant it about having to find something that works for all of us, so setting rules is a good way to go about that and we absolutely should. But what isn't going to be a good idea is something which doesn't involve some level of compromise when working on this together means finding what will work without breaking anyone's heart.

[ Because that much Claude feels confident in saying it would do to Sylvain even if the man in question can't seem to bring himself to say it (aloud) and while in the same breath he's trying to not break Hilda's. There's compromises to find that will work, he's certain of it, rather than drawing such stark lines without any bend to them. They just have to look for them first. ]

Never talking about what anyone else is doing is also a good way to feed into distrust and resentment, and none of us are immune to those feelings. Even if honesty is painful, we owe that much to each other from here on. There's no one else I'm seeing right now but if that did somehow change in the future, I would tell both of you about it because hiding it would be a lot worse. And though it probably goes without saying, I still want to make it clear I would hope that you would both do the same for me.

So the rules I'm proposing as an alternative are this: Sylvain keeps seeing Jesper. Same for you with Alucard, Hilda, because I'm not going to tell you to stop doing anything that makes you happy either. Though along with that, I think it'd be fair to also put out there anyone's allowed at any time to say they'd rather not hear details about anyone else's relationships outside of ours. Same for if they would rather not be around that at somewhere like the inn or here at the loft while we do try this. And then most importantly, whatever rules we set now whether it's these or something else don't have to last forever, but they also don't ever get to be changed without all of us talking about them first. That's just a start to us discussing this, so how does that sound so far?

[ It is just a start and nothing more, and certainly nothing immediately decisive: they still have more to cover and will beyond this one conversation. They won't think of everything at this time, but leaving the door always open to talk? That part might feel like something not negotiable in Claude's mind, but it's important to hear their thoughts on that too and whether they disagree. ]

[ The seconds stretch as Hilda waits for the axe to swing. If there's one thing she could count on was that Sylvain and Claude both hated rules so surely, they'd balk at hers. Is it sick that a part is counting on that? Hopes that they tell her no, absolutely not? That she's out of her mind, she's selfish, she's everything she had been telling them she is because the thing they have with each other is good and sweet and she's something long turned sour? She feels Claude's hand come to her waist and she jolts like a rabbit ready to bolt, not because she thinks he's trying to hold her in place, but because he's furious with her. But no shove comes, and when her instinct to bolt rears, it's stopped in its tracks when she sees Sylvain's stricken expression like she had just punched him in the gut. It spears her through, rooting her to the spot.

Hilda knows this feeling, this stinging disappointment that permeates the air. This is what she feared the most. The buzzing at the base of her skull grows louder, drowning out the sound of the fire and she feels short of breath. Claude's gentle, but firm scolding of her last ditch attempt stings her cheeks, the shame rising in her throat. Unbeknownst to her, something akin to a large monstrous flower flickers over her face like an image distorted - before it's gone as quickly as it comes.

There it is. Confirmation that she isn't everything she tries to paint herself to be. How are they better together, she wonders, when all she's been good at since arriving is causing them both trouble and asking unreasonable things? She's a creature of habit. This would happen again. They'd barely begun and this only proves to her that there is no reward for being greedy. She should have kept plastering her walls over with gossamer and silk and been the good supportive friend she wanted to be. And there's still a chance for her to do that if she says she can't agree to what is a reasonable compromise.

She could play the bratty princess card, the one she knew like the back of her hand. The one that loved to bemoan how cruel the world was to her when it was actually the other way around. Her complaints and cruel jibes are already on the tip of her tongue: Why is she compromising when she's been told to be greedy and take what she wants? Why couldn't someone be as greedy for her as she was for them and only her? And if Claude was already wagering, predicting, that he would fall for someone else so soon, shouldn't she save herself the heartbreak and tears now? Sylvain would be fine if that happened, he'd land on his feet. He had love in spades already - he just couldn't see it yet. She couldn't put herself through this again. She wouldn't. And if she had to stomp on some hearts in the process, she would because if life taught her anything, everything was replaceable after some tears and some coin. Life would go on and she'd forget all about it the next day.

As tempting, as easy, as those words would be to say, they taste acrid on her tongue. She knows she would never say those things because, despite already bruising them, she never wanted anything to happen to their dear hearts. And more importantly, she didn't mean any of those things. Nothing, no one, could replace them, not even Alucard and her friend knew that. Others could take her place though, less problematic others. Brilliant, better, others that matched the way they shone - not like her fool's gold. Hilda knows she's the problem. Despairingly she wonders why they couldn't see that. Why else would she have offered up a condition so awful and manipulative? So hurtful? So unforgiving? How does she ever make amends after this? Conflicting emotions war inside her and she grips herself tighter, fingernails digging into her flesh drawing in shallow, shuddering breathes in an attempt to pull herself together.

Her voice is thick, heavy and toneless as shame weighs down her head until her gaze lands on the same spot on the floor. ]

Sylvain was seeing someone first. If we're following that logic, he should have the first say.

Edited (don't write at 2am kids) 2023-12-16 09:47 (UTC)

[ Claude's fingers closing around his wrist is the only thing that keeps him anchored in place when he would have pulled away. It's enough to freeze him in place while he lets the other man talk. Try to soften the cut and offering a compromise. He's still reeling, though. Is, until the silence drags out after those words and he sees Hilda's fingers tighten where she curls into herself on Claude's lap.

It's enough to have him mentally saying fuck it and calling up on abilities he didn't like actively using on them, not when it felt too much like cheating, or an invasion of their privacy. That didn't block what they sent him sometimes, of course, but this was different. This was him looking.

And what he gets from her is... fear. Choking, curling fear, with the sour taste of shame under it. It's enough to lock his legs in place as his gaze narrows on her, on her posture. On what she could be thinking, and why that was her answer to this. ]

No. [ His voice is quiet but steady now as he watches her face, still trying to read what he's picking up from her. Trying to make sense of this. ] That's not how we're doing this. There's no 'first' or 'last'. There's just us, all on equal footing, trying to figure this out together.

And you're still trying to sabotage this. Why, Hilda? I understand you're afraid of what might happen. I get that agreeing to this, trying this, gives us the chance to hurt you if it all goes bad - trust me, no one understands that better than me. Claude, too, I'd wager. It's a risk we're all going to have to take here, but I think it's - we're - worth that risk. Is it us... is it me you don't trust here, or is it yourself?

[ He's already scared to hear that answer, but he asks it anyway. ]

[ The lack of response from Hilda beyond folding in even further on herself rings several alarm bells in his mind. His grip on Sylvain loosens until Claude lets go, instead letting that hand hover over her shoulder as if debating whether to place it there. The flinch away from his touch from moments ago still lingers in his mind, startled as he'd been by it as she'd been the same, and so he drops his hand into his lap and watches.

Not Sylvain's face this time; what he can see of Hilda's is what he studies where everything reads like defeat. It matches the mention of sabotage, a word which didn't click into place until it's now hanging in the air between all three of them. So does the weight of all of this being a way to hurt each other even without that being the intent, and not for the first time he considers whether they're well past that. For all the confidence he's had in this, fear begins to creep in at an increasing rate.

Sylvain's ending question - there's another possible answer which isn't mentioned. But unlike his own questions in the Nether he came across where he was afraid to ask, this one Claude doesn't feel like he needs to in order to find out. It doesn't need to be said aloud that on some level or possibly - likely - multiple, that Hilda doesn't trust him to be true, or for that to be something he's undeniably earned.

He stays silent. He's said enough, and enough of what Sylvain says overlaps with his own thoughts whirling around his mind that he's not certain there's any point in essentially repeating it. On this Claude feels he shouldn't lest it end up not seeming like the support he'd intend to offer if he did, and instead he sits frozen with nothing to do but wait for what will follow. ]

[ There hasn't been enough time for her hurt manifesting as pettiness to retreat when Sylvain speaks. Cruel barbs swirl to the tip of her tongue but all of them bounce off the back of her teeth, her guilt preventing them from seeing the light of day.

Not saying those things however makes way for other feelings to stir up from the rubble of her heart. For a realization that she hadn't voiced, perhaps ever in the time that she had known Claude, but had certainly thought since their fight and one that he thought, except about her. She trusted him - but there was still a crack in their foundation, one that still had yet to be repaired. Her nails dig in a little harder. ]

It's not you that I don't trust. [ She says it so weakly that it may as well have been a whimper. ] Claude and I - we haven't...

[ Really spoken about their fractured trust? Done anything except maybe hold hands and talk more than they had before their fight because she didn't know how to anymore? Her voice trails off, dripping in shame because she doesn't want to land another blow. She had the bruises across her knuckles to prove that she had been recklessly brutal. She had left cuts, wounds and scars in her wake. Why couldn't they just see that the only reason it would end in disappointment was because of her? That no matter how hard she wished for it, her insides would be rotten to the core and that she would be more destructive than she would ever be delicate? ]

That will take time to repair. I know that, but that's not really the reason. I don't trust myself. I'm terrified of disappointing you both because I'm going to screw this up again. I already have with that stupid rule. And I'm just going to keep disappointing you both because the minute something doesn't go my way I'm going to be greedy, selfish and awful.

[ The last word is sobbed and the tears begin to spill in earnest this time. Relinquishing the hold on her arms she presses the heels of her palms into her eyes to staunch them. ]

I don't want to do that. I don't want either of you to be disappointed in me. I'm trying to save you both the hurt - why can't you see that?

[ He’s still spying on her emotions, trying to interpret her reaction to his words, because he needs to understand this. They need to get this right. He can understand the depths of the cracks here - between all of them - and that if left to fester, they’ll fracture everything that could possibly come after.

That’s the last thing he wants. He doesn’t want to see that look on Claude's face any more, the careful way he can see him holding himself, how still he’s gone. He doesn’t want to see Hilda crying anymore, feel this aching pain washing out from her in waves. But this time, her jagged edges are aimed just as much inward as they are outward.

He doesn’t tug her hands away from her face, although he’s tempted to. Tempted to swipe his fingers under her eyes to chase away any trace of those tears. But sometimes those need to be shed, and since he can’t tell if this is one of those times or not, he lets them fall. But he does wrap his arms around her shoulders now and draw her in against his chest. Tucks her head in against his shoulder and holds her much like he had so many months ago, when she’d ended up spilling her tears in his bed. One hand smooths over her hair, trying to comfort her, as he meets Claude’s gaze over her head. Trying to gauge if he’s alright, or if those deadly cracks are already widening under their feet. ]

Sweetheart. You haven’t screwed anything up. I’m not going to say you didn’t catch me off guard, because you did. [ That and… he hadn’t actually realized he’d mattered enough here for anyone to get jealous over. Which sounded harsh when he thought it like that, but he knew his relationship with each of them was nothing compared to the depth of tangled feelings they had for each other.

He rests a hand against the back of her head, pressing his lips to her hair. ] We can see it, Hilda. But there’s a problem with your logic. You’re trying to protect us from you, from the hurt you think you’ll cause. But in the process, you’re taking that choice away from us entirely. You’re taking away the potential joy and warmth and happiness and everything wonderful that comes from sharing new experiences with you. All of what the three of us could be together. Yes, that trust is going to take time to repair, I’m not going to diminish that that’s going to need time and healing and effort from both of you.

But Hilda? Trust us to know what we want. What we believe is worth the risk of maybe hurting for, because we believe that the gains we could find instead are so much more precious. We’re all going to have moments when we’re greedy and selfish - we’re human, all of us. But please try and trust us to work through that with you, work through it with each other, when those rear their ugly heads. You’ve been trying, all this time, to deal with it on your own, but sweetheart, it’s been winning. It’s still influencing all your choices and making you afraid.

We all have something that preys on us in our weak moments. Makes us doubt ourselves. For you, it’s this. For me… [ He pauses, takes a deep breath as he closes his eyes. She’s been so bluntly honest with them. She deserves the honesty back. No matter how painful. ] For me, it’s believing that I’ll never be enough to meet either of you halfway. I never have been and it’s hard to believe that will ever change. That it could ever be different. So much of the time here I’ve just… been biding my time, waiting for either of you to wake up and realize this is all it is, all I have to offer, and it still falls too far short. That I’m not worth the trouble, when it comes down to it.

I know what I’m good for, and it’s not something like this. People that came after me for a relationship were never really interested in me, and the ones that did come after me for me… They always only wanted a quick fuck, no strings attached, because my reputation had to be good for something, right? That’s all any of them ever amounted to. Ever.

I’m… temporary. A placeholder, one people fool themselves into thinking it’s what they want, until they get a taste of the real thing, and realize that it’s not what they thought, and not enough to satisfy them for longer than a brief fling. A taste. A cheap imitation.

I could pull away just as easily. I almost did. The only thing I thought I could do here was make things more complicated for you two, until you figured out what you wanted of each other. I thought, if I were a better friend or lover, I’d take myself out of the picture so you could get on with that discovery, without distracting either one of you. But every time I tried to make that decision, commit to it, it felt… wrong. Painful. My head was convinced it was the best path, but my heart… wouldn’t let me do it.

[ He tugs gently on a lock of her hair, not looking at Claude, not looking at anything, because that was more vulnerability than he was comfortable with, just out there now, potentially to be used against him. Deep-rooted fears that still won in dictating his actions and words sometimes. ]

I think your heart’s been trying to do the same thing, so start listening to that, not your head. Not the fears and doubts that tell you you’re just going to ruin this. Because I don’t think they’re right. And I don’t want them to be right. But the longer you let them make your choices for you, Hilda, the more it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Edited 2023-12-19 17:39 (UTC)

[ CLOSED ] the dawn is opening

— the mess; cuz i've been waiting forever, waiting on this to start

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