abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

Who knows when we'll be allowed back here? Istredd sighs, still wistful. It's not as if they really let them have much interaction with the library or the university, so it would take time to get anywhere near what he'd need. But it still was something beautiful and new. He nibbles on Lucifer's neck lightly.

We'll have to ask Thorne to cover this if Hayle insists on being paid back. Which they will, and that is fair. They definitely can't. He runs his hand down Lucifer's arm and then takes his hand, holding it. "I'm still not sorry, you were beautiful." He's a tiny bit bashful, keeping his nose nuzzling at Lucifer's neck.

It was worth waiting for. Istredd would ask the same, but Lucifer didn't wait. He didn't think about it until it happened. "I'd say we're equally bad influences sometimes." Switching between talking and thinking is easy, at least when it's just them snuggling in bed and not doing something else. "I just seduced you, after all."

"Rude," he chirps, "I'm always beautiful." And an absolute gremlin trashfire, but a beautiful one, thank you.

'He didn't think about it until it happened' was the already-surmised difference between them. After his failed Apocalypse, Lucifer didn't have a lot to bank on for planning, or giving himself time for anything. He always tried not to end up back in captivity, but he had to play fast and loose with his life and his choices. Quick, lack of thought decisions.

"I think I had a hand in my own seduction." Lucifer that hardly makes sense. "But kudos." He pats a hand to Istredd's cheek, not shifting him from where he was focused. "A 'nobody' would have no chance."

He doesn't see a future where they get back here easily. He's not even optimistic Thorne won't tighten their claws in their Summoned once they're all back in place, Josselyn Concluded. But maybe, if he gets eyes into this city, he'll be able to find a reason to allow occasional travel.

Not for one second does Lucifer think this city is as pristine as it appears.

Istredd laughs into his neck and nips at it. "I should not be feeding your ego any more than I already have." But he may as well have heaped a whole lot of food into it tonight and every moment since they got together. Too much adoration, it could make him sick. But yes, very beautiful.

"I get it, I'm not a nobody. I'm your unparalleled object of affection." Istredd rests his head against his shoulder, bringing Lucifer's hand up to kiss the knuckles. "Your beloved crying ape." He teases. He can't joke about placeholder anymore, Lucifer has ruined that as something playful, but that's fine. He has many other things to pull from their conversations to make it snarky.

I would say I have to get closer to Ambrose so I could get more access to things, even out here, but from what I can tell, being friendly with him won't please his sister at all. And she runs Hayle.

"My ego's always hungry. Cannot be sated."

Lucifer needs more, wants more, maybe will get sick anyway because Istredd's more than--Istredd's simply more. The angels before his Fall fawning over him and the demon fanatics worshiping the ground he walked on nearly to the point where it bothered him to be in their immediate presence. Distance. He always needed an invisible wall between them and him, but he still wanted it all.

He pulls lightly at the hairs at the back of Istredd's head.

"I don't think you get it yet." After all, Lucifer said as much. He didn't know what Istredd was, couldn't put it into words or even complete thoughts to share between their minds. 'Unparalleled' remained the only fitting word. "But I won't let you forget."

His stomach twists, unreadable, at mention of Ambrose. "Nicknames my brothers use, not for bed; Ambrose? Also not for bed."

"You'll be getting a steady diet of my adoration from now on, don't worry."

Istredd knows that ego isn't entirely correct anyway. In some ways Lucifer is, he has a sense of drama and grandiosity, but he's also displayed to Istredd himself that he's deeply insecure too. That is mostly why he sees no problem in giving him compliments and all the affection he can handle. He's hungry because a part of him is starving for it. As an insecure person who never learned how to fake it, he does understand.

He smiles and lifts his head from Lucifer's neck to press their foreheads together, comfortable and content. "My ego on the other hand could use a little massaging, from time to time." The most confident Istredd's ever been was just displayed between them. Apparently sex is one of his top five confidence areas.

He is surprised to hear their typical political talk stops at Ambrose in here, but he hmms thoughtfully, deciding to give in since they're curled up naked in bed and he doesn't care enough to argue. "I didn't know we were making some bed rules, but fine."

"Mmmm. How kind of you. But I thought we figured out your ego being inflated would do no one any favors," he jokes. "I suppose we'll have to find a happy medium."

Ambrose is a particular complicated problem that Lucifer files into the category of Won't Talk About and very much will just shrug it off like it was nothing if it ever does come up. So, y'know, still feeding into their troubles with talking, but hey. They've already made some progress, and far as he's concerned, Ambrose is from before.

Also he does think the guy is incompetent (Yennefer's opinion heavily feeds into that) and a replaceable figurehead.

No one needs that in bed.

"You technically started it," he sings. "We already have some though, both unspoken and otherwise." He counts them with a finger each against Istredd's temple. "You don't let me be cold, I don't tap you unconscious."

"Not inflated to your level, maybe, but a compliment here and there wouldn't kill me." Istredd ruffles his hair. "You could say you like my eyes and not mention burning them out of my skull." Semantics! He is joking though, this was a part of a sweet moment with them, since Istredd was making it clear he wanted everything Lucifer was.

Istredd on the other hand sees Ambrose as someone who he can probably get something out of, if he plays it right. He's always dealt with him by asking Strange and Yennefer to play as mediator, but they shouldn't have to do that forever. It's probably partly because a part of Istredd does default to Brotherhood mentality, and Ambrose as High Mage does give off Mage Council vibes. Some things are unlearned with time.

"Oh is that the trade off? I definitely don't want you to get cold then." He drapes himself even more on top of Lucifer with that, a leg over his to hook him in. "I am never going to get over how snuggly you are." It is a delight compared to how much time it took them to get to PDA. Then they're in bed like this and Lucifer is all over him. It's perfect.

"Oh, but you should know I could burn your eyes out of your skull," he says. "It was very, very important." He is mentally laughing, but it does turn honest. Your mind is striking. A human mind matching up to mine? Not shorting out and flatlining that first time we shared thoughts? He kisses Istredd's forehead. Should've been impossible.

See, he can do things as asked. Sometimes. When he feels like. On a whim.

It's like asking a cat to behave and then not being surprised when the cat acquiesces or knocks your favorite mug to the floor, drink and all.

Boa-constrictor snakes have special heat-sensing pits on their faces that allow them to detect the body heat of their prey. They are nocturnal hunters. They rely on heat-sensing abilities to hunt in the dark. He wraps comfortably around Istredd with all four of his limbs. And probably his wings. They're very much a not-here deal, ethereal links, there when needed, perceived next-to-never. They kill their prey by cutting off their blood supply.

Sorry Istredd did you expect a normal response to Lucifer's 'snuggly' self.

Very Funny.

At least he's not (currently) cutting off your blood supply.

"I stand by what I said. If I could, I would." Hook up with his angel self. Getting Lucifer to genuinely laugh is one of the best feelings. For someone so prone to humor and dry wit, it's not easy to get him to relax this way. One of the special things for them.

Istredd didn't entirely expect him to give a compliment, he wasn't expecting one, but he is pleased. He likes compliments to his intelligence, considering it is important to him. He's cultivated his mind on purpose and he mentally preens. Well you were actively trying not to kill me and a part of you subconsciously wanted me to succeed. That helps. Maybe taking a little shine off the nice words but continuing to highlight the ways he's different will work. I guess that means we both fell for our minds first. Even if in Lucifer's case it was more about an interest in his brain rather than a falling.

Istredd listens to him explain about the snakes, deeply amused and also intrigued by where this is all going. He knows now that snakes are close to Lucifer's heart and he chuckles as he is completely wrapped up in his embrace. His fingers make soothing circles on his back, tracing patterns.

Should I worry that you might strangle me to death and then devour my corpse? It would be very rude.

I didn't need you alive that badly, he argues. Yet. Istredd was right at the time: what affected Lucifer affected him, but he was hardly a Necessary Factor. Lucifer's effort in the equation was mild. Everything else was Just Istredd. And maybe pushing that is just Lucifer slathering that shine right back on. It was very much all you.

But maybe he did take an interest in that mind. Who's to say?

(Eventually, Lucifer will be able to recognize and understand it, but not right now.)

He thinks about devouring Istredd and grins deviously. It would be very nice, he argues, with enough surrounding the thought that he's simply being contradictory just because he can. He likes it, what can he say. Just as he's begrudgingly adopted snakes as a connection to him, he's well-accustomed to the phrase 'devil's advocate'. Maybe even likes that one.

It's rare that he likes the things humans slap to his identity. He'll accept the ones he can.

Edited 2023-05-05 07:27 (UTC)

You probably haven't come across many humans who can do what I can. As far as what Istredd has heard of his world, there are demons and angels and perhaps other creatures, but not mages in the sense he has. But I'll take any and all compliments about my mind, I like to think it is my best feature. A feature very few people get to experience on Lucifer's level. Intelligence is a shield of his too, logic and facts over all else.

He smiles at that grin, he finds it very charming. His favorite smiles are the genuine ones, but he likes Lucifer's mischief a great deal. He has so few of it himself, so he likes their dynamic. Only if it's the fun kind. He raises an eyebrow at that, amused.

"Sometimes I can't believe I managed to hide my feelings from you as long as I did. I'm pretty sure I was sloppy with our bond and you just didn't know the difference." Lucifer's not used to this. He must have assumed the feelings were normal for a close friendship, and it is true. The romantic aspect is only a slight shift.

Maybe the fun kind, he allows.

He considers Istredd's words, thinking about ever time there was a slip of affection, something just a little off and out of place, but that--that was just Istredd. Arguably that had been Situation Normal from the man, far as Lucifer was concerned. Nothing specifically for Lucifer, nothing that wasn't just Istredd as Istredd when it came to friendship.

It's really difficult wading your way through first-time friendships when both your best friends are telepaths.

"Yeaaaaah," he drawls, mildly miffed. But then if he had recognized any of the slip-ups for what they were he'd likely have just stared at them in confusion and just let them go again. Because really, what the hell else was he going to do with them? Pick them apart? Talk about them like normal people?

Ha!

"Thaaaat... sounds the most likely." He thinks about their bond reestablished and finally seeing Istredd in Nocwich. "... You know, in hindsight, you were awfully sloppy."

"We've never had a normal bond, that's part of it. How I felt has always been what you knew between us." The fact that Istredd had it bad for him was why they ended up here. Too close. Too intertwined with one another. He probably should feel bad about it since like he told Lucifer before, he didn't really know what he was signing up for.

I told you when we did it that it was just for communication and I'd avoid emotional bleed as much as possible. An appropriate bond would be more like.... Istredd pulls back and builds a wall of a kind between them. As he once described, they can feel the bond there, it would be easy to reach out to communicate or connect in an emergency, but none of his emotions are felt now. It's more like a polite handshake than the mental equivalent of what they're doing in bed now, on top of each other.

Showing it probably puts into view how much Istredd messed up what he was supposed to do. Lucifer warned him about his anger bleed and that was not what happened. He drops that block. Sorry. I really was the screw up this time. Istredd is a little sorry but not a lot.

Lucifer nearly swats at the block in irritation, which is far kinder than Istredd banging on his own wall the one time Lucifer forced something up between them in order to keep Istredd's raging mind from Lucifer. Of course this being an example means it's nothing at all like that night's had been, but it's still something off-putting. Something that shouldn't be there.

Maybe had it always been like this from the start it wouldn't bother him so much.

"Eh." Peas in a pod we are. Lucifer had all but snarled at him about being the screw up for the bond being the way it was. Screw ups bonded together.

Being without it in the pit was one of the worst things. And that is saying a great deal considering they were starved, dehydrated, hunted by monsters, and experimented on. Not that I would have wanted you to experience any of that. Istredd probably would have put up a wall to protect him regardless. It's more about the ability to reach out and touch him.

His fingers trace patterns on Lucifer's back, tucking his nose into Lucifer's neck and staying there contently. Warm and close. Maybe he shouldn't talk about that when they're in a good mood, but it came into his mind.

I've never had a bond this deep. We are trained to be very careful. Most of them have the exact one he just displayed. They can communicate easily but that is mostly it, outside of an important distinction or emotion. He is saying it's deeper than the one he had with Yennefer, although that one was cut off pretty sharply.

To be fair Lucifer would have equally walled off during it all, for nearly just the same reason as to why he avoided the Horizon. Keep that distance, yes, only he'd want to keep his rage from saturating Istredd's mind.

But it would have been nice to feel that mental pulse that Istredd was still alive. Some bit of reassurance that may have helped him sleep better, anyway.

I bet if someone in your group had an un-boring mind like an archangel that would've been different, he argues. Istredd's curiosity getting the better of him and all that.

It would have made him feel less alone, maybe given him more will to live. Istredd did try to care, but he was tired. Yennefer did find him in the Horizon on the second week and got it into his mind to keep fighting when he was flagging. That is what he needed. But his bond with her is temporarily broken. All they had was those five minutes. He wanted Lucifer.

Impossible though, and probably not the best to keep lingering, although it's difficult not to do that when he still has troubled dreams and a scared mindset. Sleeping with Lucifer every night has done wonders but it hasn't fixed the problem. That will just take more time.

Mmm, doubtful. You're special. I love your personality too. Even when you're being a prick. That's what Istredd meant about falling in love with his mind first. It wasn't the last or only thing he fell in love with. Sometimes especially when you're being a prick. He smiles into Lucifer's skin and kisses his shoulder, biting it gently. He is generally attracted to not-so-nice people, it's true.

It explains why no matter how much Lucifer tried to push him into anger or leaving him, it wouldn't work. Istredd is drawn to the very things he thought would push him away. There were a lot of should I strangle him or kiss him moments.

It's not like Lucifer sleeps much better. There's usually some part of him, physically or mentally or both, that is making contact with a pulse point. That if Istredd wakes up, he typically does too, that he might know Istredd's resting heart rate better than his own.

He might, eventually, work through that.

Maybe.

I would hope that does it for you considering I am a prick most of the time. If Istredd wasn't about that they were not going to last for very long, but then they've made it this long for being friends. Months? It really has been. So you did neither and instead just simmered on low heat.

You're only sometimes annoying. With me, at least. Lucifer's always been very tolerant of Istredd's eccentricities too. He pulled him out of the library a few times in the start, and out of the Horizon. Dragged him to Nocwich. Got him out into the world when they were still merely roommates, he didn't leave him behind. Other people are a different story.

Low heat until now. Istredd smiles and lifts his head, drawing Lucifer into a nice slow kiss. It isn't to start anything up though, it's the opposite. You need your beauty sleep. A tease.

"I love you." Now that he's allowed to say it, he's going to. "Go to bed."

Only sometimes? Well, I suppose that's from you simply being accustomed to me. Because really, Lucifer would've driven most people up the wall for his being exactly who he is, with no training wheels. He wasn't going to hide it. If he was going to share space with someone he wasn't going to sleep in masks, even he needed a break. Either Istredd was going to put up with it, or he was going to find a new room.

He stayed.

Well, they both did.

He does, briefly, quirk a smile in response. The small, rare ones. I really do. You wore me out. There you go, Istredd. A parting gift for your smugness. He settles in closer to the mattress, still close, and makes sure the blankets are around himself comfortably.

Don't forget about the glass in the morning.

Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

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it's a wrap