gynvael: (005)
Geralt z Rivii ([personal profile] gynvael) wrote in [community profile] abraxaslogs2021-12-07 11:20 am

[ OPEN / CLOSED ] i think i found a way to kill the sun

Who: Geralt + Various
When: December
Where: Cadens, Horizon
What: Some catching up now that he's home
Warnings: Discussion of trauma; nsfw marked



(( placing starters in the comments below. find me at [plurk.com profile] discontinued or at Noa#1979 to plot stuff! ))
falcony: (✗ >> 19)

[personal profile] falcony 2021-12-29 05:25 am (UTC)(link)
[ the bite is unintended, and sam knows it the second it slips through. it's why he doesn't react, why he doesn't so much as blink, waiting for geralt to continue. because it'd be easy to tell him that there's a difference between trying to process and being confused, but he assumes that falls into finer details that won't actually help matters, so he lets it pass.

but geralt also isn't wrong. sam hasn't really ever dealt with anything like this before. not like geralt, not like whatever these trials were meant to be, nothing. so he tries not to assume, tries to keep being patient, because that's all he can really do. his brows lift a bit when geralt says people, then fall as his descriptions continue on. the numbers alone make his stomach turn, but the way that geralt says crawled is something else. he doesn't nod, but sam's eyes do turn to the space in front of him, rather than on geralt's face.

it's not his burden to carry, and geralt's not looking for sympathy. he came to this to talk, came here to share what it is he can't stop thinking about, and sam's not the type of person to think he is just going to magically make it all go away.

the frustration is what pulls sam's eyes back over to where geralt is sitting, brow furrowed just the slightest bit. ]


What did you do before? To make your peace. [ a beat, and then- ] And don't tell me you just suffered through enough sleepless nights that it didn't bother you anymore. I can't imagine that kind of shit just stops bothering. Not really.

[ it's a nicer way of saying did you really make peace? seeing as sams not trying to pick a fight. ]
falcony: (ia_200000146)

[personal profile] falcony 2021-12-30 06:45 pm (UTC)(link)
[ it always surprises him, no matter how often he had his talks at the va or how many people he walked through or how many soldiers he counseled - they’re all so different, yes, but also not all that different at all.

home, geralt says, and sam understands. not the experiences, not the trauma, not the shadows or memories or fears that chase geralt in his dreams. sam doesn’t understand the specific trauma itself, but he understands home. and more than that, he understands the urge to want to be around others. for geralt, going home meant being around other witchers, other people who did understand.

there’s not a whole lot to explain when they all went through it. not a whole lot of foundation that needs to be built. they get it, they get each other, and now that geralt doesn’t have that support system, yeah. of course he’d feel lost.

part of sam nearly snorts - if only because, while different, the experiences are the same. sam started working at the va to counsel soldiers because he did understand them. the people he used to talk to, the people he could help, they had the same experiences. they were family. and that’s exactly what geralt is describing. the urge to want to go home is universal, is exactly what sam himself does (did) when things got hard.

but he doesn’t. instead, sam shifts a little. watches geralt shrug, try redirect attention, and then turns his eyes back to his drink. ]


What are they like? [ if geralt looks at all confused, if he looks at sam at all really, sam will look back with that same unguarded, curious, patient look. ] Your brothers, I mean.
falcony: (ia_200000140)

[personal profile] falcony 2022-01-02 11:47 pm (UTC)(link)
[ sam doesn't necessarily expect the look that geralt turns back to him with, but he does expect something close. so when geralt turns back to look at him, sam is there - waiting for an answer, maybe, but also just there at all. and if he needs the time to figure out what he wants to say, if he needs to just change the subject entirely, sam will pick up with those threads too.

because it is, in the end, all about family. about the family they left at home, and - maybe - the family they're building here, too. if sam really wanted to think about it, it's probably what drew them to each other that first visit to the horizon in the first place. similar feelings, similar ideas, of home. of what it means to come back, to find your footing, to be where you don't have to be anything else. sam has that, in this house he's taken with him here. has that back home, with sarah and the boys. has that, and can only create that for others, because he knows what it takes to build.

geralt's keep is freezing, open to the elements and the years its survived. but sam could see it even there, something like gravity, like a sun in the lives of people like geralt, like his brothers. a pain in my arse geralt says, and sam lets himself laugh. because yeah- that sounds about right. sam's mind flitters through his fellow soldiers, riley and the others in his unit. to steve and nat and wanda and bucky, too. family carries that affection, easy and heavy all at once, and sam takes another drink of his beer to help mediate the physical feeling he has in association with that tone.

he mentions vessemir next, and sam remembers the conversation. how little sam had known about geralt, about witchers, when it had first been brought up and how he'd called the man a survivor. it seems to fit the image even more, now, even if sam feels something a little more painful as geralt mentions orphans. it's not surprising, he finds, but it's still another piece of information. another little bit of geralt slipping through the cracks. orphans, and yet with that is kaer morhen. his brothers. vesemir. his family, that he so obviously misses, and yet with it that same heaviness he's seen geralt carrying. he can put enough of the pieces together - the memory the mage pulled free, what geralt told him about the mutations, the mentions of home and how something as simple as family can lift some of that tension in geralt's shoulders.

somewhere, in the back of sam's head, are learned expressions. sometimes the people we love the most are also the ones who hurt us the worst and you're allowed to have forgiven the people who have hurt you but sam...chooses to stash them away. maybe for later, maybe for never, because he looks at geralt now and can tell that the other man isn't here for a lesson. not in the textbook sort of way. ]


I bet you miss 'em. [ a beat, and if geralt looks back over to him, sam's going to gesture with the beer bottle up and around the kitchen - where Christmas decorations sit, displayed or tucked or just out. it's hard to tell if the house was this decorated when geralt first showed up, but it is now. ] Christmas- or, you called it Yule? It's during the winter months, when you usually go home, right? [ sam's not assuming this is geralt's first winter away from his family, but he does assume the connection. ]

It sucks. [ a beat, and then he shrugs. ] I know how hard it is when the one thing you want is to go home, and you can't.
Edited 2022-01-02 23:47 (UTC)
falcony: (ia_200000067)

[personal profile] falcony 2022-01-03 04:15 am (UTC)(link)
[ that is exactly it though, isn’t it? home can be a family, can be a house, can be a sense of feeling whole end settled and where people look at you like the you of now, rather than the you you’re supposed to be, and sam does understand that. inherently. completely. how it can be somewhere that it means as much to leave as it means to come hole again.

for sam, it’s not as regular as geralt. he makes it home for the holidays that he can, for stretches of time when he feels like he’s unraveling, when his parents got sick and grandparents passed away - but he’s also left, just as frequently. years on the run, years where he hadn’t existed at all. years, where he’d been off fighting the world because if no one else was going to change it, he would.

honestly, sam doesn’t expect geralt to respond to it, which is why his attention turns back to his drink, or maybe the decorations up in the rafters, or maybe it’s just the photos they can always make out - either way, sam’s attention is elsewhere, so that when geralt does speak up with his offer, it catches sam a bit off-guard. not in a bad way, not in a negative way. just. in an unexpected way.

come see it and sam’s breath doesn’t catch, necessarily, but he does feel a slow smile tug at his mouth. ]
Sure. [ because it’s true - he’s never actually been inside. just to a cabin that isn’t there and the walls around it, when he’d been out of his mind worried, and had to move, somehow. ]

Yeah, no, you’re right. I haven’t been inside- but I’d definitely like to see it.

[ he chooses not to focus, for now, on what that means. geralt, opening his home up to him. geralt, who came here to find him too. that doesn’t mean he won’t later, but for now sam just nods. ]
falcony: (ia_200000053)

[personal profile] falcony 2022-01-11 02:17 am (UTC)(link)
[ geralt stands and sam is pushing off to follow, setting down his mug on any of the surfaces he can easily reach and making his way out the door with him. he grabs a jacket off the hook as they go, because even if it's not all that cold, it will be.

and he follows geralt down the path, through the grasses along the horizon and into the mountainous path. sam catches himself staring after the landscapes, like they were both somehow on some hike through the hills rather than heading in any sort of direction, and before he knew it the snow had started to fall. he has seen the gates, saw the yard from a distance, the pieces of bones sticking out through the white of the snow. the wolf greets them, a wolf sam has left letters with, has taken the time to leave treats and pet every once in a while. for today, he does get a bump of a wet nose, and sam stops for a moment just to rub at his ears and fur. he fits the place, fits geralt, just as the keep around him seems to do the same.

it's inside that sam's focus comes back, eyes immediately on the heavy doors, the large room, and the tree beyond. he sees silver hanging off its branches, and then snow breaking through the crumbling walls, but as if in spite of all of that, there is a warmth. a comforting peace to it all. without realizing he's doing it, sam's shoulders seem to relax. his eyes are still wandering, moving from windows to the arch of the ceiling to the tables and benches and ale and food. ]


You know. [ sam says, in that distracted sort of way that makes it sound like he's more interested in looking than talking, but doesn't want geralt to think he wasn't listening. ] I could see it. You- growing up here. [ he starts to wander inside, eyes still everywhere, like he's trying to take in the entire room all in one go. ]

Guessing the secrecy was intentional because of the whole 'witcher' thing?
falcony: (ia_200000012)

[personal profile] falcony 2022-01-11 08:36 pm (UTC)(link)
[ sam's glad he grabbed the jacket, even if - horizon and all - he probably could have bundled up a little more at any given moment. still, even with the chill, the room still carries enough warmth with it that he's not too bothered as he lets his eyes wander, as geralt lets him look without much direction or guard.

( that probably says more than anything, too, but sam's learned to take it as they come - the moments geralt feels like opening up, the times geralt doesn't feel as though he needs to hide it. to brush it off. )

it's geralt's quiet I couldn't that has sam's attention turning back to the witcher, hands in the pockets of his jacket, waiting for anything else. when geralt makes it obvious there won't be any, sam kind of shakes his head, walking over to the table that geralt's settled on top of and settling in the space a little further down. ]


No, they didn't really give you the choice. [ it's all things he's put together, snippets of what geralt has told him and what he's seen for himself. the tension whenever sam would bring up his parents, the comments about how young they were when the trials started. it eats away at the lining of sam's stomach, but knowing how geralt feels about being pitied, sam does his best not to let it show.

instead, he keeps looking. keeps taking it in. the cracks in the walls, the broken ceiling beams, the holes letting in the snow. it's not exactly comforting, and yet somehow even still... ]
That what the bones are about? [ a glance to his side, to geralt, with a small smirk before he keeps looking around. ] And here I just thought you liked being super goth. [ it's one of those moments that sam realizes too late that geralt probably has. no idea what he's talking about, so he moves on. ]

How long ago was that? The mob.
falcony: (ia_200000016)

[personal profile] falcony 2022-01-18 07:21 pm (UTC)(link)
[ if geralt wanted to chat about that point at all, sam would have something to say about homes being wherever it is you need them to be, as long as you make the choice to return. as long as some part of you wants to return. as long as there is something to return back to.

still, sam is trying to find his place in all of this. to find what is safe to broach, what will shatter whatever bridge they find themselves crossing. sam is trying, sam wants to be here, to hear whatever it is that geralt actually wants to talk about, and if there's a path with less resistence, well. sam will take it. any information about geralt's home is new information at this point.

a century ago and sam shutters a bit over that. he knows geralt is old, over a century himself. but in knowing that, sam also somehow has forgotten. but he does do the math, does piece it together, and geralt can probably see the moment that the puzzle piece falls into place. ]


Christ. [ it sounds a bit like a curse, a bit like a sigh. sam rubs at the back of his neck, aware of just how separate their experiences are. how far apart their childhoods were. there is no sympathy to it, no pity, no weight. just an acknowledgement and then a pushing on. sam looks at geralt again, after that. just for a few more moments. and then his eyes are back on the windows, the breaks in the stone, and the bones beyond in the snow.

he wonders briefly is the reason geralt keeps the bones here is because it's easier to have something to show for the deaths. if it's easier to have a marker, a reminder, compared to what he'd said earlier - about how each winter he goes and each winter he wonders who won't make it back. the thought sits fairly heavy in his chest, flashes of funerals, of unmarked graves.

sam sits back up, like he's pulling his way out of those thoughts. ]


You said you come back here every winter, right? But you grew up here for a while. [ he's not changing the subject, necessarily, but he also doesn't wait for geralt to keep talking. ] What's this place like in the summer?
falcony: (pVYurE2)

[personal profile] falcony 2022-01-21 10:44 pm (UTC)(link)
[ he's made his peace. sam wonders about that phrase more often than he doesn't - what that means where it concerns trauma, his own and in others. if it can ever, really, be true to the words that are spoken. sam isn't convinced of it himself, but also doesn't necessarily think it's his place to say as much, doesn't necessarily know if what geralt says is true or just him trying to convince them both, so he just. sort of nods.

and a part of him assumed as much - about kaer morhen, about the summer months. it's a bit like returning to your childhood home after you graduate college (or, for sam, after he enlisted. after he came home from a tour). it's home, it will always be home, but outside of the specific time you're used to being there - holidays, weekends, brief stints in between - it still would feel. odd.

he looks back over to geralt, curious. ]
What- like this place is bigger? Or do you have some kinda spell on it so not-Witchers can't get in? [ he quirks a smile, like it's a shared sort of joke between them. sam's used to being the "non" insert qualifier here. non-super soldier, no spy, non-super powered human, non-witcher. it's a familiar place, and therefore sam holds no real issue with it. his attention turns to the cups on the table, then, around to the various items that geralt's created in the space, and lets geralt simply be in his thoughts.

there's no rush. never has been. and sam's content to simply look around until geralt continues, and when he does sam doesn't bother hiding the way he snorts a laugh at that. ]
Yeah? [ and then he laughs again, shaking his head a little. ] You know, the more I hear about Vesemir the more he sounds like a guy I would have liked to know. [ it is said casually, said easily, because while sam is very aware he doesn't know the start of who vesemir is, but the way that geralt describes him has a fond quality about it. familiar. it feels warm and familial and sam is always drawn to that. just like now. ]

And what about your brothers? I can imagine they got up to some shit.
falcony: (ia_200000028)

[personal profile] falcony 2022-01-25 06:32 pm (UTC)(link)
[ unfortunately, geralt, you're talking to a regular ole dude with no magic who hasn't ever had magic. therefore, mages and witchers are all sort of a part of an amorphous blob of 'magic is involved and i'm not sure i'm ever going to understand it'. he's pretty sure that there is an extreme different that if he really needed to, he could tell the difference. but right now? ]

Oh so the trail has a magical defenses. Got it. [ it's said with a sort of look, like come on now geralt. really. but then the conversation keeps moving, and sam feels a sort of warm smile creep across his face. the mention of brothers, of family, of a father figure doing his best. he can picture it, with or without all the swords and this huge castle and mentions of wyverns, and it's not a bad. it's all, in its own way, familiar.

sam lifts a brow, grin escaping. ]
Locking you back up? Where would he even be able to keep you? Cause I'm pretty sure I was locked out a time or do for the shit I tried to pull. [ mama wilson got tired of sam's crazy teenage years plenty. but it was never anything to worry about. ] But wait- wyverns. Those are what- tiny dragons? You tried to keep a tiny dragon as a pet?
falcony: (ia_200000065)

[personal profile] falcony 2022-01-28 12:45 am (UTC)(link)
[ the look sam gets in return has him laughing - barking out something of an easy sound. and he knows it's all a bit ridiculous and knows it's all a bit silly but sam does still need moments here and there where he recognizes just how insane all of this really is. geralt raises an eyebrow and makes a comment like it's obvious and even when they're talking about children and experiments and unwilling boys, sam just sort of. snorts. and shoves at geralt's arm - friendly, easy, pushing him over like they were joking around about something as simple as a football game. ]

I don't know, man. This is my first time here. I'm still waiting for the full tour. [ and, just like geralt does, sam move without lingering. the laughter lingers, though, because now he's thinking about geralt as a kid and trying to keep some tiny dragon as a pet, and for whatever reason it's that image that has sam's hand on his own chest, laughter easy in the air. ]

Oh no, I think she needs to know this. How big was it? Are we talking like- dog-sized? Or something tiny and scary? Actually- don't tell me. I'm picturing tiny and scary and I like that image way too much.

[ and sure, maybe they've moved from what the original conversation had meant to be. but as all conversations for sam tend to go, he's not upset about it. not worried about it. there is something lighter and more geralt-like in the slant of the other mn's shoulders that sam had noticed when they first arrived here, something that almost looks like relaxing. almost looks like calming down. and sam - sam fits where he thinks he's needed. whether that's a tense, complicated conversation that neither of them can solve, or it's just. talking about stupid things they did as kids.

there is more that they should talk about, but sam wilson has always been the type to recognize that sometimes the lighter things are just as important of topics. ]


Please tell me you named it. Please.
falcony: (JioStXb)

[personal profile] falcony 2022-01-29 10:08 pm (UTC)(link)
[ and that. that noise. that is something that sam has found he chases after. that he looks for in the conversations. the amusement as well as the exasperation. the proof that whatever this is - sam laughing, geralt giving away stories, the way the two of them continue to circle around each other, this bond - is something from equal sides. because yes, geralt does say some fucked up shit. and sam knows that it's fucked up enough that he should be more hung up on it. but he's also learned, over the course of these months, that nothing gets done if he does. that it's not what geralt wants, whether or not he needs it.

sam's not his therapist. sam doesn't want to be. but he does want to be the sort of friend that geralt shows off his home and tells dumb stories to and one where they can sit in this home and laugh. ]


I'll hold you to that. Even if you already owe me drinks. I might as well start making the shit myself with how many empty bottles I have at the apartment.

[ it's a casual statement, comfortable and joking, despite the nature behind it. despite the fact the only reason sam's even going through that much alcohol had been what they'd all gone through. jaskier, first - then geralt. then ciri finding out about alina. sam was not a huge drinker, not unless the social situation called for it, but lately...well. let's just say the bottles of liquor had been drank. and used. and drank again.

sam pauses for a moment, thinking about that. about how geralt had found a spot for himself in that room, even after he'd healed. how easily the two of them had fallen into step together. how nice the last few weeks (weeks? months? god, sam's gotta get better at keeping up with time) had felt. now sam just holds onto the smile, shakes his head a little. ]


And how big do they get? If you'd actually kept it.
falcony: (✓ >> 21)

[personal profile] falcony 2022-02-16 04:43 pm (UTC)(link)
[ that is the thing sam's generally fallen back on, when it comes to grief. when it comes to support, connection, and understanding. to make it obvious and known that you're there to talk, but not needing to. the snort from geralt is reminder of that, in many ways. that they can be here, that they can be present, and that whatever this is, it is still a two-way street too.

sam hasn't talked about his demons. hasn't brought up his grief. there are complications on complications back home that sam could get into, if he wasn't, but he hasn't. doesn't. maybe there will be a time later. maybe not. becoming captain america doesn't exactly seem comparative, to everything happening around them here.

sam laughs. it's light, and easy, but it does not ignore the rest of it. does not turn away from the piece of geralt he's opened up for him here. ]


Yeah, I'm gonna pass. Pretty sure Magpie would have a heart attack.

[ and then he's standing, too. whether they'd intended to be here or not, sam is glad for it. appreciative. in more ways than he probably realizes. he takes another look around the large room, just because he can, before sliding his hands into his pockets. turning back to geralt. smiling. where to next? ]