[OPEN] cold wind blowing beneath my wings

[coerthantorment]

WHO: Estinien Wyrmblood and YOU
WHAT: Estinien is back in the real world and not particularly happy about it, at least until he manages to meditate his way into the Horizon again. Meanwhile, his cellmate Relena goes missing and he gets very angry about it.
WHERE: In prison and also the Horizon.
WHEN: From July 24th to August 12th
NOTES: If you'd like something more specific with Estinien feel free to hit me up on the Discord or at quixocalypse.

I➔ And Back Again

The descent from the Horizon feels akin to being summoned back to a dead body, both in terms of power and relative comfort. The aches and pains of his imprisonment return with merciless acuity. While his energy had been boundless in that higher realm, here it is reduced to scraps as the ravages of hunger and exhaustion weigh down on him. It's the contrast itself that is the most jarring, along with the fact that he wakes up in shackles.

Yes, the fear that had been haunting his subconscious his entire stay in the Horizon has come back into context. This is what he'd been desperate to escape, and now that he's returned to it, he feels no less dread. Even worse is the fact that Ambrose seems perfectly chuffed with himself for what they've experienced.

Upon being returned to prison, he wonders what it was all for. Any connection to the power of the Horizon seems to be gone, and given that somehow accessing the Singularity was his one hope of escape, their return leaves him in a rather dire mood. To make matters worse, it seems that the guards haven't forgotten about his aggression on the way to the portal, and also on the way back. They decide to deny him food entirely on his first day back to his cell. He should be glad he's not been simply put back into solitary, something in his gut says.

The atmosphere around him is one of miserable defeat, during those first few days back in prison. Even during the recreational hours, his accumulated frailty can be seen. As much as he tries to flex his muscles, he soon finds himself slumping against the rec yard wall. He's tired, starving, and clinging more and more tenuously to any sort of hope. Was the Horizon an escape at all, when it was all according to the High Mage's plan?

II➔ To The Horizon

Fortunately for him, his obsession driven life means he is not one accustomed to giving up for good. It takes only a couple of days before he realizes the futility in surrender - especially when he's hardly explored all his options. The Horizon was something experienced outside the body, was it not? So why not see if the connection remains?

He spends the rest of that day attempting to sink back into the Singularity's power, carefully clearing his thoughts. He is used to stilling his mind from years of being connected to Nidhogg's eye, but it has been a while since such intense concentration was required of him. He's not sure when it happens, but finally, something clicks.

Instead of awakening on his prison mattress, he wakes in a field of rolling grass - and not long after, a pile of snuffling karakul. Everything comes rushing back. He'd remembered his time in the Horizon, but something about experiencing it again reforges the connection between those two states of mind: the mind of the dragon, and the mind of his true self. To think, that all of this had been made by his hand.

He frees himself from the overzealous affection of his flock, a lifetime of memories allowing him to better keep his reflexive fear of them at bay. He wanders the valley for a while, his memories casting all he sees in a new light. What did it mean, that his unshackled soul decided to build this? Was this what he wanted, after everything? He comes along the long bit of housing within his domain, a single-family household carefully crafted of timber, but left completely empty inside. For all the time he'd spent in the valley, he spent little time dwelling on this creation. He thinks he can understand, the emptiness of its walls resonating with a similar emptiness in his heart.

He traces his fingers along the windows, across the door, but he doesn't dare open it. Instead, he decides he'd rather go somewhere else.

Without his memories, he hadn't been particularly curious about other people's domains, mostly interested in his own creations and keeping them safe. Now, though, a lifetime of experiences draws him to the outside world. He wonders if anyone else has reawakened to this place. He traverses the Horizon on foot this time, and occasionally in soaring leaps and bounds that are nearly akin to flying. Yet, he summons no wings. He can't imagine he made a particularly good impression on anyone, the way he was before.

III➔ The Weight of Absence (Aug 5+)

And then, some days later, Relena is taken.

He doesn't know the meaning of it, at first. The guards simply come to remove her from the cell, saying it's for some manner of 'trial', and she goes, with nothing he or Himeka could do to stop it. He demands answers at the time, shouting at the guards, but receives none. Initially, he wonders if she'll be freed, much like Kay was. It'd make sense, he thinks. If the trial was just, he could see no reason for her to be put in solitary or anywhere else, and he knows she has at least one friend on the outside.

Yet, when he doesn't hear anything from her in the coming days, he can no longer rely on that hopeful thought. Kay has been allowed to come and go, just like the other guests. Would Relena not have come to speak to them, after being freed? If not for him, for Himeka or the others?

As each day passes, his frustration and worry increases. He'll start attempting to flag down any passing guests, asking if they have seen her amount the others upstairs. On the way to recreation, he will check to be sure she hasn't simply changed cells, and ask around the other prisoners.

"Relena - the girl from my cell, with the long sandy hair - the guards have taken her somewhere. Have you seen her?"

With fewer and fewer kind possibilities in his mind, he'll start turning his aggression to the guards, shouting at them to ask for her location, and trying to grab at them through the bars when they inevitably ignore him. Finally, he manages to catch sight of a guard he thinks he recognizes from the day she disappeared. He manages to catch them by the arm, dragging them back against the bars of the cell.

"Where is the girl?" he snarls.

Comments

[sanc]

Relena's posture straightens more, a bit surprised that Estinien wanted to hear where her idealism was born from. She really hadn't told anyone about herself at all and didn't much care if they did know. None of it makes a difference here, after all. This isn't the ESUN. She's just a teenage girl to the lot of them, she's sure, and she's still coming to terms with that.

Her expression softens from its state of total concern when Estinien attempts a bit of humor. He's trying to lighten things. She appreciates it.

She leans back a bit against the wall and lets out a short sigh. "I can tell you, if you really want to know."

She averts her gaze again in attempt to hide how hard this is to talk about, but she should talk about it if she wants to be understood and when he's willing to try and understand her.

"Well, I'm told when I was about... two, I guess it was... my biological father and mother were assassinated. They were rulers of a small kingdom that supported total pacifism in my world and an organization seeking power considered them and the figurehead of the movement their enemies. I was rescued, I'm told, by my adoptive father. My father, the one who raised me, also died for his support and push for total pacifism. As he was dying, he told me who I was and that I needed to continue that path towards total peace... to finally end the constant cycle of war and oppression in my world."

She shakes her head. "I didn't fully understand what that meant or how it could be done. I've made a lot of mistakes, but I understand better now just what it takes to achieve that 'peace', even if I'm no longer a princess. Still... there's a lot I don't know. A lot I still need to learn. But if I give up that ideal - that dream of pacifism - there are soldiers that have put their faith in me that I will fail. That's why I can't just let go of it. I have to believe that with work and an effort to change the hearts of people, we can eventually reach a point where it's possible. Otherwise, so much pain and bloodshed will have been in vain."

She puts her head down on her knees.

"If I don't leave this place and go back - accomplish that... someday Heero will have to fight again, too. But I don't know how he'd look at me if he knew even I had to resort to fighting or even killing people to make it out of here. I think he'd think a life without fighting is impossible for him if I can't even accomplish it."

[coerthantorment]

Somehow, hearing that familial legacy has so much to do with it doesn't surprise him. With the circles he's run in, discovering she's royalty doesn't surprise him much either. It complicates matters, however. He knows how much of an impact family - or especially, the loss of family - can make. If his mother or father had pleaded with him to keep peace before they passed away, how much it have changed him?

She's still a girl, but he knows people her age can pull their weight when they have to. If she's in a position of political power back home, he can see how it might hang heavy around her shoulders. As for the practicality of it? He has significant doubt.

"To dream of peace and to dream of pacifism... they are not one and the same."

Her words are more touching to him than she might expect. In fact, something about it causes his gut to twist, the feeling so painful, even now.

"I knew a woman with dreams like yours. She was no princess, but she became one among her people, followed in no small part due to her passionate quest for peace. She embodied the Saint Shiva - a woman who found love in a dragon, the mortal enemy of our people, and created an era of peace in so doing... but that was just as swiftly undone by the treachery of her homeland."

"All the Lady Iceheart wished for was a world in which no child need suffer and die for the sins of their fathers... but even her path could not be bloodless. She died saving my and Himeka's lives. Not in an act of pacifism, but in sacrificing herself to excise the roots of the conflict so that could not be stopped with mere words. If she had not... the war would not have ended, and peace could not have been had. Our deaths would have been in vain."

He exhales, having to pause for a moment.

"...There is no end to history, Relena. Peace is not something that can only be preserved, it must be fought for. And even when it is attained... if one loses the will to fight for it, it may slip away just as easily. Passionate gestures may change the people's minds, but it will not save them from those that would prey upon them out of cruelty and greed."

[sanc]

Relena doesn't expect agreement, so when he speaks, she accepts his words easily. She knows she's in for a long, difficult life, or perhaps a short and turbulent one, for as long as she ventures forward to strive for peace and equity for those on earth and in the colonies. Still, she is determined to keep moving forward towards whatever form the peace they have now becomes in the future. It can always be better. Life for everyone can all be better.

"I know. And there are many that don't want peace and there are many reasons that they don't want peace. In my lifetime, at least, there will always be people that push against it or use violence to resolve their problems, but at the same time, I can't give up just because it's difficult."

She quiets down again and listens, watching him carefully. He's right, she does relate to this woman easily. Even if their situations are different, it's still a place that she understands. The same had happened to the Sanc Kingdom when she attempted to reestablish it as a pacifist country. She had to dismantle it not long after to avoid conflict. A crushing blow, but it was an important lesson to her in the long run. It was an event that made her understand that disarmament was not a fix-all for her aspirations for the future.

"No, you're right. As much as I hate it, I have seen what happens when you try to circumvent unavoidable conflict. There is no peace in a world that continues to fight, but fighting to get there... so far, it's been an inevitability."

She shakes her head.

"Don't get me wrong. I would take the same path of her if it would maintain what peace we've come to accomplish in my world thus far. I don't mind that - dying for my cause. I've come close enough to it plenty of times. It doesn't scare me. It's not the answer, though. And... and if you want to protect people, sometimes fighting is the only outcome. Or, it's the only answer I've found to be realistic so far. It's possible to defeat enemies without bloodshed in battle - I've seen it, skilled fighters disarming their enemies without killing them. But it won't always play out that way. Until I find another answer, it's what I have to accept. But, me fighting... I haven't had to consider it and I'm not sure just what that will mean for me."

[coerthantorment]

He gets the sense that her view on things is also more complicated with the presence of past experiences. Maybe she is less naive than he thought. Still, he feels as if she is chained by the please of her forebearers... would she have chosen this path without their urging?

He shakes his head. She seems worried about something that is outside his perspective.

"Those I know that have most craved peace have all taken up the sword when circumstance demanded it. You speak as if it would be hypocrisy to desire peace while fighting against what threatens it... as if doing so would somehow sully your hands and give lie to your beliefs. Tis not so, Relena."

"To refuse to fight only ensures that someone else shall do so in your stead. Would you truly put your own sanctity above the lives of your people? What distinction is there between ordering violence and dispensing it with your own hands?"

[sanc]

Again, she listens, quietly with her eyes cast back down at her knees. It is uncomfortable to talk about, but people had fought to keep her hands clean as much as she had. Her father, her brother, Heero, Noin and the other Gundam pilots. She was representative of a future where they could all rest and live normal lives. Is it caving or adapting if she does take up arms? Is it surviving or giving in?

"I do worry about that, Estinien. Since I returned as the heir of my kingdom, it's been important for me to be that person - hands clean and committed to rejecting violent conflict. With the help of many others, I've been able to accomplish a great deal towards that goal, even though it is evolving all the time as a goal. Maybe it sounds cowardly to you, but a lot of people have counted on me to maintain those ideals and that position. And besides that--"

She sinks lower against the wall and lets out a sigh.

"I've seen how rejecting that has destroyed my brother. He's long since thrown away his name because he chose a path of violence. I think... he counts on me, too, to be something he couldn't be. I don't know."

She returns her gaze to Estinien, frowning. It's a lot to reconcile for her.

"But I know, in a way, you're right. I want to protect people, too. I want to be stronger than I've ever been so I can keep people safe... so I can give back to people and pull my weight. I don't want to be a burden here. I don't want other people to have to protect me all the time. I'm just afraid, if I see them again here - any of them - just what they'll think of me. I'm afraid of what I might lose of myself. I know that might sound childish to you, I know, but..."

She huffs and runs her hands into her hair. She's trying to keep from crying. People in her position should not start weeping. It's already bad enough, she thinks, that she's sitting here feeling sorry for herself to someone who's probably had to fight to survive many times.

[coerthantorment]

Though it feels unnatural to him, there's something about it that he can grasp. She means to be an icon of her beliefs - to be the ideal by which others can strive. It doesn't feel right to him, though. What difference does it make between her striking the blow and permitting those she employs to do so? It feels superficial to him.

But he also knows that superficiality can go a long way, even if it goes against what he's experienced. Would people really believe Aymeric's message more if he'd never drawn blood? Or would they merely think that he lacked the understanding of the perils his own people had faced? As Estinien rots away here, he has no doubt that Alphinaud is trying to seek aid from Sharlyan, a nation that also avoids conflict at all cost, but would damn the rest of the world to do so.

It doesn't sound as if Relena would be so extreme, but his gut turns, as he feels like he's already seen where intentions like hers lead. He could say as much, he could keep pushing against her sense of self in the hopes she'll find a new path...

But the girl looks like she's about to cry. It isn't often that he feels like he could hold his tongue, but right now, they face so much already. Yet, at the same time, would he not want to hear the truth? Had the truth not saved him, in its own way?

"It may be..." he begins, and there's already some uncertainty to it. He is being uncharacteristically careful with his words. "...That your hands are already less clean than you believe. If those that follow you cannot understand that... cannot understand that what they do for you and your cause is as much yours as it is theirs..."

He shakes his head, averting his gaze.

"You are not free of the sins of those who fight in your name, Relena. That symbol of unfailing peace... it is not real."

[sanc]

Relena lets out a soft sigh, drawing in a breath in her nose and sitting up again. She can't sit here wilting into herself. It's not becoming of a foreign minister. She's an adult now in the eyes of her world. She can't keep sulking like a child, not even here.

"There are people that would agree with you, and I didn't always believe what I believe now. When I was younger, I was so angry that I did try to kill someone in revenge, but I didn't accomplish that and I learned that it wouldn't have satisfied anything. It would just perpetuate a cycle of revenge and death, in the end. That kind of action, it was childish and I don't want to go back there. I almost betrayed my father's memory that way."

She might as well be candid, at least.

She lets out the smallest of laughs, though it's humorless, and rests her chin on her hand.

"I work with that woman now, almost regularly. We're on the same side, both trying to maintain peace. Both trying to put out fires in two different worlds: I work in politics and she works to subdue terrorist factions trying to kick up old alliances. I've forgiven her and it was better for me. But..."

She rubs her eye with her other hand and looks over to Estinien, trying to put on a calmness. She has always been able to subdue herself when she catches her breath.

"If you're right, if they're right, then I need to atone, don't I? If I'm a sinner, I shouldn't keep sinning, should I? If I'm not that symbol now, I have to become that. I have to work even harder than I do now. I have to find resolutions for the things that cause war and death in the time I have. Poverty, famine, class disparity and justice for those who have been oppressed in the colonies long before my time, even: I have to work to resolve the issues that make people fight," she pauses and her expression turns thoughtful.

"But I have no position to do that here, especially not right now. So, it may be that I have to fight or others will die for my cowardice, like you said. I might have to fight... and I have no idea who that will make me. I know you said it doesn't mean I'll be going against my beliefs, but I can't shake the feeling that it will. I'm afraid of ending up like my brother months down the line. I really don't want to lose myself, Estinien, so I'm not sure what to do. I'm sorry, I know that's probably not a good answer."

[coerthantorment]

'Betrayed her father's memory'... again that comes up. He fears her view may be more based on sentiment than sense. It only gets worse when she starts speaking about her sins and her need to atone. It's honestly a level of self-judgement that seems odd even for him, and he has spent plenty of time doubting his own worth.

It's distressing because he really has no idea what to say to this sort of thing. Based on everything he's heard from her, he sincerely doubts she'll end up becoming a bloodthirsty murderer because she learned to defend herself, unless she's significantly more unhinged than he's been led to believe.

At least she understands his intent, and he hers. At least she does seem to understand the need to resolve core issues first, that violence is most often the symptom of greater ills. He simply does not believe the idyllic world she strives for is possible, and that she will only destroy herself in doing so. If only there was more he was capable of doing.

"I'm not the one you have to convince," he murmurs, at a bit of a loss. "Don't they say the perfect is the enemy of the good? You only punish yourself based on a level of purity that doesn't exist."

[sanc]

Relena realizes it's a lot to take in. She's considered it a lot to take in. A lot of weight and a lot of events crammed into two short years of life. It's done his fair share of damage and the time stuck in one place here hasn't done much but give her time to dwell on it. She'd been constantly busy and on the move, only sleeping on flights and tucked into chairs in the far corners of convention centers and government buildings when she can sneak away. It's been a consistent state of motion and the brakes have just been slammed.

She realizes he's awkward now. She looks away from him. She thinks she let far too much of the 'too big' in her out. She usually keeps most of it to herself. She thinks she should have held much more back. She evens her tone out purposefully, politely, and puts herself back into her shell.

"I'm sorry. I suppose so. I guess I wasn't prepared for this to be the environment where I'd learn to come to terms with that reality, but it's not like anyone could have been prepared for this. I'll just have to learn to adapt like everyone else is. To fighting and to everything else that lies ahead here."

[coerthantorment]

Estinien makes a soft huffing sound, like he's somehow dissatisfied with what she's said. It's not so easy to let go, with how much she did let through. He may not know what to say to cure her emotional ills, but he can certainly shift to practical concerns.

"In many situations, fighting back needn't be a bloodbath. There are skills you might learn to mitigate the damage to those around you, especially if..." He hesitates and then quiets his voice. "If magic may be at our disposal."

He means the Singularity. She refused to acknowledge her potential even while within it, but that doesn't have to remain the case.

"You could even learn the healing arts if it better suited your taste. There may be times that isn't enough, but it can turn the tides of battle and save lives all at once. Mayhap Himeka could teach you."

It wouldn't be ideologically pure, to heal allies only to have them carry on the attack, but it shouldn't have to be, in his opinion.

"Your intent means more than you know. Even if you fight, your choices may shape the outcome of the war, for you and the enemy. You may steer your comrades to a gentler outcome, through it all."

[sanc]

Relena goes quiet until he speaks again, perhaps embarrassed by the gap between their experiences. She doesn't know much about his world. Perhaps, in the future, she could understand him better if she did.

She looks his way again, though she doesn't meet his eyes. Her voice gets quieter in kind.

"I suppose that's true. And we did have something like that, there, didn't we? I've never experienced it before."

She hadn't really had use for anything she's gained, so she doesn't fully understand what she can do now let alone that she can do it outside of that place. The idea of having the ability to heal is more palatable to her at this point, so she nods agreeably.

"If she would, and if I have any aptitude, I'd be willing to learn. Maybe I can ask her when the time seems right."

She hardly thinks they'd have opportunity locked in this hole with guards around them, but the time will come when they're free of this place. She believes in that. She has to. Learning a skill like that, she can accept it easily. At least she would be able to save people. At least she'd have some use here.

"I think, in the end, if I had to choose anything, it would be to choose that. If that's what I have to do here, I'd rather mitigate losses. Even if it turns out that there's no choice but to hurt people, I think I want to at least not kill them. "

[coerthantorment]

He nods his head, relaxing a bit as it seems like she's at least found something palatable to her. He doesn't have the gift himself - not that he's ever really tried, either - but if the Singularity truly blesses them, who knows what could be at their disposal.

Relena didn't seem to believe herself capable of much, even within the Horizon. Perhaps putting the idea of healing in her head would at lest give her something to strive towards. If it does that much, he'll consider himself accomplished.

"Aye, and there is plenty of use in that as well, if you'd rather keep your prisoners healthy. Himeka's craft can also be used to create shields and ward off illness. All things that could be a boon to your allies."

He looks her over.

"You might train in a shield, as well... if you could manage to lift one, at least."

He at least seems like he's at the point he can tease her a bit.

[sanc]

It at least garners her interest as an option. It's baby steps with her, but the opportunity to learn magic - something that's outside of her understanding but a potential well of possibilities to be of use - feels favorable.

"Wow, she's able to do all of that. She's impressive, but I guessed as much. When we're able to get out of here - " because for her, she must believe it is a when even if she's fighting a lack of optimism - "then maybe there'll be time for her to teach me."

She looks at him then looks down at her skinny arms and smiles, letting out the smallest laugh.

"Well, depending on the size, I'll either succeed or fall right over, I think."