abraxaslogs | There is a swelling storm and I'm caught up in the middle of it all

Jesper has always been important to her nearly as long as she’s known him, but she never looked at it much deeper than that. She hadn’t needed to until recently. Maybe it was always there, and she’d simply needed the right thing to spark it.

There is a strange line that she knows must be difficult for him to balance on- somewhere between ”I am not made of glass, do not touch me like you might shatter me,” and keeping every ounce of her agency in her own hands. For a boy with such eager hands and hungry eyes, it can’t be easy, but he respects her maybe even more than he loves her. And that, in turn, makes her love him even more.

There is that soft hesitancy in him, tentative and chaste, and a little unclear of where the new line is meant to be drawn. It’s okay, she can help him learn the new limits he’s apparently just been allowed to have.

She deepens the kiss, draping across him and pushing it over the edge of tentative to eager to explore. But not without pausing to look at him, her forehead pressed against his, happily crowding into his space like this. “I am not made of porcelain, I’ll let you know if I need you to stop or slow down.”

Not that she’s expecting much more beyond a few kisses, but it’s a new territory for them, which is both exciting and terrifying, and she wants to quell any worry she can. “I trust you, Jesper,” she mumbles it against his lips, his name lost somewhere in his mouth as she kisses him again.

Jesper respects her so much he would have never put a single finger on her without her say so, and that's been true from the day they met and he realized her hesitance. They found a way to be affectionate over time and always with her permission, reading her body language and adapting to what she feels safe for. So this is normal for them. Him, testing the waters, and her, controlling the flood.

He is filled with relief when she drapes on him, takes over the kiss and deepens it by her own will, so he knows what he is allowed. Jesper is excellent at adjusting to his partners as they go. He puts an arm around her and pulls her right up against him so there's not much space between them, and there doesn't need to be. She is safe with him.

"Maybe I'm the one who needed to go slow," Jesper murmurs, teasing. Or maybe not teasing. It's monumental to be kissing Inej and the sort of thing that should be savored. But his other hand slides into her hair and he kisses her for real. With purpose and passion, although instead of trying to explore her mouth, he opens his own to encourage her to be the explorer. All of him is for her to learn, if she likes.

"I love you." He says it when they come up for air, nuzzling his nose against hers.

Jesper was good at reading people, he always has been. Comes with the gambling and the thieving, really. But it made it easier with him sometimes because he could kind of always tell when she was receptive to it. And when he wasn't sure, he was always good to ease into things.

Oh. This is different. His hands are in her hair and his touch is still so gentle. His fervor in the kiss fills her up in a way that's like a pleasant wave of warm sunlight. She gasps softly against his mouth when he pulls her closer. She doesn't notice the tears that spill onto her cheeks as she kisses him again, taking that open invitation to explore a little further.

The smile on her lips is watery as she whispers back, "I love you, too."

There is a way to have passion without having hunger, to want something so much but only exactly as it is. That is how he feels right then as they kiss and get to know one another in this new way. Jesper lets her explore and meets her, stroking their tongues together gently, going at it from a sensual route. So that every second counts and he can focus on the feel of her dark hair in his fingers, the taste of her tongue, the softness of her lips, the heat of her body as she lets him hold her close.

He does move his hand from her hair so he can brush the tears off her cheeks. He knows better than to let that immediately get him to panic, because sometimes tears are good, and this is all big and new to them. So he is going to kiss her cheeks afterward, soft brushes of his mouth to the curve of her jaw, and then playfully at the tip of her nose.

"I can't believe I'm kissing you right now."

Her smile brightens as he kisses her cheeks, “It’s not you,” she promises in a soft whisper. “Well- it is you, but not in a negative way?” She huffs a soft sound, irritated at herself for being so emotional. “No one’s ever… kissed me like that.” No, even the more timid and nervous clients had always been rough with their need of her.

She scrunches her nose a little and laughs softly at him. “Why can’t you?” she folds her arms on his chest to rest her chin on top of her hands to stare up at him.

"Well I'm going to kiss you all the time like that." He proves exactly that by kissing her, lingering and sweet. Jesper understands what she's not saying and there's no use in him getting furious for her all over again. Instead he can help heal some of that by providing her the opposite, something she'll actually want instead of endure.

He smiles at her, brushing his fingers through her hair in a constant caress. "I've wanted to kiss you for a long time, but I didn't think it would happen." Not just because of the obvious reason between them now. He didn't feel right, trying to hit on her no matter how sincere. "It was always you and Kaz and then me on the outside. And I didn't want to get in the way."

Oh.

She lingers in that kiss with him, so gentle and sweet. It’s such a stark difference to what she knows, and it makes her a little dizzy with happiness. Her fingers curl into the material of his shirt, fingers pressing flat above his heart when the kiss ends so she can feel the steady rhythm under her hand. “Thank you,” she whispers softly.

“You have?” she can feel her cheeks flush at his admission. Maybe it shouldn’t be a surprise, all things considered, but somehow he always manages to surprise her. “You don’t still feel that way, do you? On the outside?” Perhaps a silly question considering the moment, but she wants to be sure.

"Thank you," he whispers back. She doesn't have to be grateful for him being sweet, but it's alright, Jesper understands she's handling this the way she has to. He will keep being who he is and someday that healing will be an afterthought.

He chuckles at her question and she blushes and it's so cute. Jesper can't help kissing those flushed cheek, wanting to make her giggle and blush and be like any other teenage girl kissing a cute teenage boy. She deserves normalcy like that. "No, not since he let us in." Jesper was never really worried about him and Inej. He figured it was always possible they could work things out together, one way or the other. Kaz though. They both know he's hard.

"You and Kaz, you two are a part of me. More than my heart, you two are in my soul. It's just confirmation, that we all feel that way."

He makes it easy to feel safe, especially here in this space that they’ve utterly made their own for nearly a year now. Wild to think it was really that long ago. Wild to think it hasn’t been longer, too.

Her nose scrunches in a cute way when he pecks her cheeks where the heat had risen to stain them. It makes the color flush brighter still, but she is nothing but elated by it all. Witnessing him with dates and flings and Wylan never could have really prepared her being on the receiving end of Jesper as a doting lover. And she’s a bit shocked to realize that is the way she thinks of him now. He’s still her best friend, but he’s more now, too.

It’s a sort of floaty feeling, all that attention and affection turned toward her, soft and sweet and ripe for the taking. It’s a little intoxicating at first, if she’s completely honest. She smiles softly and murmurs a soft, “Good,” against his lips before kissing him once more- short but soft and sweet.

“You’re going to make me cry,” she whispers, in fact, blinking back tears right now. She takes a statement like that very serious and very much to heart. She does believe in soulmates, but she thinks it’s not just one person you’re destined to fall in love with forever. It’s so much more complicated than that; it’s possible with many people, and for many types of relationships across the board.

That is one of the secrets of being with Jesper. When he shines a light on someone, he gives them all of him. His attention, his love, his affection, his humor. There is no one else in a room, in the world, when he is wrapped up in someone he cares for. He and Inej have been locked at the hip since he arrived, closer than they ever were before because of that year together. He knows that was part of Kaz adjusting here too, seeing them so much in lockstep with each other, bonded in a new way separate from him.

"Don't cry, love." Jesper has always been sweet with her, but never so gentle as right now. He caresses her cheek and presses their foreheads together. He may be loving to many people, but there is no question that what they share is something deeper. It's their life before coming here, trustful friendship, and their life since coming here, a team. He doesn't lie. He feels her not only in his heart, it's like she's her own limb.

"This time with you, while we both healed and adjusted to life here, it's been very important to me. I couldn't have survived without you." He would have, but he wouldn't still have kept the person he was. He'd have to make himself anew, but not with her around.

"The happy kind, this time," she explains quietly, smiling softly as he pulls her close so their foreheads are pressed together. "Not all tears are bad," it had taken a long time for her to remember that, too. She still felt weak for it, most days, but this was different.

"Oh, Jesper," she breathes out softly and drops her head onto his chest, her arms winding around him best she can. "I don't know where I'd have ended up, if not for you," she admits, burying her face against his shoulder.

Jesper puts an arm around her to hold her close, burrowing his nose down into her hair, kissing the top of her head. "You'll never have to know, love. I'm yours."

There is a swelling storm and I'm caught up in the middle of it all

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might be time to wrap this, so sweet