Who: wanda maximoff + others When: march Where: solvunn & horizon What: catch-all for the month! general top-levels for solvunn, horizon threads for out-of-territory friends (and new meetings). Warnings: tba!
( she says softly, as if trying to convince herself too of this notion. worst things could happen, but at least they can be together despite the closed borders.
there's plenty that she worries about, especially in regard to the politics of this place. but— that's neither here nor there.
wanda presses a kiss to his shoulder, draws closer. )
I can see that you're working hard on that. It shows. ( that he is better ) And I'll always be here for you, even if it's not actually in person. For anything you need—the good or bad.
( and maybe one day he'll open up to her about his feelings, about what happened back home that put him in such a low state of mind. )
( and he doesn't doubt it either. it's just sometimes that he feels it would be safer for him to not be loved or liked or even known by people. it would save so much trouble but he knows that convincing people of that is harder than it seems.
and matt knows that she can take care of herself, power upon power instilled in her body but he still worries. he just doesn't want to do anything to harm her.
he smiles, settling down a little and rolling on his side to better see her. )
( and despite him telling her that he knows, that he loves her entirely, too, she can't help but catch glimpses of his thoughts. of his thinking that the world would be better off if matthew murdock were separate from everyone—give no one grief nor reason to worry about him.
it's a complicated space to be in, and wanda can't say she's ever not thought the same. that life would be so much better for everyone if she wasn't in it, to make things more difficult for everyone.
but they're both here, now, and for better or worse, people want them around, outside of just the two of them and the feelings they hold. )
Tell me.
( she ushers, gently, quietly, fingers a light touch over his cheek as he settles; his eyes never manage to focus on her, though wanda knows he tries. it feels like there's something he wants to say. )
( there are, in fact, so many questions she could ask him. so many things she's been curious about—could just pluck out of his mind if she had wanted to, but understands just how important it all is to him for it to make him feel the way it has for this long.
and he's taking a big leap, in trusting her with this ugly part of his life.
somehow, still, only one question comes to the forefront of her mind right now. )
Are you mourning someone?
( she feels it so clearly, that void and that pain, of having lost someone he loved very much. elektra, her mind supplies, like it's the crux of many defining moments in matt's life. )
( that isn't the first question he expects her to ask but it's out there now. and he said he'd talk. he can't take it back now.
he slides his tongue against his teeth. )
I guess I am.
( yes. )
I thought I was going to die with her in Midland Circle. I was prepared for it but she died. I survived. I don't know why. She was...the first person I ever really loved.
( the words he says to describe elektra don't bring jealousy or resentment to her. they've met in moments of their lives when they had lost so much and so many people, and perhaps that is one of the reasons why they understand each other now.
to have found love after the first love was deemed lost.
wanda sits up, but scoots even closer to matt, hunching over to wrap her arms around him. she kisses the side of his head, and lingers there hoping to give him the company he might need while revisiting these painful memories. )
I'm sorry you lost her.
( ain't it all just survivor's guilt in the end? )
( if anything, he thinks should have died with her. that was the plan. he hadn't wanted her to be alone and now, with her gone, he doesn't know why he'd been allowed to survive. )
Her name was Elektra. And I wanted to save her like...like she saved me.
( conversations like these make wanda believe that they are not so different, him and her, about how instrumental love and death are in their lives and in the decisions that they make. )
Do you want to talk about her?
( and it's not about comparing herself to women he had once loved, so there's nothing but wanting to give him the room to express himself if he wants to. )
I met her when I was in college. And I thought...I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with her.
( he'd been stupid and in love, unable to see past that. matt sighs and closes his eyes, mind drifting back to those days. he clenches his eyes tighter. )
She made me feel...alive. And then she, uh, she found the people that killed my father. Brought him to me and I...tortured the man. Almost killed him. She wanted me to kill him.
( those are big words for someone like matt, whom wanda understands wants to keep people away from himself because he doesn't consider himself worthy of them. she smooths her hand over the creases of his brow, when he closes his eyes, finding the tension there gives way to the memories that she can just about touch with her own telepathy.
long, dark hair; a strong jaw, a dangerous smile. elektra feels like the exact kind of jumpstart matt would need to get himself to feel like living. especially when he was unsure of his place in the world. )
matt shifts a little, shrugging. it wasn't the end but it was the end of it that time. he'd walked out of that house and the man had died anyway. good riddance but it hadn't been by matt's hand like elektra had wanted it to be. )
( to feel like he had found the missing puzzle piece in his life only for the realization that he didn't want it, not in the way that she presented it to him—to kill and to take revenge for what was done to his father.
matt's always so kept to himself, wanda is suddenly quite aware that there are so many things she didn't know about him.
she bends over again, presses a kiss to his brow, pulling back enough for her hair to tickle lightly over his face. )
( he's trying to parse through so much of what he 'remembered', was forced to live in a dream. the consequences, emotional and physical, like a plunge into ice cold water without any warning. )
—Matt, you don't have to convince my about the type of man you are.
( because in the end, he is man, human, just like the rest of them. he will err now and then, but has the complex quality of choosing right in the end. whatever happened between him and elektra, whatever he may have felt—
she holds onto his hand. )
I know you. And no matter how you acted or what you did with her, you loved Elektra. I'm sorry she's gone. I'm sorry you couldn't save her.
( wanda can tell that he can't even parse through his reasons. the event—the loss—must have triggered that response and made it difficult for him to conceive remaining as matt murdock if he couldn't even save those he loved. )
It'd hurt less if you weren't that person anymore.
( if he stripped himself of his humanity, he wouldn't have to feel. )
( all this time, matt has worried about how he is a thorn on everyone's side. is it because his mother abandoned him when he was a baby? is it because his father chose to die and give his son a chance at life instead of being there with him?
solitude can do horrible things to a person's self worth, and wanda figures that he—despite the mask he wears around others—feels more helpless than he lets himself appear.
wanda rests a hand on his chest, rubs gently— )
You met me at my rock bottom. My life's only been improving since I've met you.
( —and rests on the necklace she's given him before. )
You could never be a bad thing for me. Hold onto that.
( she wonders how much of what he's saying right now is influenced by the fact that he lost elektra—the first he ever really loved—and finds himself now in a similar spectrum of love with wanda. it feels a little complicated but equally simple, too. )
You won't lose me.
( the words are said quietly but with so much earnestness. she leans in, presses a kiss to his lips; a hand presses against his jawline. )
( sitting up, wanda drags his hands along with her movements, holding them close. )
End of the day, I want you to remember—Matthew Murdock, Daredevil, whatever you want to call yourself—I'll always love you.
( she pushes a hand onto his chest, rubbing lightly, warming him up a touch. )
We won't have to worry a thing with this love we have for one another. ( now, wanda lifts his hand, presses a kiss to his knuckles. ) I promise you as much.
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( thanks, nocwich. )
Trying to just...be better.
( at everything. )
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( she says softly, as if trying to convince herself too of this notion. worst things could happen, but at least they can be together despite the closed borders.
there's plenty that she worries about, especially in regard to the politics of this place. but— that's neither here nor there.
wanda presses a kiss to his shoulder, draws closer. )
I can see that you're working hard on that. It shows. ( that he is better ) And I'll always be here for you, even if it's not actually in person. For anything you need—the good or bad.
( and maybe one day he'll open up to her about his feelings, about what happened back home that put him in such a low state of mind. )
I love all of you, Matt.
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( and he doesn't doubt it either. it's just sometimes that he feels it would be safer for him to not be loved or liked or even known by people. it would save so much trouble but he knows that convincing people of that is harder than it seems.
and matt knows that she can take care of herself, power upon power instilled in her body but he still worries. he just doesn't want to do anything to harm her.
he smiles, settling down a little and rolling on his side to better see her. )
I love all of you too.
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it's a complicated space to be in, and wanda can't say she's ever not thought the same. that life would be so much better for everyone if she wasn't in it, to make things more difficult for everyone.
but they're both here, now, and for better or worse, people want them around, outside of just the two of them and the feelings they hold. )
Tell me.
( she ushers, gently, quietly, fingers a light touch over his cheek as he settles; his eyes never manage to focus on her, though wanda knows he tries. it feels like there's something he wants to say. )
Nothing you do or say could ever hurt me.
( not when she knows he loves her completely. )
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( okay. he takes a slow breath and rubs a hand over his face, trying to figure out where to start, what to tell her, where to even begin.
but, he's kept this from her for so long already. he needs to be honest. )
I don't — tell me what you want to know. Ask me a question. I just need...a place to start.
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and he's taking a big leap, in trusting her with this ugly part of his life.
somehow, still, only one question comes to the forefront of her mind right now. )
Are you mourning someone?
( she feels it so clearly, that void and that pain, of having lost someone he loved very much. elektra, her mind supplies, like it's the crux of many defining moments in matt's life. )
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he slides his tongue against his teeth. )
I guess I am.
( yes. )
I thought I was going to die with her in Midland Circle. I was prepared for it but she died. I survived. I don't know why. She was...the first person I ever really loved.
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to have found love after the first love was deemed lost.
wanda sits up, but scoots even closer to matt, hunching over to wrap her arms around him. she kisses the side of his head, and lingers there hoping to give him the company he might need while revisiting these painful memories. )
I'm sorry you lost her.
( ain't it all just survivor's guilt in the end? )
Do you blame yourself?
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( if anything, he thinks should have died with her. that was the plan. he hadn't wanted her to be alone and now, with her gone, he doesn't know why he'd been allowed to survive. )
Her name was Elektra. And I wanted to save her like...like she saved me.
( and then when she'd ruined him. )
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Do you want to talk about her?
( and it's not about comparing herself to women he had once loved, so there's nothing but wanting to give him the room to express himself if he wants to. )
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( he'd been stupid and in love, unable to see past that. matt sighs and closes his eyes, mind drifting back to those days. he clenches his eyes tighter. )
She made me feel...alive. And then she, uh, she found the people that killed my father. Brought him to me and I...tortured the man. Almost killed him. She wanted me to kill him.
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long, dark hair; a strong jaw, a dangerous smile. elektra feels like the exact kind of jumpstart matt would need to get himself to feel like living. especially when he was unsure of his place in the world. )
What happened, then?
( go on. )
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( basically.
matt shifts a little, shrugging. it wasn't the end but it was the end of it that time. he'd walked out of that house and the man had died anyway. good riddance but it hadn't been by matt's hand like elektra had wanted it to be. )
Until she turned up later.
( and dredged up all those old feelings of his. )
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matt's always so kept to himself, wanda is suddenly quite aware that there are so many things she didn't know about him.
she bends over again, presses a kiss to his brow, pulling back enough for her hair to tickle lightly over his face. )
Did she know about you and your enhanced senses?
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( kill. she wanted him to be a killer. )
It's just not who I am. It's not what I do.
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—Matt, you don't have to convince my about the type of man you are.
( because in the end, he is man, human, just like the rest of them. he will err now and then, but has the complex quality of choosing right in the end. whatever happened between him and elektra, whatever he may have felt—
she holds onto his hand. )
I know you. And no matter how you acted or what you did with her, you loved Elektra. I'm sorry she's gone. I'm sorry you couldn't save her.
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( he takes a breath and then let's it go, shaking his head. )
I didn't feel like me anymore. I felt like Matt Murdock died. I left him behind. Because...
( he doesn't even know his reasons at this point. )
I just didn't think I wanted to be him anymore.
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It'd hurt less if you weren't that person anymore.
( if he stripped himself of his humanity, he wouldn't have to feel. )
And now?
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( he trails off for a moment and blinks, trying to focus his eyes while he thinks. )
Now, I'm trying to be comfortable being Matt. To not thinking he is going to...wreck your life.
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solitude can do horrible things to a person's self worth, and wanda figures that he—despite the mask he wears around others—feels more helpless than he lets himself appear.
wanda rests a hand on his chest, rubs gently— )
You met me at my rock bottom. My life's only been improving since I've met you.
( —and rests on the necklace she's given him before. )
You could never be a bad thing for me. Hold onto that.
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( well. )
I'm trying to do that, I promise. You're one of the best things I've ever had, Wanda. One of the best things and I don't want to lose that.
( ever. )
I don't wanna lose you.
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You won't lose me.
( the words are said quietly but with so much earnestness. she leans in, presses a kiss to his lips; a hand presses against his jawline. )
Does it scare you to think you might?
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( he worries about it every day of his life even if she constantly reassure him that it's not going to happen. )
I can't help it. I just...worry.
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End of the day, I want you to remember—Matthew Murdock, Daredevil, whatever you want to call yourself—I'll always love you.
( she pushes a hand onto his chest, rubbing lightly, warming him up a touch. )
We won't have to worry a thing with this love we have for one another. ( now, wanda lifts his hand, presses a kiss to his knuckles. ) I promise you as much.
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( his voice is light, quiet. awed, almost. knowing something in your heart and hearing it as a reassurance are two things he apparently really needed.
matt sighs and closes his eyes, bringing his face close to hers. )
I'll always love you too.
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