abraxaslogs | We Can't Wait For Progress

Entry tags:

We Can't Wait For Progress

WHO: Jayce Talis and you
WHAT: A variety of moments in the life of Jayce!
WHERE: Cadens and the Horizon
WHEN: All of August, will add more prompts later on in the month

Starters Below!

If you want a specific starter message waftingcurtains on plurk or go wildcard!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Viktor felt recently in this conversation that it was overwhelming, the subject and the feelings, and it's like Jayce never stops feeling like an open wound. Stung. It can be really exhausting.

"Please don't comfort me, you shouldn't have to do that. This isn't about me. Not everything is about me."

It was an opinion directed at him before, by Viktor himself. He is privileged, he had so much potential, and he's spending it hating himself. And the thing is, he doesn't know how to get out of it. When will the cycle stop? How many more mistakes is he going to make? He still is looking away, unable to look at that beloved face right now.

"I want you to be able to curl up into my arms and feel safe and loved and trusted." Like Viktor just did upstairs, leaning into him, his head on his shoulder, taking comfort so openly. "I can handle my own issues. They're not your problem."

He sighs and rubs the back of his neck. "Can you just smash something? So I don't feel like this idiot who has out of control emotions"

No, not everything is about Jayce, and that's been a point of contention between them before, but to hear that he thinks he shouldn't have comfort, or that his issues aren't Viktor's problem is a little hard. Sure, maybe that had been the case in the immediate aftermath of Viktor learning about what Jayce did in the Shimmer plant, but he took the time he needed to sort through his own feelings. Now he wants to make sure Jayce continues to process everything in a productive way.

"I don't have to do anything," he says, taking a step closer and sliding his arms around Jayce's waist from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder. "I want to."

He gets where this is coming from. Jayce feeling like he needs to be the strong one, given what Viktor himself is going through--but just as Viktor is learning not to spare Jayce's feelings, when it comes to his illness and deterioration, Viktor doesn't want Jayce to withhold what he's thinking, either.

"I'm your partner." That means so much more than it used to, but the core of it is the same--they're in this together. "I'm here for you, even if you think you don't deserve it."

Edited 2022-09-01 15:12 (UTC)

In a way, they both want to protect the other person, but it isn't always the healthy approach. Jayce avoids talking about it to Viktor, shame and guilt are toxic combinations when eating away at a person for awhile. He closes his eyes when Viktor embraces him from behind, letting out a deep breath. He always feels better when there is touch involved, it grounds him.

"Wanda and I were talking about some things along this line." Jayce is careful not to break any confidences with her, the specifics of their talk can't be shared, they are her story. But Viktor knows that she is the one Jayce went to when he was struggling, so it's a continuation of that. "And how it feels wrong to be happy."

Jayce knows that he is not even the most violent of their friends. It doesn't change what he sees in himself, he can't change other people. He puts his hands on top of Viktor's.

"But the thing is, before I came here, I know you were going through so much yourself, but V, I just can't express how messed up I was. I felt responsible for everything going wrong, the pressure and the fear were constant, everywhere I turned I was making mistakes. You don't know the carnage of Jinx's attack on the bridge, there were so many corpses, Cait was almost one of them. Again, it felt like my fault, I couldn't make one right decision. And you were dying and I swore I was going to save you, but I missed it, I was so useless."

Jayce is saying 'I felt responsible' because intellectually, he understands he is not the only one responsible for everything that happened. There were a lot of people responsible for it. But it doesn't erase the feeling or that hopelessness that comes with it. He has always been the fragile one, yet people saw him as so strong.

"I'm afraid I'll turn to violence again if I'm in that place. You say you worry about what I'll do without you, so am I. I'm really worried. If I thought that was a terrible, horrible mistake that I could never do again, a blip, then maybe I could forgive myself, but I don't know if it is. I don't know what I'm capable, Viktor. What if it wasn't me being the bad guy temporarily, what if I am a bad guy?"

Viktor knows that the days leading up to their arrival here were fraught. He knows that Jayce was doing the best he could under terrible circumstances. He knows, too, that he made errors in judgement of his own. What he can't do is wallow in that, not when there is still so much work to be done, and he hates to see Jayce think the worst of himself for a mistake that they're both trying to work through.

He feels guilty about his own happiness, too, but he understands that people are complicated. Having conflicting feelings is simply part of the deal. Viktor is not a stranger to the violence Jayce describes, but he tries to imagine what he might have done, if he saw the carnage on the bridge. Perhaps he wouldn't have sprung into action the way Jayce did, but he can certainly understand feeling helpless and wanting to do something.

But they've been over that before. Viktor knows full well that Jayce responds to touch, so he tries to guide him into a seat, if only so he doesn't have to stand on his toes to reach his face. He stays behind him, arms around him reassuringly, bending down to press his lips to Jayce's cheek.

"I know you, Jayce. Better than anyone else." He says that like a statement of fact. A reminder. "Even the best of us are capable of terrible things. The fact that you recognize it was terrible, and are afraid of doing it again, already means you've learned. If you were a lesser person, you wouldn't care so much."

If the nightmare is an indication, Jayce is still mentally stuck in that Shimmer factory. He can't seem to escape this particular act, and it isn't as if he wants to keep obsessing or wallow in the pain. He really doesn't want to, it feels like a cancer, leeching him so that every time he feels good, it's a reminder in his mind. It's frustrating, knowing how easily he lets his worst thoughts tear him down. It is a weakness that shows in other ways, like his alarming suggestibility and wishy-washy behavior. He is so easily torn apart.

He agrees to sit because Viktor wants him to, and this time he does lean into his touch, into the kiss on his cheek. He sighs. Jayce has never been good at processing trauma. This is hardly the only time, in fact, he has a history of obsessing over it, such as his experience with the mage. The bridge is another one now. He got sick just by looking at it, but also because of everything it entailed.

"You do know me better than anyone else. You know I'm a mess. My flaws have flaws."

Other people really had no idea back home, Jayce is extremely good at pretending. Everyone saw him as they needed to see him, as the man of progress, their leader. He still finds it difficult to be vulnerable here, he's often putting on a show, especially when it comes to Viktor. Not to his lover, who knows him too well to lie, but everyone else about Viktor. You can easily chalk up his anxious watchfulness to Jayce being overprotective of his partner. Which is also true.

"I love you and you make me so happy, but I'm constantly waiting for it to go away. And not just because of your illness." The fear of his death is looming and very serious as they both know, but it goes even harsher for that in Jayce's deepest fears. "What if my mess is too much for any sane person to tolerate for too long? I exhaust myself."

"And? Is that supposed to deter me?"

This is not a matter of Viktor having no other options. They both know that he took a huge risk on Jayce, not just at the beginning of their partnership, but here, in choosing to enter a relationship with him, even knowing what Jayce did. That his time is limited. That their story might not end happily. Viktor, analytical as he is, decided that despite the risks and potential for pain and disappointment, this is worth it. A leap of faith.

Some of this is exhausting, yes. They've been over most of this before, and sometimes Viktor is less willing to entertain Jayce's spirals, but of course he understands the creeping anxiety that none of this will last. One hand stays wrapped around Jayce's shoulder, the other starts to idly run through his hair, comforting.

"I had a choice." Even though part of him struggles with his own selfish wants, he becomes more and more certain of his decision by the day. "I chose you. Please try to remember that."

There is nothing that scares him more than Viktor dying. But a secondary fear is being left by choice. At least Viktor would be alive, even if he didn't want to love him anymore, so that is not close to as bad, but it still would be really painful. So he worries about all of it.

Jayce turns the chair so that he faces Viktor and he pulls him between his legs, putting his arms around him and simply settling his forehead against Viktor's chest. It's not dissimilar from when he woke up from the nightmare, terrified of Viktor's safety. They're in the Horizon so there is no reason to fear his death or that his heart wouldn't be beating, but it is more about Jayce needing reassurance that he's still there.

"You chose me," he repeats to himself. It is something he often does when Viktor says something that is a perfect mantra for Jayce's worst moods. He chose Jayce from the start, saved his life in every way. And now, knowing the worst about him, he chooses him every day.

"I'll try to make up for my mess by loving you more than anyone else ever could." Jayce's love for him is very intense and absorbing like he can be much of the time with all other things. "I never want you to regret us."

The advantage to knowing Jayce as well as he does--better than anyone else--is that he knows what to say. Of course, he means it wholeheartedly, but it does help, to be able to conjure the exact words to start to pull Jayce out of the hole he's dug for himself. Manipulative, perhaps, but he'd rather offer a little carefully-placed encouragement than leave Jayce to despair in his own self-loathing.

"I did. I would do it again, too." He rests against Jayce, letting him close the distance between them. Viktor lets the embrace linger for as long as Jayce needs, kissing the top of his head and squeezing him a little.

"Besides, you're the only person in the world who is almost as smart as me."

Jayce would know if Viktor was lying; he's managed to lie to Jayce before successfully, but now that he pays close attention, and he knows what to look out for, it is difficult. But Viktor also prefers to be honest so his words ring with truth. If it's manipulative, he really doesn't mind. He can't dig himself out of these places easily, it is helpful to have the kind of loving support that gives him a hand up. When it wasn't Viktor, it was Wanda and Nadine, who offered their versions of it, and he appreciates it. He's just not someone who can do all of it alone.

"How much of that choice is because I'm really good in bed?" Okay there is a little bit of his spirit and playfulness coming back. Slowly but surely. Jayce smiles and turns his head up to look at Viktor, his chin on his chest instead. Hazel eyes still have shadows in them but they're warming up.

"No one is smarter than you, I'm happy to take second place." They are probably equally smart, in their own ways, but Jayce considers Viktor's other qualities an extra layer of intelligence that he doesn't have. So, smarter. He finally stands again and leans down to kiss Viktor, soft and grateful.

"Will you smash something now? Maybe we could make it a replica of your least favorite Piltover place. And then hit it a lot."

“Who said you were good in bed!?”

Viktor puts on an air of faux-outrage, though of course it’s all meaningless now that it’s been established that they’re joking. He watches Jayce’s mood lift and it’s all worth it. It seems Viktor has managed to pull him out of his spiral for now, and he closes his eyes and leans into the kiss.

He’s still not sold on the whole smashing things angle, but it seems like it will placate Jayce, so Viktor is willing to give it a try (now that they’ve talked things out). Viktor picks up the bat again and smiles.

“I’ll do one better.” The bland walls of Jayce’s self-proclaimed rage room dissolve away, the familiar and cavernous setting of the council chamber forming around them, full of the usual desks and chairs and various breakable things that Viktor thinks might be fun to smash. No reproductions of people, obviously, but this probably is his least favorite Piltover place—and Jayce’s too, if he had to guess. “How’s this?”

"You do, constantly. You say it in moans, but I can translate."

Jayce kisses the tip of his nose too because it is cute and because he can. The one thing that does not need any second-guessing is the bedroom. They've got that down perfectly.

He lets Viktor go so he can pick up the bat and make the room what he wants, and he immediately laughs when it's filled in. He wouldn't like to see people, no, but the room itself? He understands why it is somewhere Viktor would like to tear down. Jayce creates a bat of his own and he reaches out to clank Viktor's bat with his, as if they're toasting each other with a glass.

"Let's see what you've got, V."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

We Can't Wait For Progress

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject