❂ open!

[thoughts]

Who: river & you!!
When: over the first week of december!
Where: nocwich and castle thorne
What: exploring nocwich for that good cross-faction CR and then a week later when river's canon powers return with a suckerpunch
Warnings: possible mentions of human experimentation, torture, and child abuse. there are content warnings for canon themes and an opt-in/opt-out post for her psychic abilities over here, please check it out!

☾ backdated - nocwich

[ being new to abraxas - alarmed and terrified at being stolen away, having spent the first day traversing castle thorne in a daze as she tried to accept the reality of this world - there is no small amount of trepidation as she steps through the portal to nocwich. as far as the theoretical physics of it all, a portal is more outlandish than teleportation, which makes more sense from a logistical standpoint. although she's not a fan of the molecular deconstruction of her body just to be reassembled elsewhere, so maybe a magic portal won't be so bad...

anyone by the castle thorne portal might hear her mumbling about this for a long while before she finally takes a deep breath and steps through.

more than the notion of magic being real how is magic real, river's main curiosity is the fact of being allowed to go to nocwich at all. she isn't used to her captors being willing to let them leave, even if it's on a tight leash. nowhere close to freedom, but it falls to the back of her mind the moment she finds herself in the bright and lively nature of oleuni square.

with no money to spend and no inclination to buy anything in the first place, river spends her time just wandering around looking at everything with eyes the size of saucers. with a staunch lack of propriety, she'll pick up anything she's curious about and may or may not put it back where it belongs. she watches the performances on stage with rapt attention, stares a little too long at any non-human folks walking about, and otherwise seems to float about in a happy daze as she wanders alone through the streets.

might be best she's not left unattended for too long, lest she overstay her welcome and disturb the locals. ]

☉ current date - castle thorne

[ despite her early misgivings and intense mistrust of those what brought them to this world against their will, there is so much about the castle that excites the childlike wonder that encompasses river in her entirety. it's stunningly beautiful, and she spends a lot of time aimlessly wandering around ( generally barefoot ) as she takes in the architecture, hangs out in the gardens, and puts her fingers all over anything that even remotely looks magical.

more often than not, it looks like she's having fun. she might get shy or suspicious when people approach her, especially any of the thornean mages, but she does well enough to explore with a brightness to her features.

in many ways, it's a blessing of her eyes being closed, her mind shut to the influx of noise and chaos that ordinarily floods her senses. river knew better than to hope the silence might stay forever, but it still catches her by surprise when the moment comes during breakfast on her eighth day. like a tidal wave crashing over her, the thoughts and emotions and worries and fears and secrets and everythingeverything around her overloads her senses.

anyone in the dining hall might hear a loud scream and the clatter of dishes as river flings herself out and away from the table. she winds up on the floor, eyes wide and shaking like a leaf in the wind, ready to be blown away by the slightest breeze. she rambles in distress, seemingly without seeing anyone in front of her even as she sees everything. ]

No, no no no. No! You can't - you can't be here, you can't! Qǐng shàngdì liánmǐn - stay away!

[ tears in her eyes and screams in her ears, river may be hard to console as she tries and fails to fight back the rising tide of panic. let's just hope nothing sharp or pointy finds its way into her shaking hands... ]

[ ooc: as a reminder, hover over any chinese text for a translate, and please hop on over to her opt-in/opt-out post to let me know how you'd like me to play her psychic abilities around your character. feel free to reach out to me at ragemarshmallow on discord or varooooom if you want to plot anything out! 💚 ]

Comments

[thoughts]

[ his response is easy and kind, could almost be humorous if it weren't for the things buried deep beneath his shiny words. river stares at him in silence for a long moment before she sniffles and lowers her head. ]

I know why you lied. I get it. You're afraid.

[ might not be the word he'd use for it, but she can see it. the empire's waving flags, the people they've hurt or disappeared, the worlds that have been crushed beneath their boots. he runs so very fast to stay ahead but there are monsters trailing right behind him.

she gets it. they're afraid of getting caught. there's a deep fear and desperation when she looks up at him again. ]

I am too. They're - they're not supposed to be here but you can't know for sure. They come in twos. Two by two, hands of blue.

[ another sob escapes her as she starts crying again. ]

They'll never stop looking. What if they come here too? I don't want your eyes to bleed.

[ people will die screaming if the alliance ever finds her again. she's afraid - for everyone around her. ]

[diametrically]

[ River labelling his decision to use a false identity as fear stills him. He wonders how much of his mind can she see into, because what else could it be but that? For her to pluck his name from thin air like he's some sort of open book. For her to understand that the source of his paranoia, all of his years of layered anger, hatred, and distaste of injustice, all stems from fear of a relentless, uncaring beast whose hunger could never be sated? 

Another thought rises to the surface as her gaze rises to meet his: that he would take care of her. This young girl with a penchant for reading books about theoretical physics and calculus, with a childlike wonder for this new world and its magic so bright that it seemed to blot out any other worry she might have. ] 

I am afraid. 

[ Of bleeding eyes, of unseen things in the dark that crippled River with so much fear, of never seeing his loved ones again. He reaches out again to brush more of those tears streaking down her cheeks. ] 

But we can't let them control us like that. That's how they win. It's how they make it seem like the only way out is by never fighting back. [ Quiet conviction swells in his voice. ] You're stronger than that, River.

[thoughts]

[ she closes her eyes, trying to let the warmth of his hands and gentle encouragement wash over her. it's hard when she can't stop hearing things, can't stop seeing things that aren't hers to see.

he says 'we can't let them control us' and river almost wants to laugh or start bawling again, because that's what she was designed for. to be controlled, used to serve the alliance's mission. it's woven through her bones, the depth of the control they exert over humanity as though it's their god-given right. ]

I don't think I am.

[ it's a quiet admission, tears still stubbornly rolling down her face even as he tries to help push the sadness away. river sniffles and looks at him with an exhaustion that can't be expressed in words. ]

But I want to be. I'll do my best.

[ 'i'll get better.' she'll try. she doesn't want it be like this forever.

with a stuttering inhale, she puts her head back on his shoulder and whispers: ]

Duìbùqǐ, xièxiè nǐ, Cassian.

[ he might recognize at least one part of the phrase from their brief lessons in chinese: thank you. ]

🎀!

[diametrically]

[ Even if she can't express her exhaustion, he understands with that one look how she feels. They've both been running, fighting, these unseen forces for so long that it's ingrained so deeply into their bones that it's all they know. No matter where they are, survival is all they understand. And that goes hand in hand with the fear that they can't dig out of their skin.

When River's head meets his shoulder again, he rests his head comfortingly atop it. Even if she can't see it, her whispered "thank you" makes the corners of his lips lift sadly. It hardly feels like something she should be thanking him for because he doesn't feel like he's done anything at all. He can't shield her from the thoughts that plague her mind. All he can do is try.

Silently he reaches out, threading their fingers together and squeezing them tight. A beat later he offers up another response she had taught him, quietly with the inexperience of someone unfamiliar with the language but no less sincere - ]

Méi guān xi.