abraxaslogs | There is a swelling storm and I'm caught up in the middle of it all

"He's both. He knows that I'm sorry, but I've been sorry many, many times before."

So there is a cycle involved in this. That's why even if rationally they understand no one was themselves before, and it's hard to blame someone for acting out when they were under the influence, it's connected to past mistakes. Plus Jesper really did lean into the influence. He reveled in it at times, he's been so good avoiding temptations and he wanted to let it go.

"Our relationship change makes it more complicated. I'm not just letting him down as his team member now."

As his boss and team member, Kaz is used to Jesper being the one who messes up, but because they've agreed to become something more, it made him more vulnerable. More likely to trust him and be disappointed. Jesper just remembers that rage on his face but the disappointment too, the hurt when he tried to use their new romance. It's painful feeling like he's going backward, when they were hoping to go forward.

Jesper sighs, some emotion getting through his careful mask, a sort of hopeless sadness.

"It's always been this way, me messing up, him being strong enough for both of us. He was tortured over what was going on too, but he had to take care of me. I wanted to prove that I could be an equal partner to him, but I'm just always going to be the fuck up."

Edited 2022-12-08 20:25 (UTC)

"Hey." Sylvain's voice is firm as he grasps Jesper's jaw and does his best to interrupt that train of thought. "That's bullshit. Are you just going to stop trying?"

Because, oh, that hint of sadness, of hopelessness, cuts him deep. He knows how that feels. How many times had he been on the receiving end of those disappointed looks and angry words from the people close to him? Ingrid. Dimitri. Felix.

Sometimes it felt like a hole you could never claw your way out of. He's been there, too many times to count. He doesn't want to see Jesper drowning in it, either.

Jesper's startled out of his ennui by that quick grip and words and he's surprised, mostly because he rarely talks about this with anyone. Inej is always gentle, Kaz usually harsh, Wylan was a mix, so it's new to have the reaction of someone else.

"No, of course I'm not going to stop trying, but you've only known me a short time, and you've already had to intervene with me twice. Considering I'm a gambler, I know a lost bet when I see one."

Jesper is going to have to come back to this well over and over again. He won't relapse because he has people in place to try to stop him, but the impulse is there. They're not going to keep being messed up by the Singularity, so it's only a matter of time before it gets him again. He is not full of his swaggering confidence at the moment, which usually gets him by.

"I don't want to add you to the list of people I'll inevitably let down, so just know now ... that I'm going to."

“I happen to like long odds.”

He leans in and kisses him again, slower this time, but earnest. His thumb brushes against Jesper’s jaw, the touch light. “I’ve known you a short time, yes. And out of those two times I intervened, only one of them was a time you gave in to temptation. The other time you voluntarily walked away. Sure, I came along as extra distraction, but I would have done that anyway.”

He pulls back to meet Jesper’s gaze. “How many times did you walk past those gambling dens, Jesper? How many times did you pause there and listen, watch… and then continue walking by? You’re not adding me to that list, Jesper, because as long as you keep getting back up and trying again, I’m not going to be let down.”

“You could have fought me that night, if you really wanted to go back in. You and I both know that. And I’ll be honest, I’m not all that sure I could take you.” Or that he’d want to go to the lengths necessary to accomplish that end. “Even with the fucked up magic driving us all to do things we wouldn’t normally - or maybe just doing them more - you still left willingly when I offered you another option.”

Jesper laughs at the long odds, almost cracks a joke about it, but he doesn't as Sylvain keeps talking. He returns the kiss and there is uncertainty in his eyes for the first time. His swaggering confidence is one of his strongest qualities, but everyone has a bad day sometimes. This is a problem that will always haunt him and bring him back to this place. He might not have his father to ruin here, but he has other things. Other people.

Sylvain isn't wrong that Jesper could have brushed him off. He's as addicted to adrenaline as he is sex, so a fight would have been a good distraction too, except he's too dangerous to be good for a casual fight. He picked the other obvious answer and he isn't sorry, not in the least. He is quiet which is rare for him but it's because he is taking in Sylvain's words with the seriousness they deserve.

After a beat he smiles though because he's still him. "Well, you were offering me something very, very attractive. Irresistible, even." Jesper runs his hand through Sylvain's hair and then down his back to playfully cup his ass. "Who wouldn't pick the gorgeous redhead?"

A lot of gamblers, honestly.

“Liar.”

The word is murmured fondly against Jesper’s lips, although he doesn’t pull away from his touches, just pushes Jesper onto his back on the mattress as he smirks down at him.

“Look. I know what it’s like to feel like the fuck up. Like that’s all you’ll ever accomplish, no matter how hard you try. You’ll inevitably end up right back where you started.” He nips Jesper’s lower lip and slides his knee between his thighs, teasing against him. Mostly in retaliation for those hands on his ass. “But that’s never quite right. It’s never back where you’ve started, because you’re always changing. And you tripped and fell on your ass this time. You might again. But I’m glad you’re not going to let it stop you from trying again anyway.”

Jesper laughs quietly and lets Sylvain move him onto his back, spreading his legs when his knee moves in an obvious invitation for him to come in closer instead. He slides his fingers over his shirt and then underneath it, tracing fingertips against his very impressive abdomen muscles, and pulls his shirt up to try and get it off.

"People as hot as you are usually aren't so sweet."

He leans up to steal Sylvain for a deeper kiss, plunging his tongue past his lips to explore his mouth thoroughly, moaning from the simple pleasure of his taste. They are still so new and eager and it's always thrilling.

"Mmm, let's both prove how alive we are right now, darling."

That gets a snort of laughter from him, squirming slightly as those fingers skim along his stomach. “Sweet?! I think I’m insulted.”

He shifts enough so that he can shrug off his shirt with Jesper’s help and then immediately dives right back into that kiss, relishing the soft moan he makes. He slides to straddle him and then pulls back enough to skeptically eye the clothes Jesper still has on.

“So. How hard would it be for you to teach me how that magic works so I can conveniently melt your clothes off?”

"What's wrong with sweet, sweetheart?"

Jesper smirks at him and lets his hands move hungrily over his now bare torso. Over those outrageous muscles and he laughs, shaking his head.

"Sorry, you have to be born with those. If it could be taught, we'd have a lot less trouble."

Or more trouble! Depending on what angle you're looking from. There would be an equalizer like there is here, where anyone can use magic so it isn't a big deal. If everyone could be a Grisha, they wouldn't stand out so much, be so strange. Alas. But Jesper is in casual wear at the moment so it's not difficult for him to drop hands and unbutton his own shirt, shrugging the material off.

"You'll have to strip me the old-fashioned way."

"Pity. That's going to be such a hardship."

Sylvain heaves a playfully disappointed sigh as he lets his own hands drop to slide over Jesper's now-bared torso, returning the favor. One thumb teases over an exposed nipple, even as he lets his gaze drag down the lean lines of his body, fingers following the path his fingers explore. His lips quirk in an appreciative smirk, letting his fingers trail lower over his stomach to start unfastening his pants as well.

"And 'sweet' is definitely not something I'm used to being called. Pretty sure that might have actually been more scandalous than my real reputation, back home. And absolutely no one would believe you."

Well. Maybe except Mercy, but she'd always had a different viewpoint of him than the others. One of the rare few.

Jesper's breath catches at the touch on his nipple as his body starts to warm up now that they've moved from vulnerability to sexuality. It is nice to connect though, he is never one to be afraid of emotional honesty, but it is also worth it to distract them both from their dark feelings.

His own hands go down to undo Sylvain's pants although neither of them can get them off in their current positions. It doesn't stop him from cupping him on the outside of the fabric and rubbing his cock through it.

"Mmm, my reputation was probably something similar, but I don't pay attention to that sort of thing. You are sweet, Sylvain, and lovely, and you need to take your clothes off so you can ride me."

After the week they'd both had, being able to divert away from the dark feelings and heavier topics was a relief, honestly. He gives a low groan and rocks into that touch, grinding down against Jesper in the process.

"My reputation was as finely honed as my spear." He chuckled, a hint of sarcasm in his tone. A pause, before he snickers amidst a smirk and leans down to lave his tongue over that dark nub of sensitive skin that had made Jesper's breath catch so temptingly. "Both of them, in fact."

And while he's just as eager to give Jesper exactly what he describes, he's taking his time in getting there, teasing them both in the meantime.

Jesper cracks up at the double entendre, he loves them, although his laughter is mixed in with a moan when Sylvain's tongue touches his nipple. He arches up automatically into the touch and curls his fingers into red hair. His other hand keeps rubbing at him, feeling him harden as he's doing the same.

"And how about your tongue, love? How well honed is that?"

The suggestion is blatant in that suggestion but with Sylvain licking at his skin, of course that's where his mind is going. He bucks his hips up into Sylvain's body where he's still straddling him.

"Considerably sharper, actually." There's smirking amusement audible in his voice as his teeth close lightly around his nipple, tugging lightly and relishing the reactions Jesper is so open with. He loves that, loves how much the other man just embraces this wholeheartedly and has fun with it.

"My reputation has a lot to say about that, too, in fact."

In both very good and very bad ways, depending on who you listen to. Sylvain's endlessly grateful that out of his companions to show up here, at least they've been the ones to not hold his past against him and spread that reputation around in idle gossip. Some would have, he knows.

"But I suppose I will have to make my own reputation here. I'm sure that will be a hardship, too." He's smirking as he grinds down against the hardness he can feel beneath him before shifting down Jesper's thighs a little further. Fingers finish unfastening his pants and drawing that length out, mouth kissing his way down Jesper's stomach as he draws nearer to where he's aiming. Lips press a single kiss to the tip of him, eyes shifting up to Jesper's face as his warm breath teases skin.

"The amount of times I've thought about getting to do this again this past week is almost embarrassing."

"Fuck, Sylvain." Jesper gets off his flirtatious hat for a moment to simply react to teeth on his nipple, shuddering from head to toe. He can be very sensitive in the best ways so it is a good way to get him going. He breathes unsteadily and it doesn't get better as Sylvain slides down his body to get this really started.

He sits up onto an elbow so he can get a really nice view, his free hand going straight to those bright red strands. Jesper is fully hard now and aching under Sylvain's touch, lustful gray eyes fixed on his mouth.

"You can get it any time you want it, darling. Consider my cock at your service."

He smiles at that since it's a tease but not actually, his hand curving around Sylvain's cheek and then tracing his lips. "I want to see it disappear between your pretty lips. Please."

Goddess, Jesper's the kind of lover it would be easy to get addicted to. Both beneath him and in the way he's so good at picking up on what Sylvain likes as well, because fingers in his hair - playing or gripping, it doesn't matter - is something that always sends a delicious shiver down his spine. Has his eyes darkening a shade in pleasure and hunger.

He sees the way Jesper's gaze is fastened on his mouth and his lips quirk as he presses another kiss to the tip of his cock, and then playfully down the vein along the underside, feeling the heat and hardness of his arousal as he tastes him. When he comes back to the tip, it's to swipe his tongue out and lick at the salty wetness he finds there, humming in delight.

He pauses when Jesper's fingers trace along his lips, parting them briefly to playfully suck one of those fingers into his mouth instead, but he smiles at the request, cheeks lightly flushed and eyes heated and bright as he meets Jesper's gaze. "Well, since you asked so nicely... Consider me at your service."

And he obliges him, lips wet and parting as he sucks just the tip of him into wet heat, tongue playing against sensitive skin as he bobs his head and takes Jesper slowly, gradually deeper.

"Saints look at you." Jesper murmurs as Sylvain intentionally puts on a very nice little show. His mouth brushing all over his cock, the run of his tongue to taste the tip of him and it's all great. He is flushed and sweating, pushing up from his elbow to let his fingers grip into the mattress and hold him up. He wants to watch and this is the easiest way.

When Sylvain sucks his finger into his mouth Jesper's pupils dilate wide and he bites his lip hard, his breath coming in a little too fast. He then has to gasp in air as it feels knocked out of him when that beautiful mouth covers part of him. His fingers in the blanket twist and his fingers tighten sharply in Sylvain's hair.

"Yeah, just like that, baby." Jesper's voice sounds rough and low, and his eyes are fixed on Sylvain's lips around him. "Been thinking about this all week too."

His eyes flutter shut and a soft breathless moan is hummed around Jesper’s length as those fingers tighten their grip in his hair. It makes his own breath hitch in his throat before he pushes past it. His lips part just enough to take him deeper tongue stroking along his length at the same time. But his eyes, dark and intent are locked on Jesper’s face, attention firmly focused on the man he’s pleasuring.

His own skin is flushed and too-warm, but it’s easy to ignore his own needs for now when he has this spread out before him to enjoy. Although Jesper can no doubt see the way the muscles at the back of his shoulders flex as he shifts and bobs his head to take his cock deeper still. He keeps it at a gradual pace dragging the pleasure out, but he doesn’t stop or slow until he feels the tip of him nudge thickly at the back of his throat. And then he swallows around him, carefully easing him deeper still.

"Oh you like that, do you?" Jesper smirks and pulls Sylvain's hair sharply just once, so he can get what he wants. He saw that reaction for what it was, and he is a fan himself, so he doesn't mind in the least. His gaze flickers between Sylvain's own eyes and then what he's doing to him. He does look at his back muscles ripple once, damn everything about him is so hot, but he is fixated on the show.

"Fuck, oh shit." He is forced to finally close his eyes, at least briefly, as the pleasure pushes through him intensely the lower Sylvain's mouth goes. He almost squirms underneath him and instead is left gasping, losing his cool. Jesper's fingers relax and start petting his hair instead. "Saints I can't wait to be in you again, love. You going to keep putting a good show on for me? I know you will."

Sylvain gives another low hum that vibrates around the sensitive length before he pulls back, reluctantly releasing Jesper’s cock, although he still drops one more adoring kiss on the tip of it as he lifts his head enough to smirk up the length of Jesper’s body.

“I do seem to recall you saying something about wanting to watch me ride you…” His voice is a little strained and hoarse, his lips reddened and slightly swollen, but he’s grinning with lazy pleasure, anticipation dark in his eyes.

"Damned right you're going to ride me, Sylvain." While some part of him (a very hungry and hard part of him) is dismayed at the loss of his mouth, Jesper tells himself to calm down because better things were coming along. He reaches over to the bedside, of course he keeps lube as close as he can in his own bedroom, and settles back on the bed with a smug smile.

"Get your pants off and come right here." He slaps his own flat stomach playfully so Sylvain knows where to sit. He needs to prepare him first but it'll be easier if he can sink down right after. "Giddy up, gorgeous." Jesper waggles his eyebrows, always someone happy to be playful in the bedroom.

“Pretty sure that’s meant to be my line, actually.”

Sylvain just shoots him a cheeky grin as he laughs. He shifts off from straddling Jesper just long enough that he can wriggle out of his own pants, dropping them over the side of the bed before shifting up to where the other man had indicated a moment before. Although he playfully trails his fingers up the underside of Jesper’s cock once more before he settles into place, smirking down at him with a dark glint in his gaze.

“I’m the one doing the riding here, after all.”

"Good point, I fully expect you to say giddy up. Loudly."

Jesper is being playful although he probably would laugh a whole lot if it ends up happening like that. He is a big believer that the best types of relationships involve a lot of laughter. He likes to be friends with his lovers. It makes everything better. He gives a very light whap to Sylvain's now bare ass when he touches his cock again. Mean. He's glad to have the cooling off period required for prep so he doesn't come too fast.

He slicks up both of his hands and his cock right now so that there will be no need to pause in between, when Sylvain's ready. Jesper moves his fingers between Sylvain's cheeks and slides one into him, still starting out easy to be thoughtful. His fingers are very long and slender. His other hand wraps around Sylvain's cock to get him hot and bothered now, although he strokes him very slowly, making certain every one is from top to bottom.

"I expect you to put on a good show, you're not going to let me down, are you?"

Sylvain would like to thoroughly endorse this kind of relationship. Even if his experience with such is tragically slim. He's more than happy to give it a try, however, and Jesper can make anything tempting, he'd wager. And while he's smirking at that slap to his ass in repayment for his teasing, when fingers press into him he gives a breathless little groan - only drawn out when those long slender fingers wrap around his cock and start to stroke him at the same time.

He falls forward to brace on his hands over Jesper's torso, face flushing with arousal as his eyes slam shut and he bites his lower lip at the dual sensations. His cock had already been hard but he feels pleasure spark along his nerves at those sure touches. He doesn't want easy, and he rocks back into that stretch with a wanton moan, muscles clenching tight about the intrusion.

"I'll do my best, but it's your own fault for being so damn distracting."

Sylvain is already making a very pretty picture. Jesper's only opening up and he's more beautiful than he has a right to be, a sexual dream in living flesh. "Saints, how are you this hot?" He wants to be inside of him. He wants it so much he goes almost mad with it for a second. It makes him move to two fingers with Sylvain shamelessly pushing back into them, opening him with aggressive directness.

He scissors his fingers in him and spreads, not wanting to take him too close so he grips Sylvain right underneath the head and holds him. His thumb does curl around to rub very gently at the tip of his cock, circling over and over again as a little tempt.

"Don't worry, baby, all you have to do is sit on my cock and it's the best show I've ever seen."

Jesper is rubbing himself against Sylvain at the same time, needing some kind of friction. He is trying not to hurry too much to be thoughtful but he is probably a little rougher than he should be, desperate.

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NSFW from here

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