[ The Jedi forbid attachments, but that went against everything he already knew and felt. He can at least understand that sex and romance aren't mutually exclusive, but it never felt that way for him. There was only ever Padmé in his mind, so separating the two is a bit more difficult. And look how well that worked out for him..
It's hard, knowing what will happen and how he'd failed that led to it. It doesn't stop the feeling of betrayal or that deep, selfish love he still feels. No one will ever be able to be that part of his heart again, that much he's positive of. ]
I've had other things on my mind.
[ Mat knows the answer to that question since they've shared a bedroom and sometimes a bed since the beginning. On the nights that Mat goes elsewhere is much the same as any other, pleasure has been on the backburner since coming to Thorne. Anakin's focus has been just living as he wanted without orders, without expectation, and learning more about his new home. It's not even that he looks down on it, he's happy that Mat is happy to lead his life as a hedonist. Can't fault him for his hookups or who he chooses to be in his bed. There's no harm in it.
That doesn't stop him from really thinking about the question though. ]
..I don't think I should answer that.
[ Certainly before coming here, and the times that he and his wife could meet to be intimate were few and far between. That, and she'd been very pregnant when he'd finished his last campaign so.. Yeah it's been a long time. Not really a great place to get your rocks off as a General in charge of a battalion that operates at all hours. Duty came before anything else. ]
Mmhmm. Look...s'not natural to keep all that pent up. You've got to drain the dam now and again. It's literally how we're made. You don't feel comfortable just messing around with someone you aren't sweet on, fine. Then just have at yourself. Take half an hour for you time.
[Mat can't imagine it taking any longer than that, certainly not for Anakin who's gone so long without that blissful release. But light does the fellow need it! Sort himself out proper.]
But I do encourage you to take a good hard look at your approach. You're denying yourself a great deal by limiting your physical pleasures. It's just as fun with a friend, I can promise you that.
It's not even that. I have only thought about one woman since I was nine. Not romantically, at first, but then what we had had to remain secret. In the midst of a war, there weren't many opportunities for alone time.
[ Anakin sets his drink down on the edge of the pool and sinks a bit further into the water. Thinking back on it, it hadn't seemed like an issue at the time because his mind had always been hyperfocused on the war effort or being able to see his wife where they could. He mulls over what Mat has to say, and honestly? He makes some valid points..
Why deny himself anything that he wants? Even now, he's still got the Jedi's ideals sitting in the back of his mind where he should be free of it. They're such a fundamental part of who he is that it's hard to let it go.. But he'd made his choice, what does it matter in the grand scheme of things? ]
[But Mat's laughing as he says it, and shaking his head with a sort of fondness.]
He hung his heart on one woman. A very fine and lovely woman I consider a friend, but light help him, the man let so many opportunities for fun pass him by....
[He isn't even referring to himself. It had never been quite like that, between him and Rand. How much of that was Rand's heart being claimed, he really doesn't know. There's a sense he gets, when a fellow may be interested, and he'd never felt that off of Rand. Despite the times they'd been assumed to be a couple. But he'd seen plenty of lovely ladies from Tarren Ferry or Long Field make eyes at his best friend to no results.]
Alright I can tell you from a great deal of experience. I only sleep with friends, and just as friends. Look at what I've got with Rhy, what I've got with Jesper. We always have fun, we fuck a great deal, but it's never messy or complicated because we're none of us in love with one another. I mean of course I love them both, same as I love you. As dear and beloved friends. You can love someone and sleep with them without it being romantic or an expression of romantic love. Look at it this way. Could you eat nothing but buttered bread, all your life? Buttered bread is wonderful, very tasty. But think of all the other things out there you could try...
It's not as if I don't know the distinction. Doing what I did, you experience a lot of different cultures and ways of life. I wasn't blind to it. It just wasn't for me since I was married and never had eyes for anyone else. She was everything to me, and I would have burned the world for her if that's what she wanted.
[ It hadn't been and things escalated from there, but that was the past and Anakin has no interest in scrutinizing what went wrong when things are so nice right now. He splashes his face with a bit of water, scrubbing at his eyes to help him focus on the here and now. No dwelling allowed. ]
I admit that it does sound appealing when you put it like that. Maybe where I went wrong was putting my entire soul into loving someone. I can't say that I'm going to be capable of keeping the two separate forever, but what's the harm in trying?
[Mat keeps the rest of his thoughts to himself. That sort of obsession...that's just dangerous. A fellow loses himself in someone else. He can't imagine it. Perhaps he's simply never loved anyone more than himself. Which is a neat trick, considering how much he loathes himself beneath it all.]
Look, despite my vehement commentary, we're not here to get into right or wrong. You did things...differently. You were living a different life. You're living this one now, and so you can do things you wouldn't have. So...what do you like?
[Seems the smartest place to start. He hasn't the faintest idea what Anakin finds attractive.]
What gets your blood up and your breath quick? Just the ladies? A certain type of lady? Hair color, eye color, that sort of thing?
[ Anakin frowns at the way Mat puts it. To him, it never felt like that. Who wouldn't have gone to the ends of the galaxy for the person that they loved? He is right, though. Anakin was living a different life before, and now he can choose something different. ]
You're right, I need to stop dwelling. [ He leans back, resting his head on the edge of the pool, staring up at the sky in concentration. What does he like? There are traits he finds admirable, but as far as physical appearance goes? From somewhere that extends past 'human', it's always easier to simply say 'personality'. However, between Padmé and his infatuation with Yennefer, it's easy to see the bias. ]
Someone who's passionate about what they believe in. Pretty eyes? Dark hair? I don't know that gender really matters to me.
You do realize you're just describing me, don't you? And if you don't know if gender matters, then it doesn't. You'd know if it did.
[That has been his experience, anyhow. Either the idea was rejected or the possibility was accepted. That makes things easier, anyhow. Always nice to have a wide pool to draw from.
Though he isn't certain if Anakin truly has a type or he's doing that thing where whatever's in eyesight gets into the mind. Mat's the only other living thing around, and he happens to have dark hair and pretty eyes. At least he thinks they're pretty.]
[ Anakin smirks, though his expression shifts to something more thoughtful. He studies Mat's face with more intensity than probably needed. He knows his friend is certainly handsome, but he'd never had to consider something like his own personal attraction to him before.
Huh. ]
When you're from a place where your options don't stop at 'human', it seems silly to be hung up by something like gender.
[ He doesn't really know if it's a type, exactly, but there has to be a little correlation, right? Mat is definitely easy on the eyes, and they're already friendly... ]
Suppose that makes sense. Don't have a variety of options where I come from, then being in a tiny village...my options were very slim indeed.
[Most of his dalliances were had at festival time, when all the little villages of the Two Rivers came together to celebrate. Sometimes there were as many as a hundred and half folks, all in one place! Of course that's hardly impressive now...]
And if that's your attempts at flirting, I should let you know, I'm no great lover of the coy approach.
[Either employing it or being on the receiving end. Just leaves too much up to interpretation and guessing. He hates having to dance around some double-layered conversation just to determine if someone's interested in a roll in the sheets or not. He'd assumed Anakin was not, and so never made much effort to test if he's right or not.
The fact that everyone is so limited, even in a place like this, is still strange to me.
[ Anakin chuckles, topping off his drink and setting the empty flute aside. ] No? And why not? You certainly deserve the chase. You should let yourself be wooed every once in a while.
[ Then again, it's not as though they're speaking of romance. They've made that distinction quite clear at this point. He still thinks his own point is valid, though. Mat does deserve to be wooed. ]
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no subject
It's hard, knowing what will happen and how he'd failed that led to it. It doesn't stop the feeling of betrayal or that deep, selfish love he still feels. No one will ever be able to be that part of his heart again, that much he's positive of. ]
I've had other things on my mind.
[ Mat knows the answer to that question since they've shared a bedroom and sometimes a bed since the beginning. On the nights that Mat goes elsewhere is much the same as any other, pleasure has been on the backburner since coming to Thorne. Anakin's focus has been just living as he wanted without orders, without expectation, and learning more about his new home. It's not even that he looks down on it, he's happy that Mat is happy to lead his life as a hedonist. Can't fault him for his hookups or who he chooses to be in his bed. There's no harm in it.
That doesn't stop him from really thinking about the question though. ]
..I don't think I should answer that.
[ Certainly before coming here, and the times that he and his wife could meet to be intimate were few and far between. That, and she'd been very pregnant when he'd finished his last campaign so.. Yeah it's been a long time. Not really a great place to get your rocks off as a General in charge of a battalion that operates at all hours. Duty came before anything else. ]
no subject
[Mat can't imagine it taking any longer than that, certainly not for Anakin who's gone so long without that blissful release. But light does the fellow need it! Sort himself out proper.]
But I do encourage you to take a good hard look at your approach. You're denying yourself a great deal by limiting your physical pleasures. It's just as fun with a friend, I can promise you that.
no subject
[ Anakin sets his drink down on the edge of the pool and sinks a bit further into the water. Thinking back on it, it hadn't seemed like an issue at the time because his mind had always been hyperfocused on the war effort or being able to see his wife where they could. He mulls over what Mat has to say, and honestly? He makes some valid points..
Why deny himself anything that he wants? Even now, he's still got the Jedi's ideals sitting in the back of his mind where he should be free of it. They're such a fundamental part of who he is that it's hard to let it go.. But he'd made his choice, what does it matter in the grand scheme of things? ]
Is that so?
no subject
[But Mat's laughing as he says it, and shaking his head with a sort of fondness.]
He hung his heart on one woman. A very fine and lovely woman I consider a friend, but light help him, the man let so many opportunities for fun pass him by....
[He isn't even referring to himself. It had never been quite like that, between him and Rand. How much of that was Rand's heart being claimed, he really doesn't know. There's a sense he gets, when a fellow may be interested, and he'd never felt that off of Rand. Despite the times they'd been assumed to be a couple. But he'd seen plenty of lovely ladies from Tarren Ferry or Long Field make eyes at his best friend to no results.]
Alright I can tell you from a great deal of experience. I only sleep with friends, and just as friends. Look at what I've got with Rhy, what I've got with Jesper. We always have fun, we fuck a great deal, but it's never messy or complicated because we're none of us in love with one another. I mean of course I love them both, same as I love you. As dear and beloved friends. You can love someone and sleep with them without it being romantic or an expression of romantic love. Look at it this way. Could you eat nothing but buttered bread, all your life? Buttered bread is wonderful, very tasty. But think of all the other things out there you could try...
no subject
[ It hadn't been and things escalated from there, but that was the past and Anakin has no interest in scrutinizing what went wrong when things are so nice right now. He splashes his face with a bit of water, scrubbing at his eyes to help him focus on the here and now. No dwelling allowed. ]
I admit that it does sound appealing when you put it like that. Maybe where I went wrong was putting my entire soul into loving someone. I can't say that I'm going to be capable of keeping the two separate forever, but what's the harm in trying?
no subject
[Mat keeps the rest of his thoughts to himself. That sort of obsession...that's just dangerous. A fellow loses himself in someone else. He can't imagine it. Perhaps he's simply never loved anyone more than himself. Which is a neat trick, considering how much he loathes himself beneath it all.]
Look, despite my vehement commentary, we're not here to get into right or wrong. You did things...differently. You were living a different life. You're living this one now, and so you can do things you wouldn't have. So...what do you like?
[Seems the smartest place to start. He hasn't the faintest idea what Anakin finds attractive.]
What gets your blood up and your breath quick? Just the ladies? A certain type of lady? Hair color, eye color, that sort of thing?
no subject
You're right, I need to stop dwelling. [ He leans back, resting his head on the edge of the pool, staring up at the sky in concentration. What does he like? There are traits he finds admirable, but as far as physical appearance goes? From somewhere that extends past 'human', it's always easier to simply say 'personality'. However, between Padmé and his infatuation with Yennefer, it's easy to see the bias. ]
Someone who's passionate about what they believe in. Pretty eyes? Dark hair? I don't know that gender really matters to me.
no subject
You do realize you're just describing me, don't you? And if you don't know if gender matters, then it doesn't. You'd know if it did.
[That has been his experience, anyhow. Either the idea was rejected or the possibility was accepted. That makes things easier, anyhow. Always nice to have a wide pool to draw from.
Though he isn't certain if Anakin truly has a type or he's doing that thing where whatever's in eyesight gets into the mind. Mat's the only other living thing around, and he happens to have dark hair and pretty eyes. At least he thinks they're pretty.]
no subject
[ Anakin smirks, though his expression shifts to something more thoughtful. He studies Mat's face with more intensity than probably needed. He knows his friend is certainly handsome, but he'd never had to consider something like his own personal attraction to him before.
Huh. ]
When you're from a place where your options don't stop at 'human', it seems silly to be hung up by something like gender.
[ He doesn't really know if it's a type, exactly, but there has to be a little correlation, right? Mat is definitely easy on the eyes, and they're already friendly... ]
no subject
[Most of his dalliances were had at festival time, when all the little villages of the Two Rivers came together to celebrate. Sometimes there were as many as a hundred and half folks, all in one place! Of course that's hardly impressive now...]
And if that's your attempts at flirting, I should let you know, I'm no great lover of the coy approach.
[Either employing it or being on the receiving end. Just leaves too much up to interpretation and guessing. He hates having to dance around some double-layered conversation just to determine if someone's interested in a roll in the sheets or not. He'd assumed Anakin was not, and so never made much effort to test if he's right or not.
Apparently he might have been wrong. Fancy that.]
no subject
[ Anakin chuckles, topping off his drink and setting the empty flute aside. ] No? And why not? You certainly deserve the chase. You should let yourself be wooed every once in a while.
[ Then again, it's not as though they're speaking of romance. They've made that distinction quite clear at this point. He still thinks his own point is valid, though. Mat does deserve to be wooed. ]