abraxaslogs | [ CLOSED ] into an ocean

[ Those aren’t the words he expected.

But that doesn’t mean he knows what to do with them, either.

The confusion is writ plain on his face when his head turns back in Claude’s direction, eyes searching his face. Uncertain what that means, or what he should be saying back. ]

What else is there?

[ If it wasn't for that look on the other man's face, Claude would've had his own (yet another) question to fire right back: what do you mean?

But it's crystal clear that Sylvain genuinely doesn't know what he means by that; it's as if the possibility, even with that all important talk between the three of them and saying that they wanted this and each other, had never once crossed Sylvain's mind. Unnoticed, his fingers curl into his palms as if wishing they were still on Sylvain's shoulders to complete the action or something else there. ]

You, Sylvain. All of you, and you for who you are. [ He means to keep talking, but instead a laugh of disbelief dulled at the edges with a bit of sadness sputters out of his mouth and Claude has to take a second to inhale and exhale before continuing. ] That's what I thought we were doing all this time, and what I want hasn't changed from the first or the last time we talked about it.

[ That didn’t really clarify things any, although he’s torn between the feeling of needing to apologize - even if he doesn't know for what - and to bristle a little defensively. Though he stuffs down both urges, because neither one of them are going to be of any help here. ]

And what part do you think I’m not giving here?

[ Because he doesn’t think he’d been holding anything back? So he’s still not sure what Claude is looking for here.

Even if it’s pretty obvious by now that whatever it is, he’s not finding it.

He should really be used to how that stings by now. ]

[ It's fair for a question to be pointed back at him after how many he's asked himself, but with it comes something else. A warning bell rings in his mind: this is spiraling. There's a point at which asking, trying to be certain can do more damage than turning up any answers. One thing has become abundantly clear, however, and it demands one last question. ]

Do you believe I want you for something more than sleeping with you?

[ Though he's careful to ask it neutrally, even that sounds too much like an accusation when he doesn't mean it as one but an extension of the point he wants to make or to know. Keeping it just at that like it's some kind of ultimatum without being voiced as one and throwing down some sort of endpoint or what might be perceived as another prong of an elaborate trap isn't anything close to what he means to do. Quite the opposite, actually, so Claude's quick to shake his head after and keep speaking to swallow an ache he's ignoring back down. ]

It's alright if you don't because I understand I haven't exactly given you many consistent reasons to. But for me, Sylvain, all of this changed from being that a long while ago.

Well, considering we've lived together for almost a year now and I'm pretty sure I've cooked almost every meal, cleaned up after you, and didn't burn all those books you keep trying to murder me with in my sleep, I think I should be entitled to claim the title of trophy wife at some point soon here. Unless Hilda wants it, and I'm not about to tell her no while I still hold some semblance of sanity.

[ The neutrality isn't as reassuring as Claude probably thinks it is. It just means Claude's choosing his words very carefully and Sylvain doesn't want to think about why.

He's pretty sure it's a bad sign that Claude is still asking for something more than he's already been giving, because he's not even sure what he's been failing at that has brought this conversation up a couple times now, each one ending in such a way that leaves Sylvain feeling like he's still falling too fall short of... whatever he's supposed to be doing. Or who he's supposed to be. Whatever Claude keeps claiming to the contrary.

Because there's clearly still something missing here and he's usually better at figuring out where he's fucked up long before this. ]

[ Being presented with a blunt truth like that by way of a list rather than the yes or the no he was expecting is a surprise it takes him a second to absorb without showing it. It's not lost on him that actions are a more than fitting way to vocalize care without saying the words. Hadn't he convinced himself for years it was the best way to show the meaning behind his affection to Hilda?

Hadn't he rationalized the same for Sylvain?

Still - another short laugh leaves him, this one more tired than anything else. ]

I suppose this is where I take that as a solid no to what I asked.

[ He needs a minute to think through where to go from there, and Claude drags a hand through his hair while studying the other side of the street. It feels like there's something missing in what's going unsaid from them both, but he's at a loss as to figure out what without asking so many more questions. Or maybe that's exactly what he should be doing with something far more direct, and he looks back to Sylvain after puzzling something over. ]

If I flat out asked you how you felt right now, would you answer?

[ Still asked with an out, though - as always. ]

Confused.

[ The answer is dry as Sylvain shakes his head, huffing out a breath as he crosses his arms over his chest. Not quite defensive, but not exactly at ease, either.

Fuck it. Maybe being bluntly honest will work in his favor for once. It could happen, right? (ha. he doubts it.) ]

I don't know what you're looking for, Claude. What aren't I doing? I'm obviously not giving you something that has you keep asking things like this. What answer is gonna be enough here? I don't... I don't know what you want, apparently.

[ And anytime he started thinking he did, Claude would ask him questions like this and make him doubt everything all over again.

It just kept reinforcing his belief that he was shit at actual relationships. Maybe he'd been right not to try. There was an entirely different set of rules here that he apparently didn't know, and he had no idea how to even learn them. ]

I thought... I thought were doing good. But I'm guessing you see it differently.

[ Maybe at any other time he would've laughed over that first answer, and especially so since it's clear enough to him that's the case without it being said aloud. But what Claude can't figure out is the why behind it with that unknown being what makes him want to take flight - away from this conversation, away from the realization which feels like it's flying towards him as fast as any arrow that the longer this goes without any answers the more likely it is it's going to end in nothing but hurt.

Hearing again that Sylvain doesn't know what he's looking for could've felt like the twist of an unseen knife if it wasn't for one of those missing puzzle pieces slotting into place blocking it from happening. Surprise hits again, but this time with it comes a sliver of clarity into something he hadn't grasped before running through both that final set of words. ]

What? No, Sylvain. I'm trying to say the exact opposite.

[ There's no avoiding the uncomfortable feeling of having to peel off a mask or two for the sake of this even if he'd been doing his best to avoid it up until now. Time to take a deep breath and let it out as a sigh he doesn't bother to hide since it's not even just a bit too late to pretend like he's unaffected; the time for that ended several months ago. He's lost count. ]

So much so I might've laughed at that if I wasn't afraid saying the wrong thing now wouldn't cause you to leave and take part of my heart with you.

[ Well. One step at a time towards honesty, anyway. ]

[ The look Sylvain shoots him is utterly bewildered, as if those are the craziest words he's ever heard come out of Claude's mouth.

Maybe they are. ]

Why would I leave?? Claude, this is... it's one of the best things that's ever happened to me. Ever. So much so that I keep pinching myself, expecting to wake up. Or maybe for you to wake up. I'm not going anywhere. Not until you get fed up with me, anyway. [ Not if, but when. It's always when. ] I thought I'd made that clear.

I mean, I know things got muddled with Hilda, but the only reason I would have walked away then was because I really thought me trying to hang on as I was, was only making everything worse. For both of you. That's the last thing I want.

Edited 2024-04-22 02:43 (UTC)

[ That look isn't reassuring in the least. Not even when it's negated, sort of - no, mostly by what follows. The sort of words that are a balm to sore spots, but while Sylvain speaks Claude can do nothing but stare. Whatever expression is on his face is probably more confused than he wishes it would be even as this continues to click several things into place.

There's much he trusts Sylvain with in that slow building of trust since the other had arrived in ways he never could've guessed at that chance meeting in the tavern and from how it had only grown from there. And he doesn't, perhaps, entirely trust Sylvain with his heart after all, and perhaps that's mutual if this conversation is anything to go by.

It's not a good feeling of recognition, and it's incongruous with what he'd believed before. What he's said before, and certainly what he'd meant. It only takes a second for chagrin to seep in while he considers the mistakes made to make that so and whether outright responding to that might also somehow (and accidentally) make something worse. Unnoticed his gaze had drifted to the busy street again as he pulls it back to Sylvain once more with something else in mind. Hilda's voice echoes through it with the insistence of those unknowns Sylvain needs to know. If they're clearing things up, there's more to go yet. An explanation - of sorts. ]

There's probably something else I should tell you first before anything else, if you don't mind listening to a bit of a story for it.

[ He frowns because… that doesn’t sound good.

But he shrugs, spreading his hands to the side in a small shrug. ] I didn’t have any other plans today. My time is yours.

[ He’s not exactly going to protest pushing off this last letter delivery just a little bit longer either. ]

What’s going on, Claude?

[ Sylvain doesn't back down from what even Claude is willing to admit is hardly the most promising way to open a conversation. Especially so when they've been meandering their way around the current one and he's about to detour it again with a nod before he starts, but it'll be a necessary one rather than the loops he so often steers a conversation around in.

This particular explanation begins much the same way as how he'd once told it to Marianne: the truth, mostly, of how he'd grown up to confirm what hints Sylvain already knows of it from when they'd talked before. How it had become a driving force and one that'd brought him leave Almyra and to arrive in Fodlan with hopes which weren't realized with some things entirely in common with his home, and how it confirmed the dreams he had for what the future might look like. It isn't the full picture given it's not yet to what Hilda knows, but it's more of a complete picture than Marianne once heard when he told her he understood having burdens to carry.

But there's something else the two of them share, and it's some of what the birds revealed in the Nether as that also deserves explanation amidst everything else. ]

Who you heard there was my brother, Shahid. We've never exactly been friendly, as you might've gathered.

He was one of the ones that made your life… before. So much hell?

[ he listens quietly though all of it, although somewhere in the middle, he’d reached out and twined his fingers with Claude’s as he told his story. Talked about a past he spoke of exactly never. The warmth of his hand against Sylvain’s is solid, grounding and he hopes it feels the same for the other man as they walk and he talks.

It fills in a lot of missing pieces. Oh, Sylvain had assumed a great deal of this by now - not the finer details, but they had far too much in common for him to not pick up that Claude understood him on a deeper level than most. An understanding that only came from experience, in his opinion. And there were hints, if you knew where to look. In what Claude had said. In what he hadn’t.

He commits the mention of Claude’s brother, the man’s name, to memory as he glances over and searches his face, waiting patiently for his answer. Letting Claude pick and choose what he was comfortable telling him. ]

Sort of since that was more like whenever we crossed paths as we weren't close. Same for with the rest of our siblings since none of us are close as collateral damage thanks to inheritance always looming over everything.

[ Something he's neglected to explain in any of that, though he has to wonder if Sylvain's picked up on it. Along with everything else he clearly has when a familiar hand had slipped into his while speaking, and Claude hadn't hesitated in holding onto that warm grasp. A comfort, just as it's always been when they've reached for one another out of this reason or that one, and more so now while letting some of his masks fall away as it quiets some of the vulnerability he so dislikes showing on any given day.

There's further explanations which await first given that they're what he truly meant to explain. While he's told Sylvain slivers of it at other times, perhaps it'll give them the context behind it that wasn't there before when he'd intentionally withheld it. ]

It was more than just that, though, and it wasn't limited to my siblings alone though they certainly didn't make anything easier for me. Friends were in rather short supply for me as a kid so I learned to cover up weaknesses and keep them hidden. I made sure I was always a step or five ahead of everyone else, and part of that was making sure almost no one ever knew what I was thinking.

Rest of…? Just how many siblings do you have?

[ He blinks a little, because that’s a lot of family Claude’s never once spoken of. Then again, if they were all more his enemies than his siblings, he could understand. One Miklan had been plenty all on his own, after all.

The rest of that, however, was something Sylvain had already put together, just from watching him over the years. Especially the most recent few. He gives Claude’s hand a faint squeeze. ]

At least you were uniquely equipped to be tossed head first into the Dukedom and all the Alliance’s politics, then, with that sort of mindset. Over-equipped, I would guess. At least you did find friends there.

[ He hadn’t missed the mention of that inheritance, but he’s not sure if Claude is referring to the Duke or something else entirely. Was this a Crest thing? Something else? ]

Several.

[ It's not exactly a satisfying answer to a valid question for Sylvain to ask, but it ties into what's not yet revealed rather than being something he's dodging. Something they're getting closer to than they've ever been before in circles around this or that but ones which never touch upon things they both brush away, and the urge for Claude to simply spit it out as he'd done with Hilda is getting louder as the best course of action to take. The squeeze to his hand is returned with one right back, that quiet bit of support and comfort very much appreciated even as a wry smile crosses his face at what comes next. ]

I don't think anything could've prepared me for Fodlan even with what my mother told me, but you're right that it was far from the first difficult situation I had to untangle.

[ Which leads to where he wants to go next in the conversation rather well, and Claude stops walking to look at Sylvain with his full attention. ]

My mother is Tiana von Riegan. She left the Alliance to marry my father - the king of Almyra.

[ What a vague answer. Careful, Claude, he'll start making up numbers here to fill in the blanks. There's no way that can go well.

He doesn't miss that Claude specifies 'Fodlan'. Not the Alliance. Which already has his steps slowing, because he'd suspected something of the sort for a while now, but this is the first time Claude is confirming it aloud.

And then the man fills in the rest of it and it takes a moment to sink in. Two, even. And then he trips over his own feet to blink at Claude with wide eyes. ]

The king of Almyra?!

[ If asked, Claude couldn't have said what Sylvain's reaction would be. There were simply too many possibilities and though he'd considered all of them in turn, the one the other man chooses is more than enough to bring amusement he doesn't bother to hide to his face. Even more so at the small stumble when he can practically see realization set in full force, and that deserves a small laugh. ]

Well, my mother will be pleased to find out where she disappeared to is as mysterious as ever to everyone. And I suppose this makes me two for two in that particular reaction to it all.

[ Hilda's disbelief had been even more expressive - understandably so, and Claude doesn't think this is the end of Sylvain's either. It's enough to relax his shoulders a bit from that (very) small wait brought about, and he tilts his head while contemplating Sylvain carefully beneath the smile now on his own face. ]

Succession works a little differently in Almyra than what you know it as, [ that being the only reference to Dimitri he's willing to make, ] so don't get too excited about the title I know you're picturing for me.

Look, I kinda guessed the Almyra part, but the fucking king?! How in the Goddess' name did you ever think running around Fodlan - as a teenager - on your own was a good idea?!

[ Oh Goddess. Claude had literally been a disaster waiting to happen since the day he'd met him. A literal walking international incident.

And then the rest of that sunk in and he groans as he scrapes a hand over his face. ]

Oh, fuck me, I've been fucking royalty for a year and a half.

[ And there it is. ]

Secret royalty. Don't forget the important part of that thought.

[ Or the only important part as far as Claude's concerned, seeing as how it makes no different to him either way. The same can't be said for Sylvain it seems and now he's absolute not hiding clear mirth when the other man runs a hand down his face. The expression on his face isn't quite a smile, but it's pretty close. ]

And wait a minute, just a few seconds ago you said wherever I grew up prepared me for this! [ He's not done nearly avoiding laughter even as he waves a hand in a supposedly exasperated gesture. ] Running's a bit of an exaggeration considering I flew there to meet up with Judith and then had a long ride from Daphnel by horse. Not nearly as fun as being left to my own devices, if you ask me.

Oh, of course, Your Highness. How could I forget that part?

[ That retort is equal sass and exasperation, although there is definitely a hint of a smirk playing at the corner of his lips, because he can’t not, not when he sees the laughter in Claude’s eyes. He might not be outwardly showing it much, but Sylvain’s pretty sure he’s become an expert at interpreting Claude von Riegan by now. ]

Being prepared for backstabbing political plots is one thing. Venturing all over Fodlan with people unaware of who they’re protecting and how important that is… that’s something different.

[ Then again, he’d been trained since birth for the role of protector to the young regent, the literal shield between Dimitri and danger. It was absolutely expected and accepted that he would lay down his own life before ever letting harm come to his prince.

Not that he’d been very good at that role, but the mindset was still there.

He jabs a playful finger in Claude’s direction all the same, amusement glinting briefly in amber eyes. ]

That’s it, I’m putting my foot down. You are now officially forbidden from getting anymore new holes in you. The end.

[ That gets his expression to flatten into one of disgust almost instantaneously. ]

I think I liked it better when the only title you had to threaten me with was Your Grace, not that I enjoy that one either.

[ Just so they're clear on that - not that he expects Sylvain to abide by it in the least. Claude's well aware he's just handed the other man something he's not going to let go of when it comes to teasing any time soon. If ever. The latter gets a roll of his eyes even as he's absently tracing a thumb back and forth over the back of Sylvain's hand. It's a familiar refrain even if it comes with new importance behind it (to Sylvain, anyway). ]

You're a little late to that particular threat given that there's no end to me gaining holes in me in the past or present.

[ Claude doesn't expect that to offer any comfort, reassurance, or anything in between. But - it does tie into a concern he'd had about bringing this up to Sylvain that'd come to light at the mention of royalty and wherever he has a feeling the other's mind is taking it in a possible shift. It's enough to pause in countering with banter to peer a little more seriously at someone who's quick to call point out he wasn't a very good knight but who's quick to summon some of that training forward, knowingly or not. ]

I can handle myself, and someone being only a protector out of some sense of duty isn't what I want.

[ That has a slight frown slipping onto Sylvain’s lips as he glances over at Claude, taking a moment to follow that trail of logic.

Then he just gives a derisive snort as he arches an eyebrow and gives the man a look that has all the playful haughty air of Lorenz at his absolute worst. ]

In case you’ve forgotten, I’m Faerghan. Pretty sure I have zero duty when it comes to you, other than making sure you’re not a threat. Not that it matters since we’re not even in Fodlan anymore. But in case you need me to make that clearer, you’re still not my prince, so you don’t have to worry about that.

[ Then he flicks a fingertip against Claude’s forehead, letting the arrogant show slip away into an impish grin. ]

As your lover, however, you’re still not allowed to get any new holes in you or you’ll be sleeping on the couch. Royal ass or not.

[ That's mostly an answer to what he was mostly asking without outright asking, but for once Claude decides he doesn't care about getting to the specifics of it. The eye roll this time is entirely genuine and with nothing else behind it, though he immediately reaches up to swat Sylvain's hand away just as playfully when he's flicked. ]

Yeah, yeah. Trust me when I say your Faerghan-ness is always noticeable. [ He's teasing. Mostly. Enough to keep walking after tugging on the other man's hand to keep them moving towards wherever they're supposed to be going as he'd temporarily forgotten about that letter still in his bag. ] And why exactly would I be sleeping on the couch at that point? I still have a perfectly good bed that you're well acquainted with at this point and if anything, I'm ending up there.

[ This is, of course, said like Sylvain's just suggested sleeping out in the desert instead of their perfectly nice couch he's napped on a time or two. ]

You forget, I saw the state of your bed this morning. Not even you can sleep in that right now. [ Luckily Claude's been in Sylvain's bed for at least the last two or three nights now. He supposes the other man could get away with that. Temporarily, at least. ] Your library exploded again, did it? I'm pretty sure moving heavy books around is not advisable when you're sporting new holes and not supposed to tear out any stitches.

[ As if the part-time healer beside him would ever let a wound ever go unhealed if it was to the point of needing something as barbaric as stitches. ]

[ CLOSED ] into an ocean

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)