abraxaslogs | Open Log - Thorne Castle

Who: Nadine and OPEN
Where: Thorne Castle
When: June 12th and 13th
What: Meeting roommates, getting acclimated, exploring
Warnings: N/A, will add if needed

Exploring

There's little to do but poke around wherever they're allowed to poke around. And, while at it, slip out a few sweets from the dining hall to share with the less fortunate. Nadine made a promise, after all.

But there's plenty to see, in this area they're kept to. The library and the study hall are of the most interest, the books and practicing mages likely the most promising option for learning anything worthwhile. Their hosts are being very specific with what they say and what they don't, offering just enough information to avoid accusations of keeping everyone entirely in the dark. But still not sharing all they know, it's obvious there's much more going on than any newcomer is privy to.

That's alright. It's not ideal but it's alright. Nadine has her purpose to put herself towards, and she does. She can be found flipping through book after book in the library and muttering under her breath or quietly watching magic lessons in the study hall, eyes narrowed and lips pursed as she follows as best she can.

And of course, she makes sure to linger in the dining hall, idling by the offerings of food and perusing them seemingly casually. When she thinks she isn't being watched, she'll slip a small morsel of dessert or chocolate treat into her tunic sleeve.

Room 2

The idea of shared quarters is not one that Nadine is thrilled about. She'd already met one earlier, and somehow, through some blessed - or cursed - twist of fate, it's a friendly face. Sort of. She'd never met Lloyd before but she knows who he is, and any right hand of her husband's...he's on her side, is the point. Someone she can, to some extent trust. And who'll look out for her.

But there are two beds who's occupants she's yet to meet, and she's too pragmatic to imagine they'll be left empty. Especially now, the day winding down. It's been a hectic and long one, and Nadine's feeling it in her bones. She settles on her own bed, curtains open, and hands folded in her lap to contemplate her next move and wait for whoever she's stuck sharing her personal space with.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

He doesn't consider himself to blame, not for her finding out or the fact that Boulder decided to send more of their ranks into the wolf den. He just knows this is a really shitty situation to find out after the fact.

"I dunno how many you killed or anything, I just know who showed up. You probably took out some of 'em, right? And like you said, ain't a big loss in the grand scheme of things. You had a job to do and you did it, so don't.. beat yourself up too much about it?"

The thing that mattered most to Flagg was probably that Nadine was with him. He understands her anger, but Larry got-- not what was coming to him, because Lloyd decided that they'd been wrong and he didn't deserve what he'd been dealt, but.. he certainly got dealt a shit hand.

"That's not what I'm mad at myself about." Nadine shakes her head, turning and leaning back against the railing. How can she possibly explain? She's never had secrets, not really, because Flagg knows everything. But she'd had to keep so much from the rest of the world and it's hard, now, to talk about private things. Personal things, what lives in the deep and quiet parts of her heart.

But once she start, it all spills out, in a voice that grows more ragged and choked the more she talks.

"Almost all of my life has been for Randall, almost all of me. Except for one little bit...that I gave to a little boy I found right after Captain Trips ran its course. I'd only been on the road a few days and he...he was hurt, it was bad, his whole family was dead. He wasn't much better. But I took him, I took care of him and kept him and until I left Boulder for the desert he was mine. He didn't talk, he was traumatized, but he was getting better. He listened to me, he connected with me. But...he connected with Larry, too. Larry was so good with him. And I knew I had to leave Joe behind, I always knew, but it was okay because he'd have Larry to take care of him and be his family when I couldn't."

And all she can think about now is Joe, the boy she'd called her son, who's mother she'd agreed to be, abandoned and alone a second time.

It wasn't right.

"Aw, hell, Nadine, I'm sorry. It's never easy leavin' stuff behind, but leaving a kid's gotta be worse. He's definitely safer in Boulder. But he sounds like a little badass, so he'll be okay I bet."

He's not really sure what else to say to console her, he's not very good at that, but he wants to try because he cares about Nadine. Lloyd slides a little closer so he can stand shoulder-to-shoulder with her. Just to be in the vicinity for her despite how they're the only ones on the balcony. He doesn't feel like he's doing enough, but doesn't know where to go from there.

"You've got every right to be pissed at Larry, but it really don't make a difference. He sowed his seeds and Mr. Flagg wanted 'em punished for trying to come to us. Woulda been better if they'd just left well enough alone.."

Lloyd cracks his fingers with the thumb of the same hand, needing to fidget and do something because they're getting dangerously close to skirting around some real uncomfortable shit.

"You've got us, now."

Nadine lets out a small, unexpected laugh. Her hand comes up to cover her mouth and she can feel an uncomfortable prickling at the corners of her eyes.

"He is a little badass." She swallows another sharp laugh. "Have you ever seen a ten year old go after an adult man with a giant kitchen knife? Because I have." Joe was tough. But it doesn't do much to ease the stab of guilt at the idea of him essentially orphaned once again.

With a small sigh she leans her head against Lloyd's shoulder, some of the tension going out of her.

"There were...some real do-gooders in Boulder. Their 'leader', I guess you could call him, was practically an American Dudley Do-Right. But you're right, they should have just left it alone. They knew. They knew what was over the mountains. But you're also right that I'm...I'm with the people I'm supposed to be. And I'm really, really glad you're here, Lloyd."

"No, but any kid with the balls to do that is one I wouldn't mind knowing." A kid like that is going to be just fine despite the threat that their own world is. Or was, anyway. Lloyd hesitates, but raises his arm to wrap around her shoulders. It's hard to know what someone needs in a moment like this, and being serious isn't something he's horribly good at yet.

"If they'd just stayed in fuckin' Boulder, they might've kept their lives. Hindsight, right?"

He gives her an awkward squeeze from where she rest on his shoulder. "Glad I'm here, too. Wouldn't want you to be alone in this, fucked as it is."

"I think you'd like Joe, actually. He's smart. So, so smart. He didn't talk - trauma - but he still communicated clearly. And he just...he's a survivor. I know he's gonna be okay, I just wish he didn't keep losing his whole family."

Maybe third time's the charm. Boulder's full of bleeding hearts and charitable types, it's not like he'll be alone.

"It's not even hindsight, they...they had to know what was going to happen. They're noble but not stupid. They may as well have laid down on a railroad track or jumped into an active volcano...I don't know, maybe it's sort of my fault, too. Larry was a pretty selfish jerk when I first met him. I knew it, but I didn't care, I just needed someone armed and competent to help me and Joe get to Boulder. By the time we got there...Larry wasn't so selfish or as much of a jerk anymore."

She leans into Lloyd, sighing again.

"Whatever you...saw or were a part of or whatever, don't blame yourself."

"Can't exactly blame anybody else for blowin' somebody to hell and back in front of a room of people."

He wanted to blame Flagg for it- if he'd communicated what he'd wanted Lloyd to do, it may not have ended the way it had. Still, it was his hand on the trigger. There are a million 'ifs' he keeps going through, but he'd made his choice and Glen had paid the price. If only the old man had known what a sore spot he'd prodded when he goaded Lloyd.

It's okay, Lloyd, you don't know any better.

Fuck that guy. Lloyd's posture is rigid, and he keeps his attention on the pattern in the flagstone at their feet. No big deal, they don't need to go any further into it. It's done and they can move on.

"Being responsible for something and having something be your fault aren't the same thing." Nadine's voice is quiet but firm. "I shot somebody. In Boulder. I wasn't ordered to, I probably didn't have to, but...in the moment, it seemed the easiest way out of a potentially bad situation. That was my fault, I panicked."

Not that she's wasted much time over what had happened to Teddy. She figures he was probably some kind of jerk, if he was best friends with Harold Lauder. Like attracts like and all of that.

"I also killed...whoever the bomb killed, and then the kid that helped me build it. I was responsible for those, but they weren't my fault. Boulder knew what would happen if they poked the bear in the west, and Harold...Harold was a creep who treated me like crap and thought he was going to be Randall's high prince, poised to inherit the kingdom. They brought it on themselves."

"Y-yeah, they brought it on themselves." He echoes the sentiment, but it feels like his words fall short of actually meaning them. Lloyd still harbors some doubts about what they'd done and how they'd handled things in the end, but here? Doesn't matter as much and they're past it. If only his damn brain could get with the program. Still plagued by the old man's fucking face and the reaction in the courtroom.

"Still feels like my fault. Flagg didn't tell me to kill him, but he didn't tell me not to kill him, either.. Everything was just so fucked up, Nadine." He lets out an exhale of breath, crossing his arms tightly in front of himself. "I'm just being a fucking baby about it. Was bound to happen at some point, right? Being Flagg's right-hand man and all.."

He shrugs. "Jus' never killed anybody before."

Open Log - Thorne Castle

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