Julia Wicker (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
divinityfrompain) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
abraxaslogs2023-11-02 10:29 am
divinityfrompain) wrote in abraxaslogs2023-11-02 10:29 am
Do you love magic? Is it in your soul?
WHO: Julia Wicker and you!
WHAT: Catch-all for November
WHERE: Solvunn, Nocwich, Horizon
WHEN: Throughout November
WARNINGS: Nothing right now.
[ooc: feel free to wildcard below or ask me for a custom starter on plurk]
WHAT: Catch-all for November
WHERE: Solvunn, Nocwich, Horizon
WHEN: Throughout November
WARNINGS: Nothing right now.
[ooc: feel free to wildcard below or ask me for a custom starter on plurk]
no subject
One such friend his thoughts turn to in recent days is Julia, and he recalls her invitation to visit her Horizon. He finds a quiet comfort in that shared space, having gratefully visited the domains of others in recent weeks. Today is a day to be with a friend, though. Yes, that'll do. So as he quiets his thoughts — a challenge at times for a busy mind — he thinks of her and he's delighted to see it up close now. Perhaps because she'd mentioned that map she'd made with her friend specifically, the Doctor finds himself standing in front of that first before anything else, and he smiles softly before looking around, though not before gingerly touching it with a hint of reverence. It means something to her, which means that it likewise means something to him.
"Julia?" He calls out now. "It's the Doctor. At your service!" A pause. "Do we like that, at your service? No, bit formal." He scrunches his nose a bit, beginning to wander already. "Doesn't fit us, although I am at your service, here to help, always there when you need me. But I'll do you better, hang on." Another pause, and then his voice is pitched a little higher and with a clear smile in his voice, "Hello, Julia, missed ya!" He makes the end syllables purposefully rhyme.
no subject
"You came!" Julia says with a smile, already seeming like the heavy weight that was on her shoulders before is lifted in here. The divine glow around her is lessened in here too, as if she can decide for herself to be more human than not.
"This is Hudson. Someone told me you could create creatures in here so I just couldn't resist." Her behavior is similar to the hatchlings as she's curious and maybe has a little mischief, but she looks like none of them. "The Hudson River Dragon helped me out back home." So she created the creature as a sort of homage. She sets Hudson down so she can do as she wants; there seems to be no real 'control' of them once they're made, for whatever reason.
"Did you see the map?" Julia assumes that he did as it's right there on the wall but she's just glad he's there and beaming with it.
no subject
When they come closer, the Doctor briefly claps his hands together, rubbing them in gleeful and barely contained excitement. Why contain excitement, is his motto.
"Hudson. Oh, I'm glad to meet you, what an honor," he speaks directly to the dragon, watching it in amazement as it moves about. He'd heard of dragons many a time in his life, but he'd never seen them like this before and it's been an utter delight. "I have a companion of sorts in my Horizon, a raven actually, thanks to Wanda. Have you met her? She's fab! We're just getting to know each other actually. Well, me and Wanda and me and the raven. A pleasure on all accounts."
He folds his hands together behind his back, looking back over towards where the map was. "The map was the first thing I saw, in fact. Probably because I was thinking of it. I loved your story." It had meant a lot to him, what she'd shared then. "Will you tell me more about it? The places on your map, your favorite places. You said it wasn't perfect — real, but damaged, I think you said."
It stuck out to him, in any case.
no subject
"Wanda is the best! She's so kind, she is very welcoming to everyone in Solvunn, and makes you feel immediately at ease." Which isn't easy for people to do when they're pulled out of a well into a strange farm land and told they were treasured by the gods of this world. It's a weird place. Julia's adapted to it since arriving but the value of Wanda's immediate kindness is irreplaceable. She suspects it's the same for others.
"Dragons are portal-keepers in my world. They're fairly neutral with everyone, being extremely old and doing their own thing." Julia likes them for that though. There is something to be said for neutral parties who don't really take sides; it's not always great, but it is reassuring in a way. The dragons will help people who trade them and they don't judge.
"Well the gods who made Fillory were very damaged but real themselves, so that's where it came from." Julia might have issues with Ember, and considering her responsibility in her death, it's deep, but he also did create the planet. And even if he was a dick about it in the end, at one point he was someone who wanted to create something beautiful and bizarre with his brother. She'd rather think of him that way.
"In the Great Marsh here." She points at the green forest. "There is a giant turtle called the Prince of the Mud." Julia smiles happily. She's never really gotten past her love of Fillory, going there only secured it. "And this is Castle Whitespire, where my friends lived when they were kings and queens." Down to the right, obviously the drawing done by children so it's not as beautiful as the real thing, but she thinks it attempted. "And the Wandering Desert all the way down here with the Talking Lizards of the Dune." The map is fairly accurate considering she's been there now! Just childishly made.
"It's a very whimsical place, with actual opium in the air in some areas." So sections where people are a little high at all times, by accident. That was definitely something visitors from Earth had to get used to! "Oh and in the middle there is this beautiful rainbow bridge made of flowers you have to cross, I never got to see that. It's where people get coronated." And she used to dream of becoming a queen, of course. At least Q actually got to be a king! One of them did it.
"I didn't get to see as much of it as I wanted. Not yet, at least." But as a goddess, she has time, so when she goes back, she'll be able to travel.
no subject
Hearing Julia explain about dragons has him listening with rapt attention. He's heard of dragons plenty, but they were just stories until now. So much of what he's encountered here had only ever been myth and legend, not real, but everything's turned on its head and he's nothing if not adaptable. When Julia speaks of Fillory, of all that she's seen there, it's so easy to get lost in the visuals her words conjure. Of course, it helps having an actual visual in the form of her map, but at times, he can almost envision himself standing there by the rainbow bridge or in the Wandering Desert.
His arms are crossed loosely over his chest as his eyes follow her hand's movements, noting everything she tells him, cataloguing it, remembering it. All the while, his bright smile never wanes.
"There's always so much to see, isn't there?" He notes. "It's true, no matter how old you get or how much you've already seen." He waves his hand at her map before looking at her. "You've painted such a clear picture, I could even see it in my dreams, undoubtedly." Whenever it is that he'll actually sleep again.
"When we've left here, I'd enjoy the grand tour if you're willing. Though, this map fills in the gaps incredibly well," he smiles softly.
no subject
This domain is a blend of both. The location itself is new and created in her imagination, but the insides are very lived-in because they're real. There are many magic books on the shelves but they're not the official Brakebills ones because she never got to read those. They're filled more with hedge witch details, pages taken here and there from other magic texts, spells without formal instructions, inventive in a way that magicians didn't really get to be.
Fillory truly was what she wanted of it. It's too bad Ember turned out to be who he was, but the world he created was genuinely beautiful, and she was happy every minute she got to be there. At least until her Shade was gone and she felt nothing. But in Fillory was when she first used her goddess powers to their full extent, bringing back to life a forest she burned down, righting a wrong in the process. Fillory will only be wonderful in her eyes.
"You know, there are a lot of fears I have about living so long, but I think one thing I'm excited about is having the time to explore." Julia's been so down on herself about the ways in which she has to be better, how her world has changed and everyone she knows will die before her, but this is her chance to see the positive. And she feels positive when she's around him, he creates that vibe. "With one lifetime you can do the best you can, but you can't see everything."
She's an explorer - a searcher - much like him, so her mind does turn to adventures. It's her fear it'll be alone, but still. Seeing all of earth? Creating her own worlds? Visiting other planets? That part of being a god wouldn't be so bad, and she's finally letting herself see that.
She glances over at him, folding her arms, smiling.
"What, do you plan on coming and finding me once we're out of here?"
no subject
"A few new bits unique to this place. The raven sort of stands watch over top it, too, leaves little gifts," he grins. "Lenore, I've called it." He couldn't help himself, nerd that he is.
As they talk, the Doctor is ever multi-tasking. He's entirely present for everything Julia says, but his eyes are taking in every detail, gravitating to the bookshelves, the fireplace, the furniture around, noting how cozy and comfortable it is in here. Lived in, which is extraordinary for the nature of what it is, something he finds fascinating still, even now.
He might almost seem not to hear her with how his eyes roam, but the moment she speaks of exploring and asks if he'll find her, his attention drifts back to her almost immediately, eyes lighting up. And his hands are folded behind his back now as he leans in a little, playful as he ducks his head slightly.
"That smile, ha! Dead giveaway. That you like the plan, that is. The plan I've already devised, which is, of course, absolutely finding you. All that time to explore, like you said, and it all goes so fast, but we'll chase it, won't we? Across the stars, all there is to see, for as long as you want to see it."
He's still understanding the nature of this world and all its mystery, a world unlike any other he's encountered, but he has no doubt whatsoever that he'll remember her and find her.
no subject
She'd say he's the very embodiment of hope in everything she's seen of him. Even the memory birds were displaying a tragic past that he was able to get through, with that feeling still in his chest. She told Erik that she's trying really hard to look forward to the future. And here's the Doctor, saying all the right things.
She smiles as he looks around. "This is the Physical Kids dorm from Brakebills, the magical University Quentin and the others went to. This was their home, where I stayed for a time." It was her only safe space after Reynard was on the look for her and she couldn't hide from him outside. She obviously remembers it fondly. "I have my personal apartment upstairs."
It's pretty and classy, very suited for her style, but not as interesting as this common space, which is why she made this her entrance. She watches him as he looks around, pleased that he likes it. He wouldn't have approved of Brakebills, she doesn't think. He wouldn't like the exclusionary mentality they have, leaving so many witches out in the dark because they weren't perfect enough.
"I'd say that sounds impossible, but we're both the impossible already, aren't we?" And Julia is smiling, smiling so wide it'll start hurting if she keeps it up for too long. He has so much talent for that. "They say once you leave here you forget it, but I've already beaten that trick once. And if you don't find me, I'll find you." She apparently can create entire worlds with her power, why wouldn't she be able to go to alternate worlds and find the person who has made her feel hopeful again?
"Have you ever had another long-lived person traveling with you? Because you might get sick of me after awhile."
no subject
"Impossible. Impossible," he repeats the word with a grin that matches her own, letting the pitch of his voice rise just a bit playfully. "I love that word." To him, it's just a challenge, and that's clear from the gleam in his eyes. "I love proving it wrong, especially because you're right, we are."
People fall out of time, go missing, memories scattered about. He's seen it before. Whatever mechanism exists in this world to erase one's remembrance of their time here, the Doctor finds it just as likely that the time can be remembered. He'll make sure of it.
"I've had a few friends through the years whose lives were just as long, or longer, and we traveled for a bit, but they were different. You know, there are some things you can be absolutely certain of? You know it without a single doubt? This is one of those certainties. I couldn't possibly get sick of you. Now in the reverse, that may be another matter. I hope not! I've been gathering feedback the last few years, you know, making adjustments as I go along. Less broodiness, more puns, hold the salt. What do you think, if I were a...what do they call it — Yelp, is it? Yelp review. Five out of five stars, would chat up again?" he teases. Of course, he thinks he's good company (and her inviting him here is testament enough), or he tries to be, but he can't help the joke.
SORRY FOR THE WAIT a very social week
It's different to feel special rather than weird. Special isn't always the best thing to be, she's learned that, but in his eyes, well, she's going to take it.
"You should know you're only feeding my Type A personality of searching for excellence in all things." Sometimes that's a trait of hers she rolls her eyes about, and sometimes like now, she's having fun, joking around. High achievement requirements are what she used to live with, but then she wanted it, the thrill of being good at everything, to everyone. And now she's failed in so many ways but like him, she's alive. Still going.
To think someone would see a long life together and not tire of her? Wild. But she believes him, she really does. He makes everything believable.
"Don't make adjustments for me. I like a little broodiness. It'll suit my own." Julia is rarely all smiles, he has an impressive skill at bringing it to her. She is usually a very serious and somber young woman, her warmth hidden behind the shadows in her eyes. They both had their broody moments with the birds.
"Come on. Let me show you my apartment from home." She tugs on his hand to the stairwell that only appears when she wants someone to be up there. On the second floor is something that does suit that quieter side of herself. It's tasteful, shaded in blues and purples, not as lived-in as a college dorm, but it's been hers for many years. There are books everywhere, on the shelves but also on the couch, on the kitchen table, stacked by the door. All kinds of literature, most of the classics such as that would get her quoting Poe, but also magical spells and herbal remedies.
This is not a place for everyone to relax in like the Physical Kids' living room, it's personal, muted. Her space. "Have you been here long? Because I can make you actual tea and it tastes like tea here, it's insane." Tastes are real! Even if it's all in their head.
NO WORRIES at all!
And when she says that he need not make adjustments for her, that she would accept him brooding, silly, or all points in between, he believes it all the same. It's also an immeasurable comfort that those more melancholy moments of his — when they do come — won't be completely out of step with how she can be, too. A balance, it would seem.
"I'm only creating a monster, probably, but from what I've seen, you've really nothing to worry about with excellence in all things, Julia," he grins, though it's a soft and more serious thing.
When she tugs on his hand, he's quick to follow her, all the while looking around as they ascend, and of course, he's more than honored to be surrounded by a space that's so deeply personal. He can't help thinking briefly about his TARDIS and the many rooms she holds within. He technically has a room, although all of them are his. But a room like this? A space like this? It's something entirely different. What would it mean and what would it feel like to settle into a space and claim it? Vastly different from roaming the halls of an infinite ship that's always changing; he loves it, of course, every part of it, but it's...different. It's not settled, not like this.
"Not long, but I never turn down tea! And if I do, it's your first sign to worry about me," he smirks a little. The fact that they can taste such a thing here is extraordinary, so he's more than eager. He makes a beeline for a stack of books, glancing at all the titles, thrilled to learn more about what interests her.
no subject
She probably likes his brooding moments as much as his cheerful ones. People with depth and multitudes are a personal favorite. And not everyone can be happy all the time, it's simply impossible. She'd hate to try to live up to his standards if he was. Instead they can just be Julia and the Doctor, with all the light and dark that balances.
He'll easily find the great old novels everywhere, from complete works of Shakespeare, Dickens, Poe, Austen, Verne, the Iliad, the memory and mind of someone who loves stories more than anything. Fairytales and mythology have their own section, as they became more and more necessary to the search for truth. The magic books are more collections of spells, not the strictly Brakebills type, as she wasn't there long enough.
She smiles as she watches him and uses her own kettle from home, as beautiful and classic as her overall style, with colorful teacups. Julia can simply tell it to fill with well-brewed tea and picks Baimudan for them to start with. She settles down on her couch, pouring them both a cup.
"This was always my safe space, the table I told you about that had the map from childhood, it's there." She gestures toward the much smaller table he can look under if he wants, definitely made for children to settle under and talk, although she and Quentin were able to fit their heads another time.
"This is where my coven met." Julia's choosing to think of the good memories here and not the bad ones. He is part of the inspiration to try and reframe her mind that way. "We had such grand plans for the world, you would have liked them." They were all full of life, she told him their names before. Silver, Menolly, Bender, and Richard. "We called ourselves the Free Trader Beowulf, a group of hedge witches that put Brakebills University magicians to shame."
They summoned a god. And while that god was an evil being, it still isn't anything to sneeze at power-wise.
no subject
He does shift to crouch down, and then actually moves to lie beneath the smaller table. He'll leave no corner untouched while he's here! For a moment, he stays there nearly still, hands folded over his chest as he stares up and smiles. "Another Julia snippet. Snapshot. Moment in time that was you," he smiles faintly, speaking softly, trying to imagine it, her and her friend here so long ago. He shifts again just as quickly, bouncing onto his feet before moving towards the couch to join her. "I do love those! Julia snippets, I mean."
With a grateful nod at the cup of tea, he lifts it first as though inhaling the aroma with his eyes closed. Even the smallest things can be a bit of a production with him, but he wants to savor every part of this moment. Finally, he joins her and actually sits, sipping at the tea and humming a little.
"Oh, yes, yes, this will do. Thank you," he gives her a little nod. "Your coven — I like the name. I feel I know them a bit already." Their names, yes, but more than that, the way she offers these glimpses into her life with them all. It's no small thing that she shares any of it with him, especially given what she's been through only recently before arriving here. He would give her more of the same in return, a glimpse of him beneath the surface, what he's done, what he needs to be forgiven for, the parts of him most rarely see, but it's only that he holds it all in these days and he's not sure how to speak of it sometimes without prompting. He used to talk about it all so willingly, and now — well, she'd be the first here he'd say anything to, the one he'd trust not to look at him with pity or revulsion.
"With everything that's happened —" Not just what she'd told him when they'd first met, how she'd recently become more, a goddess, but then everything that was revealed with the birds, well, he can't help worrying over her. She's surrounded by wonderful people in Solvunn, but it won't keep him from worrying.
"What you are, Julia, what you told me before, have you been safe in Solvunn? I worry," he admits quietly. "No human going through what you have before, your nature being what it is, you've been okay?"
no subject
"There's fate around it. Surrounding me and Q and Fillory. As children, we could feel it in our bones, in our souls." Until they grew up and tried to give it up, and she succeeded, but Quentin couldn't. She isn't using that word casually; he'll know by now she never does with the words that matter. "We were meant to go there, so making that was more like drawing memories we hadn't experienced yet." There is a bittersweetness to that truth. It could torment as well as inspire.
Her eyebrows lift at the start of that thought, he can tell it's going to be a serious one, which they've both acknowledged they're fine with. Julia sips her tea and then sets it down, considering as the familiar flavor amazingly does fill her mouth.
"I've been trying to get the attention of a goddess. It's probably a useless endeavor, we aren't the same kind of deity, but I have to try." Julia half-smiles at him, that melancholy hanging over her. The drive to try anything to get her somewhere good, but a lot of confusion and uncertainty. She's literally lost in the woods at the moment. "Endrborrin, the goddess of renewal and spring. I was careful in my choice." All gods are dangerous, but she went through the pantheon and went with what she thought was the safest.
"I'm not human, I'm reminded of that constantly. I don't feel cold the same way, and I love winter." The crisp feeling of snow and ice, it's not always perfect, but for her it's something very reminiscent of home and the blankets of snow in New Jersey and New York. It's not that she doesn't feel any cold, but it's clearly muted, she has thicker skin. Heat is the same way. "I went on this obstacle course they made and got bashed around, and I should have been hurt, but I didn't have a scratch on me. And I know that's something people would want, but."
But for someone so afraid of losing her humanity, who never had a choice over changing, these are the things she fears will break her with time. She's already slipping away from mortality. "If nothing else, that at least you don't have to worry about." Julia offers her hand to him. "I'm literally unbreakable at the moment."
no subject
"Renewal seems a good starting point." Something hopeful in that. The notion of gods had been just...stories to him. Sort of. He's met many beings who claim to be a god of sorts. He'd faced an entity who'd claimed to be the devil, a being existing before time. But like so much lately, he's having to adapt, change his perspective. "If she harms you, she'll hear no end of it from me, but I hope it's what you're looking for, Julia. Honestly, I can't imagine it being useless at all, and for anyone or anything to ignore you, deity or not. You're unignorable."
Remarkable would be the more fitting word. But sometimes he doesn't say the things he means to say.
When she offers her hand, he does take it, though he goes a step further and sets aside his cup of tea, to allow him to hold her hand, while also using his other hand to cradle her forearm, if she'll allow him. And if she will, he'll gently turn her hand over, along with her arm. Strange movements, perhaps, but then he smiles as he looks up at her.
"I was double-checking! For scratches. And I'm still going to worry so you're stuck with the fussing." A brief light moment before he softens again, simply holding onto her hand now. "I don't feel those things, either, not the way humans do. I could stand out in the snow without a coat, I can tolerate the harshest heat. But I've always been that way and this is altogether new for you. Things you've lost. And as time goes on and you're further from it all — it must be hard not to fear it, what it could mean. Easy to fear yourself. You wonder if you'll ever lose your way? I have before," he admits.
She'd shared that mistake she'd made that cost her friends, and he understands the pain of it. But then to imagine a long life ahead, to be further removed from her humanity, he can also imagine the things she may fear to come. He's careful what he reveals. Sometimes he'll share things in a brief instance and then ignore any follow up questions or discussions. It's all carefully curated, he hides and holds back so much. But this feels important, even if it's such a small thing. He's not just saying words to make her feel better, though, he's speaking from experience.
no subject
Julia wouldn't say she's afraid of Endrborrin, or she wouldn't be attempting to get her attention, but she is apprehensive. If she can get any answers at all, or any help, she'll take it.
Her eyebrows furrow at him when he takes her forearm but she lets him without hesitation, only laughing when he explains what he's doing. It's astonishing how easy he can make her smile and laugh, especially in the middle of something serious like now. The only other person who has ever managed that is Quentin. She squeezes his hand once he takes it like normal.
"It's all I can think about. The gods in my world were not good people." He knows a few examples already. But she means all of them. She has yet to meet a good one, really. Iris maybe, but she was only good to Julia, it doesn't mean she is in general. "There was this man ... Martin. They called him the Beast, he was a bad person, but a lot of terrible things had happened to him first. He took out his Shade, that's like a piece of our soul, it's where empathy comes from, so he didn't have to worry about feeling anymore. That's what time and trauma did to him."
Martin was hurt the way she was hurt, only much longer, and much longer. Julia's feelings about him are complicated because while he was a villain, there was this understanding they grew between them, while working for a common goal. For a little while, he felt like the only person who understood her. "I lost my Shade on my path to revenge. I did bad things too." She burned down a sentient forest, she fed Quentin to Reynard, she did all kinds of things freed from a sense of compassion. "I got it back, but I know, Doctor, I know I have it in me to go to that dark place." There is this lost look in her eyes, full of anxiety and concern, for a future that may be a thousand years from now but still ahead of her.
"When I've forgotten what it's like to be human, when everyone around me has died, what will stop me from going there?"
no subject
How far removed are they from one another, then? He's done countless terrible things in his long life. He's hurt people, at times due to his own selfishness, at times because he had to make one terrible choice or another. He's gone over the edge and come back more than once, course-corrected, and then skirted that same edge once again. Some part of him always will, he thinks, but that's the point — to know what he's done and to find it repugnant and terrible, to remember what's gone before. The pain and guilt don't stop him from embracing each new day, but they're important. If he forgets the harm he's done, if he doesn't feel it, he'll forget the promise of his name, of who he wants to be. He doesn't want Julia weighed down by her past, but the past is always there regardless and the future ever looms and there is a way to live with both.
What can he tell Julia of all of this? Everything she's said, he can understand far more than she knows because he hasn't shared. He doesn't share, at least...not easily. It's the look in her eyes that haunts him for a moment, that tells him she deserves more than just empty guidance, she deserves to know why he understands. He can't yet tell her everything, but maybe one day. But he can tell her this —
"That dark place, Julia, I've gone there before. More than once. I've come back because there's a promise in my hearts I haven't let go of."
The people he's loved have brought him back along the way. But she will lose people and find more people and lose them, too, and it's hard and it aches. Loneliness is its own terror.
"Time and who we are is in flux. I don't know the beginning of your story, I don't know the ending or even how all of the middle part now is going to go, but there's hope in the in-between, in the choices we make everyday that we learn from. I don't have all the answers yet, Julia."
Even now. If she'll permit him, he cradles her hand tenderly, a more tender touch in contrast to his sillier examination of her forearm only moments ago.
"Does it help if I tell you that you're understood? I know what it is to be the source of pain — to have done terrible things that I regret. I can't tell you what to think or how to feel, but I promise that I'll be here looking for the answers with you."
He looks down at her hand, as if to distract himself for a moment from his own thoughts and anchor to her. "What kept you from going to that dark place today?"
CW: Reference to suicidal thoughts
It's strange to think that the greatest enemy of her group was someone who for a time was her only confidante. And it doesn't mean that Martin was right, that he was any less of a monster, but they saw in each other something similar. Kin spirits, in their agonizing and corrupting pain. He was, in some ways, a dark mirror, a road she could have gone down if she didn't have friends to pull her back. He stays with her though, like now. Lingering in her mind and her fears about where she can go.
"My friend Erik in Solvunn, he told me that maybe now isn't the time to be thinking of eternity. That I should focus on how to become one with who I am now." His advice stuck with her just as much as Martin's, a light point to push back against the darkness. Erik and the Doctor are both people she's met here who have managed to let her see more glowing beauty than sadness, who have with their kindness made her life better. She is a child of Fate so she can't help wondering if they are part of her fate, that they're keeping her on track.
It's good advice, she knows that. But he doesn't know what the Doctor does, which is that when an eternal life is set in front of you, it's guaranteed to cause fears of a century from now, a millennium from now. She can't be a girl in her twenties trying to find her way. Erik makes her feel that way though, like a young person.
She wonders what the Doctor's baggage is. She remembers the birds and what they did to him, what he's hinted at, and what a thousand years can bring someone. She puts her other hand on top of his. She looks into his eyes, her own searching, her gaze serious. That's what she meant by her brooding, he's experiencing it now, that somber thought process.
"My dark place doesn't leave me, Doctor. I was made this because of it." Everything is intertwined together. Dark and light. Pain and freedom. "But I hold onto the fact I could have gotten revenge and I chose mercy. Without my Shade. That means something good, right?"
no subject
When she looks at him, he pays her the respect of holding her gaze in return, not just to ensure she knows he sees her, but to offer it back for a moment. He reveals nothing aloud, no, but in his eyes — briefly — is a depth of shadows and sadness all tangled together that he rarely allows anyone to see, certainly not purposefully. He allows her this — a window into what lies beneath. For a moment only, and then his eyes shift, still soft but searching hers, focused only on her now.
"It doesn't go anywhere, no, it wouldn't. It's never left me, either, or rather, I can't leave it behind," he offers, allowing another glimpse. "You chose mercy and that means everything, Julia, and because you went to a dark place once and because you know what you're capable of, you hold it tight, you face it, you don't run from it but you don't let the possibility of it control who you are now. You say, this is me, light and dark, good and bad, messy and beautifully imperfect and unfolding everyday into the wonder that's you. The only you there ever was or ever will be."
Their hands held together as they are, he ducks his head in a swift motion to kiss her knuckles for a moment before raising his head again to look at her.
"Trust yourself, and hold it all tight," he repeats. There's no escaping the truth of their natures, the bad they've done, but life means holding that together with all the good they've done and all the good still to come, and letting the past be a guide. Now, he smiles softly. "And we're going to be happy today. Here we are somehow, together, all of us, and there's so much to see, to know, to understand, to be happy for, to hold onto. We will, we're good at it, I think."
no subject
Julia sees what he's giving back and in a way they are kin spirits too, probably more than Martin, because she couldn't be connected to someone made of pure happiness. It would be too strange. The Doctor has lived through pain and regret and that is why he's given her hope since they met. He's her role model, in many ways.
She nods her head along with what he's saying because she agrees. All of those things are true. Dark and light, good and bad. She's always been someone grounded in reality, aware of the harshness of the world but still wanting to fight for the best. "I know I've been focused on how much I didn't choose this, but right before I came here, I was suddenly really looking forward to, I don't know, making something out of it." That's what she said, as she became more and more in touch with her powers and with the potential it brought. It felt right, and she was less and less angry about what it came from.
The reason she fell back into her emotional struggles here is that the rug was ripped out from under her. She was ready to become her new self, and then she was stuck, lost. But the Doctor is right to point out that it doesn't have to end there. This isn't her world but it'll have to temporarily be. "I mean, we have an entire psychic plane here in which we can imagine anything with." She looks around at her domain, smiling again. "Who could have seen that coming?"
And that's a good thing. "And I met you." An undeniably wonderful good thing. "We can be happy today."
possibly wrap here or on your next tag? good either way!
"Happy today," he repeats, affirming it with her as his smile broadens. "And, you know what, maybe tomorrow? Not too far ahead of ourselves just yet, but — yes, I have a good feeling about tomorrow."
If for no other reason than it's the promise of a new beginning, a brand new day to start over. Good, bad — whatever comes, he'll be here with her and for her in whatever capacity he can be.
"Now —" He squeezes her hand again before looking around a little. "Show me around more? So much to see, I don't want to miss a single thing."
sorry for the wait for the wrap, stupid power going out. I'm doing a new start for them soon!
"I have a good feeling about every day with you, Doctor." She grins at him. "Which is a good thing, if we're going to be adventuring the universes together some day." What fun they'll have! And he can teach her about living too long and who knows, maybe they can make some good things together.
Julia squeezes his hand back and stands, tugging him up with her. "Oh you have to see some of the things downstairs, the Physical Kids came up with so many interesting details that you can't help but remember, since I did." She wasn't there very long but she loved it there, she could have seen herself living there. Now she can! And with friends.