abraxaslogs | [ CLOSED ] head down, hands up

I'll take a pencil on my hunt.

[ It makes him feel better, to know she can defend herself with magic if needed. Even if it may not be perfectly under control—though as far as he can tell, her grasp on it is more than decent these days. Blooming flowers included.

He smiles a hint. Maybe they did know—but he was never especially told what they were attempting. ]

Perhaps that will be my first learned spell. Sticky tongue. [ He watches the people passing by for a moment. ] What about you? Have you felt your magic more as you've learned it?

I'll make you a giant one, it can replace a sword. Fits a scabbard just right.

[ Based on her experiences in Abraxas, it seems much more likely that the mages had no idea what they were trying to get out of him. As far as she can tell, these highly-educated mages are just rogue scientists on LSD, hypothesizing and then starting all the way at the human trial stage. Like fucking supervillians. ] Anytime you need something across the room, you can just bleehhh [ she sticks her tongue out obnoxiously for a second ] and get it. Very efficient.

[ His question, though, does give her a bit of pause, makes her roll her eyes in thought. Her words come out slowly, delicately, like she's trying to phrase it correctly without knowing what that means. ] I don't know if more is the right word. It's more like... before, I could feel it all, but I didn't know what it was. I couldn't feel it in the dungeon, so when we got out, it hit me like tidal wave, and I didn't know what was goin' on. I thought everyone felt like that here, like there was this thing always with 'em. On top of 'em, inside. Tryin' to... reach out, I guess. I never felt it before, so I thought it was just bein' here, so close to the Singularity.

But... [ She sighs heavily and squints a little, because she's not sure if her next thought is stupid or not. It's entirely possible it's dumb, idiotic wish fulfillment from a girl who had nothing going on in her real life, that it was really all coincidence. ] After that, it was like some hole was filled in. I didn't fit in back home. I never knew what I wanted to do, I wasn't very good at much. Like some part of my brain was missin', something that everyone else had without tryin'. And then, after the first time I went to the Horizon, it didn't feel quite as much like that. I remember, even when I didn't know who I was that time, it still felt right that I was there. Especially after we found the door from Lloyd's place to mine. Like I was supposed to be there.

[ He laughs when she imitates a frog, a quiet little noise that fades as he listens. He remembers being trapped down there. More than the confinement, it was being cut off from all that he was which got to him. How he could never quite sleep because when he closed his eyes, he heard almost nothing; the way the nights made him feel blinded because he couldn't recall the last time he ever experienced true darkness without his vision being taken. Being set free had nearly hurt, as it came rushing back.

It'd never occurred to him those entirely human might have felt the same, solely from the magic that flowed through this sphere.

He makes a thoughtful sound. Thinks about Nadine asking him if he believes in fate. He's wondered since if it follows all of them, no matter how different their lives. Not a force that moves them like puppets on a string, but one that pushes them to confront the choices they have to make. ]

For years, I was told there was more waiting for me. That I was missing something. I thought it was horseshit, but some part of me looked, anyway. Then Ciri came along. They said we were destined for each other. [ He looks away, searching for how he wants to say what's on his mind. ] I don't know what I believe. But I do know we found each other twice over, across two worlds. She gave me what I never knew I didn't have. Maybe what you were missing, magic or purpose or both, you were always meant to find it here.

[ The corners of her mouth turn down, and so does her gaze. She focuses on turning the flower over in her hands, running her thumb along the lines of the petals. There's no indication in their texture that just an hour ago, they were dried and crumbling to pieces. ]

But -- you were in the same world, the two of you. It's fuckin' cruel, for my destiny or purpose or whatever to only be somethin' I could have after... [ She trails off. After all of that, she doesn't say. Something that she never had a possibility of having without unimaginable suffering, pain, death, both for herself and for her whole world. What if it never happened? Her destiny was supposed to languish in a world she didn't even know existed, while she dragged on for decades, unfulfilled? Isn't destiny supposed to be something that a person can actually have? A choice they can make? Her thumb accidentally punctures one of the petals, and she fixes it without a word, another moment of blush-colored light. ]

When I was a kid, they used to tell us that there was a divine plan for everyone, that God knew us before we were born and had a path ready for us to follow. And I remember thinkin', back then, that if God knew me and loved me, like they kept sayin', then why make things so hard? Why did I deserve all the shit that happened to me, why was that the plan? [ She chuckles, and it's little more than just a mirthless puff of air. ] All this shit reminds me of that. Except way, way worse, 'cause at least when it was just "God's plan", it didn't kill almost eight billion people in the worst way.

After life fucked you over? [ He gets it. How it feels. ] My mother claimed it was Destiny, that had her abandon me to the Witchers.

[ As though it made it all right. It didn't. And he isn't sure if it had anything to do with Ciri. If maybe the reason he was missing something was because he'd been taken from his life in the first place. If it was what she told herself, to let herself live with her decision. Would he have found himself in Cintra, anyhow, had he not lived his life as a Witcher? Could he have even protected her afterwards as he had otherwise? Would Ciri have simply been bound to another protector and his path found elsewhere?

He's thought about it, often. What it all means. He spent so much of his life telling himself none of it meant anything. Now it feels as though it does and he can't say whether or not he wants it to. It'd been simpler when he was certain it did not. These days—he doesn't know. A divine plan is not a concept he subscribes to. His choices have never stopped feeling like his own. And yet. Some things, he can't deny. ]

You don't deserve what happened any more than I did. [ He hesitates. There's a sense he's only recently been working this out himself, a question that lies underneath what he's saying. ] I don't believe in plans laid. But sometimes we find it, that one good thing. Maybe that's all Destiny is. Something eventually meant to come amidst the senseless shit we're dealt, that makes it a little more bearable.

Your mom's a cunt. [ It comes out bluntly, unbidden. It's not helpful and she knows that. But she doesn't make any effort to seem contrite or take it back.

Part of the issue is simply that Julie's cultural background makes it hard to accept the idea of a truly chaotic universe, where nothing means anything, and every series of events is just happenstance. Both her upbringing and the general world she knew were geared around the idea that things happen for a reason. That there is such a thing as karma and kismet, that the cosmos want balance. That piece of her, so deeply embedded that it cannot be removed, screams for justice. An explanation owed, as to why she would be given this gift but cursed to live somewhere she couldn't ever access it and wouldn't even know why she felt its absence. It weeps for the time lost, the education stolen. Everything she can never have because she had to die to get here.

And it hurts, hurts to know that she can long for those things all she wants, but there will never be an answer, because the truth is probably closer to the opposite. That there's almost no reason or rhythm to any of it. That she is just a collection of random atoms, born on a random planet. That everything -- her immunity, her resurrection, her magic -- is all complete chance. She wants someone she can be angry at, but there isn't anyone and never will be.

But then what killed her in the first place? That wasn't something random. ]

Yeah, but don't you hafta know there's somethin' worth it out there, to make you keep goin'? Would you have done it all the same if you didn't know you were supposed to be lookin'? [ She didn't know. And she can't say right now whether she would have done things differently, whether she would have left Vegas and run to Boulder, whether she would have just swallowed a fucking bullet when she realized she was alone. Or if knowing this world was waiting would have been enough to make it all worth it. ] I don't know. It just feels fuckin' unfair.

[ Do they? Maybe. Maybe some do need it and never find it. For him, he doesn't mean it as a pull of faith that kept him moving forward. It's something he found, abruptly, in those woods that made him realize, when looking at all those decades behind him full of pain and heartache—perhaps they can be worth something to someone, if not for himself. But his relationship with fate and faith is complicated. Some part of him won't accept the idea that everything in the world is preordained, that he's always been exactly where he was meant to be from the start, because it would mean Visenna was right to do what she had.

He doesn't want her to be right. A petty, childish desire, but it's one that stays with him. ]

Yeah. It is. [ It is unfair. Always has been. From any angle, it feels unfair: that he's here, with a life and a family and people who care for him, and his brothers are, what. Still alone? Fated to die forgotten in a fucking swamp somewhere?

But he'd never asked to go through the things he had, either. In a sense, her bitterness and anger over it—it's not a foreign thing. He's felt it, too. He's simply had a few decades to learn to put it aside, not because he found some peace or a realization that made it acceptable, but solely so it didn't consume every part of his being. ]

I don't know, either. [ Surviving hurts. He's never known it to be anything else. He grows quieter. ] I just believe—if your magic feels as though it's meant for you, then who's to tell you otherwise? Arrived by Destiny or chance, you decide what's yours when you find it.

[ She sighs and tilts her head back, looks up at the sky between the buildings. She'd spent so long being propelled forward by the idea that someday she would figure out what she meant for, that it would take her somewhere she wanted to be. And it turned out that the only way for her to achieve that was to lose absolutely everything that meant anything to her, to stumble through some kind of freak cosmic coincidence. To suffer incomprehensible pain and somehow manage to remain mentally present enough to take advantage of the silver lining.

The clouds drift by overhead, dotted by the occasional passing bird. ]

I know it's mine. Things make sense now, where they never did before. But it feels like I lost so much time, bein' somewhere that I could never do the thing I was supposed to be doin'. [ She's quiet for a beat, still looking up, and her head tilts a little to one side. ] I guess it wouldn't've been the same without you.

[ Along with Nadine, he's honestly been the single most supportive person along her way. Julie is someone who spent much of her life being discouraged by those around her. She's not sure she would have kept struggling forward at magic without him. ]

[ There's a blink and he looks at her a little closer. Somehow, that statement takes him by surprise. It's never crossed his mind he's done anything; all of her learning, she's done on her own. He visits her and she shows him what new magic she's learned. Maybe that's what she means. That he comes by to watch her in the first place.

Perhaps he's always found quick kinship with those that possess a sort of dogged determination to be the things that the world has told them they can't. He feels it, that loss of time. When he thinks back to the few childhood memories before the Witchers, it's always akin to...remembering someone he's long buried. Not a memory that belongs to him. ]

I know that's true for me. [ He says it plainly, without ceremony. She's one of the first he trusted. And she's been here from nearly the beginning, like him. Not a hell of a lot of them left from those days.

He doesn't mistrust the other Summoned—a handful, he considers important, allies—but it's different. For many, their existence in this sphere remains temporary, a problem to solve. It's not so for him, for her. A permanence sits between the few whom he knows are making this place their home that he doesn't share with everyone. ]

[ It's not an accident that Nadine is the only person to whom Julie has actually expressed how small and unsupportive her world was before the superflu. Tiny, rural American towns didn't like people who stood out, who wanted bigger and better. They resented anyone who got out, devoted themselves to dragging down others like crabs in a bucket. Julie was a girl, was poor and the child of drunks. She was too smart, talked too much and longed for more, and it was easier for the adults in her life to convince her that she wasn't destined for anything important anyway, so she should stop trying. They didn't have the energy to put into nurturing a child who didn't fit the mold. And their lack of recognition taught her that she wasn't smart or important, because if she was, they would have put in the effort, right? So she must not have been worth it.

But, when she started learning magic, Geralt didn't think she was too dumb or too immature to do it. He held up a poinsettia and told her to try again when she thought he would tell her to give up. Not because she thought lowly of him, but because she considered him grounded and logical, so she assumed he would see what she really was. And he did -- that just turned out to not be what she thought she was.

With a quiet hum, she rests her head on his shoulder. Maybe there is something to the idea of destiny, that she had to come to Abraxas this way because she needed him to encourage her, to be here with her so she wouldn't give up. She doesn't know what she gives back to him, because she doesn't see herself as someone with much to give; maybe she was just meant to be the one who was there that night in Nott. Maybe there really is no rhyme or reason, and they just happened to crash into each other and stick. She supposes it doesn't matter in the long run.

She twirls the stem of the flower between her fingers, and without consciously meaning to, makes it bloom where she had rolled it back to slightly before that point. ]

How long are you gonna be gone this time?

[ In the quiet, Geralt sits without saying much more. She leans against him and that's really the only answer he needs. Maybe that's where their experiences diverge—he doesn't know what it is to not be pushed for more, for better, too often past the breaking point that any child should be expected to bear. Vesemir did his best, but Witchers are Witchers. They were only ever raised, only ever taught, one way and it's the one that says if you can still crawl, then you can keep moving. He thinks he's old enough now to understand where that line is drawn, and he's never wanted the same for Ciri—but sometimes he sees her as she is, grown up with all her hard edges and far too like him, and he has to ask exactly how well he actually succeeded.

But at least the concept of giving up is not one that he entertains. It isn't her affinity for magic, either. Julie has it, but it's simpler than that. She's a survivor. In that alone, he recognizes a strength that perhaps not everyone who's not equally been there can see.

His gaze flicks down towards the flower. The small thrum of magic. ] Two weeks or so. Next city over. Thought I'd take Jaskier with me.

[ An easier trip than the desert wilds. He remembers her telling him Be safe, and though that will never be how his life goes, at least this time—so soon after all the shit that's happened—he can stray somewhere less dangerous than he normally would. He does understand. Not wanting to lose more than she already has.

Besides, there's purpose in familiarizing himself further with the surrounding cities. For all that he prefers to keep his head down, he needs a certain amount of connections to find work. ]

[ It's one of those situations where there probably was no "good" answer, no satisfaction on either end of the spectrum. Or, rather, that neither of them ever saw anyone who experienced the happy median. Geralt was only ever around others raised the exact same as him, and Julie was from somewhere poor and rough enough that everyone else was also experiencing some form of dysfunction in their family. And while there is no such thing as perfect parenting, it certainly cannot come at either extreme, constant pressure or continuous discouragement and neglect.

She makes a small noise of acknowledgement. It's a bit surprising to her that Jaskier wants to leave for two weeks, given his flower stand, but then again, boys' trips like this are nothing foreign to her. Redneck men will disappear into the woods together for weeks, if allowed, all responsibilities be damned. (She doesn't really understand the appeal of roughing it.) ]

Ciri said she'll take me to Aquila one of these days, so I can see the ocean. [ And she'd shown Julie a picture of it, in the Horizon, her own memory transferred to a printed postcard. For someone who's only ever been to a handful of places in their life, it's an enticing promise. ] She said everyone there dresses real colorful and fun. So you'll blend right in.

[ If Geralt were the sort to admit nostalgia, he would say that this is what it is: a trip out of nostalgia, for a time when it was only the two of them and a road and nothing else. That he absolutely planned this, from selecting the contract to finding a time where Ciri and Rinwell will both be in town to look after things at home. As it is, he's only acknowledged that he picked up a job delivering and decided he may as well bring Jaskier along. ]

Did she? [ Hm. He remembers that. Julie mentioning she never saw the ocean back home, that she's always wanted to. ] You'd be more than safe travelling with her.

[ It's good, seeing Ciri...invite people places. He knows she doesn't get close to many, has very few she considers friends. She's already had to rebuild her life several times over.

A huff escapes him. Perhaps Jaskier can convince him to wear a slightly darker shade of black. ] Like a walking fish on land, I'm sure.

[ Honestly, it's kind of adorable. They should make sure to each take a dressy outfit with them, just in case they want to go out for a fancy dinner or a show one night. Y'know, the special kind of things they never do at home.

She glances at him, wondering how treacherous it really must be out there, because she had never once even considered that she would be unsafe getting there, or in the city itself. Part of it is just that Julie doesn't really put a lot of thought into things like that, another is the feeling that she's already been through and done so much. What's a few monsters or bandits? She would never seek them out intentionally, but nor do they really make her feel nervous.

Okay, well, monsters maybe a little, but Julie assumes they're mostly like bears and snakes and alligators. They aren't out there looking to tangle with humans, so if you stay away from them, you shouldn't have an issue.

With a laugh, she reaches up, tucks the flower behind his ear and jokingly fusses with his hair. ] Oh c'mon now, I'm sure Jaskier'll doll you somethin' fierce if you ask him real nice.

[ In his mind, there are simply no roads in between villages and towns that are safe. That's how it works in his world. You step out of a town's borders, there's a good chance you may be robbed or eaten. Possibly both. But then, he's equally been the person those travelling are afraid of passing by, so he's hardly one to talk.

He rolls his eyes a little. ] Have you not all accosted me enough in that damn tent?

[ He's not ever had his hair braided so often in his entire hundred years than he did in those three days. He also by and large distinctly let it happen and did not once attempt to undo anything that was done to him, but that's neither here nor there. ]

Besides, last time I allowed Jaskier to dress me, I was accused of looking particularly sad.

[ Was that over ten years ago? Yes. Will he forget it? No, he will not. ]

Oh, they didn't give you a copy of the handbook back when you got Ciri? It's a rule. You have a daughter, you gotta play dress-up. That's just how it is. And you lucked out 'cause she was too old for tea parties. [ Even the worst fathers Julie ever knew, her own included, couldn't be expected to remain stalwart in the face of little girls. Especially more than one, and Julie had many cousins to sleep over and assist in wearing down a drunk, tired, blue-collar man enough for hair ribbons and sparkly nails.

Between Jaskier and Julie egging Ciri on, and the little girls from Solvunn, Geralt never stood a chance.

She laughs again, picturing Geralt shoved into something that Jaskier would deem worthy. She can also picture Geralt's general reaction to being put in public that way. ] How big was the hat?

[ There's the quietest chuckle. ] Is it? And what are the other rules?

[ Probably could've used a book to guide him. He still remembers having not one fucking idea what he was doing with a child, a princess, and all he could think of was to bring her to the safest place he knew. A crumbling fortress hidden away in the mountains.

But at least it no longer makes him pause, hearing someone call Ciri his daughter. He knows what she is now to him. There is a surety in it that he'd not had before, months ago. ]

I didn't receive a hat. [ He leans back to look at Julie, amusement written on his face. When was the last time he even wore a hat? He frankly can't recall. He isn't certain he wants to recall. ] Please do not convince Ciri to put me in one.

[ It's becoming increasingly dangerous, for people to learn that there is one person in his life he can't say no to. ]

Mm, most of it is just acceptin' that she's in charge. Forever, pretty much. But you do get to hurt anyone who makes her cry. Where I'm from, you get to show up at the front door with a shotgun when boys come 'round.

[ Julie's own father was pretty... not great. She never questioned that he loved her, but in places like where she came from, raising daughters was mostly left to the women. Fathers were expected to be wrapped entirely around their daughter's fingers until puberty, at which point they would switch to overprotective guard dogs who avoided all the other aspects of dealing with young women. By the time Julie was around the age Ciri had been when Geralt took her in, her father was far more invested in drinking a six pack in front of the TV every night than he was in paying attention to his daughter running wild. But she had always known that if she needed someone to save her, she could count on him. As long as he was conscious, at least.

Snorting, she smirks and shakes her head a little. ] Don't worry, I don't have any hankerin' to see you in a hat, or any of Jaskier's showy nonsense. I wouldn't use her power over you for somethin' like that anyway. [ She stands and holds her hand out for his. ] C'mon, let's go get a drink.

Edited 2022-04-29 05:23 (UTC)

[ His lips curl a hint. ] Fairly sure Ciri would be there first wielding one.

[ He gets what she means, though. That protectiveness that lingers even when he's well aware Ciri can take care of herself. He lets Ciri go on her own, hunt her own hunts, does not fuss (tries not to) when she returns with cuts and bruises or worse, but deep down, he worries, too. That one day, she will not come home and it will be because he didn't stop her. That isn't how it works, of course. It's just...different. To remember her as a girl what feels only months ago, and then see her now. Grown up.

But then, he also remembers the glow in Ciri's eyes when he showed her the blade he'd had made for her. She is content, with where and who she is. He knows that, too.

He slides his sword and dagger away, putting them aside before he takes Julie's offered hand. He'll never say no to a drink. The flower remains tucked behind his ear. ] You can show me how your pencils are coming along after.

Oh, her aim would be ten times better'n yours. [ She says this with certainty. Ciri has practiced with Julie's shotgun in the Horizon before.

She chuckles as they start down the alley. As annoying as it is to only be able to conjure one item, it's still so amazing to her every single time she manages it. ] Just wait until you see what I figured out how to do with erasers.

[ CLOSED ] head down, hands up

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just a lil wrap up tag