abraxaslogs | [open] july catchall

I do have very pleasing extremities.

[ He manages a playful grin in spite of the overall mood of this hurried meeting, and lets his arms slide around Viktor's waist to pull him closer in case he tries to push away over the sly comment. His actual question goes unanswered, though, Viktor offering his own instead. Kahlil frowns slightly. Normally he'd assume Viktor was avoiding something, and immediately try drawing it out of him. But there's guilt prickling at him over the worry he's causing. ]

I don't know yet. I answered their questions. [ His frown deepens. ] It sounded like they're trying to decide if I have ties to Hayle - which I don't.

[ Not to any useful degree, at least. He skims his fingers over the back of Viktor's shirt, shaking his head. ]

This is, for me... annoying at worst. Sidwell isn't going to do anything to us, he can't afford to stir up more trouble at home. I'm surprisingly well liked around here.

[ This is all a rehash of things he has been saying since he first got locked up. Only there's a worry now that maybe this has been too much, too soon for Viktor. A month ago neither of them could have expected tensions across the factions to escalate. ]

Your face isn't so bad, either.

[There--he manages it, leaning in and raising up on his toes so that he can plant a kiss on the aforementioned not-so-bad face, right on the frown that indicates Kyle isn't buying Viktor's attempt to dodge the question. He supposes he should be glad that the news from the dungeon is good, considering, though every day without news of release feels increasingly unbearable.

He should be glad to have this, even though he's fairly certain he's about to ruin it. The more logical part of himself knows that it's not his fault, not really, and that the alternative was to die--but what else can it be, when he's the one who brought the technology into this world?

Viktor ducks his head against Kyle's chest, both out of relief for the news and guilt for what he's about to say next.]

I have to tell you something. [In the interest of being honest with each other--Viktor hasn't forgotten that promise. ] It's about the bombing.

[ Given the odd mood of this meeting the kiss takes him by surprise, playful and sweet as it is. His eyes close with a small bloom of warmth in his chest, at least one half of his worries momentarily soothed by how Viktor leans into him rather than pulling away. He presses his face against the crown on Viktor's head, placing a small kiss here and there as soft hair tickles his nose and he prepares again to ask what's wrong again, why he needed to meet so urgently. Not that he minds any of this in the meantime, clearly. In his life, for all the time spent in solitude, he's rarely craved affection and physical contact as badly as this past month since they last met in Nocwich.

He doesn't need to ask his question again, though. ]

You found something? [ His hands shift from where they've been trailing up Viktor's back to either shoulder, and he pulls away just enough so that they can look at one another. ]

Edited 2024-07-22 05:52 (UTC)

[He nods, keeping his head tilted slightly down, even as Kyle pulls back so that he can meet his eyes. There’s clearly some amount of shame here, and some amount of effort when it comes to voicing what is essentially a confession.]

I have a piece of one of the devices.

[How he got it is not necessarily important, though he’ll elaborate if Kyle asks. What’s important is the nature of said piece, and the things Viktor realized about the description of the bombing.]

I recognized the idea of it. The way it used inscribed arcana symbols.

[ Kahlil thinks that first detail is important. He doesn't particularly like the idea of another Thorne Summoned put at risk for something he could have taken care of, if not for his current imprisonment. It's a kind of agitated curiosity that he sets aside for the moment, more concerned about Viktor's behavior, his body language. ]

Like your work?

[ The Hexcore comes to mind, obviously.

There's a pause, brow pinched as he processes that, and then his expression goes neutral along with his tone. His hands remain where they rest at Viktor's shoulders, unmoving. ]

They were able to get a hold of it?

[ Somehow. He doesn't necessarily phrase it like an accusation. Viktor told him he destroyed it, but Kahlil never asked for details. He only took him at his word - which, in hindsight, was incredibly stupid of him. ]

It is my work.

[Viktor decides to rip off the bandage in one fell swoop. He thinks for a moment that he might have taken Kyle somewhere to sit, in order to let him down easy, but he's never been one to spare feelings, even if he'd desperately like to, in this situation.

Kyle doesn't sound accusatory, but Viktor knows he doesn't have the whole story. What he does know is that he expected this to happen, one way or another, and now it has. He has to explain himself. Kyle deserves that much.]

We destroyed the Hexcore, after we were finished with it. [That much is not a lie. The rest...Viktor did not necessarily fill in the details. He's reminded again, of the reason why Kyle wanted to get close to him in the first place. This would have been something he'd wanted to know, he thinks.] The government raided my laboratory, while I was in recovery. They took notes. There were precautions, in the design, things that would slow or stop them, should they try to reproduce the device. But clearly it...wasn't enough.

[This was inevitable.]

[ His brow furrows again as Viktor explains, and he's silent for a moment after he's finished. Yes, he'd warned Viktor about something like this inevitably happening - while having no clue it had already happened. And yes, he's annoyed that he's spent all this time ignorant, but right now that's a secondary issue for him - ]

They corrupted your miracle. [ His voice is soft, eyes narrowing. ] I'm so sorry, Viktor.

[ There's still a lot he doesn't know - or has forgotten that he knows about Viktor's life, but he remembers the hopes Viktor had for the Hexcore and what it might accomplish, and the wry, prideful way he'd smiled when he explained how he'd actually built it here.

He lifts his hands to cup Viktor's face, though he won't exert any pressure trying to get him to lift his head if he still won't look at him. ]

You're not responsible for whatever weapon they made. [ Those guards that died. ] You already know that, right?

[ He'd been afraid of this too. ]

Edited (small introspection adjustment) 2024-07-25 04:21 (UTC)

[His miracle. The very use of the word sends a pang through his chest. He remembers a time not so long ago where he might argue that terminology, insisting that he saved his life through his own ingenuity, but corrupted is exactly how he feels. That the government would take something so incredible and poison it in this way--he knew it would happen, but that doesn't make it hurt less. Doesn't make him less ashamed of his role in it.

And Kyle has every right to be angry about his withholding of the theft, but he isn't, and somehow that hurts too, like he's not deserving of this. Selfish, for building the Hexcore, and for indulging in physical comfort now.]

It's not...you're not the one who should be sorry.

[He's not sure he can bear the sympathy right now, no matter how much he wants it. Kyle is not the first person to tell him that he isn't responsible, but it's impossible not to feel that way. He squeezes his eyes shut, shakes his head.]

I was the only person who got any kind of good from it, and now...it's a weapon.

Edited 2024-07-27 01:19 (UTC)

[ He's sorry because this is causing Viktor pain. He's sorry because he doesn't know what to say or do to help, trapped on the other side of the continent. Viktor doesn't seem to pull away, and so he gently strokes his cheek with a calloused thumb. ]

And you shouldn't be suddenly sorry for that. For curing yourself.

[ For being the only one to get any kind of good from the hexcore. As for the weapon that was made from his plans - Kahlil can say nothing good about what happened. Men die in wars. Kahlil holds nothing personal against the Thornean guards, he likes many of them, but he would trade all of their lives if that had to be the price to save Viktor's. He only regrets that Viktor should have to feel any responsibility for how the Free Cities manipulated his miracle.

He expects none of that callousness over the loss of life is anything Viktor wants to hear, so he keeps it to himself. ]

What will you do now?

Edited 2024-07-27 04:40 (UTC)

It is arrogance to think that my life is somehow worth more than all of those guards.

[And all of the destruction that is surely to come, on top of this. Viktor knows it's not a sensible thing to say, but he's always been adamant about his convictions. He should have known better than to think he could build the Hexcore without the government's knowledge. Even his safeguards weren't enough--they puzzled it out, regardless.

He thinks of his other self, Jayce's version, the one that gave up. If something like this happened to him. The pain and guilt certainly feels great enough.

Viktor ducks his forehead into the curve of Kyle's neck, as if that's going to help him will all of this away. He supposes he should be glad, that he doesn't seem angry at Viktor, only on his behalf, but all he wants to do is apologize. To make it right, somehow, even if it's already impossible.]

I have to go to Portam Hall. [Though he doesn't know what to demand, or if it will accomplish anything. It might actively make the situation worse.] I'm not sure what I can do. But I have to try and put a stop to it.

[ It is to me, he thinks again. But he scowls, face twisting up as he insists: ]

It's human to want to live.

[ They've talked about bad choices, about harm, about this sort of judgement and guilt in the context of Kyle's past. It's no different in this instance.

As Viktor presses closer to him he lets his arms wrap around his shoulders. None of this is real, but he can still feel the heat of his breath, the movement of shoulder blades beneath fabric. Here in Horizon Kyle's skin smells like incense and pine, like the rest of his domain. He lets out a soft breath, but there's a noticeable tension across his own body. ]

Don't go alone. [ He assumes that's Viktor's instinct. But he knows he has friends who would support him, who care about him. He's glad for that, even as it bothers him that he can't do anything from here. There's another thing, though - ]

What about your other research?

[ On the Singularity. They've argued about this before, with Kahlil believing Viktor needs to keep his research in Horizon, far out of reach of anyone in Cadens. If he's going to get angry, it would be about this. ]

[There's nothing wrong with wanting to live. Kyle is right about that, but Viktor comes from a place where it would have been more convenient for everyone if he accepted his fate. Building the Hexcore--curing himself--was an act of defiance even here, and though he was allowed momentary victory, nothing is without cost. Does that mean he shouldn't have done it in the first place? Viktor isn't sure.

What he does know is that Kyle wants him here. He tries to cling to that.]

I'll ask someone. [Someone much better versed in politics than he is, like Sam or Steve. He's still not sure what he even demand--everything he's done for the Free Cities feels like insignificant leverage, now that Portam Hall has the means to break through Thornean wards.

As for the rest of it...Viktor doesn't need to remember all the minutiae of their imagined time together to know that there are right and wrong answers to this question. He swallows hard, and nods.]

It's safe. I haven't produced anything actionable in the real world, so.

[Only theory, and nothing the government would be able to use, not when they're the ones with knowledge of the ritual, and he's the one trying to reconstruct it from the ground up.]

[ Neither answer really satisfies him, though that's again at least half in part because he is stuck here for the foreseeable future - if not in a cell than trapped behind border wards. ]

Anything to do with our connection to the Singularity, the ritual itself - you will keep it all in Horizon. No notes, no nothing in the real world. [ There's a slip of anxiety in his voice. ] Promise me.

[ This is the fear he's had since Viktor first contacted him again about his abilities and passing between worlds. It's not enough for Viktor to say it's all safe right now. Maybe it's not fair, maybe he doesn't mean to leave room to lie by omission, but he's fixated on the wording all the same. ]

[Even just days ago, Viktor might have argued. He could still say what Kyle wants to hear and continue his work however he wants, regardless. But things are different now--his relationship with Kyle, and the fact that the Free Cities has cracked his notes and used them for destruction.

There's nothing he can say to this request. Everything about this makes him feel powerless.]

Okay. [Another nod, but this time defeated.] I promise.

[Another setback--another reminder that Viktor cannot make or do the things he wants to, because it's too dangerous. The risks outweigh the benefits, so he can barely do anything at all.]

I'll make it right. I have to.

[ The pain he feels for Viktor when he hears that defeat in his voice is palpable, threaded with guilt for having to lean into this wound just to get what he needs. And so the relief from that promise isn't at all immediate, though eventually the tension across his body begins to lessen. He has to trust that Viktor means it, that he understands the real danger now that the Free Cities have proven that his safeguards aren't enough to stop them from taking what they want.

He hates that Viktor had to learn this lesson.

This isn't a victory. He isn't relieved. He's afraid.

He wants to argue, to say that Viktor doesn't have to do anything. But he knows that's pointless right now. There's a short span of silence again as he continues to hold onto him, then: ]

What do you need now?

[ Right now. What can he do? ]

[It's perhaps ungenerous, to think that Kyle wouldn't understand the particular brand of devastation he's feeling right now, but the more selfish part of Viktor (the part that only wanted to live) wants to believe that this feeling is uniquely his. If he is not able to work, for fear of the government co-opting more of his theories for violent ends, then what can he do? What worth does he have?

He pulls away from Kyle slowly, not because he doesn't want the embrace, but because it's becoming increasingly unbearable, to stand here in the middle of the temple and confess his wrongdoings. Viktor knows the little room is just through a doorway, but that doesn't feel right either, so he searches for somewhere in the main room to sit.]

I don't know.

[There's nothing that can make this right that doesn't involve going back in time and redoing a crucial series of decisions. All he can do now is try and fix things, even if it seems impossible. Now that the government can break through Thorne's wards, they won't stop. Viktor can only hope it will be over quickly.]

This can't be undone.

[ He lets him go, if reluctantly, and watches his gaze pan across the open space. There are the usual cushion-pillows on the floor, along with an alcove set into the rounded walls with a stone bench - Kyle's clearly not particularly skilled or interested in furniture design, and he doesn't care if Viktor makes himself more comfortable seating options to leave behind here.

He shakes his head. ]

No. [ It can't be undone. He lowers his gaze, frowning at the stone floor. If he had full use of his abilities, he could suggest ways to at least attempt to slow down production of these new devices, all of them with stealth and violence. But he doesn't, so there's no point.

He cants his head to one side, raising both eyebrows. He starts slowly, and incredibly deadpan: ]

But you haven't blown up the whole world yet, and we're still waiting on war to officially kick off. So, there's still time to adapt. Or blow us all up, I guess. [ He gives a one shouldered shrug, a small smile at the end of that as he lifts his gaze again, his expression earnest. ]

I still have faith in you.

Edited (4 hours later ignore me) 2024-07-29 01:15 (UTC)

[Viktor settles on the little alcove, his hand brushing Kyle's as he moves away, an indication that he wants him to follow. Sitting doesn't necessarily give him more agency, in this scenario, but it does help him feel a little less scrutinized, even if all Kyle has done is support him. He sinks onto the bench, managing to look small--closer to how he appears in the real world.

He won't stop Kyle from joining him, and he understands that this is all supposed to be comforting, both in words and actions, but he still can't help but feel like he's failed.

He reaches out, again, in spite of himself.]

This is--I am everything you were afraid of.

[Even so, hearing that Kyle still believes in him--that's what he needs, even if he can't admit it.]

[ He follows a few paces behind him, hesitating after Viktor settles into place - watching him almost curl into himself makes Kyle want to reach over and pull him close again, but he's aware enough to give him some space. Instead, he remains standing to lean his back against the wall at one edge of the alcove, arms crossed over his chest.

Viktor's wrong about that last part. He's afraid of much worse things than bombs.

He shakes his head again, looking forward at the iron tree, and softly: ]

You're like John, in some ways. How he was before.

[ Before three decades spent in Basawar.

Maybe it's not the best thing to do, admitting similarities between the man you were involved with in another timeline and remain bound to in this one, and the man you're with now. But he has no experience in these matters to begin with, and nothing he's saying seems to offer much comfort anyway. ]

[Viktor doesn't take the comparison to John as an insult--he seems like a good person, from everything he knows about him. Still, he remembers again of what Kyle has beyond this world, and wonders if it hurts him, to be reminded. He manages to tell himself that Kyle isn't joining him on the bench for a reason, and pulls his good leg up, folding his arms over his knee.]

I don't know if that's good or not.

[He manages a breathy laugh, though it sort of breaks at the end. The advantage of sitting down means he feels less scrutinized, but now there's no outlet for his despair and anger. He feels it building in his chest, but instead of letting it happen he tries to stifle it, burying his face in his arms.]

[ His chest twists again as he turns his head toward him again. ]

It's not a bad thing. [ There's a tentative sort of fondness in his voice. ] I think you would get along.

[ It had been difficult when he was in Nayeshi, watching John on the other side of the Gray Space once he finally found him. Only able to watch, unless his life was in danger - no matter how badly he wished to intervene. Now, knowing how badly everything unravels - how it all ends, he regrets not acting.

But Viktor is here - or as close as they can get, not a specter behind a grey, soundless veil, and no one gives him orders now. He hesitates again, still uncertain over how much space or comfort he even wants right now, but after a moment he unfolds his arms and sits next to him. ]

I was afraid of something like this happening, yes. Because I know you've never wanted to hurt anyone. [ His brow furrows. ] I don't blame you for this.

[Viktor thinks that too, from what he's heard, and he might say as much if he wasn't so busy despairing over the loss of life wrought by his technology. There's some relief when Kyle sits next to him, and he finds himself leaning in almost automatically, a reflex. Given the opportunity, he'll tuck himself against Kyle regardless of whether or not the embrace is returned.]

I know you don't.

[Blame him for this. Viktor charts the path from his cure to this new technological development anyway, and lets out a choked sort of noise into Kyle's shoulder.]

You need to get out of prison.

[ He shifts to make room for Viktor, slipping his arm around his back as he leans into him. The sound Viktor makes feels like another cut, his shoulders stiffen for a second before he pulls him closer, forgetting his attempt to give him space. ]

I know - [ I'm sorry, he swallows back ] - I know. I will.

[ Another pause, his features twisting up as he looks over at him: ]

I wish it could be now. But they're going to let us out eventually - and if you need me there, if you need me to find a way to make it to Cadens, I will.

[ He doesn't want to leave everyone behind in Thorne, that's the whole reason he's stuck in a cell in the first place. But if Viktor tells him he needs him there, he knows that he will have to go. ]

[It's not his fault, not really. Viktor knows the reason why Kyle stayed, and he can't begrudge him, even if he selfishly wishes the prison sentence was concluded by now.]

I wouldn't ask you to do that.

[Not when he remained in Thorne explicitly to protect the other Summoned there. Perhaps uncharitably, he thinks that Kyle lost his chance to go to Cadens when he received the warning and decided to stay in Thorne, instead, but the important thing is that he's safe.

He will not remain safe if he makes an ill-planned run for Cadens. Viktor shakes his head emphatically.]

There might be a time that's right. But it's not now.

I know.

[ That he wouldn't ask. That this isn't the right time. It doesn't make him any less frustrated or useless in the moment. He sucks in a breath and holds it for a second, shaking his head when he releases it. The hand around Viktor's shoulder remains in place, not wanting to let him go just yet. ]

Please be careful.

[ Whatever he decides to do. ]

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techmaturgy - 2024-08-07 21:19 (UTC) - Expand