There is a swelling storm and I'm caught up in the middle of it all

[itookashot]

WHO: Jesper Fahey and you!
WHAT: Catch-all for November
WHERE: Cadens and Horizon!
WHEN: Throughout November
WARNINGS: Reference to gambling addiction and addiction problems in general, NSFW scene within marked with NSFW.





[ooc: feel free to wildcard below or ask me for a custom starter on plurk]

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[a_better_man]

Mat just shakes his head. There's no attempt to push Jesper away, he just sighs and puts a hand on his arm. It's all he can muster in the moment. Sometimes even he doesn't have words, any words. He can't manage a joke, he can't offer any platitudes. He's too damned tired.

"You aren't the only one who enjoyed it."

He's in no mood to elaborate, but...well, Jesper isn't alone in that, at least. It's pathetic, he knows it is. But he craves approval, craves attention and being looked on as important. The curse had allowed him that, let him be the center of others' worlds for a time. And he'd wanted it and used it deliberately. It wasn't right. It was like using magic on someone to make them like him, and he knows how wrong that is.

But he'd done it anyway.

[itookashot]

"It's selfish, but that's a relief to hear."

Jesper's felt particularly terrible about the fact that he felt good when everyone else was talking about how trash it was. And it wasn't always good, he felt sick too, and guilty for his bad actions. But in the moment, it was almost like being drunk or drugged, feeling high and mischievous. Seductive, enticing, his natural qualities of encouraging people to relax and go with the flow leading to encourage bad behavior just like his.

He runs his fingers through Mat's dark hair, kissing his cheek. Now that he's purged some of his thoughts, he is back to being the concerned one, worried about Mat's clear exhaustion. He isn't going to push, but he does simply stay close to him.

"I'm here for you too, you know that, right? Even if I'm a fucking mess."

[a_better_man]

"Yeah. I know."

Light, but he knows. And at the moment it just makes him feel worse. Jesper is...he doesn't even know, really. There have been precious few people in Mat's life that are truly important to him. His sisters. Rand and Perrin. He has some very good friends here, too, but Jesper holds some undefined place above them. And he knows that Jesper truly and honestly cares about him.

Which is the problem.

"Probably shouldn't be. I'm really not worth the emotional investment. There's a whole side of me you've never seen, Jes, and trust me...you aren't going to love that Mat."

[itookashot]

Jesper is someone who loves quickly but strongly and his loyalty is untouchable when he gives it to people. Mat is someone he got involved with early and all of his feelings got invested early too, which is fine by him, he's never been careful with his heart. Reckless in love is the best way to be, in his opinion. What they have is special, that much is true.

Which is why he isn't likely to be put off by warnings. His eyebrows furrow and he strokes his hair gently. "Darling, with all due respect, the ship has sailed on the emotional investment. I love you very much." Jesper isn't certain if he has used those exact words before, but he's always felt it, and it comes so easily.

"I am going to love all Mats. I'm a killer and an addict, who am I to shudder away from a dark side?"

[a_better_man]

"You say that because it's easy to say it now, in ignorance." And Mat thinks, perhaps, there are certain things that people just say. Maybe they even think they mean it, but mostly it's just what one says. Things like 'I'll love you forever' and 'I promise I mean it this time' and a whole host of others. But they are not seers of the future, as far as Mat knows, that gift is very rare. They're just a pair of kids stuck in something much greater than either of them.

"Look, I'm not telling you to fuck off, if that's what you think. I'm much too selfish to do that. But don't get surprised if you stick around just to discover I'm actually your average, garden variety prick. Which is a much worse thing than a killer. There's all sorts of reasons to justify that, not so much to justify just being your general shitty human being."

And Mat is under no false delusions about himself, no matter what he presents to the world. He's petty and selfish, a thief and a liar, a breaker of hearts and a grave robber.

"Do you know what my curse was, that the old god gave me? It made people think I was the most important thing to them in the world. And I realized, Jes, I realized that that...that's what I want. But I make sure that situation cannot come near to passing, because I know in my heart...that will never be me. I will never be held above others, I will never be the prize, I will never be the center of someone else's world. I don't even like me that much!"

[itookashot]

"Mat, sweetheart ...." Jesper says softly, but then he decides to be quiet. Mat has some things to say, dark things from his heart and about himself, and Jesper should not try to get in the middle of it until he gets it all out. He puts an arm around Mat's shoulders and lets him spew out his bad feelings. He is no stranger to self-loathing, especially recently.

He would argue being a killer is much worse than being an asshole, but that seems pedantic at this point, and not something Mat needs to hear. They're not going to play a game of who is worse. It's unhelpful. Jesper moves around the bed when Mat seems to get it out so he can be in front of him. He reaches up to cup his face gently.

"It is completely normal to want to be seen that way, to want to be that special. You are not a shitty person. You've been through some traumatic shit and you've made bad choices, but that just makes you human." Jesper knows about him deciding not to follow the others into the cave or whatever that was. He's not entirely certain he would call that a bad choice, but he knows Mat sees it that way.

"You're young. You've got an entire life ahead of you to figure out what you want and to make it happen." Jesper is younger than him and that's always how he personally sees it. Sure he's a fuck up and there's no question about that, but he doesn't always have to be. They can keep going.

"I love you. There are a lot of people who love you. And we don't love some version of you. I hate to break it to you, darling, but you're not that good at acting. No one thinks you're perfect. Saints, I wouldn't want you if you were, I want you as you are. Imperfect and messy and a bit broken. Loyal and clever and funny. You are a prize, to me. You think I write love letters to anyone else?"

[a_better_man]

"No, that's not it. That's not why..."

Mat shakes his head, sighing heavily. The words just come out, all on their own, no thought on his part. If he'd thought, he wouldn't have spoke.

"There's something wrong inside me, Jesper, something wrong and dark. I'm not being poetic or metaphorical, either. There's a darkness that's just a part of my soul, it's the very center of me. And one of these days..."

A man can't fight his nature forever, can he? It isn't even as though Mat has ever had any grand ambitions for his own morality. Just to manage to be better than his father, and he can at least say he's mostly managed that. He knows what's inside him. So did everyone else, back home, though only Moraine had ever put it plainly in words.

It will all come out here, too. One way or another. It's like this place is determined to draw out and nurture that part of him.

"That's the man you want, Jesper. A man so very fucked up that his soul is essentially a beacon for the Dark One. And much as it touches me - deeply - that you are so devoted...I can at least be decent enough to warn you."

Jesper can be prepared.

"It's not like I write love letters to anyone else, either."

[itookashot]

Jesper listens to him and he hears him. He is not ignoring what he is saying or brushing it off. Darkness simply has never scared him or worried him. Darkness is everywhere in his world, there's more dark than light in Ketterdam.

"You are the man I want. I wouldn't change you, not for anything."

He moves back behind Mat but this time so he can scoot up close behind him and simply drape his arms around him. Give him a nice firm hug from this angle, wrapping his legs around him too, hooking them over. Jesper holds him and presses a kiss to his cheek, leaning his head against him.

"I don't even know the exact number of how many people I've killed. Probably not all of them deserved it. And if I ever do come to Thorne to rescue you, I would kill every person who got in my way." Jesper wouldn't even hesitate. He wouldn't feel bad about it. He can be the warmest person in the world and have the coldest of hearts when it comes down to it.

"But you know that about me and you still want me. That's how I feel about you. There's no amount of darkness that could keep me from you. You're made up of many parts, Mat. Not just that."

He squeezes his arms around Mat, his voice quiet in his ear, and he kisses the top of his shoulder gently.

"You're worth it. All of it."