abraxaslogs | [ dec / open ] what even is the point of december without christmas presents?

[The flame in Nadine's hand winks out as her attention is drawn to the fireplace, brow knotting as it resumes its former state.]

That wasn't me.

[And judging by Julie's body language, she's not exactly just passively listening. It doesn't take a genius to connect the dots. They're discussing fire magic, Nadine knows Julie is already going into this with strong opinions and an idea of magic.]

I think that pretty clearly demonstrates the difference between Academic and Wild magic. Academic magic is words and gestures and composed spells. Wild magic is...the kind you were talking about. Just reaching out and using it.

[ The flames have already subsided by the time she can even look over at them, and as obvious as it is to Nadine that Julie is able to easily harness the magic, it should be equally obvious that she has absolutely no real control over it. Technically, she doesn't even have total control of her magical hand -- Julie knows for a fact that it sometimes behaves on its own (or, more likely, subconsciously) when she's worked up in any way. She has absolutely overturned a table in the market after getting into an argument with the vendor, she's grabbed and pulled at people without meaning to, and when she was scared but exhausted at Eifstide, the hand had spent the whole night holding the wardrobe door shut while she slept.

And now, with her looking at the fireplace, Julie can't seem to take hold of the magic again. Her efforts do nothing where, only seconds ago, her certainty of her inability had grabbed it all out of thin air. ]

I don't -- it's not --

[ There's so much frustration in her voice, and she feels like a child at a desk again, struggling to make numbers work correctly on a math worksheet, being scolded for not finishing the problems before the timer went off. Angry tears prick behind her eyes, and she refuses to let them out, her nose flaring instead. ]

It's okay. You've never tried this before, you don't have to master it today. Part of learning to do something is sucking when you start. I sucked at it when I first started. Nothing happened half the time, and when it did...it was barely noticeable.

[And magic isn't something intuitive to people from their world. They haven't grown up with it, watched it done, had it be a part of their daily lives. It's natural that it's not something that comes easily.

Nadine's been at this for months and has already displayed the strongest of her own abilities. Julie's putting too heavy expectations on herself, and that's more likely to hinder her progress than anything.]

There's no pressure here. Don't try and replicate what you did - we don't even know how you did it. Try thinking about what you were feeling at that moment. Not to replicate it, just to examine the circumstances.

[ If it's not already extremely evident to Nadine, Julie does not come from a background where failure is tolerated well. Either you were immediately good at something or you stopped trying, because there wasn't money or time to waste on multiple attempts and learning curves. Even the people who should have been trying hardest to encourage her never did, because Julie was just smart and just talented enough to be self-sufficient. She didn't have the trajectory to go far, so she wasn't worth the extra effort, and she also wasn't dumb enough to require extra assistance. She has never learned how to keep trying at anything, and she doesn't know how to start now.

She makes a frustrated noise and jams the heels of her hands into her eyes, bending down to plant her elbows on her legs. ]

I felt shitty! I'm not gonna be able to do this! It's hard for someone like you, and you're ten times smarter'n I am! I can't... I'm not good at stuff, Nadine. Not like this.

[ She does not have the emotional intelligence to actually name what she is feeling as fear. Fear of failure, fear of disappointing Nadine, fear of finding out that she really is meant for nothing more than serving ale and taking care of horses. ]

Hey...

[Nadine gets up from the chair to sit beside Julie on the bed.]

It's okay. First of all....I'm not smarter than you. I just know a lot of really useless things. You're smart, Julie. There's just a lot of different ways people are 'smart'. I may be smart in academic things, but you're smart in actual life skills. You're good at a lot of things. You survived the end of the world. You survived making it to Vegas. And I'm betting that wasn't easy, either, but you did it. Because when you put your mind to something, you make it happen.

[There's compassion in her voice, and earnestness. She means every word she's saying, Julie has a hell of a brain. She just hasn't been taught to use it to full potential.]

And you're really good at people. I'm...honestly a little jealous, of how you're able to connect with people so easily. I can't do that. You're so much more than you think you are. We're always our own worst critic, but take it from me. I'm a teacher. I've spent at least a decade picking up on who has potential and who doesn't. And you have so much potential.

But this is academic stuff. These people study it their whole lives, they got special schools and shit for it. My high school counselors told me not even to take the SAT. Said it would be a waste of money anyway. If I can't pass a test that's half English, how can I do somethin' like this?

[ She looks up and scoffs, picking at the quilt on the bed. Nothing she's ever learned feels very valuable or good. Surviving the end of the world was just dumb luck, luck being immune, luck that most of the dangers and competition died out around her. Being good with people is mostly telling them what they want to hear and then doing whatever you want anyway. Be cheerful, be helpful, get yours and get out. Isn't that how all women learn to move through the world? To protect themselves from men?

It's not that she thinks Nadine is lying to her; it's more about feeling afraid to believe what she says. Afraid that, if she actually does have potential, then she has to accept that no one ever loved her enough to see it before. Afraid that, if she doesn't, they were right about her. It feels like two bad options. Is this what therapy is? This shit sucks.

She yanks up a thread, loosens a patch that she knows she'll have to stitch back up later, but she can't seem to care very much. ]

I can... I can feel it, y'know. Magic. I can feel it there, but it's like tryin' to carry water in my hand.

Well your school counselors were pieces of shit.

[Nadine doesn't often use that sort of language, or so harsh a tone, but she feels it's warranted here. What the hell kind of guidance counselor said that sort of thing to a kid? She knows it happens, but it still makes her angry. She sighs and tries to contain her personal feelings on the matter to explain better.]

One of the things we've been realizing recently is that not every kid and teenager is going to respond the same to the same teaching methods. Not everybody learns the same way. And you...your brain is fast. I'm not even making an educated guess here, I've seen how quickly you can think. I'm going to guess that not much about being in school and learning that way appealed to you? You struggled to connect with the material and didn't have anyone who could really devote one on one time to figure out how to get that connection?

[She's pretty sure she's right, at least in part. The fault isn't with Julie, the fault is in the system that let her slip through the cracks like this.]

Well, one of 'em was the gym teacher too, so. Yeah.

[ She chuckles but it's mirthless. She hadn't flunked out of school or anything, but she doesn't have a recollection of a time where she wasn't already labelled a troublemaker or a loudmouth. Grow up in a small enough town and the brands are already decided before you're out of diapers. Julie was poor white trash with drunks for parents and worse for most of the rest of her family. No one expected any better out of her, anything more than just another redneck loser who'd probably be knocked up by nineteen. She'd beat that one, at least. The last thing she wanted was a kid.

Brow furrowed, she tries to remember anything other than being ignored by the adults, all of whom seemed to have other kids more worthy of their time. ]

I remember once, I was maybe in like, third grade? Around that age. Teacher yelled at me 'cause I was readin' ahead when we did that popcorn thing, and I got lost when it was my turn. It was so fuckin' dumb, listenin' to one kid after another read one paragraph. Who even thought of that shit? Anyway, they pulled me outta class and made me sit in the hall. Gave me a big lecture about not payin' attention and how they didn't care if I failed outta school if I didn't care, blah blah. She didn't like me anyway, said I talked too much. Put it on my report card that I "needed improvement" in my behavior. I don't think my parents went to the meetin' they were supposed to have with the teacher.

[ She shrugs. It's just... it's what her life was. She never really thought it could be any different. ]

Okay. Let's break that down, when you got in trouble in third grade.

[That was the same age range Nadine herself has experience with, what she went to college for.]

You were reading ahead. You weren't ignoring the classwork, you weren't struggling with it, you weren't acting up. The only reason you weren't 'paying attention' was because the work was moving too slow for you. If anything, your teacher should have given you something more challenging to stimulate you. But I'm going to guess you come from somewhere that had pretty set ideas of how little girls should act, and all the signs that you were very smart and inquisitive were brushed off as 'acting out' and considered behavior problems.

[She's seen it before. 'Traditional' ideas can be hell for a clever, outspoken, questioning young woman. From what Julie's said of her childhood and where she grew up, Nadine doubts she was ever encouraged the way she should have been.]

A big mind surrounded by small ones gets boxed in and stifled.

[ Julie snorts, because saying that there were rigidly defined expectations of little girls where she's from is putting it mildly. There were rigidly defined expectations of everyone where Julie was from. People from Pratt didn't go to Ivy League universities or make it big in Hollywood; the best and brightest of Pratt made it to Topeka if they were lucky. Everyone else was expected to shut up and fall in line, live a quiet, poor life of farming or menial labor. There was no room for someone like Julie, even when she was young. ]

Anyway, I guess... after that, I never much saw the point in tryin' to learn. Or at least at school. I used to read a lot, though. When I couldn't go to the farm when my parents were workin', they'd usually just leave me at the library until it closed.

I understand, you felt like there was no use in trying. You were a kid and the adults in your life were sending you a really clear message. But it was the wrong message, Julie. Dumb kids don't read a lot. They don't hang out in libraries for fun. Smart kids do that.

[Nadine had been a library kid herself, but this is the sort of thing it's easier to see from the outside than in. And Julie has obviously been conditioned to see herself and her abilities in a certain way. That's something she can understand. Conditioning is a hell of a drug.]

So I think what would be a good idea is to reframe this whole situation. It feels like you're maybe going into this looking at it as something big to conquer and defeat, and you feel like you don't have the tools to do that. This isn't a classroom, I'm not your teacher, there's no grading or passing or failing here. I'm just a friend who has something to teach you. Like...knitting or...mixing tonics.

[The traditional classroom methods aren't going to be much help here. Like when Julie was young, it's the approach that needs help, not the student.]

We'll take a much looser approach.

[ She thinks about it, and she's honestly not sure whether the library or the reading came first. She's pretty sure that she was left at the library because it was safe and open late enough to act as a free babysitter, and that the librarians didn't call her family out on it because they felt bad for her. But she knows that, either way, there were days that she would spend six hours sitting on a beanbag with a Yoo-hoo or cherry Coke, stacks of books around her, going through entire series in only a few weeks.

Taking a deep breath, she nods, tries to reorient the way she's coming at the idea of magic. She feels slightly less intimidated, but it doesn't change the previous issue she'd pointed out: she can feel the magic but doesn't know how to harness it. And Nadine doesn't seem to have the feeling that she does, the awareness of magic in the air like spiderwebs constantly brushing her skin. The way she speaks is slow, like she's actively trying to work through it as she talks. ]

Okay, so, like I said, I can... if I try, I can feel magic. It's there. But it's like tryin' to squish a gnat in mid-air. Sometimes you can get it, but usually the air movin' with your hands pushes it away. So how do I make it hold still?

[Nadine purses her lips in thought, turning it over in her mind. It's a different approach to magic than she takes, and there wasn't much in the books she read about wild magic, but...]

Maybe it's not about holding it still, for you. You compared it to trying to grab water with your hands, earlier. You can divert the flow of water without grabbing it. Maybe that's how magic works for you. Working with it instead of trying to control it. It's just a theory, but...

[It seems like a pretty sound one, to her. Wild magic's supposed to be more 'natural', after all, how it's done is what separates it from its academic counterpoint.]

Okay.

[ Her brow is furrowed, and she closes her eyes, sighs heavily, but it's not a frustrated sigh. It's more like she's trying to draw up the conviction to believe she can make it work. She doesn't really feel much more confident, but she does feel slightly calmer as she breathes, focuses on that rhythm and nothing else.

She's never been someone who can easily clear her mind. There's probably a psychiatric textbook's worth of reasons why, but the point remains that she has never been prone to calm concentration. It hasn't gotten any easier in Abraxas, where she constantly senses magic on the fringes of her consciousness, but sitting here, she manages to make herself think of nothing before she imagines just Nadine's hands from before. The little ball of fire, how it flickered and moved. Nothing above her wrists. Just a tiny flame, that's all she has to do. Like a candle.

There's another breath and her face knits further. Without realizing she's even doing it, her hands raise slightly, palms faced outward like she is actually trying to push magic around instead of grabbing it. Nothing appears in front of them.

Instead, a few feet from her face, the air sparks like a firecracker, then individual flames lick into existence, twining themselves together until they form almost a little fountain of fire. It spits tiny flares and embers into the air, lighting her face up orange and red.

Her hands shake and she's perspiring. She lets out a strained whimper and the fire abruptly extinguishes when she drops backward to the bed, panting. It's a struggle to even open her eyes again. ]

[Nadine stifles a sound at the first little spark, not wanting to startle Julie out of whatever she's stumbled into. But there's no mistaking the fall of glinting sparks that appear as anything but the other woman's magic.]

You did it!

[At some cost of exertion, but still. Nadine puts a hand on Julie's shoulder, squeezing gently in support and delight. That's probably enough for today, she doesn't want to push Julie too hard, and it's clear that this victory has taken a toll. But it's a success! And so quickly...She honestly hadn't expected so clear results so quickly. It may not be particularly controlled, but that's not the point right now. Control will come later.]

Whatever you're doing...you're on the right path. That was all you, Julie. You just take it easy, I'll get you a drink.

[Water to start with, something stronger if Julie prefers.]

[ In just those few minutes, Julie feels as bone-weary as if she had spent the entire day doing hard labor in the sun. It's even deeper and heavier than how exhausted she'd been after the Halloween party, when she was so tired that she slept through murderous ghosts or zombies or whatever. She hadn't known it would take that level of energy; for some reason, she'd imagined that doing magic would be as simple as just thinking or saying certain words. Instead, it was like reining a stubborn horse, requiring every shred of strength she could muster.

Nadine is talking but it's hard to make sense of what she's actually saying. Julie just nods and mumbles affirmatively, still trying to catch her breath and will herself to stay awake long enough for the drink. She is parched. ]

[Nadine is gone only briefly, returning with a mug of water and a pitcher to refill it. She sits back down on the edge of the bed and sets the pitcher aside for the moment.]

Here, have some water. And then rest. It takes a lot, when you're just starting out. I'll stick around a little while, in case you need anything. Just ask.

[Something to eat, another pillow, whatever. Julie needs to take it easy after exerting all that she did. But...you could only use up energy you had. That it took this much out of her indicates, to Nadine at least, a vast reservoir of power. That shower of embers had been larger and stronger than anything she'd been able to do at the start...

But it's something to bring up later.]

[ By the time Nadine gets back, Julie has dozed off. The sound of someone else in the room stirs her back to the edge of consciousness. The water is even more incentive to open her eyes, and she takes the mug to gulp down the water like she's been in the sun for hours. She doesn't stop until it's drained, and she sits up slightly to try and unlace her bodice.

Her hands are so shaky that she can't do it. Her fingers fumble at the laces. ]

I just... I just need a nap. I'm okay.

I'll still be here if you need anything. Just take it easy, here, let me get those.

[Nadine moves Julie's hands away gently and takes over undoing her laces. She makes short work of it, plucking with practiced ease at the lacing, well used to the local kirtle style garments at this point. She doesn't even think about it, it's just natural to help when Julie's clearly exhausted and drained from her efforts.]

Alright, let's get you comfortable.

[With a reassuring smile, Nadine adjusts the pillows and gestures for Julie to shift so she can pull back the first layer of bedding for the younger woman to settle herself in properly.]

[ If she had even a little more energy, she would protest, struggle for independence. As it is, she feels like she's swaying with the effort to sit upright, and it's so much easier to just let Nadine play mother hen. Her arms drop and all she can do is sit there. The covers are pulled back and Julie just sort of falls into the pillows, chemise bunched around her thighs, already half asleep. She claims she needs a nap, but it's likely she'll be out until morning.

Her voice is muffled by the pillowcase when she remembers to say something, faintly mumbling. ]

Thanks Nadine.

[ dec / open ] what even is the point of december without christmas presents?

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