abraxaslogs | When I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time

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When I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time

WHO: Istredd and some people!
WHAT: Istredd is held with Kyle in the dungeons for a bit and questioned, and then let out.
WHERE: Imprisoned and then back out in Thorne
WHEN: July
WARNINGS: Nothing!

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[ she knows he is waiting for her, his own presence a familiar feeling for her in this place. for years, this cave had been their escape, her only escape, and istredd was as much a part of that as the very chaos in the air around them. yennefer remembers distinctly, exactly, how it had felt the first time she found herself down here. the first time she met him. he'd been a harbinger, a herald, even, of what was to come - of her change, her transition, of who she is today.

but instead of the confident, very nearly cocky version he'd been at the time, now she watches him sit bent over against one of the stones. watches as her own memories layer over him - the years, decades, lifetimes, lives that have gone by. and it is those memories she sees first when he lifts his head to her, as he mentions how he'd help fix the warding of the very walls that held him, and yennefer frowns. she hates this, hates it even more at his mention of the pit, of the fate that waits for him in his dreams, in their sphere, and how she's reminded there's very little she can do about it, if anything at all.

the frown grows, her brows knitted, but she does not stop until she is standing just above him. until he reaches out, palms up, towards her. it is true, his stay had been fairly boring and uneventful compared to her fears, but that feeling that more is to come won't quite leave her.

even so, and even as yennefer stares at the outstretched palm for a moment or two like she is actually having to consider her actions, it doesn't take her very long before she lets out a long breath and takes his hand, squeezing it gently as she steps closer to him. ]

I'm still angry with you. [ she says, though her tone betrays her. some part of her is, though that part seems to shrink with every passing moment as she lets out an exhausted sigh and drops to settle next to him on the carpeted stone floor. ] But it's time you did recognize that. [ about how wretched his life is without her, which is a somewhat poor attempt at a joke. her eyes scan his features, even though she's fully aware he would easily hide anything she might be searching for.

after as moment or two she does give up, shaking her head. ] So it was just for show, then? Some political posturing that Sidwell isn't as wretched as his niece?

[ It is funny to think now of how much he wanted to appear knowledgeable and powerful to her then, how he desired her attention and respect from the moment he set eyes on her. It was as if his very heart moved from the moment she spoke and his ears heard her, and then she was there, physically, and he felt an unreasonable amount of relief. Because she was meant to be there, with him. That is how he used to see it, as the romantic fool that she accused him of being. It's probably because Istredd's axis turns on Yennefer's whim. It's only grown more true in Thorne.

It has been truly miserable without her, but more so the knowledge that they'll never be together again the same way. They'll be able to meet in Nocwich and in Nott and he will take any time he can to be in her arms again, that's forever a promise, but there was something he became so comfortable with about living down the hall from her. He grew complacent. They saw each other daily, they were in each other's pockets as teachers and mages, and he grew spoiled with it. If he didn't already have a dozen reasons to despise Sidwell, this is top of his list of reasons. ]

I truly don't know. One of the Summoned did try to rescue us, which could have gone poorly, but he didn't know what he was doing.

[ Dion went in expecting to be able to use his magic to break them out. He learned quickly how wrong he was in the reality of the situation. Istredd and Kyle both appreciated the effort if very much did not want the actions to be taken. It would have been a different story if they were sentenced to anything. ]

Neither one of us had strong ties to the throne, outside of working with them. I think Sidwell found us boring in reality, and the message arresting us made ultimately more useful.

[ Istredd would say that the threat at least was clear. He could take them at any time, and Istredd showing support at the coronation didn't make a difference, if the throne thought he was an enemy. The rest of the Summoned got that message, he thinks. They are all at Sidwell's whims right then. ]

Imagine if they symbolically had someone in hand who mattered to both crown and Summoned.

[ AKA her. Even Stephen was more like him, attached to Ambrose by education and nothing else. In the end, none of them mattered, not like she did. And she only did so she could politically have the capital to protect Ciri. Now it's Istredd's job to see if he can get an in worth that same effort.

Istredd sighs and puts an arm around her, assuming that he can and wanting to because he needs contact of some kind before he goes mad. He'll probably be going to Nocwich monthly now to see her, just in case going to Nott could have too many eyes watching. He takes her hand with his free one, running his thumb over her knuckles. ]

I can't believe I was such an idiot as to not make overtures to the Sidwells sooner. We should have seen it coming.

[ some part of yennefer remembers how suspicious she had been of him at first. how unused to the attention she'd been, how she couldn't conceptualize anyone wanting any part of the girl she had been. hadn't understood why anyone would want, or care, or even notice that piglet. tissaia had, but only so much as to give yennefer the chance to be someone else. istredd, though? he'd looked at her with bright eyes from that very first moment, and that had meant... more than yennefer is still really willing to say. in many ways, the confidence she carries with her now is due in no small part to that first meeting. their continued meetings. the way he'd wanted her when she was at her most unwanted.

and then he'd appeared in thorne, right at yennefer's lowest. when she'd been, once again, scared and in uncertain territory, desperate for an escape from where she found herself, but rather than helpless, she'd been angry, and then istredd had been summoned.

every since, he had been a kind of rock for her. a grounding force that she did not have to parse through, someone where she did not have to worry about layers, about masks, about what has and what hasn't been said. even after she'd gotten access to her chaos back, even after she had all the means to protect herself that she'd been so desperate for before, their partnership had become habit. a familiar, comfortable, welcome part of her everyday life.

and now it was gone.

yennefer hasn't had time to really think of it in terms of loss, in terms of a version of her life that is now gone, because survival had taken first priority. but seeing istredd now, his sadness and also his quiet, and knowing that this isn't real... that, if she wanted, she could manipulate this very cave and each other, because they cannot simply go down to the caves at a whim. they cannot see each other except for when permission is given.

she frowns at the mention of the jail-break, as she shifts ever so slightly to fully align herself against his side. ]

Is that how Sidwell's holding himself, then? Following whims and interests and moving on? [ she snorts, shakes her head. ] I suppose there's a reason Ellya was, supposedly, his favorite niece. [ istredd's comment is heard, and yennefer lets out a breath - a bit like a sigh, a bit like an audible roll of her eyes. yes, okay, she does understand. she gets it. her thought to stay behind had been a poor choice, and really, she is glad to be free of the castle once and for all. but that doesn't help ease whatever it is that roils in her gut now, doesn't make her feel any better knowing that there are any summoned at all still there.

istredd's arm goes around her and he takes her hand in his, and yennefer does let him, almost leans into the touch a bit as he does. she won't admit it as readily as he does, but she also needs the touch. wants his touch. her eyes are on where his thumb runs over her knuckles, her mind spinning a bit with the possibilities of what she should have done differently, what either of them could have done. ]

Would you have stopped it, even if we did? [ her brow arches a little as she glances at him, genuinely curious. ]

[ They're each other's constants and have been since they were practically children. Istredd will always think of himself as hers, that a part of him was formed so solidly because of her that she lives under his skin permanently. They were the two chosen of their mentors, the rising stars who were outsiders at the same time, and they found something beautiful in the midst of all the pain and cruelty surrounding them.

By coming here, Istredd has become what he never wanted to be. He's part of a court. He deals with royals every day and constant politics and drama. He is a figurehead with the Summoned and puts in effort to look after others, to put their lives and needs before his own. It's a far cry from the archaeologist who forged his own path and spent every day of his life solitary and focused on his curiosities. He cares deeply for the Summoned but he misses the freedom associated with his life before. There was so much less weighing him down.

Yennefer shared the load and they worked well together. If he hadn't been taken by Vilgefortz, he knows he would have stayed with the survivors with her and helped redo the mages too. But for all the logical reasons that he is going to miss her counsel, the gut feeling he has is dismay at losing her in general. He doesn't want space between them. ]

I don't think he's anything like Ellya. He is very shrewd and purposeful. I think he's been planning this for quite some time. Probably around the time of Libertas.

[ Which is not a great deal of time, but enough to start putting things in motion, certainly. She proved unstable and it was not a wise military act. Sidwell needed time and reasons to convince people to his side over his childless niece. Istredd's impressed, to be truthful, in a general sort of way.

But Yennefer's question is an interesting one and he considers before responding. He kisses her knuckles, one at a time, as he runs it through his mind as different options. Ellya staying. There are ups and downs of each option. He's been thinking about this for a long time because members of the Summoned have talked about a coup as well. ]

I think he's more dangerous for the world at large. Any chance at peace he's squashed. He means to dominate the other territories. I don't have a sense for any of his opinions about us or the Singularity, so he's a harder read.

[ So would he stop it? Probably. The danger you know and live with, like Ellya, could be better than the other potential. ]

[ constants, that she supposes some part of her should prepared to see the end of. yennefer had very little in her life that she ever kept, so little she allowed herself, knowing that some day it would be stripped from her. she should have planned for this day, had something built and prepared for when it all came tumbling down. should have had a plan to take those with her, when their time came.

instead, she watches istredd and knows the corner he finds himself. knows the responsibility he takes for himself, alone, no matter who else he might be among in the castle. it feels familiar, somehow, knowing there are other summoned and other people and yet here, in this space and with him, they all fall away. his lips press to her knuckles and she can only watch him as he does, tries to memorize the lines of his face, remembers who they had once been and all that they have traversed to be here. ]

They're all the same, to some degree. Royals. [ it's an attempt at humor, a kind of sharp, judgemental, familiar tone. it's meant to hide her real worry, her distrust of the entire ordeal and whatever calm istredd might be finding for himself there. she knows he isn't stupid, as much as she might argue otherwise, but-

gods. it's hard to even imagine him down there. hard to imagine that this is any place that might have found themselves. she watches as his mind works, knowing that the question would be one he would have to consider, and with his answer she finds herself humming. ]

It's hard to imagine anyone on this continent ignoring us, or the Singularity, considering recent events. [ a beat, a moment where yennefer considers all the questions she's wanted to ask, but had been too angry to voice, before she lets out another breath. ] And what of his wife?

You would know. I escaped a life at court. [ Istredd kisses her palm. ] At a very high cost, but all the same.

[ He means her, of course. He planned on going to a court to be with her, against all of his own interests and desires. Something he would have probably grown to resent, thus why they were unlikely to make it as young mages moving up in the world. At the time, as a romantic fool, he couldn't fathom that, but they know it now. It took coming here for the two of them to be able to be the team they probably always should have been. Life has twists and turns, and they've adapted as best they can.

These are the only royals he's truly dealt with and he loathes them, honestly. The ones before, the ones now. Istredd hopes that there are, somewhere, decent enough royalty, but he doubts their sphere or this one is capable of popping them out. Dark worlds with a lot of trouble doesn't pop out a lot of good people in general. Only those who find a way to survive.

He's in a sad mood and his mind is going to that sadness. She's right in front of him and he still misses her. He reaches out to stroke her hair, dark strands between his fingers. Their bond still works in Nott so she'll be able to reach out if she needs him, but he won't be able to come running the same way. He'll have to trust Stephen and Thancred to do that. ]

They have yet to use the Summoning spell without Ambrose. I'm very concerned about that.

[ Ambrose was already stupid and reckless and Istredd is positive the spell is bad for this world, as he's been saying almost from the start of coming here. The concept of the spell is foolish. But now with the book gone, he's positive Thorne will keep attempting anyway, and possibly get it wrong. He is not looking forward to whatever comes from this. Hopefully nothing serious. If Mace has been watching him all this time, perhaps he's copied the spell accurately. ]

The people like her, she shows concern and interest in the poor and common citizens. A good contrast to a stern military king. She helped kill the King so I assume she's as bloodthirsty as he is.

Did you? Because you're still wrapped up in it from where I'm sitting- and it feels a lot like my doing.

[ again, is what she doesn't say. again is what she feels. and yes, she knows istredd has made his own decisions. has brought himself to his own places of his own free will. it's selfish of her to feel like she is the only reason he has ended up where he has. istredd has made his own choices that have brought him to his own places, he chose his own paths. but in the face of it all, in the shadow of it all, she feels it curl in her gut.

it doesn't help that she can feel the sadness in him, knows that for all that he tells her things are fine, that he will be fine (because they always are, in the end. they have to be) he still carries that dark sadness in him.

his fingers move to her hair, fiddling with curls, with the dark locks, and yennefer shifts - settling more firmly, comfortly, against him. its her way of encouraging it, hungry for the physical touch of him even when she knows this is all just the illusion. ]

Ambrose left with that knowledge, then. Or some version of it. I doubt it'll be that way forever, he had too many mages in audience each Summoning for it to be secret for much longer.

[ part of her thinks that if she could just track down ambrose and destroy the book, maybe that would save them all some heartache. but she knows it wouldn't be that simple, knows the consequences would continue to spiral outward from there. but it doesn't stop her from wanting. doesn't stop her from needing some kind of outlet, somewhere. ]

From what I've heard, she's the one who did the late king in. Though she's got her own pet mage who I'm sure was a large part of it.

I did it for you to start, but I've made this as much my own choice.

[ Istredd hated courts but he did play the game for her when he first got here. He followed her instructions, did as she suggested, became a teacher, provided support for her. That was even before they reunited romantically. He got involved in Thorne to be the partner she needed, but eventually it was his own actions that led him here. He became a central point of contact for the Summoned. He helped Rhy with the parties which put him in the court's view and his research with Ambrose made him valuable to the mage.

This is the path he chose, something he has been weighted down by more frequently lately, but it isn't on her shoulders. He's had his opportunities to walk away or to take a step back. And he chose to stay while pushing her to leave. There's no one to blame for the situation they're in now but the Sidwells. Who he has to live with and around now, resenting every breath that they take in. Istredd was never a fan of the past royals, but he thinks he prefers them. The Sidwells are too smart. They're dangerous. ]

I'm sure they have a version. Their pet mage is in charge now, I doubt they'd do that if they didn't have the spell down.

[ It would be stupid to make that mistake and they are not that. He sighs and looks at her, reaching out to touch her face, pull her in closer to him. ]

I miss you. I'm pathetic. [ Istredd smiles faintly at her. ] I got too spoiled with you nearby at all times.

[ He's saying out loud what he already knows to be true. It's not logical for him to feel like a part of himself has broken away but that is the truth of living without her nearby. For two years they had the kind of relationship that he used to dream about when they were young, that's all. He has to remind himself that romantic dreams don't always work out. Or at the least, it will until they get that future they saw for themselves, when they could be everything.

He cups her face in his hands and draws her into a kiss. It is long and lingering and building in passion because the next time he gets one won't be promised for tomorrow or the day after. Her taste, her smell, it'll all be out of his system in the castle before long, and he'll have other avenues to get it again but he's being petty about that detail. ]

I love you with all of my heart, Yenna. You know that, yes? There is nothing I wouldn't do for you.

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When I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time

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