[open] january/february catchall

[techmaturgy]

Who: Viktor and special guests and YOU
When: January through early February
Where: Cadens, the Horizon
What: open stuff, closed stuff, dangerous and illicit magical surgery, the usual
Warnings: the usual references to terminal illness including a steep decline and medical procedures/surgery. will list additional warnings as needed.

[open and closed starters in comments! This is also a general catch-all for Viktor’s do-or-die attempt to cure himself, and the events leading up to it, and his recovery (to come later). If you want a custom starter or something specific, just hit me up. full horizon details are here for any and all wildcarding needs. For everything else, I’m on plurk at whitticus and on discord at whitticus#8139.]

Comments

[hextechhead]

Maybe even Jayce didn't entirely realize how much he's changed until he said it out loud. Because Viktor can't guilt him. He sees that now, in only the conversation back and forth, that he isn't going to bend easily just because someone else wills him to. Not even the love of his life. It's as if everything he's been told by Viktor and his friends over the past few months have actually soaked into his mind.

It isn't that Jayce is without pity or understanding. Viktor's always wanted to make the world better for his people, Jayce has always known that. It was part of their deal together, part of their dream. But in a way, it's those last words from another Viktor that stay with him. Instead of great, maybe they can do good. And that's what he's been doing, bit by bit.

He leans back into Viktor's embrace, although very lightly as he's ridiculously heavy and Viktor is still fragile. Just enough to lean into the affection and soak it in. Jayce drops his hand to run along Viktor's arm around his waist. It's Viktor's constant love and support that has helped get him to this place where he isn't afraid that one disagreement or fight will mean the end of everything. They're stronger than that. He knows it. So he doesn't have to bend or beg.

"You're sounding like my particular brand of delusion." Jayce has reached a point where he can be dry about that. It's not that he has no dreams anymore, or he doesn't think they can accomplish incredible things. In fact, he has a lot of dreams, a lot of ideas. He is hopeful about what they can have here. It's just different from reaching for realistic goals instead of insisting that he can just will the perfect life into existence.

"What are you willing to give up in exchange for chasing that dream of everything? Because even if we can't have everything, we could have enough." Jayce turns his head so he can nuzzle at Viktor, pressing their foreheads together. "I love you. I'm sorry I can't give you what you want. But I'm not going to change my mind."

[techmaturgy]

"It's not a delusion," he argues weakly, resting his chin on Jayce's shoulder, arm curling around him more protectively. "We've really done these things. We could do it again."

But by this point he's just reassuring himself. Jayce has made up his mind, and he doesn't need to say as much for Viktor to know this is the end of the discussion. That hurts, still--that Jayce would so thoroughly put his foot down, when he knows how important the Undercity is to Viktor, and how he might never be fulfilled, if he can't make things better for the people there. Improving lives here is objectively good, yes, but in a world that doesn't belong to him, it's not the same.

He'd spent so much time focusing on his own ticking clock that he hasn't really had the chance to grapple with Jayce's question. Everything is a different calculation now. Viktor allowed himself this relationship as an indulgence, to make the most of the time he had left. Now, he has all of the time that he wants, and he needs to reconsider almost everything about himself, in turn.

Maybe it is better, to think of all this as just a dream, and that eventually, one day, he might wake up from it.

"You can't ask me to choose. That isn't fair." Not when Jayce can have everything he wants, up to and including a relationship with Viktor uncomplicated by their social status and previous entanglements. "I wish it were as simple as you make it sound."

[hextechhead]

"Me trying to have everything and fix everything is part of why things went where they did. All actions have consequences. Just because you mean well doesn't mean it'll end well. I think Heimerdinger proved that." Their mentor always meant well. His complete brand was condescending kindness and brushing conflict to the side. Jayce thinks he was right when it came to some things. Not all things though. He can see Heimerdinger clearly (and critically) as well as himself these days.

"I'm sure you think it'll be different because it's you doing it, but you also wanted to keep the Hexcore despite all the reasons not to." Viktor gets blinded by his own arrogance, same as Jayce sometimes, and his certainty somehow he can do better than everyone else. Jayce just knows it's false. And he'd rather Viktor not have to actually experience the full from grace that he did in order to get there. It's not fun.

Jayce unravels from Viktor's grip but only so he can turn to face him, pulling a leg up onto the bed so he can look at him more directly. He cups Viktor's face in his hands, brushing his thumb against the mole over his mouth, like always.

"I really hoped that it wouldn't have been a choice." And that is definitely the most unfair part, which he understands. Of course on an emotional level, Jayce wanted Viktor to just pick him. Them over anything else. It had been that simple for him, and it is difficult not to feel pain over that. Rational understanding or not, it hurts.

"I love you. Never forget that. But maybe you need to take some time to think over everything. You just had a huge life change. And some heavy news." Jayce's death should be heavy to him too, but it's complicated. "I'm not giving you any ultimatum. Rest and consider it."

[techmaturgy]

Jayce is being much more understanding than he probably deserves, but Viktor knows him too well for him to hide the hurt that he really feels. If it were that simple, there would have been no hesitation. Even now, Viktor wants to reassure Jayce that he will never be without him again, though he can't quite bring himself to do that, because he's not quite ready to give up on home. There's a part of him, too, that resents the lecture, like he he can't make his own decisions about what he thinks is vest, but it seems pointless to argue when the Hexcore turned out the way it did.

Next time, he always tells himself. Next time he'll get it right. That's what scientific progress is--improving with every new iteration, inching always towards perfection. That Jayce could be content with him and only him, at the expense of everything else, is all at once infuriating and deeply affecting.

"I know, Jayce." That love for him has never been in question. Viktor allows himself to lean into the hands against his face, and it's only another moment before he's squeezing his eyes shut, cheeks wet. A scenario where Jayce is dead is not one he wants to entertain--it's an overwhelming thought that hits him all at once, now that his own anger has ebbed. "I'm sorry. I need to think. About--about everything. But I'm not going to leave you. I promise."

we can wrap on this one here or on yours!

[hextechhead]

Jayce kisses his cheeks gently and then his forehead. He puts an arm around him and pulls him into a hug, nuzzling his nose into Viktor's hair. He simply holds him. They've gotten through a lot together, and what he's learned recently is that they can get past even the roughest parts. The news of his death is harsh, he's not entirely certain he's figured out his feelings about it yet either, so Viktor isn't the only one who has to think.

"Neither am I. I promise." They may have found themselves at an impasse, but it isn't breaking them up. Jayce didn't say these things to force a choice, he was simply drawing his own line, for now. For both of them to know. "I brought the papers you wanted. Maybe doing some work would be good." A distraction. They're both so good at those.

[techmaturgy]

Viktor allows himself to sink into the embrace, leaning into the kisses and offering some in turn, searching out Jayce's mouth with his own and relishing their closeness even in this terrible moment. He's starved for it, after so long in recovery and with so much more to go that he jumps at the chance, feeling Jayce solid and real and alive under his hands.

He lets it go for as long as he's allowed, pulling away only when Jayce does. There are no real answers yet--he doesn't know when he'll be ready to give one, but in this moment he resolves to treasure what they have for as long as he can.

Jayce brings his attention to the papers, and Viktor swallows hard and nods. He reaches across the bed, to his book full of notes about the summoning ritual, and he closes it, returning it to the bedside table with all the others. Out of the way, but no guarantee he won't return to it later, the possibility there should he choose.

For now, he'll work on something else--something they can work on together.