abraxaslogs | august catch-all

Gods, sometimes being here feels like we're traipsing through the Underdark again. Small favors that none of the glowing plant-life is particularly flammable. Or explosive. Or hallucinogenic...

[ He walks with Haelva down the cobbled roads, hand in hand, the eternal night sky above them for once feeling less claustrophobic.

After they met at the portals in Nocwich, Astarion led them to the one that had taken them here: Ikorr, the city of vampires. It's not the first time he's been here - he agreed to explore with a companion last month, and of course both Haelva and himself have their fading memories of some time spent in these lands over their centuries of godhood. During better times, even. Maybe that's what has made him feel the need to return to this place he'd been dreading for so long, since he first heard of it back at his arrival in Cadens. ]

( Nocwich has changed for the two of them, over time. It has always reminded her of the Underdark -- and while Haelva will admit that the Drow part of her enjoys the prospect, she's gotten so used to the sunlight that her visits here have always seemed only to brighten by the promise of spending time with Astarion. An even brighter promise, with their hearts and wants aligned for the moment. It is a gift, Haelva knows, that they are willing to build a future separate from the one the Singularity showed them. For however long they have.

Her thumb runs across the back of Astarion's hand idly as they walk, though she can't help but snort as he lists off all the deadly parts of the Underdark. Well, save one. )

With your aversion to all of the particularly fun parts of the Underdark, you should be grateful that I'm only a Bhaalspawn. Imagine if I were a scion of one of the Houses of Menzoberranzan.

Only a Bhaalspawn, she says...

[ He rolls his eyes, a ghost of a smirk playing at the corners of his lips. The teasing is quite gentle, considering how acerbic he generally is - Astarion doesn't wish to use his bloody heritage as a true barb, though. The revelation feels both ages old and fresh, somehow. He blames their vision quest.

He'll bring her hand to his lips almost idly, kissing the back of her fingers, translucent as they are now. He's grown used to the change, and doesn't flinch at their strangeness. ]

That reminds me... have you spoken to our dear Gale lately? [ He lowers their hands, frowning now. ] He's been sharing some of his past with me, how our paths have differed...

[ And the one thing he has in common with Haelva. Or, rather, what his leader has in common with her... ]

( Her face softens at the brush of his lips, her eye filled with an adoration that would have frightened her nearly a year ago. Now, though, she knows that of all people, Astarion can weather her at her worst and deserves her best.

The mention of Gale has a frown crossing her face as she shakes her head. )

Not recently. ( A confession: ) I may have soured his opinion of me by refusing to allow him to talk around his feelings. And then called him a petulant child for the fit he threw.

( In her opinion she's correct -- she'd wanted to know how he was managing after they'd all come to their senses. And he'd attempted to not talk about them, insulting her capacity to care for someone, and Haelva had... well, told him off for it. Her frown deepens, and she shakes her head. )

But I know his leader suffered as I did, though he indulged in the Urge rather than fight against it.

[ Ah. It seems she's had the same experience as he did when dealing with their wizard. Astarion purses his lips, looking down at their hands for a moment before letting out a sigh. ]

He spoke the same to me when I tried. And you know how I feel about coddling... [ he wrinkles his nose for a moment before his expression smooths out again, thoughtful ] ... but from what I could gather, his erstwhile leader did more than just indulge in his urges.

[ He pauses for a moment, almost reluctant to continue. It had taken quite a bit of work to sort out what had happened to Gale, and he's not quite sure if Haelva knows how that all ended for him - if saying so would be betraying his trust. But Astarion didn't promise to keep what he discovered a secret, so - ]

Their journey ended prematurely, it seems - down in the bowels of that mindflayer colony his leader convinced him to do what his wretched goddess demanded.

[ Sacrifice himself to destroy the Netherbrain. ]

( That Gale had not told her, and Haelva's frown deepens. No wonder Gale had reacted so poorly to her overtures -- she was hardly different from a man who asked him to blow himself up. And to be dealing with that dream future of theirs where she spend centuries as no better... Well, it certainly puts things in sharp relief for her now, doesn't it.

Haelva sighs, squeezing Astarion's hand gently. )

He had not thought to divulge that much, but now I understand much about how he regards me. He has no reason to trust me after I admitted that I suffer from the same Urge, and then spent much of our dreamed future being no better. ( Though she does scoff, with a shake of her head. ) His goddess is an insult to those who'd claim the title. I've no large quarrel with the gods besides those that keep meddling in our own affairs, but one would think that she'd not ask someone she'd taken as a lover to end his life. ( And, after another pause. ) A waste of a perfectly good Gale, as someone dear to me once said.

[ He chuckles at that reference to his own words, but there's little else in this discussion to laugh about. ]

Yes, it is one thing for the gods to be so callous to us all in general, quite another to for one to turn her back on a devoted lover. But I suppose even in that we must seem so small and disposable.

[ He spits out the words like venom, though, truthfully - he can vaguely remember believing much the same about all the mortals left in his wake. Quite frankly, he can remember thinking the same about some of his fellow gods as well. He does not particularly enjoy thinking on any of his behavior. He shakes his head. ]

He did not divulge this information to me with any particular willingness. So perhaaaps best not to mention I've told you.

( It is an opinion that Haelva agrees with, given everything that they've been through. Godhood has a way of severing one from what matters, and she can't say that she'd have been different, given her own experiences. But she wants to not follow that path, and if anything else she hopes that she's able to cling to that one thing should their ascension prove inescapable.

She lets the topic drop as Astarion shakes his head, knowing full well that their minds are dwelling in the same place -- that strange, imagined future. Everyone has seemed to accept that it's unavoidable, and so Haelva will focus on here and now in the hopes it will change that future.

At least for her and Astarion. )

What have you told me? ( Haelva says, with a sharp grin. ) It would be in his best interest to say here, then, should we find a way to return to our world. ( Because she would rather Gale be alive, even if he does not particularly like her, than dead for a man who did not understand nor appreciate him. )

[ He grins back knowingly, but even that shifts back to a more somber expression as she continues. Any alternative is better than dead, of course. However - ]

And what of you? [ Us, he means, but perhaps a lingering insecurity has him posing the question directly toward her and not a shared choice. ]

If we had the choice - which would you make?

[ To stay, or to go back. He has assumed she'd wish to return home, to finish what they started. Early on, he might've agreed. Not so much because he feels obligated to return to defend his city (though, perhaps he does), but in large part because of his other unfinished business.

Now? He's less certain of his hypothetical choice. ]

( It's a good question, and her brow furrows in thought as they walk. She does wish to go back, if only to see it all to an end. Finish what they started, and make sure that the Chosen do not get their wish. And yet there are things for her here -- the friends she's made, Astarion. Because he will not be the same if they return; the reality of that has only sunk in week by week, month by month.

Where is she, in his world? )

I-- do not know. I thought the answer was easy, before. I can't abandon the problem that only we seem capable of solving. But nor do I wish to abandon the life I have made here. ( A pause, as her eye flicks up to his, holding his gaze. ) The life we have made here.

[ He holds her gaze for that moment, his features softening at first when she speaks of a life together here, only for his expression to twist into something more harsh, a mirthless laugh escaping his lips. ]

It's always out of our hands, isn't it?

[ These choices that should be theirs to make, but are left to the whims of others - some monsters, some gods. It doesn't matter which, the end is the same. His shoulders sag a bit, the frustration on his face shifting to sorrow as he turns to look ahead. Really, they've shared too much for him to be embarrassed by his fluctuating moods anymore, but he doesn't want her to think of him as wallowing and useless over their circumstances. He sighs. ]

You will have me there, at least, if you do return. [ he reminds her, rueful. ] If only I could take his place...

And I am sick of it, Astarion.

( Because he's right. It's one of the things they have in common -- not only here but back in their own world. They are always at someone's whim, with no ability to truly pick their own path. Haelva lifts his hand to her lips, pressing a kiss to his knuckles. That they can't do anything eats at her -- what is the point of a future of becoming a god if they can't use that to change the here and now? )

I will, but he would not be you. ( He wouldn't have seen her at her worst, and yet come to her when the world was falling apart. They wouldn't have sworn to avoid such a thing in the future, together. ) If only. Thorne is full of those that research the Singularity, are they not? Perhaps someone there would know how to make it so.

( Wishful thinking, Haelva knows, but she'd rather indulge in the fantasy for now than face the fact that it will not be him when she returns. )

I wonder where I might be in your world. Dead, maybe, if Orin is Bhaal's Chosen.

[ Her lips are warm and soft against his cold, pale skin, her touch soothing. Sometimes he can't decide which is worse: to feel helpless alone, or to feel helpless with someone he loves, knowing there is so little he can do to change things for either of them. To be alone, he thinks, has to be worse - even if the fear in this is greater.

And besides, he's always been selfish (he's just trying to be less so, these days).

She mentions those in Thorne and their research. Viktor has mentioned similar goals, which, he still has very little faith in actually seeing accomplished. But his eyes narrow when she speaks about her fate in his world. He... can't deny the possibility. Or the possibility that she simply doesn't exist at all, Gale had his own terror of a companion in her place. ]

I much prefer to think she's blissfully unaware of anything happening in Baldur's Gate, perhaps enjoying the sun somewhere in Calimshan...

[ He teases again, though there's a sad note to it. ]

august catch-all

haelva; ikorr

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