Viktor (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
techmaturgy) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
abraxaslogs2022-05-09 03:00 pm
techmaturgy) wrote in abraxaslogs2022-05-09 03:00 pm
[open] may catchall
Who: Viktor and special guests and YOU
When: throughout May
Where: Cadens, the Horizon
What: open stuff, closed stuff, quest stuff, general nerdery, horizon visits, whatever I WANT
Warnings: the usual references to terminal illness, will list additional warnings as needed.
[open and closed starters in comments! If you want a custom starter or something specific, just hit me up. full horizon details are here for any and all wildcarding needs. For everything else, I’m on plurk at ![[plurk.com profile]](https://plurk.com/favicon.ico)
whitticus and on discord at whitticus#8139.]
When: throughout May
Where: Cadens, the Horizon
What: open stuff, closed stuff, quest stuff, general nerdery, horizon visits, whatever I WANT
Warnings: the usual references to terminal illness, will list additional warnings as needed.
no subject
But, Viktor can't pretend, not anymore. Despite their previous arguments where they ostensibly cleared the air, he's thinking differently about their relationship, now, and can't shake the fraught situation of their homeworld. The argument about Hextech weaponry. The bridge. The insidious thought that he can't fully trust Jayce, entangled in the Council as he was. How can he be so sure that's gone? They're uncharitable thoughts, given everything they've worked out so far and the devotion Jayce has shown him the entire time they've been here, but Viktor knows they won't fully be resolved until he knows the truth.]
Yes, I'm fine. Well--
[For a moment, when Jayce looks at him like that, he dares to hope that he'll guess what this is about, and tell him. Don't make me force this out of you, he thinks. I want to think you'd tell me of your own accord.]
It's about what I saw in your memory. I've been going over it, in my--in my head, trying to determine where I went wrong with the Hexcore, but I keep--I'm distracted by something else, instead. [He doesn't say that he's bringing it up because he's not sure how much longer he can stand ignoring what increasingly feels inevitable. Viktor owes it to himself to get the truth, before he does anything rash. Stop stalling. They'll both be better for it if he simply rips off the bandage.] That hammer...it was Hextech, wasn't it?
no subject
He should have expected this question and yet Jayce is incredible at deceiving himself, so he is surprised. Since he is so expressive, there is no missing the way that question hits him. He freezes in place, eyes widening, and goes pale. The thing is, this is so much more than him making a weapon, it's something that he knows Viktor could never picture, never imagine. The worst thing he's thought is that Jayce made something he shouldn't have. And he's been avoiding it because more than anything, this means Viktor will see all of him. And he knows, to his core, he may not be able to love all of that.
Jayce swallows and backs up a step to sit back in the chair. That's how shaken he is about the fact he is not only going to have to face this again, but finally have to explain himself. Something he's never been able to do even to himself at this point. He closes his eyes and he wills the hammer into being nearby so Viktor can see it if he wants to. It is a massive hammer but the pieces of it of most interest are where the Hextech is clearly designed, even now, shining blue from its core. It looks so dangerous and intimidating.]
I made it for the same reasons gauntlets, at first. I thought it could be helpful in mines or doing heavy design work like the Hexgates.
[ The hammer wasn't made solely for violence, it was classic Jayce to design a hammer that represented the Talis family, planning on having it become popular for one thing or another. Vanity, maybe, and also at the time he was designing it, pride. It's so easy, how their inventions could be made into weapons. He didn't realize how easy until he did it for himself. But then when he started to modify it as more than just a hammer, into the explosion capacity, that should have told him. He should have stopped then. ]
I told you some things happened after our conversation. We found out Sheriff Marcus was bought by Silco, it's why we never knew what he was doing in the Undercity, how it was missed all that time.
[ Jayce started poking at it when the rest of the council simply let it go, and that made both Marcus and Silco nervous. He was right that something was wrong, that more was happening. Jayce can't look at Viktor or at the hammer, he rubs a hand across his chin. ]
He tried to kill Caitlyn while she was investigating, but Jinx killed him and all his Enforcers. It was a massacre. Caitlyn survived because of her new Undercity friend Vi, who came to the council and asked us to intervene with Silco.
[ All of this is necessary set up. It is going somewhere. It can't fully explain his state of mind. How he was going off the deep end. How Viktor's illness, Mel's mother, the rising deaths day by day, the responsibilities he wasn't ready for, his anger that he was as useless as Heimerdinger in the end, it was all adding up and he couldn't see straight. Caitlyn's near-death was a huge jumping-off point for him; she's as close as a sister to him, the fact she nearly died because he wasn't paying close enough attention and let her go off on her own was another thing that weighed on him. Like being blind to Viktor's illness, his constant failures for the people he loved. ]
The council refused.
[ But. But. ]
no subject
You thought it could be--who's meant to wield this?
[He says wield because the choice of words seems obvious to him. If the hammer is for miners, why isn't it a handheld object? This, with its polished gemstone in the center, is elaborate and cumbersome in a way that suggests an ordinary worker might not be able to handle it, at least not in the way the Atlas Gauntlets are designed. If it was meant for the same purpose, why not include Viktor in the development? While Jayce goes on, Viktor takes the opportunity to really inspect the device, in a way he obviously was unable to in the shared memory. He can see, almost immediately, the dual functions.
It doesn't surprise him that Marcus was bought and paid for, nor is it shocking that the Council didn't seem to know or care that Silco acted as the Undercity's kingpin. Even as removed from politics and Zaun itself as Viktor is, he at least has an understanding of Shimmer and the Chem-Barons and their iron grip on the city. He can't expect anyone topside to fully understand the dynamics of it, and it sounds like this Vi ran into the same hurdles. Of course the Council refused. They're probably in bed with Silco, too.
But he knows Jayce, and he knows he wouldn't find any of this acceptable. It's clear he took action, but to what extent? Viktor already understands that it must have been disastrous, just from Jayce's reaction alone. The question, then, is how disastrous. He looks up from the hammer, voice low and slightly dangerous.]
What did you do?
no subject
[ Maybe it was supposed to be symbolic, maybe he just had the idea and didn't have a purpose behind it. He didn't really plan on this going into an average worker's hands, but maybe he couldn't resist a Talis hammer. Or he's in denial and he always knew. It became clear though, by the time he decided to make it into a weapon, that it was always going to end up there. It's made for him. There is no doubting it now, looking at it, that he was designed with his hands in mind. His hands, his power.
The hammer is a perfectly crafted weapon. Not only as something to be slammed, but there are blast options within it, that he used as a launcher of dangerous energy. It's beautiful in a horrible way, and the kind of thing that anyone with an eye for violence would want it. Goro, for example, would probably kill for a weapon like this. It would suit him too. Maybe that's why Jayce so quickly reacted to the man, because he sees the same road to this.
It isn't surprising to Viktor, but it was shocking to Jayce. He didn't think Marcus would do that, he was so naive. He was naive from the start, thinking he could go onto the council and change things, that he could just make his city better by sheer willpower. That's what Jayce does, he aggressively and passionately pushes things into being. But when he fell into his role, he learned quickly how helpless it made him at times. Especially toward the end, when all he felt was helpless and furious about it. ]
I pushed for action, I was the only one. Vi came and spoke to me later.
[ Vi saw in him an ally, the only possible ally for her in Piltover, since Caitlyn wasn't on board either. She mentioned Caitlyn trusted him to do something, but Vi could see he was like her in one way, his fury toward Silco, wanting to get even with him for everything he did. Wanting this all to end. She was right. Mel didn't support him in this. He has no idea what she's going to say about his actions, he didn't get that far yet. Viktor is the first person he went to after it happened.
Jayce still isn't looking at him, flinching at that tone. This is it, Jayce. He could try to lie but he wouldn't, not ever, not to him. And the reality is he did this and he has to pay for it. If he pays for it by losing the person he loves most in the world, he has to accept that. ]
She said if we took out the manufacturing facilities for shimmer it would cut off his power and his people would turn on him.
[ Jayce puts his elbows on his knees, leaning his head down into his hands, rubbing at his eyes. He doesn't know how to say what he has to say. He's been processing this, thinking maybe he had enough time so he could put it into words, but now he's here and he can't. ]
I was so angry. I was so tired of doing nothing, or feeling helpless. Things were getting worse, Silco and Jinx kept killing and destroying, and the Council wasn't going to do anything. I thought this was the only path.
[ And the hardest part is that Jayce's meltdown might have made logical sense, but the thing he can't account for, the thing that is haunting him, is how much he wanted to hurt someone. He never was a violent person before, he never felt that kind of hate and anger. When he was fighting them, it was like unleashing a part of himself he didn't know existed. ]
I was wrong, I know I was wrong. If I could go back ... that's why I've been trying to process this before talking about it, so I could explain. But I don't know what to say, there's nothing I can say.
[ Tears sting his eyes but don't fall, he closes them tightly. He still hasn't said it, hasn't admitted to the worst part. As if he could swallow it down and it would disappear. ]
no subject
[Viktor sounds wholly disappointed, as if he’s not sure whether to be angry or sad at the confession. He knows where this is going—knows Jayce well enough that the trajectory is easy to spot. Furious at the Council and otherwise feeling impotent, he jumped at the first opportunity to do something, and the worst thing is, Viktor can’t exactly blame him. Despite the weapon—despite the implied violence of his actions, he completely understands why Jayce would feel like he needed to do such a thing.
What hurts, then, is that Viktor’s warning hadn’t been enough. It had been their last conversation, he guesses, and he’d told him, explicitly, that they didn’t need to do this, or make weapons, or attack the Undercity. Jayce may have felt like he had no choice (or, as he phrases it, that it was the only path), but Viktor knows better—he told him as much, and the idea that his words were ultimately meaningless in the face of so many other outside pressures guts him on the spot.
You can’t un-make a weapon. Surely the Undercity will escalate in response, as if the attack on Progress Day wasn’t bad enough. Surely the Council will want it, if they know it exists. Will want more of it. Different kinds. Everything that Viktor feared would become of their technology during their argument with Councilor Medarda. His one modicum of solace comes from the fact that all of this is a literal world away, at this point, but it doesn’t change the fact that Jayce built a weapon with their technology and, apparently, used it. To Silco, this most certainly would have been a declaration of war. There’s no taking it back.
Viktor approaches him, moving his hand like he’s deciding whether or not to tilt Jayce’s head up to look at him. It hovers, awkwardly, as he pulls his lips tight and his eyebrows pinch together, trying to comprehend the weight of what feels like betrayal.]
How long did you need to process? [He’s been here almost two months, now, and had been perfectly content to throw himself into all manner of things—work, magic. Distractions. To make matters worse, he’s been perfectly content to confront Viktor about his own dishonesty. It occurs to Viktor that maybe, some part of Jayce hoped he’d never have to bring it up, and they could start a new life here and never have to address it.] When were you going to tell me this? You can’t have possibly thought it would just go away.
no subject
The questions are fair and he sighs, dropping his hands away, looking down at the ground. He swallows around the lump in his throat. ]
It hasn't gone away, for me.
[ It's in his paranoia about Goro, about his conversations where he's discussed tensely how dangerous tech can be with the wrong person, his anxiety around them being thrown into a war soon. He's seen children that remind him of the boy, he's actually been reacting normally to the trauma he created, by parts of him changing. Focusing on healing and creating, getting back to the person he wanted to be instead of the person he became, it was all a reaction to his worst acts.
He's not a good liar but he is good at micromanaging and at focusing on one thing he wants to think about rather than all of it. That sort of sharp mind for hyper-focusing on a project helps when there's a lot going on in his life, much of it he wants to forget. ]
I was going to tell you when I had the words, but.
[ Jayce takes in a deep breath and lets it out, finally glancing halfway at him. Carefully, quick to dart his eyes away if he has to, and the pain and guilt is there, eating him up. ]
There's a darkness in me that I didn't know existed and now it'll never go away, it's a part of me. I'm not who I was before.
[ Just by the reality of him becoming a killer, him using their technology and his power to harm others, and enjoying it for even a few seconds, means that Jayce can't pretend he's the same person. He'd like to. Even if he manages to get back in touch with his better self and hold onto it, he knows it'll never be fully innocent again. Jayce doesn't have a high self-esteem, despite liking his ego stroked, but he did think he was overall a good person. He knew he tried, he knew he did better than most. He couldn't imagine a version of himself that would start a fight with an overpowered Hextech weapon and murder people, including an innocent boy. ]
The worst thing you were going to do was experiment on yourself to save your life, and I ---
[ Jayce stands and moves over to where his tools currently hang. This is exactly where he was when Vi came in to get him to join her plan. He remembers how he felt in that moment, how righteous it all seemed. And she's not wrong, She wasn't wrong in anything she said, not really, which is why he let her keep the gauntlets, something he also doesn't know how to explain. A violent Undercity person has their invention as her weapons, Jayce let that happen, whatever she does with it is on him too. Is there no end of the ways he's failed?
His hands are shaking slightly when he puts them down on the table, steadying himself, back to Viktor, pushing himself to get to this next part. But the words are a struggle. Once he opens the door to that darkness, for Viktor to see, it can't be closed. ]
I killed people, Viktor.
[ People. Not one person. Multiples. ]
He had Shimmer-high guards there, we fought, but they were no match for a Hextech weapon. If Piltover gets those weapons, they'll all die. I understand that now.
[ Viktor was right. Mel was right. Jayce was the wrong one. ]
no subject
[This isn't good enough. Viktor is more than disappointed, now, tipping over the edge into outright angry. The confession is awful enough; the fact that Jayce was hiding it on top of everything else is nearly too much for him to process. There's still a part of him that sees Jayce like this--so distraught, so uncertain of who he is and shaken by what he's done--that wants to comfort him, close the distance and open his arms to him even though he doesn't deserve it. Isn't that what he would want, if their roles were switched? Some measure of reassurance, even in the face of such a terrible mistake.
Not who he was before, or simply, not who either of them thought he was? Their roles would not be switched, the more callous side of him supplies, because Viktor would never do something like this. He's sure of that much.
He tries to push any misplaced sympathy aside and compose himself, knowing that getting angry and yelling (even if he thinks he has the right to) isn't going to accomplish anything. Still, it's hard not to want this--to make Jayce fully aware of how betrayed he is, not only in the matter of their ideals, but in their friendship, as well. He could go on, about how all of this just proves his point, about the information he withheld back home, but all he can think about is how Jayce made a weapon, went into the Undercity and attacked a factory, with little thought for what that actually means.]
If Piltover gets the--you're Piltover, Jayce! I don't know why you haven't realized that!
[It's done, now. The weapon was made, and used, and there's no going back from that. The people who will suffer the most for it are those in the Undercity. They both know it.]
no subject
No, I'm destroying it. I'll destroy all of Hextech before I let more weapons be made of it.
[ With the Hexcore being destroyed too, something Viktor wanted, and with Viktor's death coming, maybe that's how it should be. The first response he had when these attacks happened was to shut down production of everything Hextech, and now he thinks that he should have insisted on it. If Heimerdinger was right all this time, that is a tough pill to swallow. He turns to lean on the work station, looking down at his feet. It's clear he means it, he would trade his life's work to stop more deaths in a heartbeat. ]
I was on my way to meet Silco before I came here. He agreed to negotiate after ... I guess it's true he only responds to power.
[ It could be a trap but Jayce doubts it, despite everything to the contrary. He thinks Silco wants to meet him face to face, to see the head of Piltover. Like Viktor said, he is Piltover. He hasn't been removed from the council yet, which means he has the image of power a little longer. Long enough to negotiate. ]
I was going to give him everything he wanted. Independence for Zaun, trade routes, whatever led us to peace. It's either that or war, and if a war happened ....
[ Piltover is not who would suffer for it. Even if Jayce managed to destroy all of Hextech, they were still better equipped, more dangerous, more money, more power. They'd been in this conflict for long enough. Jayce knew it was the last chance they had, he was going to force the council to listen, somehow. They claimed to want peace, so maybe drastic changes were the only way. If that was the last thing he managed to convince them of, then he'd be glad. His short-lived career would have been worth it, if only peace between the two nations could be done.
This has been under Jayce's skin all this time. He's good at ignoring it, good at being in denial, but other people have picked up on it, an undercurrent of sadness. Usually caught when he wasn't paying attention, when he wasn't aware enough to put on a show or get caught up in anything else. ]
I'm sorry. I was a coward, not telling you. I was afraid you'd look at me the way I look at me.
[ Jayce has always struggled with weak self-esteem but he's never actively hated himself before, and now he does. He thinks about that child. Even if he convinced himself the soldiers attacked first, which they didn't since he went down there to attack them, but it can't excuse him from that. All he can hear is Vi telling him that was just one kid, and how chilling it is to someone as naive and stupid as he is, to think one child is monumental when apparently they die every single day down there.
It's too late now. The damage is done and the vision is clear. Jayce still wants to hide, but he knows that instinct is wrong. He pushes off the table and finally looks at Viktor, bleeding internally and there's almost an emptiness in his eyes. They are in the Horizon so he glances over to the wall and a door appears. ]
There's something ... I can't put into words.
[ He doesn't think he'll ever have those words. The 'I killed a child' words. He remembers the scene well. Jayce dreams about it too frequently to forget.]
I'm not going to lie by omission anymore. If you go in there ... you'll see the aftermath of what I did. And whatever that means for us ... for our partnership, I'll understand.
[ It's one thing to hear Jayce say he killed people. It's another to see it. He knows that. It's why he's pulling that last band-aid off and letting the injury bleed out. ]
no subject
[Jayce might have been the defacto leader, but Viktor highly doubts the others would have accepted these terms--it gives Silco everything. Surely it wasn't what Councilor Medarda wanted, when she planted the idea of Hextech defenses in Jayce's head. But even this, well. A vigilante assault is a step beyond. He's always known that his partner was fairly suggestible, but this is beyond anything he could have comprehended. It's disappointing in ways he doesn't think he can measure.
One of many incredible things about the Horizon is the way it can recreate, though right now Viktor desperately wishes he didn't have to see this, recreated verbatim from memory. Viktor is a little more desensitized to violence than he might let on, given where he grew up, but walking through the door and being faced with all of this wreckage--by Jayce's hand--is is overwhelming. He understands immediately why it's too difficult to put into words as his gaze travels from the tanks of Shimmer to the ruined Chemtank suits, to a small body, easily overlooked. Guards are one thing. This is something else entirely.
Viktor is highly aware that anything he says now can throughly break Jayce, if he chooses it. Maybe that's what Jayce wants, at this point.]
You are a coward. I just-- [His voice lowers, and Horizon-made attempt to rid himself of his illness falters. Viktor looks, all at once, how he does in the real world, and sounds more exhausted than anything else. Defeated. This is not the first time he's seen the body of an Undercity child in a factory. Sometimes he thinks about how the only reason he avoided such a fate was because he literally couldn't work in the mines. Then it all caught up to him, anyway.] --I don't know what you thought would happen.
no subject
[ Jayce experienced them sitting around talking about how important peace was, when he went rogue. He hopes they meant it, that when faced with a controversial but optimistic option, they'll take it. He suspects there will be a long fight beforehand and it won't be a quick conversation, but it will be the last thing he does with them. He doubts he can keep his position, he'll probably be lucky if he isn't arrested. Jayce knew his future was bleak, so this was the only thing he had left to do, with Viktor having told him it was over on his end.
Jayce wasn't ready for violence at all. This is someone who got sick at the sight of blood, and recently witnessed more violence than he ever imagined. In the moment, he didn't care that he was causing it, but afterward he saw the very thing that made him sick usually, and knew it was his own hands that did it. He meant it when he said he is different now. The opposite of desensitized, in a way, because experiencing it didn't make it any less horrifying for him.
He thought that, about the child. How easy it would have been for Viktor to have been that kid, if his life was different. Jayce could have tried to skip over this detail, but he knows it would only eat at him later, that he kept one more thing from Viktor. Now it's done.
Jayce is ready to get broken, as sensitive as he is, and he flinches just from Viktor calling him a coward, which he already called himself. He goes back to being unable to look at him, eyes stinging with unshed tears, crossing arms against his chest in a gesture almost self-soothing, but it won't work. ]
I thought we would destroy the Shimmer factories and rob Silco of his power, and like Vi said, his people would turn on him, and we'd find a way to make peace with whoever his replacement was. She wanted us to keep going. I ... [ At this point, what does it matter, he's said so much already. ] let her keep the gauntlets she borrowed for the fight. She said I would have to kill her to get them back.
[ Jayce couldn't stomach another body, especially not another 'trencher' as she said. He knows that means a Hextech weapon is out in the wild, and it's his fault, because he let her have them in the first place and then disappear with them. Really he was a disappointment all around, he knows that. The mistakes at this point counted up to the reality it's not a mistake, it's a series of bad choices. ]
I was very stupid and ignorant and naive. I thought it would be as easy as getting rid of Silco and everything would be better right away. Like he was the only problem.
[ Jayce has learned a great deal lately. Chief among them, that he knew nothing about anything. Like many people from the privileged side of their home, he could do that, have his head in the clouds. Vi called him out on that and she was right. He's been grounded to earth in a way nothing else could have, smashed down into reality. ]
I'm so sorry, V. [ He finally snaps, his knees shaking so he has to sit heavily, swallowing through a hard throat and his eyes burning. ] I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I'm still me, but I'm also the person who did this.
no subject
[He waves a hand angrily--dismissively. The Council is gone, more-or-less, and whatever is happening back home is proceeding along a timeline they no longer belong to. Sure, perhaps there's a nonzero chance that others from their world might show up (he thinks, vaguely, that he might like to have a word with this Vi person--at least the two of them could speak with more understanding of the Undercity than Jayce), but so much of what's being said here is immutable. A world away. He can be as angry as he likes about the fact that there are two gauntlets (and, by extension, two gemstones) out there, somewhere, but there isn't anything he can do about it.
Maybe that's the most frustrating thing of them all. Jayce, for his part, seems to fully understand what he did, but once again, there's nothing either of them can do, and Viktor doesn't think he can stand to watch him wallow in self-pity, like he's doing now.
This time, when Jayce sits down, Viktor doesn't stop himself from closing the distance. He's angry, yes--furious, unable to determine whether or not he can continue to trust his partner, and he hates himself, for entangling himself with Jayce so intimately. How will their healing sessions go, now? Now that he knows the truth, and how it was hidden from him? And yet, here he is, standing in front of him, hands reaching out to provide comfort that he doesn't deserve, one palm coming to rest on his shoulder, the other tilting Jayce's face upward so that he has to look Viktor in the eyes.]
Indulging your self-loathing is easy. It does nothing to fix this--to prove to me that I can still trust your commitment to [Us] our dream.
no subject
Jayce doesn't expect Viktor to come closer to him and he actually flinches at the touch on his shoulder. Not because he doesn't want it, he always wants it, but he feels like he doesn't deserve it, that Viktor shouldn't be in the position of comforting him. But he can't shrug off a touch from Viktor at all, and he reluctantly looks at him. And regardless of the pain and sadness, of the guilt, there is so much love in the way he looks at Viktor. Love and regret, that his actions can taint all the good parts of his life. ]
I don't know what I can say, Viktor. I can tell you I'll never do it again, and I mean it, because I can barely live with what I've done as it is, but you don't have to believe me. If it means anything to you, I swear on my life --- no.
[ Jayce reaches up to capture the hand Viktor has on his face to tilt his head up, standing up. Gold-brown eyes directly meet his gaze now, no less pained, but with that conviction he's known for. ]
I swear on your life, which I value more than mine. I will never make a Hextech weapon or use our technology to create a weapon again.
[ He is only speaking the truth about where he ranks their importance. Everything he's done since getting here has been about saving Viktor's life. His every waking hour revolves around it. Healing magic, making money for them, getting connections at the academy to get information for Hexcore, it's all his obsession these days. While Jayce has had this same passion and fervor before, it has been more subdued lately, but he never thought he had to do something like promise to not kill people with their tech. Now he does.
He releases Viktor's hand since he knows better than to hold onto affection here, in this situation. What Viktor gives him is by his choice, Jayce can't ask for it. ]
I lost my way. I lost myself.
[ Like the Viktor in that memory said. Lost his dream. ]
It's not your responsibility to hold my hand while I figure out how to be a good person again. I don't want you to think you have to.
no subject
Then, the lying by omission. That's much harder to swallow, and he can't readily accept Jayce's own self-loathing as an excuse, not when he'd been so adamant that Viktor needs to be more honest about his own activities. Again, he senses the gulf between them that was most evident on the bridge, something brought about by their respective upbringings that he's not sure Jayce can understand. He's spent so long as seeing Viktor somehow separate from the Undercity that re-conflating the two in the aftermath of such an atrocity is likely a shock to the system. Viktor isn't sure they can ever really fix that.]
I don't want to hear that. I don't want you to ever think that your life is somehow worth less. [Jayce might be moving away from his touch, but Viktor isn't going to let him off that easy. He grabs at his collar, otherwise at a loss for how to vent his anger.]
You have been given...immense opportunity. [Even beyond what Jayce himself fought for, there's no denying all of his inherent advantages. Even a lower house in Piltover has more status than Viktor could ever hope to aspire to. Jayce is handsome, personable, physically able, to say nothing of his mind, which is a once-in-a-generation level of genius. Even if they manage to cure his illness, Viktor is sure that Jayce will outlive him--will have that much longer to change the world. To hear him wallow in self-pity is almost unbearable. It's too easy. It does nothing to actually fix any of this.] Do not waste it harming others and hating yourself.
[That does not, however, mean that Viktor won't hate him. He doesn't think he can bring himself to, but knowing it's an option is the only measure of power he thinks he has.]
no subject
He is surprised when Viktor grabs his collar and doesn't move, following the silent instruction to let him control this conversation. Again, it is not a case of being told the value his life better, but the disconnect of feeling that he can. It's complicated. ]
When I told Vi I was done with the mission, she said one dead kid was nothing compared to how life usually was down there. And that it's bad because of people like me who put our heads in the sand. That I've always been a part of the bad parts of the conflict because I didn't see it. And I know she's right. That you're right.
[ Maybe that's part of why he let her have the gauntlets. Here is someone who knew what the situation was and had the drive to actually do something about it. He doesn't think it was just that he didn't want to fight her, but because he was out of his league. Jayce has more awareness now of his culpability in the ongoing war, in his investigations into Silco he still had an us vs. them mentality. He's trying to unlearn it, unravel it. It's unfortunate this came at the expense of lives, for him to learn a lesson.
Jayce looks at him and shakes his head, eyes filling with tears.]
When we were in the middle of the fight, I felt this rush of euphoria in the middle of rage, maybe it was adrenaline, I don't know. I didn't notice the boy until it was too late, he got in the crossfire.
[ Jayce was in a state of pure anger and violence and only something as drastic as doing a horrible thing could shake him out of it. If the kid hadn't done that, maybe he would have continued. He doesn't know now. He just remembers what it was like, and the disgust he felt afterward at himself. ]
I didn't think I was capable of violence and cruelty. How can I not hate myself? Is there a manual for how to stop? I finally started liking myself before all of this.
[ He was too. He's always liked his intelligence and he felt great about their work. He was able to speak on Progress Day and he saw the crowd loving him and it felt like love, it made him feel like someone great. Then he was doing okay as a councilor, Mel was complimentary of his diplomatic skills, so he was feeling good about himself. Loving himself is a high ask, it's why he puts all his love at other people. ]
I have been doing everything I could since getting here to be a good person again. I've been working hard, studying hard, making things for people, doing helpful projects, being kind and making friends, all I want is to be my better self, the person you ... that everyone seemed to like and respect before.
[ Jayce wipes his eyes, looking away. He isn't going to put trying to save Viktor's life on that list because he would be doing that anyway. None of that has been about his penance or his guilt, it's necessity. But he has tried to act better. ]
What else can I do?
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This isn't about you, Jayce! [It's about the weapons--the breach of trust. The compromising of their shared ideals under what Viktor considers very little pressure. The dead child and the war that's certainly coming, as a direct result of one lapse in judgement.] You have to--you have to stop caring about what other people expect you to be and just, just do the best you can to leave the world better than how you found it. This is part of you, now, but it doesn't mean it's the only thing.
[He's exhausted. He can't manage Jayce's feelings on top of his own, and he thinks that if he indulges the conversation, they'll just go around in circles about it forever, because this is not something that he can fix--nor is it his responsibility to do so. He needs to extricate himself from this situation, but not before he says what he needs to say. This time, Viktor takes Jayce's face in both hands, pulling him close, almost forehead-to-forehead, as if forcing the proximity will help drive his point home.]
I care for you. [That's as close as he can get. Anything else, he isn't sure if he can believe, right now.] Very much. More than I have anyone else, I think. I believe that you're a good person who has made mistakes. But it isn't my job to tell you how to love yourself, not after you lied to me.
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It's not the only thing about him though, that piece. Because he genuinely wanted to make the world better, not only for that reason. He was full of hope and desire for change, it excited him, made him feel like he had a purpose. The approval of others was more like the icing on the cake of the greater idea, and he lost sight of that. He let the cheers and the flattery become more important than they should be. He meets Viktor's eyes again as he listens and takes it in and he nods, swallowing. ]
I want to help the world, change the world. I want to make things better for everyone. I swear I do want that still. I always have.
[ It got lost. And he got wrapped in self-loathing so he couldn't see a clear path back. He does not expect Viktor to grab him and pull him in close, startled and thrown off guard. Jayce's instinctively puts his hands on Viktor's hips to balance himself, but he drops them a moment later. This isn't his chance to take advantage of closeness. Viktor is making a point and there are few ways better to get Jayce's full attention than this. He's leaning into it, so starved, his eyes closing to take in the words. He's listening, he's just taking pieces while he can.]
You care for me.
[ He murmurs, echoes, repeating it to himself. He'll be reminding himself of that over and over for the next few weeks.]
You know how I feel about you, V. Of everyone's opinions, yours matter most to me.
[ As if it's a secret to literally anyone at this point, but Jayce has never outright referenced it. He's said I love you and it could mean everything, which it does for him, but it's different from the implication here. The way he feels. He knows Viktor saying he cares about him isn't the same thing. That could mean anything too. And it might seem insane to say that, considering he ignored Viktor's opinion and went off and did something rash, but it's still true. He thought maybe if everything went right, the ends would justify the means. But honestly, he wasn't thinking much at all. He was reacting.
Jayce gently puts his hands over Viktor's and pulls them off his face. They're still very close though, in each other's space in every other way. He holds them for a moment before letting them go.]
Don't tell me how to love myself. Tell me what I can do to make this right between us. I know I can't ... make what I did right, but ... is there any road to forgiveness with us?
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[Viktor knows why he might think otherwise--it's not like he's very forward about what he's feeling or thinking, but surely Jayce knows this to be true. Maybe he doesn't, though, and maybe that's part of the problem. Jayce craves validation more than anything else, so it must have been intoxicating, to finally meet someone who wanted to take action against an immeasurable number of injustices and compounding frustrations. A shame that it all came crashing down in the worst possible way.]
I don't--I don't know. I wish I had an answer. [The truth is that Viktor has already forgiven him--he can't imagine not doing so, not when their lives are so thoroughly intertwined and Jayce has been the only person that Viktor thinks could ever match him. He can't lose him, but he also can't be near him, right now. Jayce has some soul-searching to do, and Viktor isn't responsible for guiding him through it, not when he has his own feelings to consider.]
I need...time. And space. [As if to punctuate that, he unhooks his cane from his elbow and takes a step back, his expression pained, like he's forcing himself to do this for his own benefit.] I'm going to stay at Mags' for a few days. You can have the lab, I'll do some work in the library.
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[ Jayce doesn't know if that makes sense. Of course he knows intellectually that Viktor cares about him. If they were only working and research partners, they wouldn't spend so much time together. He knows how Viktor acts with every other person other than him, at least until he got here. Viktor's told him a lot lately about valuing him and finding him likable, and he's responded to all of that with the same kind of relief. Viktor would work with someone he doesn't care about, to his own ends, but they have always been more than that.
He values their friendship, more than anything else. That's good. Jayce can live with that, even if for a few seconds he thought maybe it was a different kind of care. That's asking too much. An answer too, is asking too much. If there is a path to forgiveness, it isn't going to come right now, when Viktor's still dealing with what he saw.]
No. Wait.
[ He says weakly, taking a step forward when Viktor moves away, but then he freezes and forces himself to step back again. Jayce responded emotionally, the denial more from that place, but now he swallows and lets his mind catch up. Jayce looks so plaintive. ]
It was your lab first. I have more work to do in the forge anyway, we've ... had a lot of orders lately. So you keep the lab.
[ Jayce doesn't want to be in there anyway without Viktor, it will be an exquisite kind of torture to be surrounded by everything reminding him. He's already going to struggle with that as it is. It feels like they're separating properties somehow, because they are. A few days at Mags could turn into a few weeks and then forever. His sad look turns into worry and mild panic. ]
V, we can't stop the healing. We've been doing the notes, I'm getting stronger by the day, we can't ... we'll just be professional about it.
[ No making it personal, no lingering looks or touches, it can be like any doctor and patient who barely knows each other. Jayce has spent all this time becoming a healer for Viktor, if his bad actions puts them back in their experimentation, he'll have really messed everything up. ]
Please, it'll take five minutes, I won't be ... it'll be nothing.
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Okay. If that's what you prefer.
[He just wants to go, at this point, not in the mood to litigate who's going to spend time where for as long as this goes on. It feels ridiculous, to be dividing up their shared life of only two months, like they're anything more than research partners. He doesn't really want the lab for the same reason Jayce will be avoiding it, but Viktor wants to end this and stop giving Jayce excuses to drag out the conversation and keep him around.
So he moves to leave, again, before Jayce brings up their healing sessions and his face screws up in a way that's obviously angry. He's tried to be as gentle as possible about this, even though he knows he shouldn't, but it seems now he has no choice but to be direct, as much as it might hurt.]
We both know that's impossible. [That's definitive. He understands the worry, and knows that they'll be ruining their methodical approach to managing his illness, but despite Jayce's assurances, it's not professional. It's not nothing. It's something, and that's part of the problem. Viktor is willing to forego minor pain relief if it means he gets the distance he so desperately wants, right now.] I don't want to see you. I'm asking you to respect this.
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Of course.
[ He says in a whisper, of course he'll respect that, of course he'll stay out of his way and be a ghost in every other place but where they can see each other. Jayce won't find reasons to bump into him or accidentally be places he is. He'll just disappear into his forge and room for the foreseeable future. Jayce turns away from him because he really does not want to watch him leave, and that is that. ]