abraxaslogs | [ CLOSED ] into an ocean

He sees the question coming, and he already knows his answer, but that doesn't stop him from pausing to consider his words. Perhaps that's a sign of how life here has changed him as well.

"I would leave," he says. "Not because of a difference of importance, but because of a different in need. I've told you what I left behind; upon the betrayal of our master, the danger is too great that our brotherhood could collapse without the efforts of those who would hold to our creed."

There's Malik, but Malik is just one man, and he has not seen all the things that Altaïr has. And, of course, there is the Apple.

"But that's what I would do. It should have no bearing on what would be right for you to do."

The answer isn't entirely surprising; what Altaïr reminds him again that he'd left behind is every bit as weighted and even more dire than the fragile state of Fodlan. Even if he won't be there to see it, Fodlan has a new leader and one he can count on which tempers some of the worry.

If worry's even the right name for it - it feels like he's gone through so many different labels for it and more so as the days, weeks, months continue to accumulate since when he'd first arrived. Then it had been a deeper concern to be here away from everything he wanted to achieve; as time has passed, so it's been tempered little by little. Never far from his mind, though, and never more so than now as he's opened the door to talk about it.

"I don't think I know what would be right to do at this point," he finally says while drawing a knee up to prop an arm on it absently, "and that in itself is something I can't say I've ever felt before. I didn't grow up in Fodlan, though my mother is from there and did. The country I grew up, Almyra, in is where my father is from. My entire childhood I'd heard nothing but awful things about anyone from Fodlan. So I left in search of a new view, only to find Fodlan believed all the same things about Almyra. I wanted to find a way to change things and though the war wasn't the way I wanted to go about anything, ever, there's no denying it opened doors. So much so that I was about to head home and see just how many it'd opened there, too."

There's a level of understanding that can only come with direct familiarity of a world, but Altaïr is at least familiar enough with war and human nature to understand what Claude means, and how that affects him now.

"A road not taken, right at your feet when you were summoned away from it," he says. "Yes. I know that feeling. The timing of the loss is as significant as the loss itself."

Having made a decision, that decision was promptly taken from Claude's hands. Altaïr knows the cost of war and he knows that Claude and the Templars he killed were both right — war also heralds great change. The possible ramifications in Claude's homeland must be nearly endless.

"Tell me. Is there an outcome that would satisfy you? A particular door that if you knew for sure had opened, you would be able to rest easy and turn your full attention to the life you've built here?"

It's a succinct way of putting it, and so much so that for a second it catches Claude off-guard. The summary is an accurate one: for all that his mind wanders the paths of every possibility at any time no matter the situation, this particular one being blocked with no way to know what's on the other side is like a stubborn pebble lodged in his boot.

Not an irritant but a bother that's only grown the longer it's been there and with no way to remove it. Nothing to do, really, but consider it over and over and still never find any answers. That makes it all the more fitting that a question Claude had sensed was waiting to come up at some point is asked, and he offers an exhale which might be a humorless laugh if he'd put a little more effort into it.

"I wish I knew the answer. Some days it feels like it might be that if I knew what I'd planned would be successful, and others it's that I wish I'd made it home first. But all of it still comes at the cost of looking away from what's in front of me, and I've made that mistake too many times to wish to repeat it ever again." He pauses, since - that's not the complete picture either, and Claude's silent for a good few moments.

There's a further truth beneath his restlessness which can't be attributed to that alone. He studies Altaïr as he thinks, then makes a decision on yet another piece of honesty. "I think, if I were really going to be honest with myself, it's easier to look back and concentrate on what was left behind than to face the worry of losing what we have here."

He can practically see the gears in Claude's mind turning as he considers it, and gives him the time to do so without urging an answer. The question may or may not have a simple answer, but it doesn't have an easy one, that much he's sure of.

"I think that makes you more honest with yourself than many men would be willing to be." This is unsurprising; it's one of the reasons he respects Claude.

"And I think you're right about what's easier. Looking back, can see the pieces of life as we remember it. Beyond our grasp, but solid in our minds." It's a strange way to people, events, memories that have no presence in this world — but he knows them in a way he can't know things here. "There's more uncertainty here. More possibilities that what we've built could be torn down for reasons we have no way of anticipating."

"I might've been less than honest with others, but I try not to lie to myself if I can avoid it." It's said as lightly as Claude can manage, as if it's something not serious and yet another reveal of sorts in those walls he'd crafted with dedication over time. Something he feels he probably doesn't have to tell Altaïr for the other man, perceptive as he is, for him to have already known this or perhaps even understand it.

"But you're right - being able to look back puts things into focus, doesn't it? Even most of what I'd thought seemed out of reach then feels like it could be now if I'd returned not long after coming here. It's not so simple now that so much time has gone by and with the hope everything stays stable for a bit longer, if it only could."

A wish he'll gladly put out into the world for the fates to hear considering he's not about to trust the gods here any more than the ones he'd grown up with. It remains a wish considering even his many machinations in the form of plans and anticipating outcomes can't prevent whatever might come to find them next here, and that gets a small sigh from him. "Living in fear of something, no matter what that something is, isn't how I've ever wanted to live my life. Even with worry, I want to find ways to protect what we all have here though I don't know what that might be yet. Or even if I or anyone else can do that when the odds aren't exactly in our favor there."

That's a wise rule to live by. Claude's tone may be light, but Altaïr thinks he understands that very well. Lies to oneself can lead to worse outcomes than those caused by even the hardest truth.

He stays quiet for a moment, while Claude speaks and afterward for a few moments. It's a heavy topic, and he can see why his friend wanted to discuss it here, away from and above everything else. There's some symbolism in that, he supposes — they can separate themselves to a degree, but they can't truly remove themselves from this world or its future. That's been true since they day they were summoned.

"If you don't want to live in fear, then don't." It doesn't really need to be said, but it's worth reinforcing the sentiment that Claude has already given words to. "We all have a choice, a say in what happens next. That's true regardless of what we don't know or what the odds are.'

"That's true enough, though I've always preferred to set the odds myself." Through plans, through schemes, through whatever ways he could possibly make it happen: that'd been his goal for so long Claude can hardly remember the exact moment it'd crystallized for him rather than it being something developed over the years. By necessity, by means of everything to make sure he succeeded, and with space for failure left between if only because he'd planned for those instances, too.

"Of course, setting them at home came with having many things which made that possible there that isn't the case here without some serious interventions of some kind or the state of things tipping over into something else entirely. I don't particularly want to wish for the latter even if I wish there was a way to guarantee things could become stable for everyone."

Those all feel like mere wishes with hollowness than any promises within, and he's quiet again afterwards as his mind continues to puzzle over that with as many winding paths as the streets of Cadens before them. It leaves him with a question, one Claude suspects he might know a partial answer to, but he turns to Altaïr to ask it. "Is that something you've lived by yourself? With choices, I mean."

Altaïr understands the sentiment. Stability, safety, a better future for all. These are things anyone would want, things he does want in this world and his own. In that, he can understand the deeds of the Templars, if not approve of them.

He lets out a long breath and is quiet for a moment before answering. "Yes and no. The brotherhood I told you of, and our creed — I was born into both. Some would call that indoctrination, and they wouldn't be wrong."

It's something he's only begun to puzzle out, here in a place where it shouldn't matter, being the only Assassin here. And yet it does matter, to him.

"Yet I had to question that creed to understand it, and it is my choice to live it," he continues. "Truthfully? I don't believe anyone does not live with their choices. Some only tell themselves otherwise."

Indoctrination is a word which catches his attention, if only because it comes close to what he'd thought about Seiros' followers in a slightly kinder term. It fits, he realizes now, with what Altaïr has also described to match other threads of thoughts he'd had but that hadn't coalesced until now. Claude nods slowly while considering that and the weight of what his friend says.

"I've often thought that if we posed a question to the Summoned who have strong beliefs in something from their home that they've brought forward here it would be for what you've said: that someone chose to continue living by it just as they always have. It'd explain why so many of us step forward when asked."

Something he's come to find comforting even if there's the ever present suspicion of whether anyone has any ulterior motives for doing so beneath it - mostly because Claude knows that he's waiting for a chance to leverage some of it into something else, should that chance ever present itself, but. It's made for a community he values and good friends like the man sitting next to him here on this rooftop, and that's been worth everything to him.

"Myself being no exception to that, of course. Those things I wished to see happen at home - if they have to wait like everyone else with the same and what you'd also left behind, too, then at least we have each other to lean on in the meantime." Which is still circling around the actual point he's making, so with a slight shake of his head Claude looks to Altaïr next. "I'm grateful for you, my friend. There aren't many I've spoken to about these things now or if ever."

More than once Altaïr has thought that what the Summoned had in common was really the lack of any shared, unifying creed. Other times he's seen it exactly as Claude puts into words now. Truly, it's difficult to name any of them who do not have a certain strength of belief.

"As am I." For Claude, and for others he's been able to forge a bond with. He smiles. "It was only a short time before my summoning that I was able to humble myself enough to open up to others with trust. I've told you the story."

He'd been an arrogant man closed off to others, too bright a star that was cast down from the heavens to land on the earth and forced to understand what was important.

"I'd thought the opportunity lost to me when I found myself among strangers. I am very glad to have been wrong."

That smile on Altaïr's face, rare as it seems in the time they've known each other, says much even before the words follow. It's a testament to time spent together, Claude thinks, and trust built to this point and all the others.

"I remember, which makes it all the more valuable. Being here is certainly good for that, though I hope you do get to return home and accomplish what you left behind before coming here. Not that I'm wishing you away or anything, for the record."

Just in case the Singularity has any ideas, and since it's more that he understands the importance of leaving in the midst of an inopportune time. A beat goes by and then, with a smirk, since he's teasing and well aware this is prodding a bit at a sore point from past talks though it's something Claude's been glad to learn otherwise on, he adds: "If it helps, I'm glad to have been mostly wrong about all assassins being the same. You've proven that wrong and then some."

He understands the tempered well wishes, and truly returns them himself. Does he wish to return home, do what he needs to do? Certainly. Does he wish to go home today? That's a more difficult question.

"I'm glad to have done that as well." His smile turns into something like a crooked grin tinged with frustration and he lets out a small huff. "Were we able to travel to other worlds freely, I think I would like to visit yours. It would give me the opportunity to instruct such men on what an Assassin truly is."

"I'd take that in an instant," he answers with a laugh, "and not just because it'd benefit me though that certainly doesn't hurt. You'd be doing everyone a service by making a clear divide between them and mercenaries, though I'd be tempted to keep that knowledge for myself."

For his own benefit beyond that, that is, since he could do with a few assassins of Altaïr's caliber on his side for all those challenges to take on in the future. But unless Viktor manages to figure out the summoning spell as he's alluded to more often over the past few months, it'll have to be a dream.

"I'm certain that we could find all sorts of trouble to get up to there as well, and far less involving any churches. Something more along the lines of adventure since there's more than just Fodlan to explore and plenty of tall buildings to climb along with it."

[ CLOSED ] into an ocean

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