abraxaslogs | ( open + closed ) this world is gonna end

It's not always intentional for me either.

[ she looks down at bob cat with a small frown and rubs his ear, feeling a vague undercurrent of anxiousness, but at the same time she doesn't really feel discomfort from his question. maybe if he'd asked a month ago, or even so immediately after the illusion, it'd be different, but as she's already established, hanging out with cassian is something she simply enjoys now. ]

[ and she trusts him, even if she's still working through the leftovers from his time as her brother and what it means now, how much she still kind of wants it. it doesn't stop her from answering his question at the cat instead of the person. ]

Well. My dad explained what I was, though I was kind of on the verge of figuring it out already too. So... the monsters started finding me. [ she really was so small. ] My dad got married when I was about five. They had twins. The monsters kept coming and I got blamed for putting them in danger, so I left and eventually made my way to Camp.

[ Cassian hadn't looked away during their conversation so he sees this internal thought process play out. Watches as her gaze turns downwards to focus on Bob Cat who already seems so enamored with her despite not having spent that much time around her. The look she gives the creature is vastly different from the one from before.

There's a nervousness to it, but one a little bit different than what he'd witnessed in the Horizon several months before. Just like last time it had been directly related to the topic of her parents, leaving him wondering if he should tell her that she doesn't have to answer that if she doesn't want to. But then she answers – and he hates that his hunch had been right in some ways.

Cassian's gaze sharpens, jaw tightening at the thought of a young Annabeth, someone who was far too young to have any blame placed on her for a choice that was not hers, deciding that running away from home was the only choice she had available to her. Protectiveness turns his voice into a knife's edge. ]

They blamed you? He didn't try to take you there himself? Your mother didn't do anything to protect you?

[ annabeth glances up at his tone, finding herself surprised at it and at the look on his face. her hand stills briefly against bob cat, who lifts his head to nudge her back into petting, how dare she stop. she absently continues, drawing comfort from the purring creature in her lap. it's not that she doesn't have people who care about her, but given the topic at hand, perhaps it jars older feelings of that loneliness and her journey to find those people. ]

[ she doesn't really know what to do with his protective reaction. she supposes she forgets sometimes that not everyone knows her camp arrival story, just one more in a long line of demigod struggles. but it's not like most people know the details how of how and why she left at seven either. ]

[ given cassian's anger on her behalf, perhaps she's reminded it really was kind of awful. mostly she tries to put it behind her, but it's impossible to do so wholly when so much of that experience has played into her path to today. ]

The gods don't really... involve themselves in raising us. We're supposed to make our own way to Camp. Athena helped guide me to some other older demigods, but she didn't interfere otherwise. As for my dad... I don't think he really knew what to do with me back then. [ considering when she'd been a baby, frederick had tried send her back to athena. she pauses. ] We're working on it, now.

[ Cassian has never had children of his own but he doesn't have to to know in his gut that how her parents - both human and god - had treated her isn't right. He's only known children with hard upbringings, who had to survive by cutting their teeth instead of having any sort of normal childhood. Not being involved, not knowing what to do, thinking that having a child fend for themselves when there was and are other options, simply isn't good enough.

This only further proves to him that gods are careless. He he had been careless but that was why he had clung so desperately to humanity and desired to help them even if it was a helpless cause. They didn't deserve to suffer at the hands of those who thought themselves above consequences. Above responsibility.

In Cassian's eyes they had failed her. ]

That's not an excuse. Why have children if they aren't going to take care of them? To protect them?

[ He's sitting ram rod straight in his chair now. ]

You shouldn't have had to go through that on your own.

[ in spite of herself, annabeth's eyes well up, between what cassian says and the conviction in which he declares it. ]

[ she likes to think she's over it, insofar as she and her father have been trying again to figure out how to be father and daughter, entirely on her own terms, now that she is closer to adulthood than childhood. but that seven year old who ran away is still there, and sometimes annabeth only wants to protect her too. she had to, because it was recurrently hard to find someone else who would, someone with the consistency to never leave. everyone had. ]

[ until percy. ]

[ and, perhaps cassian. he'd had every chance after the illusion, but he's still here. given the current state of things with her mother, she's rather inclined to agree with his hostility towards divinity, but mostly she's a little overwhelmed by his support. few people tell her much she hadn't deserved any of that. ]

The Greek gods have always run around having children. We're like a bridge between the worlds. [ it continues to be easier to talk about objective facts in the nature of demigods. ] We live in the mortal world, but can touch the divine.

[ her experience in the mortal world just hadn't been great for the first half of her life. ]

I - [ she sniffles and stiffens. ] I'm not alone anymore.

[ Both Bob Cat and Cassian have similar reactions to Annabeth's sudden wave of emotion. They both still, Bob Cat's head turning towards her suddenly aware that the gentle petting he had been receiving had stopped. Seeming to realize that something is amiss he burrows into her, head butting up against her hand.

And Cassian is glad for it. It's not something he can do that would be remotely appropriate, nor is he the type anyway. He had shuttered himself to physical affection, and now it feels distant like the last time he had shown any had been in the dream.

So instead, shamefully he stays rooted to the spot, hands clenched into fists in his lap caught between his desire to do something to comfort her and the anger he feels towards her parents that he's unlikely to ever meet.

There's a beat of silence that follows what she says before he draws in a breath. Despite his indecision here, words don't fail him, reassurance woven through them that he hopes will comfort her instead. ]

You aren't. Not in your world or here.

[ bob cat's affection pulls a small laugh out of her against her will, and she looks down at him smiling, scooping the cat out of her lap to cuddle him closer. ]

[ she's fine, mostly, because sometimes her parental trauma pales in comparison to other kinds - like tartarus - but it doesn't mean the emotional wreck of her early childhood doesn't linger, doesn't infect the way she interacts with the world. it's part of why she clings so hard to the people who do come to care about her, a constant battle against her abandonment issues. it's better too though, now that she has percy, and sally, and piper, and everyone else that keeps the count going. ]

[ and cassian, who as good as tells her he's one of the number that counters the loneliness of her youth. it means more to her than she can say, which is why she won't say it. ]

I owe you an apology. [ that's what she'll blurt instead. ]

[ Cassian knows all too well that just because someone says they're fine it doesn't truly mean that. Hurt takes form in all sorts of ways, some more subtle and quiet than others. It's hard not to see how it's affected her now that he's seen it. Because their last interaction as gods, the one where she'd thrown him into the water after he had tried to tell her that it was all a dream - some of that now makes sense. What Annabeth says next draws him from his anger towards figures and circumstances that he hasn't been able to control. ]

For what?

[ There's nothing that he can recall happening between them that would warrant something like this. Not even being thrown into the water because that, somehow had felt deserving. ]

[ she will focus all her attention onto bob cat, who is currently purr-fectly content in annabeth's arms and in fact loudly purring. the kitten is very warm and very cuddly and she will take advantage of that. ]

[ she can't quite bring herself to look up at cassian, so the cat is the next best thing. she's been thinking a lot about the end of the illusion, about how it took three separate people and ultimately percy's stubborn loyalty to break her out of it - and in the face of this conversation it lingers in conjecture with how connected she feels to cassian now, and the guilt she feels about how hard she clung to it despite how much everyone tried to break her out of it, because they cared about her. ]

[ why not apologize at random, to get away from the cacophony of parental and sibling feelings stirred by her telling cassian even minutely about her past?? maybe he can even understand now, why she reacted like she had. ]

For not believing you, about that stupid illusion. For throwing you in the water, when you were trying to help me. I'm sorry.

[ Annabeth's attention solely focused on Bob Cat who has burrowed closer to her no doubt to steal her warmth doesn't escape his notice. Not that he can blame her; sometimes being able to distract yourself in some way makes it easier to gather your thoughts which can only mean that this is something important. For that he has no desire or urge to rush her.

Funnily enough, Annabeth throwing him into the water is the topic that surfaces. He'd find amusement at the irony were it not for the fact that she was being serious. Were it not for the fact that he knows she's being sincere and that this must have weighed heavily on her mind ever since they had emerged from the dream.

His confusion softens into understanding. ]

You don't have to apologize for that. We were trapped in something greater than anything we had the power to break on our own. [ There's a pause, his tone lilting a little. ] But I do appreciate the apology for being thrown into the water.

[ annabeth wrinkles her nose at the light teasing, but appreciates it none-the-less. it makes her feel better that he doesn't blame her - even if she still blames herself for her struggles in escaping. ]

It took three people to get through to me.

[ and even then, it took percy and his stubbornness. she still harbors guilt about hurting him too, even though she knows he probably isn't even thinking about it. she can't help the way she dwells on it, knowing exactly why the illusion clung to her as hard as it did. ]

[ and given what she's shared with him, perhaps cassian has a better understanding of why she reacted to him like she did. he was her brother. he told her suddenly he wasn't. ]

So. It wasn't you. It was me. [ she tries for a dry tone but it doesn't quite hit. ] Throwing you was a kind of dramatic reaction. I just - I've been wanting to say sorry. [ so there. she plucks at bob cat's ear gently. ]

[ Hearing that it had taken not one but three people to help Annabeth realize that the dream they were living was the farthest thing from their reality doesn't come as much of a surprise to him, nor does he begin to pass any sort of judgement. The magic that had held them captive there had been strong.

Nor can he blame her when the dream had mostly been a sweet one compared to the things she had experienced in her short life.

Which is why he approaches this with some levity. ]

It was a little dramatic. [ In the next breath however that levity gives way to sincerity. ] Thank you. But like I said, it's not necessary. We weren't really ourselves. What matter is you woke up in the end.

[ between catering exactly to her pride and her deepest desires to shape a world of permanence, the godly illusion really did a number on her she thinks she's still sorting through, however long ago it was. cassian might say her apology is not necessary, but annabeth certainly feels otherwise. ]

[ it's almost exactly what percy tried to reassure her - that it doesn't matter how long it took, or what she did while resisting, the most important part was she woke up. she has a hard time sitting with that, knowing the physicality of her resistance towards people very important to her. ]

It's important to me. So just let me apologize. I know it wasn't real but - [ bob cat spares her by wriggling around and readjusting himself for more pets. ]

I don't ever want to be that person.

[ The (brotherly) urge to tease her and say that she has already apologized rears, but he allows it to slip away as Bob Cat beats him to the chase in some way. He knows that there's more to her past that he isn't aware of, but they had all had their fair share of regret during their time as gods. The list of things that he had done in this imagined future feels like a stain that he can't wash himself clean of no matter how hard he tries. Apologizing, facing the things that they've done head on, isn't an easy thing to do. Little does Annabeth realize, but she's already far braver than he feels at his lowest points. ]

You won't be.

[ He shifts again, feeling the bulk of something in his pocket. Reaching in he pulls out one of Bob Cat's toys. With a sigh he tosses it onto the bed where the cat, hearing the familiar jingle of the bell twists to reach for it across the bed while still refusing to leave Annabeth's warm lap. ]

And even if you do, I get the feeling you'll have others here who will snap you out of it.

[ he's so reassured in it, in a faith in her, and it reminds her a little of percy's unshakable similar beliefs. annabeth has always been someone who simply wanted people to care about her. it always felt harder than it should have been. ]

[ it doesn't feel so hard anymore. her hubris is a constant battle, and she's not sure that will ever change given the nature of a demigod's fatal flaw, but cassian might be right about her having people here to help her. she proved she can handle herself following the mark of athena, but it doesn't mean she's alone all the time. not anymore. ]

[ she leans over and scoops the toy up for bob cat, dropping it closer so he can play with it in her lap. ]

Maybe you have a point. [ she'll tease a little though. ]

[ Cassian hopes that when he says that there will be those that will be there to snap her out of it, she understands that he counts himself among those numbers. And when she teases him back, he thinks that she does.

A quiet warmth settles around him as he watches Bob Cat play contentedly in Annabeth's lap. ]

Tomorrow then? To get supplies. We can go after your class.

[ Just because they've both skipped classes before doesn't mean that he's about to continue encouraging it. It's about balance. ]

[ something in her expression lightens unexpectedly. tomorrow, after her classes. it's a small bit of consideration that brings a quieter smile to her face. tomorrow, after class, to get supplies so she can build bob cat a tree. cassian wants her along, and he factored in her own potential schedule. ]

Sounds like a plan to me. I'll work on some ideas today then too.

[ she is definitely gonna spend some time tonight sketching up a storm. ]

( open + closed ) this world is gonna end

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