abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

"It's true, I really hit the niche market," he says blandly back. Istredd still can't help but touch him as much as possible, something to do with his hands, and his greed. So much skin-to-skin is really spoiling him. Sharing a bed in general has been spoiling him.

"I want you to feel safe to talk about it if anything does happen. I promise my irrational reaction won't last." He did manage to shrug it off, although they needed to have this conversation before continuing. Istredd hopes in truth they don't need to do that, some part of him is always going to be possessive.

Istredd doesn't expect anything from him when it comes to his confessions or words. He says them because he means them. It makes him feel better too, to speak truths. Hiding didn't feel good in the slightest. A rejection would have stung but it was survivable.

"Thank you for not minding that I'm putting it all out there. Not everyone would be comfortable with that." Emotionally constipated people for example! Which they sometimes are. Istredd smiles at him and slides a hand into his hair and then cups his neck, pulling him in for a kiss.

Are you okay with telling some of our friends? I want people to know you're my man. Also I already told Kell.

"You mean you promise your irrational reaction won't be the last," he corrects.

They are very different people who very much share certain... qualities. Lucifer is very particular about his personal space but that has been lessening over time.

Maybe he should warn him about Lenore.

... Naaaaah.

"It's as you said: it's new." It doesn't bother him, it's more interesting and surprising than anything else at the moment.

By all means. They are never going to get any sleep at this rate, not that he's complaining. They're going to wonder why you're telling them the obvious. I wasn't aiming for subtly.

"I won't have an irrational reaction forever." Istredd does have some faith in that. Most of it is about insecurity. This is new and exciting and special, and Lucifer knows he struggles with the way he sees himself. Once he gets to a place where he thinks they're solid and on the same page, he probably will relax more.

"I think I'll be fine with it platonically, half of the problem was me thinking you were going to kiss." It felt like someone walking on his turf, so to speak. He isn't mad at Kyle, that much is clear. It was panic more than fury. "Kyle's attractive and interesting." Lucifer might not actively notice people being handsome, but Istredd has eyes.

He laughs both physically and mentally. He mischievously smiles. I'm going to bang pots or ding a glass at breakfast tomorrow and announce we're in a relationship. Cue everyone going we know.

It's a good thing they're both very old then.

"If you say so," Lucifer says in regards to Kyle, on both accounts. Lucifer would give the guy 'competent' over 'interesting' but hey. That's him.

...

And then Lucifer bites Istredd's lip, enough to bleed.

I will. Throw bread. At your head. If you even try.

Both very old, but both act like children.

"Noted. Histories." Histories, and specifically which histories she knew of to consider. She never attended anything like one of Jack's public schools nor seen anything in his memories around it to make her feel she'd missed out on much. Still, she'd read any number of those that had fallen under non-fiction history and historical fiction to have a large assortment of both she might be able to add.

"How far back was that? Is anyone still here in Thorne who was part of that original group? Those Old Summoned?" And how old was Old to him in that reference? The whole thing sounds like a game of chicken played with the breakable bodies of humans they've called sacred and yet considered experimental fodder for throwing at the Singularity.

Istredd's spark of pain is mixed with surprise and he jabs a finger into Lucifer's side much the way he was jabbing Istredd only moments before. They are extremely mature individuals. Of course it's illogical that his immediate response outside of that is to pull Lucifer into a deeper kiss, ignoring the new sting in his mouth entirely.

As you throw the bread, I will make sure to tell them in detail how sweet you actually are. Just ruin that reputation of yours. He is 100% joking and there is no doubt about that. Considering Istredd has already stated he'd prudish about some aspects of their relationship, the idea of getting up in front of a group and being vulnerable about this precious relationship is never going to happen. Call Lucifer his partner? Yes. Acknowledge how he feels about him because it's obvious anyway? Absolutely. Not to mention Istredd wants to keep Lucifer possessively to himself. No one is allowed to know these secret things about him.

Still, he's messing with him, since he's allowed to do that. Istredd smiles and kisses him again, light and fun. I'll call you by a really stupid nickname.

His head tilts. He's aware of what transpired between Ciri and Istredd, though he'd not bothered to ask Nero for details. Easy enough to guess.

"She doesn't need to hear what she already knows," he replies simply.

No. Ciri would not want the protection of someone whose motivations are suspect at best. Who she does not know in any capacity beyond a mage who holds too much information about her. He regrets not being there with her during some of those...moments. But he's glad Nero was at least. Conscious.

It is not a topic he'd have broached with Istredd prior to their experiences. But.

"Ciri can protect herself." Blunt, but not unkind. He isn't interested in chastising Istredd for trying; that is a complicated matter he has yet to unravel. But he knows Ciri in a way few do—and for people like them, there's a level of trust required when letting someone take on a role you've held on your own your entire life. "Understand you are offering her nothing in her eyes by stepping in unwanted."

"You both were sick, Geralt. Neither of you could protect yourselves well in that state." Istredd is blunt in response, also not unkind, but he was one of the only people who mostly kept his head about him. Geralt knows that he stopped him from hurting Steve, so yes, he felt he was looking out for them. "I know I'm not the person she would pick to have her back, but I was trying to do that. For both of you."

Istredd's concern may have been on Ciri when it came to the scream and what the acolytes could find out about her, but Geralt saved his life when they first got down there. He didn't forget that. Maybe it is foolish to care about either of them, but he does anyway. If it was a choice, he wouldn't bother.

"If you're asking why the blade, it's simple. She is important, I am not. That's the math. She doesn't want me to mention that she's special, and that's fine, I'm sure a lot of shitty people have said that to her and meant it in terrible ways. When I say it, I mean that my life for hers is an easy trade. I would do it again." He means it. There are few things he means more than that. It's hard to explain and there are a lot of feelings attached to it that he never will, but that's what it is.

"But I'll stay out of her way from now on. I don't want to upset anyone. I'm not the enemy."

"That's not what I mean." He's not referring to what Istredd felt was necessary in the moment. He means—mm.

Exactly what Istredd says next implies. And perhaps he shouldn't give a fuck about explaining it; Istredd is not someone he cares about keeping on his side, but truth be known, the contentious relationship between Istredd and Ciri is a distraction nobody needs. They've enough trouble.

He leans forward. "Ciri is special. Not for the power she holds, but for what she means to me. Thousands have died because of her. For her. What makes you think she wants the burden of your life for hers any more than she wants to be pursued for her abilities?"

She's important, yes. More important than Istredd, but that is not something Ciri wants. And Istredd will not help himself by acting as though his life is less worthy than hers. She does not want anyone to be less worthy than her. She wants friends. Family. People who see her for who she is, not the girl Destiny chose to place on a pedestal.

Edited 2023-04-30 23:22 (UTC)

Istredd takes that in, arms crossed, and he does hear it, he hasn't really heard all the details about why she is the way she is. He knows that mages have tried to harm her, although that's hardly a surprise. The Brotherhood is vicious. He knows all too well how even well-meaning people could unleash disaster on someone who sees them as more than human. Him, he did that.

"She wasn't the only person I was willing to die for in there. Ciri is important yes, but she had Caitlyn with her. And my students were escaping too, I held the vines open for them." Caitlyn was the only sane person in there with him for a time, the two of them connected. He saw that Ciri was helping her escape and so it was in his mind, they both needed protection. He doesn't have a high opinion of his own life to be honest, he's working on it.

"Ciri and I met before we realized we were from the same sphere." He finds this a little humiliating to talk about but here they are. "We talked. I thought she was interesting. We weren't friends but I ...." Thought maybe they could be? Istredd's embarrassed about this. Yennefer's amused look of oh honey when he admitted to it before was painful. "When she came to the monolith, I thought I could show her the library, and then it all came out." Istredd sighs, remembering that whole fiasco all too well.

"She's not an object or an entity to me, if that's what you're worried about. I don't know what you want me to say. I'm going to leave her alone."

He is not dissuaded in the slightest and licks up the blood while returning the kiss.

Maybe a change to my reputation would help. Everyone thinks of how 'sweet' I am while ignoring as I operate in the shadows... No one would believe it. While we're at it we'll just add how you would love to become a professional orator.

See? He can joke too.

Dare I ask what the top choices of nickname would be?

Edited 2023-05-01 02:29 (UTC)

Geralt lifts an eyebrow. The man's mortification is palpable. A bit piteous, actually. He huffs a breath, arms folded across his chest. Was Istredd always like this?

"I'm not who you need to convince." He isn't here to warn Istredd away from Ciri. "And you can't avoid her forever."

In the sphere, that's an impossible ask. Being of the Summoned aside, Istredd remains the most knowledgeable on monoliths. He has a relationship with Yennefer. Geralt does not care to make enemies where unneeded. Nor does he wish to treat Istredd like a problem waiting to happen. It's a waste of his time, a waste of his efforts.

If he will not kill him—and Geralt happens to not want to (for now)—then he wants to be able to trust him. Where Ciri is concerned, at least. There is something bigger in the world. Always has been, but since the abductions, it's become more glaring. Gods and ancient powers. Visions of the unknown.

It is not only about keeping Ciri safe. It's about giving her a life she deserves.

"I have not told you this so you can hide from her. I'm telling you so you can stop being a fucking idiot when your paths invariably cross again."

Istredd laughs out loud although it's smothered by the bloody kiss in question but it does shake in his chest, running his hands up Lucifer's chest and then hooking them around the back of his neck comfortably.

No one would ever believe me. They'd think I've gone mad. Which he has, love mad, as already discussed. He comes up for air so he doesn't just keep getting distracted by Lucifer kisses. It's difficult not to get carried away. "No one would believe you either. Ow." A little whine about the bite not that it stopped him from kissing.

He considers. He's never given a nickname let alone a stupid one. "Lucy? Ferry?" Istredd grins at him, tickling his ear with his fingers. "My sweet angel."

He'll be happy to point it out, "You have gone mad. They thought that awhile ago. Honestly they'd probably just ignore you and keep eating."

He nearly bites him again for the pathetic, unbelieving 'ow.'

Instead finally rolls back to the mattress and stretches out along side Istredd again, limbs just as tangled together. "'Lucy' is not new," he says. "Though more from my brothers than anyone." He's sure it's come up in other contexts, but not many. "'Ferry' may actually be more cringe-worthy than the last one, congrats." He thinks it might be because it makes him think of a ferret instead of some piece of his name.

Yes he was always like this. Another leosylph appears having lazily been on the third floor. It is black with red eyes, a different look from the typical. The one identical to Geralt is awake now, and they both seem very curious about the conversation. The ravens change floors up above. They're unconcerned.

"I don't want to avoid her," he snaps. "I've been respecting her wishes, the pit was an exception. She was clear with me." They were forced into the pit but otherwise she's been clear. Istredd isn't avoiding her because he wants to. He's fascinated by her, he wants to talk to her, he wants to get to know her. It's simply not viable.

"Geralt, everything I'm trying to learn about this place, about the spheres, the gods, the monoliths, and the Singularity, it's all connected in my mind, and you're well aware that she probably is too. I want answers, but not at her cost."

Istredd could have told people about her long ago. Thorne would have probably given him a title if they got their hands on her. If he was only about answers and logic and learning, he could suggest they use her to get them. Maybe there are mages who would do exactly that without any hesitation, Stregobor would absolutely be one of them. But that's not him.

He looks abruptly tired because he is, rubbing a hand against his forehead. He is mentally weary, he has been here for too long, but leaving doesn't seem like an option yet. "You saved my life when you could have easily gotten me off your hands. I haven't forgotten that. I want what I've wanted from the start here, for us to work together."

Istredd turns toward him and keeps close, reaching out to make certain the blankets are comfortably tucked in around Lucifer again now that he moved. A tender gesture for his always cold partner.

"No thank you to a brothers-leaning nickname. I don't want to remind you of angel drama when we're naked in bed together." He kisses his cheek gently. "Everyone in Thorne knows, you just didn't realize they were right, you were the last person to the party." Istredd knew they weren't only rumors, but on his end.

After a beat, he smiles. This does mean Michael knew before you. He immediately broke his rule about not bringing in angel drama.

"I will bet you my gift-bag potion Jack doesn't know," he says pointedly. His sometimes-student is far more oblivious than Lucifer himself. He'd bet that even if Kyle told Jack about it, he'd still not get it.

Ergo, he's not the last one to his own party, thank you very much.

He makes a face at mention of Michael. That's just uncool, man. He is never telling Michael there was anything other than his belief in the rumors going on.

He eyes the chair that Istredd conjures up and, after a beat of indecision, folds himself into it. Seated forward, he knots his hands between his knees.

"I can't remember how it happened exactly," he confesses. "It was after...they took me somewhere. Me and Claude — he was there too."

His eyebrows pinch together as he tries to fish the pieces of that night out of the murky waters of his memory. He had overheard talk about the brutal rituals the Acolytes performed on their captives, all hushed warnings about what awaits when they take you in the middle of the night. Although he had been taken too, it all sounded like something that happened to somebody else. He stares at his fidgeting fingers, nails picking at each other.

"I don't remember much about that night. But I summoned fire, I'm sure of it."

"I don't know, we could ask him. He can be our test group on how oblivious you'd have to be." Istredd leans in to nuzzle at his neck and kiss there, content with how close they are. Maybe craving this level of skin contact is a small detail, but he is enjoying no layers between them.

We are definitely doing the breakfast here, I wonder if they'll let me sneak out to one more look at the library. Extremely unlikely. They are supposed to go right after it, but what if he skips some of the food to try that instead. Istredd's first true love is books. What I wouldn't give to have access to the university all the time. Wistful.

"Yes." Geralt blinks once, unfazed. "Exceptions that will occur again."

Geralt doesn't know since when the fuck he's giving a mage advice on not pissing his daughter off any time he's forced to be within her vicinity for two seconds, but here they are. He doesn't want Istredd to be her friend. Or to sell her out. He wants Istredd to be capable of existing in the same room without provoking her. Intentionally or otherwise.

The small feline puts a paw on his hand. He moves it over without looking down, eyes fixed on Istredd.

The Brotherhood might be quick to discard at the first sign of trouble, but that is not his role as a Witcher. Atop the cliff, Istredd was not an immediate threat to anyone. So he'd helped him instead. That's all there is to it.

"And what will you do with the answers you find?"

"Fine. I will remember to treat her as anyone else and not as someone special." It is a perfectly reasonable thing to ask, and Istredd can't argue that it has set her off when he did otherwise. When his awe of her and the things she could do made her seem too important to handle. If Ciri doesn't feel comfortable on a pedestal, he'll do his best to knock it down.

Part of his hesitance about being around her is concern it will be obvious she means something to him. His awkward politeness will be the best defense against people who know him well. He dreads the idea of being around her and Lucifer at the same time.

The Brotherhood is very quick to discard. They practically made a rule out of it. The young mages generations after generations simply continuing to be their eyes and hands.

"I don't know, I have no idea what the answers are. It depends on how much harm we're looking at, by the Singularity or supporting it. Until recently we were wrong about the monoliths. This sphere doesn't understand the Singularity in the same way, but only Ciri has a connection to the monoliths. We all have a chance here." Each and every one of them has a tie to the Singularity, some of them stronger than others, Rhy for example, but they have more potential.

"How the gods factor in, I'm still working on it. Kyle from Thorne has a theory. He thinks that the newer gods may have been the former Summoned, from thousands of years ago. If that's true we'd be looking at our own future, and the power within to accomplish it." This is definitely just a theory Kyle has brought up and the two of them have discussed.

He's awfully sure Jack will be about as baffled, if not more so, as Lucifer had been.

You want to risk getting in more trouble? Because they're already going to be in trouble for their redecorating of their room, there's no question about it. I really am a bad influence, he jests. But there is a part of him that expects someone to say that eventually. He doesn't let that linger. There's plenty you could give, but not be worth it, even for a new mountain of books.

Who knows when we'll be allowed back here? Istredd sighs, still wistful. It's not as if they really let them have much interaction with the library or the university, so it would take time to get anywhere near what he'd need. But it still was something beautiful and new. He nibbles on Lucifer's neck lightly.

We'll have to ask Thorne to cover this if Hayle insists on being paid back. Which they will, and that is fair. They definitely can't. He runs his hand down Lucifer's arm and then takes his hand, holding it. "I'm still not sorry, you were beautiful." He's a tiny bit bashful, keeping his nose nuzzling at Lucifer's neck.

It was worth waiting for. Istredd would ask the same, but Lucifer didn't wait. He didn't think about it until it happened. "I'd say we're equally bad influences sometimes." Switching between talking and thinking is easy, at least when it's just them snuggling in bed and not doing something else. "I just seduced you, after all."

"During the ritual." Istredd assumes that's what he was talking about, that is what happened to people who were taken. Sometimes one or two at a time, like him and Claude. He knows how much the ritual damaged people, but he also knows that it could set off abilities. Ciri's scream is proof enough. It could have been her fear too, or it could be whatever happened to them.

"It isn't unusual for people to be able to tap into their abilities in an emergency with a refined skill they're not used to. It's part of the fight or flight reflex, your body and subconscious can react faster than your mind." And in this case, his mind wasn't working anyway. So his instincts were driving him, and that made it easier to tap into something he wouldn't ordinarily. Or at least that's what it sounds like.

"And you being able to maintain a flame continuously while on the mountain is very impressive." They already knew that he had a more comfortable time using fire that was already created. It's being the source of it that he struggles with.

"Rude," he chirps, "I'm always beautiful." And an absolute gremlin trashfire, but a beautiful one, thank you.

'He didn't think about it until it happened' was the already-surmised difference between them. After his failed Apocalypse, Lucifer didn't have a lot to bank on for planning, or giving himself time for anything. He always tried not to end up back in captivity, but he had to play fast and loose with his life and his choices. Quick, lack of thought decisions.

"I think I had a hand in my own seduction." Lucifer that hardly makes sense. "But kudos." He pats a hand to Istredd's cheek, not shifting him from where he was focused. "A 'nobody' would have no chance."

He doesn't see a future where they get back here easily. He's not even optimistic Thorne won't tighten their claws in their Summoned once they're all back in place, Josselyn Concluded. But maybe, if he gets eyes into this city, he'll be able to find a reason to allow occasional travel.

Not for one second does Lucifer think this city is as pristine as it appears.

Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

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