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abraxaslogs2022-04-16 10:46 am
abraxasmods) wrote in abraxaslogs2022-04-16 10:46 am
Entry tags:
- !event,
- aerith gainsborough; the sun,
- alucard; the hierophant,
- anakin skywalker; judgement,
- castiel; the hanged man,
- cirilla of cintra; the devil,
- commander shepard; judgement,
- dean winchester; the lovers,
- diana prince; the empress,
- edelgard von hresvelg; the emperor,
- garrus vakarian; justice,
- geralt of rivia; the hanged man,
- gideon nav; strength,
- goro; the chariot,
- harrowhark nonagesimus; the magician,
- hendrik; death,
- himeka sui; the fool,
- jaskier; the sun,
- jasper; judgement,
- jayce talis; the magician,
- jesper fahey; the wheel of fortune,
- jordan hennessy; the moon,
- julie lawry; the wheel of fortune,
- kell maresh; the magician,
- kylo ren; the tower,
- link; strength,
- nero (dmc); the chariot,
- princess zelda; the high priestess,
- rey; the star,
- rhy maresh; the lovers,
- ronan lynch; the moon,
- sam wilson; justice,
- shuten-douji; the devil,
- thancred waters; strength,
- thane krios; death,
- viktor; death,
- wanda maximoff; the hanged man,
- yennefer of vengerberg; the chariot,
- zhou zishu; strength
EVENT #7: THE SIGHT
Event #7 - The Sight
The night before APRIL 18, your dreams are disrupted by a vivid image of the same eclipse that occurred last month. The black sun seems to be an endless void in the sky, growing ever darker - until it suddenly opens into an eye that stares straight at you.
When you wake up, much of your night seems a blur except for the vivid dream of that eye. Whether you find it unsettling or try to ignore it, the image is something you cannot get out of your mind. If you ask, you will discover that none of the locals of your faction saw another eclipse. Speak with your fellow Summoned, however, and you may learn that while there was no eclipse that formed over the world, you were not the only one who had this dream.
Of course, dreams don't need to mean anything. You can't feel or see any immediate effects, and nearly everyone around you is going about their day as usual. Maybe you should do the same.
When you wake up, much of your night seems a blur except for the vivid dream of that eye. Whether you find it unsettling or try to ignore it, the image is something you cannot get out of your mind. If you ask, you will discover that none of the locals of your faction saw another eclipse. Speak with your fellow Summoned, however, and you may learn that while there was no eclipse that formed over the world, you were not the only one who had this dream.
Of course, dreams don't need to mean anything. You can't feel or see any immediate effects, and nearly everyone around you is going about their day as usual. Maybe you should do the same.
The Awakening
It might happen that very morning or a day or two later. You could be discussing the dream with a fellow Summoned or perhaps you simply brush shoulders with them as you walk by. Whatever it is, as soon as you make brief physical contact, one of you is struck with a sharp pain in your temple that grows into a terrible headache. It's disorienting and painful as the world around you shifts to someplace you may or may not recognize. Like an old film reel, you watch the events of the past play out before you: the past of the other Summmoned. It might be something they would rather hide, a moment of failure or despair, or something they are immensely proud of and brings them great joy - or even a jumble of several images over the course of a person's life. But you see it as if it were real and right in front of you all the same. When you come to, you'll likely find yourself on the ground or bent over, possibly with one or more people around you to see if you're okay. It'll take you a bit to gather your bearings, and the subsequent pounding in your head could last from minutes to hours.
Or, maybe you aren't the one who receives the vision. Instead, as you watch, another Summoned might grasp their head and crumble in front of you. They may go silent or groan in pain. They'll be impossible to shake out of their stupor until it's over. If you ask what happened, they may be inclined to tell you the truth - that you, you were what happened to them.
Or, if your Arcana signs happen to line up in a specific way, you'll see each other in the shared memory itself. You may also find that for certain Summoned, you can help soothe the effects, calm their emotions, or help draw them out of the memory before it consumes them for too long. It's not entirely clear what determines which effect, but one thing is for certain - within each memory, every Summoned as they appear in the past seems to wear the mark of their Arcana somewhere on their person.
For some, they might experience this only once. For others, they might experience it multiple times: with the same person, with several other Summoned, or with a different memory each time. Over the next 7 days, you'll find the Summoned around you are all receiving a glimpse into each other's past, as if the Singularity has awoken an eye within each of you.
Flee for the safety of the Horizon if you want, but you'll find that in there, it's much the same. In fact, inside the Horizon, the other Summoned don't even need to be anywhere near you - just existing in the Horizon space itself together will be enough to possibly set off a headache-inducing vision.
Or, maybe you aren't the one who receives the vision. Instead, as you watch, another Summoned might grasp their head and crumble in front of you. They may go silent or groan in pain. They'll be impossible to shake out of their stupor until it's over. If you ask what happened, they may be inclined to tell you the truth - that you, you were what happened to them.
Or, if your Arcana signs happen to line up in a specific way, you'll see each other in the shared memory itself. You may also find that for certain Summoned, you can help soothe the effects, calm their emotions, or help draw them out of the memory before it consumes them for too long. It's not entirely clear what determines which effect, but one thing is for certain - within each memory, every Summoned as they appear in the past seems to wear the mark of their Arcana somewhere on their person.
For some, they might experience this only once. For others, they might experience it multiple times: with the same person, with several other Summoned, or with a different memory each time. Over the next 7 days, you'll find the Summoned around you are all receiving a glimpse into each other's past, as if the Singularity has awoken an eye within each of you.
Flee for the safety of the Horizon if you want, but you'll find that in there, it's much the same. In fact, inside the Horizon, the other Summoned don't even need to be anywhere near you - just existing in the Horizon space itself together will be enough to possibly set off a headache-inducing vision.
The Factions
What has occurred between the Summoned will not go unnoticed within the factions. While it's difficult to say how faction officials have picked up what's happening, it'll be obvious they do know.
In THORNE, characters will be asked to remain in the castle walls until further notice. Characters will not be allowed to leave the castle grounds, not even to go into the surrounding city, and anyone who is already outside will be requested to not leave again as soon as they return. If asked, they will be told it's for their own safety, given the Singularity is behaving unpredictably and the Summoned have a unique connection to it. Soothing potions and healers are on hand to offer assistance, if anyone is particularly suffering from ill effects.None of the factions appear to be doing much more than keep a watchful eye on the situation - but as the week comes to a close, officials will start making a decision as to what they want to do and how to handle the Summoned who have demonstrated this unforeseen connection to the Singularity.
In the FREE CITIES, characters will find the army by the outposts show more activity than usual. A higher number of guards will patrol the streets throughout the event, particularly in areas frequented by the Summoned. Anyone who publicly and visibly experiences the effects of the memory share (pain, doubling over, etc.) will be offered assistance by the guards. They are generally there to help, but they are also there to maintain order and ensure anyone behaving erratically due to this incident is properly contained. This might include confinement for a day or two if anyone is especially posing a risk, but no one will be punished except in the most extreme cases, as the locals are aware this is not within the control of the Summoned.
In SOLVUNN, the locals will be watching what's happening with a mixture of trepidation and curiosity. Host families and neighbors will be on hand to help with charms meant to offer protection, as well as general care and assistance (soup, blankets, and so on) if your character seems to be especially under the weather or afflicted by the event. Towards the end of the event, more elders and mages will be out and about to check up on the Summoned to make sure they're doing okay. If asked, the mages will say they aren't sure what's going on, but that they are currently divining with the gods and hope to have a definitive answer soon in the upcoming days.
no subject
At this point, Ronan suspects it's not about the memories at all. Or rather, they're a very convenient excuse for Kylo to withdraw now that Rey's here. He's ghosting Ronan — as much as anyone can ghost a roommate — and waiting for Rey to come around. Maybe Kylo doesn't even realize he's doing it. Maybe it's just the kind of thing other people see, the way Bryde had seen what he was doing with Adam when it was something he couldn't admit to himself.
When Kylo speaks, Ronan draws his shoulders up and braces himself. This is probably where Kylo tells him they need some time apart. Further apart. Like, separate rooms apart. Yes, they don't know how long this could last. Maybe it's a forever kind of thing. It's been nice knowing him.
Ronan doesn't say anything. Kylo already knows what he wants and he's been perfectly happy to deny him every night.
no subject
Kylo's jaw works on reflexive, angry responses to the accusations Ronan doesn't loose on him in words— he doesn't need to use words to get in his blows, when Kylo is so desperately focused on finding a way to reconnect— but ultimately, he accepts the punishment without contest. He has wounded Ronan. He hadn't meant to, but it doesn't matter.
"I wanted to protect you," he offers. "Us. I thought I could find a way to control it. I have the power—"
But Ronan knows about his ability to retrieve memories so much more intimately now, having watched him employ his skills to tear information about the map from Dameron's head. Scream after tortured scream. Kylo's gaze falls away.
"I can't stop it happening. If I touch you... I'll hurt you, Ronan. And I don't... I don't want to hurt you."
no subject
"Ohhh," he marvels sarcastically. "This is for me."
He hates this. He hates being lied to, and especially being lied to by Kylo, who had promised all of himself. All of him except any part of him that's genuine, apparently. Hiding everything from his past to his name to the girl he's been in love with all this time.
How humiliating, to have fallen for it without even questioning it. Ronan had been so eager to find something real, he hadn't stopped to consider whether it was true. And now Kylo's jumping at the first excuse to leave him, to go chase the one that got away.
Ronan hugs himself tight because the only other option is tearing the room apart. He pulls his knees up to his chest and presses his forehead to them. Not this. Not today. He doesn't want to hear one single other goddamn excuse.
no subject
"Us," Kylo insists, desperation slipping into his voice. "You don't— Ronan, you don't know. Everyone. Everyone, who has ever promised to be with me. Anyone who promised me I wouldn't face it alone."
He exhales shakily, the attempt to steady himself audible.
"I thought I could make it irrelevant, here. But you can have it. If you want it. Not just whatever visions of my past the Singularity decides to show you. I'll give you what you want to know. Whatever you want to know. Right now."
no subject
"I want it all," he says, in a tone that suggests he's offended he even has to say it when he's already said it, when he meant it the first time. Either Kylo wasn't listening or Kylo didn't believe him. Both options make Ronan feel like shit.
"I'm not leaving you. Nothing you can show me will get rid of me. You can take that as a threat, Ben. Just because you gave your promise under a fake name doesn't mean you're not mine."
no subject
Kylo doesn't recoil physically, but Ronan doesn't need to feel the flow of the force to sense the way the sound of that name from his lips tears a fresh wound into the very core of him. He sucks in air as if struck.
"I gave you my name," he says.
Ben. It's almost enough to make him turn on his heel. Not just the name, but what it means— it's already happened. She's already filled Ronan's head with her idea, their idea of what he is. What he should have been. And Ronan, faced with two conflicting tales, has decided Kylo told him nothing but lies.
"I gave you everything I am. Everything I choose to be. But I'll show you Ben Solo. If he is what you want."
Kylo towers over Ronan now, close enough to reach out and touch. His chest shudders with every breath, pulse sharp as it slams through his veins, senses violently heightened. This won't be some vague, holographic record of Kylo's past, stripped of its emotional weight. When Kylo takes Ronan with him into his memories, it'll all be there. Everything he thought. Everything he felt. The sheer power and magnitude of the Force, always thundering at his back.
He gives Ronan just a moment of it now. Ben Solo lying awake in the dark, the moment of his execution still years ahead. Everyone else is asleep, and Ben... he's so furious with them for it and he can't even articulate why...
no subject
Ben. Saying the name wounds Ronan just as much as it wounds Kylo to hear it. He regrets drawing that blade already, having done nothing with it other than cut the both of them. But he's not afraid of the retaliation for that strike. Whatever Kylo intends to thrust into his mind, he's ready for it.
And here is a familiar vision. Familiar because he has been this boy, lying alone in the dark while the rest of the world slept peacefully. It never seemed fair to be the only one. Why, he had asked himself over and over, was there no one else like him? He wishes he had known that — a universe and several galaxies away — there was another boy who felt it, too. They were chased by different monsters in the dark, but this resentment... Yes. He understands.
no subject
This isn't easy for Kylo. Unlike the cinematic quality of the visions thrust upon them by the Singularity, Kylo's memory skips and shivers between fractured, scattered scenes, a childhood in pieces jumbled out of order despite Kylo's determined efforts to drag Ronan with him through the experience of it.
There are broken things everywhere whenever the young Ben Solo is frustrated. Heavy golden sabacc dice fly into his stubby-fingered hand just because he wants them. Moments of softness (he nestles into the warmth of thick auburn fur) flicker past with memories of reaching, distraught, and being denied. There are towering spires and shining domes, the blaze of sublight engines as spaceships burst through the atmosphere and leave him behind.
The boy Kylo remembers being is too frequently the last of his parents priorities, a problem neither of them know how to fix, a danger they argue about when they think he can't hear. But he can do so much more than hear, and he can't make it stop. Every moment of his childhood he can dredge up is drenched in all the fear and uncertainty he can feel whenever his parents look at him, none of it ever discussed. There's no comfort, here. No safety, only empty, soothing words that never match the turmoil beneath, important work that leaves a child already fearful feeling unimportant, unwanted, unheard. And there's a voice...
Kylo's fingers curl where they reach towards Ronan's temple, his lips pressing firmly together. If Ronan wants Ben, fine. Here he is. Weak, inadequate, terrified. He's not even ten years old, and already he knows he isn't what they want him to be. In the void where all the secrets his family are hiding from him should be, the voice stirs. (The ruined face smiles. The withered hand tips his chin, cups his cheek. Bitter tears burn his eyes.) Snoke knows. Snoke knows it all. What he really is. Why they're all so afraid. And they're right to be afraid. They're right to want him limited, stunted, because if he ever chose to claim his true power, (Fire rends the skies and strikes the temple, setting it ablaze.) he'd obliterate them all. He isn't kind. He isn't good. He's soured already. The Ben Solo that Rey imagined she could rescue, a worthy custodian of the old Jedi's name and the hope of the fledgling New Republic, champion of the Light?
He'd never existed at all.
Kylo shudders.
"More?" he hisses, seething with the exertion and the strain of pushing back into a past he wants nothing more than to leave behind. The humiliation of it all is crushing. "What would you like to see next. The years. Years I spent trying to crush myself into the shape they wanted, knowing it was never going to be enough. Luke? Ren? Snoke? Which of my failures, all these vital secrets I've been keeping from you... which shame do you want me to feel for you now?"
no subject
When Ronan looks at him again, his face is streaked with tears. His cheeks are flushed hot with humiliation. His stomach is in knots. It's impossible to discern whether these emotions are his own or whether the memories have summoned them, but it's not important, because he feels them all the same.
Though Ronan's sorry he asked for this, Kylo's wrong about the reason. He wasn't hoping to see the life of Ben Solo, hope of the fledgling New Republic and champion of the Light. The only person he wants to know is the one standing before him. Ronan would love him no matter how ugly the truth is.
But the last thing he wants to do is hurt Kylo. If this is forcing him to relive all the worst parts of his life, Ronan won't keep dragging him through it.
"Look," he pleads, his voice brittle. "Look at me now. I'm not asking you for anything I wouldn't give you. We're both fuck-ups. You think I never disappointed anyone? You think I never scared the shit outta them? Look and see."
no subject
"I wasn't a fuck-up," Kylo snaps, his eyes glassy as he lets his attention slide away from his past and fall back into the present. But, despite the risk and the heated misery lingering from his memory, he reaches to cradle Ronan's face in his palm and wipes tears from his cheek— breath shaky with a strange kind of relief when neither of them is suddenly catapulted into the other's past. The trembling tenderness is a rebellion. This is what he chooses.
"I wasn't. And neither were you. We were trying to be something that wasn't meant for us. Because it hurt, not being like them. And we thought if tried hard enough..."
He lets all the air in his lungs rush out, his shoulders slumping as he holds Ronan's gaze. His hand falls away before his touch can tear them away from this moment, right here. The truth of exactly who they are choosing to be, breath to breath.
"They were happy to let me deform myself trying to please them," Kylo says, bitterly. "You... you were the first person who saw me and didn't want something else. You saw my face. You called my name. And it only meant me. You wanted me."
no subject
At the same time, he's glad. He's glad because this is an opportunity to prove himself. Kylo might never have learned otherwise.
"I still want you," Ronan says, meeting his eyes. "I'll always want you."
He snatches at Kylo's hand to draw it to his lips, to press a fervent kiss to his knuckles. It doesn't matter to him if they fall into another memory. Ronan would show him everything, would show him how their histories rhyme.
"I hate that she knows things about you that I don't. It pisses me off that you had a life without me. I know that doesn't make sense, but it's not fucking fair that it took so long for me to find you, and all this stuff happened to you and I wasn't there. I wish I could have been there with you."
no subject
Still sparking with residual panic from the sweetness of Ronan's promise, sealed with a kiss that could so easily have triggered a memory brutal enough to make anyone regret speaking those words, Kylo doesn't quite know what to make of the desperate longing he can feel hanging all around them.
Is it purely his own? It could be. His heart, sore with its freshly examined wounds, aches with how desperately he wants exactly what Ronan suggests: an alternative history where he never learned what true loneliness is, where he had the antidote of Ronan's fearless companionship all along.
But there's more. Kylo can see it in Ronan's eyes, now— very nearly a plea. His breath catches. And slowly, deliberately, Kylo reaches out his hand to touch him again, exhaling with an incredulous scrape of a laugh when yet again the dangerous effect fails to materialise on cue.
Of course. Kylo's thumb strokes affection over Ronan's cheek. He's missed this, so much, and for what?
"What things she knows about me that you don't?" he asks, far more softly now. "You and I have spent more time together now than she and I ever did, and before her..."
He sighs, abandoning the thought. He'd rather chase this one, anyway: the nudging sensation that Ronan has something he wants Kylo to see. It's proof, somehow. Evidence. It feels very much like Ronan's hoping for an opportunity to present his case. His mouth tugs at a corner.
"I don't like to think about you being without me either," he admits. "But not because you needed me. Because you didn't."
no subject
That's the thing. Kylo seems to think they've lived opposite lives, that there is some horror lurking in the darkness of his past that will jump out and chase Ronan away. But Ronan is the king of a nightmare realm. He grew up alongside monsters and shadows. When his magic fails to sustain the illusion and the delicate fabric of his physical being unravels, what's left of Ronan is only the blackest black.
He has always needed Kylo. He has always needed someone who wouldn't look away when the mask began slipping. Gansey wanted a Ronan who was joyful. Declan wanted a Ronan who was careful. Adam wanted a Ronan who was loyal. And none of them wanted the Ronan who was Ronan, the Ronan who was hungry. Ronan had needed someone to want him so bad that his imagination had stepped in to create that someone.
Kylo is the real thing. Kylo had seen this pitiful, starving creature and decided to give it a home. If Kylo had been with him all along...
"Look for yourself," he pleads, laying his hand over Kylo's to press his palm to his cheek, as if he could actually push Kylo to search his mind. Ronan knows he can do it. "Look at what I had without you. It wasn't a life. My life is you."
no subject
Kylo's breath is sharp at the edges, his eyes locked onto Ronan's face. Does he know what he's asking for? Hadn't he seen what it was like for Dameron, screaming in agony as Kylo tore his way into his thoughts?
"Ronan," he murmurs— but the rest of the protest never makes it past the lump in his throat. Ronan knows. Of course he knows.
"Show me," he breathes instead.
His eyes slide shut as he reaches, as smooth and careful as he knows how, seeping beneath the surface and permeating with slow, liquid persistence.
"Take me there."
no subject
It's easy because Ronan wants it to be. There's no secret he's trying to keep out of sight. Whatever part of him Kylo wants to examine, Ronan offers it up on a silver platter. Here, the blood spilling from his father's skull. Here, the blood spilling from his own wrists. Here, a fine-boned boy on a bicycle and a simple prayer: Please. Here, the same boy at the center of a labyrinth, telling him: This won't work. Here, a white Mitsubishi on fire. Here, an orange Camaro vanishing over the horizon. Ronan has such a collection of tragedies, the rewards for his endless inadequacies. Kylo can sample them all.
The memories don't even hurt anymore. Something in Ronan had broken the day he discovered he was so alone he'd invented an entire person to save him from his loneliness, and then even that was stolen from him when Hennessy extinguished the ley line.
He wasn't exaggerating when he said he had no life without Kylo. Loss after loss, failure after failure, until he walked into this room and found the man he'd always been looking for.
no subject
Kylo slides through each scene of loss Ronan offers up without commentary— pausing only once to take a shuddering breath of his own and steady himself. Ronan has been abandoned so many times. The fear of being something inherently unsuited for love, of being somehow intrinsically unworthy of it... here it is. Threaded right through his soul.
It leaves Kylo quiet. Wordless, he drops his outstretched hand and stoops down, scooping Ronan up into his arms and pressing him close to the fierce beat of his heart. He doesn't know how else to crush the fire he feels into him but this. He has no other proof of his intent to offer.
But someone else knows, now. Everything Ronan's been carrying. And, Kylo vows silently with every heaving breath, he will fight every distortion Ronan has ever accepted as the truth and prove every fear a lie. If he can't feel that promise now, if the message can't be carried in the strength of his hold... it doesn't matter. Kylo will lay the evidence of his actions at Ronan's feet. Every day.
"If I had been there," he murmurs eventually, an answer to a question Ronan never voiced: "More of them than you would want... would have been dead by my hand."
no subject
Because all he'd ever needed was someone to stand beside him. Someone who would choose to stay with him. Kylo may not be able to shield him from every injury, but he always eases the pain. They would have gotten through all of it together and so many of the worst memories would never have even happened.
Here and now... it doesn't matter that they did. Ronan's arms coil tight around Kylo, ensnaring him. Here, they finally have each other.
Laying his cheek against Kylo's, he murmurs, "Don't ever hide from me. We've lost too much to lose each other on purpose. Do you get it? Nothing you've ever done could be worse than not having you."
no subject
Kylo's pulse never quite steadies, spiking again at the last. His grip tightens.
"My own family tried to have me killed because of what they believed I might do," he reminds Ronan quietly. "And they failed. And I did all of it. Everything they feared. You aren't a killer, Ronan. But I am. Many times over. It isn't simply something I have done. It's what I am. What I chose to be. That's what she couldn't accept— do you understand? I wasn't going to stop. I wanted them dead. Gone. All of them. They deserved to die. They deserved to suffer. That's who I am."
no subject
There's no fear in Ronan's heart, no disgust at these revelations. True to his word, there's no part of him that wants to reject Kylo because of his confession. He's only glad that Kylo's finally saying it.
He presses a kiss to Kylo's cheek before drawing back just far enough to look into his eyes.
"Everything you are... The best and the worst of you... I don't just accept it, Kylo, I love it. I love you." Touching his forehead to Kylo's, he sucks in a breath, realizing he's said it out loud yet not regretting a word. He adds softly, "Let me love all of you. Okay? Just let me."
no subject
It's so painfully, faithfully sweet, the sentiment carried in the words so earnest and true. Kylo breathes, quiet, distantly aware that the reason it was so easy for him to recognise Ronan's fear of being proven incompatible with love is his own, stirring now in response to Ronan's plea.
"Can you?"
Kylo certainly isn't confident of it. Ronan's intention, he's sure of. He has no doubt that Ronan believes every word. But...
"I killed my father."
There. It's done.
no subject
Kylo is a murderer.
Kylo murdered his own father.
Ronan's heart is breaking. He can't imagine doing it. Niall Lynch had been a scoundrel, a criminal and a liar, but Ronan had loved him more than anyone else in the world. There's nothing that could have possibly driven Ronan to kill him. It's an inconceivable scenario. Yet Kylo had found himself in that very situation.
It's too terrible to fathom. Fresh tears spill down Ronan's cheeks, and when he finally exhales, it's something close to a breathless sob.
"I'm so fucking sorry."
Useless words. The best he has to offer when it comes to describing this feeling. He is so fucking sorry Kylo had to do that, that he's had to live with it, that he's had to carry it as a secret. It feels like something Ronan should have sensed. How could he have not felt it all this time?
His arms loosen their hold and drop away, and instead he takes Kylo's face in his hands. Some part of him expects to fall into the memory, bear witness to the deed itself, but it doesn't happen. It's just the two of them here. He tempts fate again when he brushes a kiss to Kylo's lips, clumsily seeking out some way to reassure him. What can possibly ease a burden this heavy? Nothing.
no subject
It's so far from the response he was expecting that Kylo isn't sure what to do with himself. Mute, he sucks in air, watching the tears welling up in Ronan's eyes as if bewitched by them. Perhaps the strange, twisting feeling he's seized by is a kind of envy? He doesn't know. It's just that crying feels like it would be so much simpler than carrying the complex tangle of shame and rage and loss that's been his only reward for carrying out the killing he was promised would bring relief.
"She saw me do it," he says eventually. It's an explanation of sorts, if Ronan knows how to piece it all together— Kylo frequently forgets that no-one else can follow him, when he stops putting his thoughts into words. This is why Kylo didn't want to risk Ronan seeing something inexcusable.
"That's why she tried to kill me. And she still..."
His gaze drops away.
"She doesn't understand."
no subject
"I want to."
His thumbs stroke Kylo's cheeks, trying to soothe away an emotion that hasn't even touched his features. There's nothing to read in his expression, yet Ronan sees pain there anyway, and he wants to ease it.
"I'm not like her, Kylo. You can tell me everything. Every fucked-up thing about you."
The truth doesn't push Ronan away. It only pulls him closer. Kylo must have realized that much at least. Ronan has never loved him more than he does right now.
no subject
The barest tic of a smile tugs at Kylo's mouth. His eyes slip shut. He leans, just a fraction, into the gentle touch of Ronan's hands.
"It won't make sense," he sighs. "I could tell you that I believed it would set me free. I could tell you how angry it made me to see him there, finally, in the flesh. After all those years he never came — either of them, neither of them ever came — and there he was. Like he could have been, any time he chose. But you don't know... there's so much you would need to know. And for what? What would be gained? He's dead."
Kylo swallows. He meets Ronan's gaze, steady despite the glassy quality to the darkness of his eyes.
"I killed him for nothing at all."
no subject
Ronan doesn't know what he'll do if he ever sees Declan again, but it would be a lie to say that killing him isn't a possibility. As long as his brother lives, Ronan will always be looking over his shoulder. So it's very easy to understand, really, why Kylo would believe killing his family would be the key to his freedom. They hunted him first.
"You did what you had to do," Ronan says, his voice brittle and strange to his own ears. "Even if it didn't work. I know you. You wouldn't have done it if you didn't think it was the right way."
For all the explosive heat behind Kylo's emotions, he has a mind that's much more measured than Ronan's. He weighs his decisions carefully. He works with what he's given. It's the one thing he has in common with Adam, and it's a quality that not only attracts Ronan but inspires him to trust Kylo with his life. Ronan may never know what to do, but Kylo always seems to.
He asks, even more quietly, "Would you do it again, now that you know?"