Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

[magicalarchaeologist]

WHO: Istredd and anyone!
WHAT: Catch-all for April
WHERE: Thorne, Horizon
WHEN: EARLY April for now, will put later prompts up as time goes on
WARNINGS: PTSD from the event, NSFW thread in comments





Starters Below!

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[magicalarchaeologist]

Istredd went deep into unconsciousness with no thought possible, as Lucifer promised. No dreams, nothing haunting him, so in a way it was very peaceful. As Lucifer predicted though, when he started to come to, the panic almost instantaneously clicked in about uncertainty where he was. He couldn't smell the mud and there is a mattress underneath him, but there still is a second of uncertainty. Lucifer's voice in his head soothes that as he continues to slowly come awake.

Lucifer? he murmurs a question, confused at first, his brain feeling hazy and full of cobwebs. This is not his bed, he knows that much, it smells like Lucifer, and there are legs on him. It is all very confusing and surreal, his mind taking an extra second or two to jar back. His eyebrows furrow as his eyes blink open, half-hearing Lucifer talking. 

And then it hits him abruptly. The bed. The moment before he passed out, when Lucifer's forehead was to his, and he questioned Lucifer's name in the same way. He flushes all at once at the memory of Lucifer on him, warm and solid, joking about staying between him and the door. Their kisses both desperate and lingering, all of it seeming like something out of a dream, but he knows in his gut it was real. But there is no way that he fell asleep naturally with Lucifer finally desiring him, and that clicks into place. Sorry, Lucifer murmured in his head. 

Lucifer is completely correct. He sits up abruptly and looks at him. Fury immediately floods him and his jaw clenches, his blue-eyed gaze pure ice and narrowed at him. It feels like a violation but it's also baffling, it's hurtful. Did he not want it? Was it a distraction so he could make him sleep? Was this some kind of a sick game? He'd never played Istredd before and the thought he might have could make him sick. He tries to move and push him away but Lucifer's much stronger. 

Then there is the mental block happening which means his intense feelings aren't actually getting through and he mentally kicks against that wall, angry about that as well. He slams against it harder than he's ever done before out of sheer frustration, but not enough to crack it. He wants to pull that wall down and force him to feel his fury but also his pain and confusion too, the betrayal that is stemming as an automatic reaction to something he can't understand yet.
 
He sucks in a sharp breath and considers tossing things at Lucifer from the other side of the room until he let him move. To what? Storm out of the room? Shout at him? Probably. Instead he is properly stuck and his fingers curl into a fist, definitely considering punching him in his stupid face. Yet it's Lucifer and him, so despite the pit in his stomach, he is going to let him talk. 

"You need a much better fucking explanation than that, Lucifer. Who would you even ----"

The incredulity and anger takes a turn to be still between them but also up a notch mixed with a little bit of horror. Yennefer. He means Yennefer. He knocked Istredd out and talked to her about what, about them kissing? Istredd puts his head in his hands and just sits with that for a moment. It is embarrassing. It is so outrageously stupid and she is going to laugh at him about it. He is going to have to deal with that later.

"Yennefer already knows, you idiot." He looks at Lucifer through his fingers and just. Hates him a little bit for this entire situation he put them in. "She knows, like everyone else that has ever met us knows. How could you think -- why would you assume!" Istredd lies back down on the bed to give himself a second to process.

"I've felt this way for months."

[thedevilwhorose]

Months.

That's likely his answer to Yennfer's 'I am going to assume you and Istredd finally fucked.' Well. She's going to be even more annoyed than she was already.

Lucifer doesn't care. Much.

(He absolutely cares. He wasn't lying when he said he respected her. But it had to be her.)

It's been hours. His conversation with Yennefer only took moments. Lucifer has spent more conscious time on his mind than he has in over a month. The fatigue is hitting him just from renewed not sleeping, adding on the weariness from those pesky things like emotions.

"Gee, I don't know, Istredd, maybe because the most intense feelings I've ever felt from you is when you slept with Yennefer," he fires back, out of tune.

Not talking about the bond crashed out, it was only a matter of time before this did, too. It shouldn't have mattered. He didn't think it would. He assumed he could've just rode it out with his zero acknowledgment to the dizzying punch of emotions, but here they are. Again. Again and again it isn't even Lucifer purposefully pushing boundaries as it usually is. It's just. His own failings. At understanding.

He puts his hands over his head at the rattling wall between them. "If I feel anymore rage I'm going to be sick," he admits. Like reaching that level of intoxication and just losing it all. Hopped up on it as much as he was--for other people, not himself--his grace roils at even the thought of his mind touching Istredd's and he shivers. Feels a spike of his own again and forces it away. Istredd, Yennefer--do they not get it? He wasn't going to ask Yennefer to teach him or whatever bullshit but he doesn't know. How the hell is he supposed to know?

The closest any angel could come to it is maybe Gabe--who is very much dead, courtesy of Lucifer--or Castiel, in his eternal, suffering, pining. He is not having this conversation with Castiel!!

"I thought fine, I can handle being a temporary replacement. I can handle just... being the one present." He laughs, and it cracks, and ruins completely the odd endearment they had picked up, "A placeholder." He glances towards Istredd for the first time and even that feels like too much, too close to the one emotion he thought built him and he wants nothing to do with. "And then you kept talking... and I realized I might be wrong. But why would I talk to you. I don't--"

He breaks off, and releases Istredd from the hold he put him in by flying a blip across the room to sit on Istredd's bed, leaned over, sinking his hands into his own hair.

As much as he doesn't want to, as nauseous as it makes him, he brings the wall down. All his churning thoughts, without static. That Istredd would wake up and realize that Lucifer, as close as he is, as much as there is a bleed of similarities between them, is not Yennefer.

Millennia of abandonment and inadequacy and Lucifer's indescribable feeling for Istredd just lingering on Lucifer's surface thoughts and it's not enough. He knows what he did. And there's that quiet part of him that thinks he's justified but he knows he screwed up. But it isn't just that he thought he needed Yennefer's rationale that's rooting around through his thoughts, it's that he didn't need Istredd's kindness. If Lucifer was correct in his assumption he couldn't handle Istredd's kindness.

"Just do whatever you have to," Lucifer says to the floor. Yell, scream, throttle me. Just do it.

[magicalarchaeologist]

Something in his expression softens when he shoots that at him, almost as if he's jealous. It's true that his relationship with Yenenfer is complicated and anyone who showed interest would have to deal with that. It really was the type of thing Istredd would usually have said something about, but he'd been in the moment. "Maybe I should have talked to you about Yennefer and explained our situation, but Lucifer, I thought you would never want me. So it seemed like a moot point."

Why talk about that when it didn't matter? It also was about a part of him wanting Lucifer's jealousy just like he'd wanted it from Yennefer. Istredd is far from innocent here, he can be difficult too, maybe even a little manipulative at times. When he has feelings like this, they can be very irrational and strong, and he gets pulled out of his composure. It's why he is so deeply attracted to people who cause that, thus putting himself off kilter.

His anger slips away, always so hard to keep, the moment Lucifer calls himself a placeholder. Istredd looks genuinely surprised because it never would have occurred to him. "I would never do that. Wait, don't, Luci---" He had been struggling to get up a moment ago and now that he's free, he wishes Lucifer hadn't flown away. The distance between them stretches on from more than the concept of space. But he'd been afraid he would legitimately disappear, so at least he's staying.

The wall comes down and Istredd feels like the emotions are blending in so well they might as well be his. "No, no, no." Istredd shoots up from the bed and crosses to Lucifer in a second, kneeling down in front of him. Istredd is distressed at those terrible feelings especially since so many are assuming things about him, about them, and he pushes at him something strong and real.

This is more than adoration or affection or amusement, it's powerful and painful and if Lucifer's never felt love before, it may not make sense to him, but it can't be held back anymore. It's not kindness or pity or anger, it's pure and he has been holding back so long it might be a little much. Istredd reaches out with gentle shaking hands to touch his head, his knee, trying to give him comfort.

"I'm sorry, I should have known. I'm sorry." He knows Lucifer so well and yet he was willfully blind because of his own feelings. "This has nothing to do with Yennefer or anyone else. I kissed you because I want you. I --- fuck it, why am I still afraid?" That is said more to himself, frustrated, but it's true, he feels fear, but he breathes through it. "I love you. Please don't run, I just -- I can't help it."

That's where the fear comes from, that this will be too much, that he's gone over the line. Attraction they can admit to, affection, desire, those are all reasonable, but this is a lot. Istredd knows that, it's why he's been hiding it. Lucifer barely can handle caring for people, he probably doesn't want to think about something this strong, but. It's the truth.

[thedevilwhorose]

He did expect violence.

What, really, does that say about him? About God, about Michael?

He expected violence and the shock at its absence is palpable. Ringing chasms between them. He just sinks lower into himself, hands moving from his hair to his neck, arms crossed at its back.

He doesn't understand, that much is clear. The little bits of his thoughts wafting through.

He knows love. He does. For his Father, certainly. The concrete, unquestionable love. That's normal, isn't it?

He knows love. For his siblings. Transcending rational thought. All-encompassing. So close to duty but it was always more than that. Always, but so shattered by Lucifer himself. As most things are. It's easier to break things than keep them together.

Maybe the closest approximation to love he's felt is the lust Istredd had for Yennefer, and that's really how they're in this closed loop of time. How they're stuck here because Lucifer doesn't know how to separate the scope of the world from himself. So accustomed to picking people apart, finding their weaknesses and extrapolating on them and damning every single soul he had contact with.

"You can't," he says in weak response, refusing to pull out of the bundle he's put himself in. There's enough self-hatred pouring off of Lucifer to bathe the entire room. Every single title tacked to him, few self-given. Just splat against the walls like their multitude of wards. Many only Wanda has heard actually spoken.

The Devil. Satan. Serpent. Deceiver. Great Big Bag of Dicks. Dark Prince. Fallen One. Abomination. Prince of Darkness. The Adversary. Dark Lord. King of Lies. Heaven's Most Hated. The Dark Angel. Lord of Flies. Father of Lies. King Snake.

It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

He's fine, isn't he?

It's what he's told himself for a month, isn't it?

He's so close to running. It'd be easy. He knows now that he can wall off Istredd, no matter how unhealthy it feels. He could run, throw up a wall, and just be gone, as much as anyone in Thorne can.

He doesn't. He stays put, as much as it grates on his nerves.

"Why would you know," he forces out, because he can't just keep stewing in his thoughts, "we don't talk, Istredd." They figured that out in Nocwich, didn't they? So much spoken, but never enough, right?

[magicalarchaeologist]

Istredd hasn't loved much either but he does know the feel of it. He's loved Yennefer for most of his life and it hasn't wavered, but he didn't think himself capable of finding it again. That's not to say he thinks only one love has to exist, it just seemed so impossible with him being withdrawn. With him being a nobody too. His other relationships never lasted because opening up couldn't happen. This only did happen because he didn't realize it until it was too late.

He knows what he feels is real. He doesn't expect Lucifer to say it back or even feel it back, this situation is not contingent on it being mutual. Istredd said what he meant, he spoke from the heart. It's out there. He finds himself not regretting it despite Lucifer seeming to struggle with the confession. He tentatively brushes his fingers through Lucifer's hair, nervous about this tension. Is he still allowed to touch him? He wants to, he wants his hands all over Lucifer. He'll settle for this. He still knees before him.

"I can," he counters. "I didn't talk about it because of what you said some time ago, about how you don't hook up like humans do." Istredd can see now that it could have several meanings, such as Lucifer doesn't care for one night stands. All this time he took it to me a flat truth, too difficult of a hurdle.

"So I accepted it was impossible and dealt with it." Hid it, stuffed it down, longed for him from afar. He couldn't talk about something he wasn't allowed to have.

"I've never talked to anyone more than you. We've already been domestic partners. All we'd have to do is make it official if you wanted." Istredd makes it sound so easy to obtain but his breath is practically caught, held to know if this is possible. "But Lucifer, I need you to put me out of my misery if you don't want me. I spent all this time waiting and hoping, and to get this close and lose it, it's hard to swallow." If he has to swallow it down he will. Losing his friendship is too terrible a thought. After everything they went through.

He's giving him an out and hoping he will ignore it. "What do you want to talk about? Yennefer? Our reunion was a surprise that's why I didn't shield you in time. We'd struggled before about that making it clear to one another where we were." Lucifer might remember that in the start he bitterly said she didn't care about him. They are far past that. "Once we did, we were able to talk through it and get to a good place. And to be frank, you say all the time you two are similar, and you have some personality traits in common, but you aren't the same person. You are both your own person. I love you for different reasons."

[thedevilwhorose]

"I am so much closer to human than I have any right to be," he confesses. It would normally be a point of contention. Now it's just... a reality that few realize. How little of himself he feels without the peak of his grace, the prime of his power.

And yet he's learned.

Oh, he's hated that he's learned.

He tries to remember what he said to Istredd. What they were talking about.

Yennefer, of course.

Of course.

"I didn't think I was," he says, his mind on the memory. Interested. In people. In hooking up. The Human Things. "You'll do well to remember I didn't think I'd care about people at the time either," he adds, a bit of a whine making it through, so there's still some sign of him there in all his moroseness.

That was proven very, very wrong. Very recently. He cared about a handful of people and all of Thorne knew it, and then some. Any aloof representation he had was far out of anyone's mind.

"Before the negotiations." Because that, right there, matters significantly to Lucifer, and it isn't just because of everything that happened with the bond itself.

'You'll have to excuse me for my bluntness, but fuck them.'

"I don't want to talk about Yennefer I'm pretty sure she's going to stab me the next time I see her, if I'm honest."

As though there's much else left that they should have talked about after their bond and Yennefer, leaving only Lucifer's issues with family and how he fears even after Istredd's assurances that nothing will change, it's still there. His possessiveness. Michael, fine, that was easy. Lucifer could share Istredd with Michael because what would Michael even do with that.

Castiel previously would be the most human out of any of them. The most watered-down angel. Surface level too long, attached to his charge. Sure, he's unlikely to find another human to lash himself to, but that friendship still rankles Lucifer's nerves. Like something Castiel says will change them, even though Lucifer's been impossibly honest with Istredd about the things he's done and how he has no regrets. It's still there, irrational. But he doesn't mention it.

Lucifer hasn't recoiled from Istredd's touch. He hasn't reacted, either, so not a winning argument one way or the other, but Lucifer's generally been clear when he doesn't want something, always withdrawing or putting space with a tasteless comment.

"How do you keep asking me questions I don't have any answer to," he says. "No one else does this." Except maybe Wanda, but he feels like it's been awhile since he said those three, loathed 'I don't know' words to her. Istredd keeps. Consistently. Drawing them out of him and he doesn't want to say them again despite the uncertainty trailing around in his mind.

For all that he said they don't talk, Lucifer doesn't want to talk.

Well. He doesn't have to, does he?

You're mine. He'd told Lenore as much. Again, that possessiveness. Not a tool, not a resource, certainly not someone to stand between him and a blade-wielding revenge-hopped maniac. I don't not want you. That's not helpful. Eugh. He withdraws slightly from the crouch he's been held in to look at Istredd. I just don't know if it's the way you need me to.

[magicalarchaeologist]

It makes sense now that it's said. At the time Lucifer genuinely couldn't imagine wanting someone like that. This was all done over months of growing closeness for both of them. Istredd should have seen that but he was in his head too much about what he wanted and what he didn't think he could have.

It's also about being a nobody. It will always be a little bit about that. He is surrounded by extraordinary people and he doesn't feel like one of them. Lucifer's famous (for bad things, but still), an archangel with more power he can ever understand. His doubts about himself are still there, his self-esteem only slightly better than Lucifer's own. He doesn't hate himself but he thinks he is ordinary, boring. This all started because Lucifer kept seeming to find him interesting, special, wanted to protect him and chose his counsel over others.

"You're the one bringing her into this. I'd be happy for her to be out of our relationship from here on out." Not that he won't talk to her and clear some things up, he will do that. They are much better at communicating now and Lucifer did start this. But after that, he wants this to be his.

"I'm sorry but if we're going to make our way through this, we have to ask and answer questions. Otherwise we are going to keep having these problems where we're assuming things about each other." So clarification has to happen. It's not something Lucfier likes, he understands that, Istredd is more of a talker. He still avoided this out of his own fears about losing it. He continues to gently run his fingers through Lucifer's hair.

I don't not want you. Istredd sighs because it's still not enough. It isn't confirmation, it isn't reassurance. He understands he is asking so much from him but at the same time, it seems like the less they can be clear, the harder it will be to navigate this. He stays where he is, dropping his hand from Lucifer to look at his face. Eyes flicker to his lips, wanting more than anything to kiss him again, but he forces himself to look back up.

I'm going to tell you what I want. I want to be with you as more than friends. We don't have to label it or pick a title, I don't care about that. Mostly the big changes will be acknowledging our feelings and being comfortable with them, and, well. Istredd is old and has done this a few times before yet he still feels a little shy and awkward. But he started this. He flushes slightly all the same.

I want physical intimacy. I want to kiss you, and touch you, and have sex. It's not a dealbreaker if you aren't into it, but I want to be clear. I've been lusting after you for months. He has hidden it pretty well and only checked out Lucifer or admired him when he didn't notice. But it has been there the whole time. You're so attractive, he said last night, and it was one of the truest things he could say.

[thedevilwhorose]

Look, okay, he knows he's the one who brought Yennefer into this. He's not apologetic and he needed it, needed her, despite the fact that she's never going to let either of them off for it. Ever.

He breathes deep. Out. And then nods once.

"Can we not do this here?" he asks. "I need... space." Not from you, he adds with a light mental thwap. But the feeling of claustrophobia follows, an unnerved swell. He's real good with these four walls, they're the safest he feels anywhere in Abraxas, but he needs to be able to move. Pace.

"I'd say your place or mine," he attempts to joke. It mostly falls flat. "But the library doesn't work either." He needs sky. Part of the reason his domain is built the way it is isn't just to display gems of Earth but to also give him the illusion of open air in such a cramped-feeling faction.

He's put his domain back to the way it was before Istredd's capture, with some thoughts about what changes he'd make with his own inspiration, but he hasn't gotten started yet.

[magicalarchaeologist]

Istredd smiles because he appreciates that Lucifer is already expressing something. Requesting a physical space that will make him more comfortable is communicating, and then also reassures Istredd he doesn't want him to leave. "Yes, of course." He runs his fingers through Lucifer's hair again and then sits on his bed next to him. He pushes back until his back is to the wall and tugs him lightly to do the same. Best way to feel comfortable while they go into the Horizon.

He hasn't been back to Lucifer's domain since he tried while in the pit and only managed to see the snake and the little piece of refuge that Lucifer put there. He lay in it for a few minutes, hoping it would make him feel closer to Lucifer, but it only made him feel more lonely.

Istredd appears directly into Lucifer's domain only seconds later. He looks like his old self in here, since it is about he sees himself usually. He doesn't look as thin and pale, his scars long gone, no pain in his side. Honestly the wide open space helps him too. He has been cramped and closed in for weeks, unable to see anything outside of the dark and the closely controlled space.

He has some hope now. Lucifer hasn't rejected him or his wishes yet. It would be a surprise but a welcome one if he actually got what he wanted for once.

[thedevilwhorose]

The mirror of sitting besides Istredd on a bed, just across the room from where they were before, isn't lost to Lucifer.

He hasn't been in the Horizon much in a month. The two times to reset his domain and the two times he left a note of his own in Sam Wilson's domain. He still hasn't been back to Istredd's domain.

The beach is always the place he directs people to in order to find his domain. It's always the first point he finds himself in. Dersti must be elsewhere, and the flamingos take off when he appears. It's only the calcified animals left nearby around them.

Just what anyone needs for the backdrop to their charged conversations.

He takes a moment to simple soak in the red lake. Even if he changes things around, he'll keep this. It's his favorite.

There is an ease about him for the first time since he woke up to thinking Istredd was missing, hours ago. Settled back into himself, out of a mostly dark room, into an expanse that feels right. He'd forgotten the comfort of the Horizon.

He shakes his head, spins about in the sand, and starts to move, keeping a steady check on his mind, that it remains open and unclouded since he's not keeping Istredd in his physical focus.

"Okay, okay," he's saying, hands moving, "look, that all sounds--great, okay?" Maybe not the comfortable with their feelings bit because excuse you, he's barely comfortable with breathing some days. "But full disclosure, right?" Right. That's what he's going with, regardless what Istredd might say. He makes circles in the sand with his feet as he walks. Nonsense patterns.

He can put aside pride and ignorance and whatever else is under the rest of it. He's probably done worse things. He's just a bit out of his depth is all.

Fish out of water.

Devil out of Hell?

Ha.

"Full disclosure," he repeats, "since we're here now," here talking, not here in the Horizon, "I... have slept with one person. Twice. Briefly, end of relationship. Not really mine either." Host complications? Host complications. "And that was a woman." He waves his hands. "I'm not saying I don't have knowledge--it's just Hell Knowledge. So y'know... not the greatest reference point."

Most angels got to witness Earth from the Heaven vantage point. Lucifer had Hell. Big deal. When you really get down to it, it's all the same.

"I'm not... I'm not opposed. But. This it not my forte. At all. Despite that most people seem to think it is!" Cough. Lenore. "It's really not."

[magicalarchaeologist]

Lucifer can't stop moving but Istredd stays completely still, arms crossed, eyebrows up, waiting for him to actually formulate words as he apparently needed to be here to do it. Which is fine, because now that he's here, he sees why that would be comforting. It is why he has been spending so much time in the Horizon himself, more than he probably should, but hiding in his library has given him comfort. But this is more like a breath of fresh air, despite all of this air being fake.

Now that he's confessed his love he isn't so quick to squash his fuzzy feelings for Lucifer when they happen. Like now, watching him spin around in the sand, he finds it frankly adorable. A problem, for sure, that he is this soft for a man who needs to pace around to talk about something important. But here they are. And Lucifer has always talked with his hands.

Well at least it sounds great, apparently. He waits for Lucifer to get to the point, he is literally walking around it. That news though does genuinely shock him for a moment, but after a second of that, he realizes that it is the only thing that makes sense. "I sometimes forget that despite you being billions of years old, so little of that was ... out." Out of the cage. In a human body. Capable of doing any of this.

"So I would be your first. Relationship and man." Listen is it rational, is it reasonable, is it a little embarrassing, that he kind of loves that? It's a tiny bit of an ego boost, being this special to Lucifer. Istredd is trying not to be smug about it because he knows it's childish, and yet. No big deal, just a powerful and brilliant archangel who never had feelings for anyone before him. Before him. None of this is shielded from Lucifer, he isn't bothering with shields right now.

"You don't need Hell Knowledge, Lucifer. You have me." AKA Istredd can show him, he knows, he doesn't mind it. He loves educating people and it might finally be in a fun way. But he does shake his head after a moment.

"But 'I'm not opposed' isn't the same thing as 'I want that too.' I told you if you don't want to have sex, it's not a deal breaker. If and when it does happen, I'd like an enthusiastic yes." Like he thought he had when they were kissing not that long ago. When Lucifer was on top of him and he was thrilled beyond reason. Until that is the energy, it's just ... not worth it.

"So we can table sex, if that's the problem." Istredd can negotiate. "What about the relationship?"

[thedevilwhorose]

Shut up. How many times do I need to tell you you're not nobody?

Says that 'powerful and brilliant archangel' who has little value for himself.

Lucifer's been actively dancing around the words 'I want' and he doesn't quite realize it until Istredd's pushed the issue, enough that the realization stops his movements completely and he's staring at a single speck of sand among the thousands in an odd, unwavering shock.

Oh.

Well that.

Makes sense.

He's never been exactly allowed to want anything. He's taken it, what he can get. But wants are a different entity entirely. A different problem. Wanting something leaves so much more room for disappointment when that's all he's ever gotten since his Fall.

It's a very strange mix of equal measure confusion and understanding twined together towards Istredd's mind, strands of thoughts reaching back towards Lucifer's impossible sudden clarity.

How peculiar.

"I..." He blinks and tilts his head up at Istredd in that bird-like twitch.

He nearly says he's pretty sure they might already be in one, but that's still continuing the dance of words he's been doing.

And then.

Lucifer laughs.

A strange, melodic, music box sound to their thoughts. No malicious intent. Effervescent.

"'Why am I still afraid'?" he echoes. This is the same exact fight he had within himself when they were building the bond between them. A dangerous storm, but clearing up, just trickles of rainfall spattering left.

Because here he is recognizing he's terrified to put himself out there, to truly want anything for the first time in years, and Istredd has already pulled open his own ribs and exposed his heart expecting the worst and Lucifer can't be damned to answer back?

No.

No.

Another laugh, bright. He steps across the sand, over a half-buried small bird, and stops in front of Istredd, shoving hands into his pockets. "Yeah," he says, "yeah, Istredd, I want that. The relationship, at least."

[magicalarchaeologist]

Well I'm not nobody to you. Istredd replies and there is absolutely smugness in his tone there. And that's good enough for me. All he really wanted was to be important to someone. It seemed like such an easy thing to want. He had other lovers and they wanted the same thing from him, but he could never do it, and here he has been, following Lucifer around with lovestruck eyes.

Istredd feels less afraid now that he has said the words and not taken them back. It's comfortable. It feels good and right. He did the brave thing and spoke from the heart. Whatever happens from here, he can be glad. Except it seems like his confession is going to lead somewhere good, and being rewarded for doing the scary thing is new. Fantastic, too.

"Because hope is rare." He knows it was a rhetorical question, Lucifer echoing the same thing back to him, but the answer is true for both of them. They are not people who usually hope for better things for themselves. Being hopeful could lead to misery and loss. This beautiful connection between them always was a risk. So is putting a name to it.

The smile that blossoms from that confirmation is brilliant in a way never seen before because it lacks any reserve. He smiles like an idiot at him, ear to ear, and he's happy. Light and bubbly joy flows between them and he's thrilled and excited and still a little scared. Istredd closes the space and simply presses their foreheads together, a hand gentle on his arm, and that's all it takes for him to soak it in.

"This is all I need," he tells him softly. He means the clarity of Lucifer's feelings. A concrete agreement from him. These simple physical gestures are giving him the intimacy he craves. "I love you, Lucifer." The confession before was more or less forced out and now it is distinct. Direct. Fearless. He's saying it because he feels it and Lucifer deserves to hear it.

"And I don't need you to say it, and I don't need to have sex with you, I'm happy with this. You know that I'm telling the truth." Istredd's entirely truthful through their bond, there is no mistaking it. He is happy. He is content. Anything else is just frosting on the perfect cake. Istredd's hand moves up to behind Lucifer's neck, cradling him.

You're mine. He says it with such satisfaction.

[thedevilwhorose]

He doesn't say it back--wouldn't give Istredd something Lucifer hasn't put the puzzle together for. It's enough reassurance that he doesn't need to though. That he can still figure out the pieces of himself while knowing that there's someone else willing to be on the other side of it, not forced out of necessity, what Thorne's done to all of them.

They both want to be here for each other not for obligation. He didn't really think that a possibility, ever.

"I do seem to remember, however," Lucifer says airily, "something about you promising to keep me warm." It's said lightly but it comes with an annoyed thought about Istredd sleeping under Lucifer's bed.

Sex? Eh.

Sleep? Mmmm.

[magicalarchaeologist]

Istredd reassures him he doesn't have to say it because he really never wants that to hang over Lucifer's head. Like there is something missing because of him. He is secure in the fact Lucifer's feelings for him are real and unique. Nothing else matters above that. They have each other. They have for a long time, but there is still power in putting it into words. In acknowledging this.

He laughs because that was one of the first times he actively flirted with Lucifer, so having a callback like that right now is especially funny. Istredd pulls back to look at him, amused and playful, running fingers through his hair and ruffling it a little on purpose.

"Your bed or mine?" he teases. It's a tacit agreement that yes, if this means they share a bed now, and therefore body heat, he is all in. Sleeping will be a lot easier for both of them if they are near enough to each other for confirmation of life.

[thedevilwhorose]

Confirmation of life. Definitely, definitely what it's about.

"Mine's less effort," he says. What? He is tired. Istredd technically rested for a few hours, albeit an angelic-touch induced unconsciousness. But still rest. Lucifer was awake--his own fault, sure--but awake nonetheless. "Half your linen in under my bed."

[magicalarchaeologist]

Definitely about that except until the nightmares wane and they're still doing it. Istredd nods and fades from view as he snaps out of the Horizon on purpose. He is already in motion soon after since they do need sleep and maybe he is eager about this. He leans down and telekinetically pulls said linen out from underneath. They don't need any of that, so he tosses it on his bed to stay for now.

He wonders if they're going to negotiate this part but he's just going to do what he wants because he has the confidence now to do that. Istredd finds their pillows and puts them in place, sliding under the blanket to wait to see Lucifer's comfort level. It's strange to be the one stretched out on his bed like that, similar to the way he admired him not that long ago.

"You need sleep. If that static comes back I'm going to lose my mind." See, they can do this. They can talk like normal, act like normal, and know there is something else.

[thedevilwhorose]

"You think I like it for my mind?" Lucifer grumbles. "Bad enough I sometimes get it around me when I show up places--thank the Singularity for that." He's not actually sure Istredd's heard that lovely feature that Lucifer's had since the beginning. Lucifer typically is good about squashing it down when it tries to make a fuss.

Lucky for Istredd, Lucifer has little problem with this. He's a heat-leeching gremlin-octopus cat at his vessel's heart. He slides up under the blanket alongside Istredd, limbs latching around the man, laying claim and getting comfortable.

[magicalarchaeologist]

Istredd assumed the static was an angel thing, so he notes that away instead as a Singularity thing. He knows that Lucifer can't help it, he would have stopped it sooner if he could, but it still isn't the preference for a telepath this connected to someone else.

He is surprised at how eager Lucifer is to get close and wouldn't have expected him to be an instant snuggler. He absolutely loves it though. His delight is in the bond. Istredd makes certain the blanket is comfortably over them both and that Lucifer in particular is tucked in. His body heat will do more than any blanket could do on the warmth side.

He smiles and settles in close to him, no longer timid about it since it was Lucifer's idea first. An arm slinks in over Lucifer's side comfortably. "Don't change your mind in the morning." It is something Lucifer communicated being afraid of, and Istredd is not immune from that fear too. This was a huge deal for them both.

[thedevilwhorose]

Back at you, is the murmured thought because he's already dipping into sleep, worn as he is. They've had some nasty arguments before but Lucifer hasn't been this physically wrecked... ever. Nocwich the first time around was only bad because he hadn't known his limits yet. Since, he kept himself in check.

He didn't care this time around. There was work to get done and he was going to do it, anything else be damned.

In a way similar to Istredd, permission for touch has been granted, so he'll allow himself this without any fight.

He ends up half atop, half under Istredd by morning--which isn't that far away. He will not move before noon and he will keep Istredd there if he must. Istredd can go journal in the Horizon if he really needs to be busy.

Let the devil sleep.

But eventually he will begrudgingly wake up. He thinks he had a training session that he skipped. Whoops. Well, it wasn't with Natasha, and even if it was she'd forgive him, what with how hard it's been for them all to slip into old habits again.

The static has currently dwindled down to a very faint background hum. It might rise and spike again throughout the day when he's more conscious, but it is improving.

He thumps his head against Istredd's chest which is very much not his mattress and ah. There's that brief flash of his permanency issues, but it's less than he expected it to be.

[magicalarchaeologist]

Istredd only fully slept the day they all were returned and had healings and required rest. He was in pain and feeling sick and it was not difficult for him to simply pass out. Unconscious meant his mind couldn't torment him. He had good black out sleep for two days at most before his mind took back over. He only slept after that when Lucifer was nearby.

So he does sleep this time and while his mind isn't out, the dreams he has never seem to go dark. Strange, maybe, but he doesn't wake up in fear or struggle with the weight of it. If there was anything to fight, Istredd feels the weight of a person with him, he wouldn't have to be alone. He is curled up with Lucifer and he does wake up before him.

He blearily opens his eyes a few hours before and notes the way he is being octopus-held and smiles to himself. Istredd contently watches him for a little while, amazed that after months of longing, it happened. And he takes so much comfort in small gestures, always. Sharing a bed with Lucifer, not for one night, maybe for most nights? He likes that.

Istredd does not go into the Horizon because he wants to be right here when Lucifer wakes up, so he makes mental notes instead, he can put all of that down later. And he thinks about other things too. Their kids. The people in Thorne who fought so hard to get them back. Kyle, Natasha, Lenore. The other pit people. They're all connected to him now, he went from having almost no one to having friends in the double digits. And Lucifer. He has Lucifer.

Istredd notes when Lucifer seems to be stirring and snaps back to himself, and for a moment he tenses, waiting to see his reaction. He pushes any nerves aside and runs fingers through Lucifer's hair, slowly becoming one of his favorite things to do, as if that gesture almost like petting is soothing to him too.

Hello. He tangles their legs together a little because he can. Still with me?

[thedevilwhorose]

Still here. Didn't run sometime during the morning. Neither of them did. So that's something. New and tangible and not a bad thing. Maybe it's not a misshapen puzzle piece he's been looking for to get back into Thorne Life. No glue, no paint, no forcing it. Just something else entirely to connect the entire weave together.

It gives Lucifer some thoughts towards his domain, and that draws a small laugh out of him.

He stretches, but still remains tangled. "Finally, some real rest," he admits. He reaches up and knocks his knuckles lightly against Istredd's head. "See, lookit you, useful."

[magicalarchaeologist]

It is extremely domestic at the moment and technically they have been for awhile. Live together, do everything together, be best friends, rarely apart, so it's just a step up from what was already great about them. Because now it's out there. No hiding. Plus he gets to snuggle with Lucifer, ideal situation.

Istredd is smiling in a way that if he does it too long, it's going to start to hurt, it's too wide, he's too happy. He watches Lucifer stretch like a cat and shakes his head, scrunching up his nose when Lucifer taps his head with his knuckles. "That's me, your new useful security blanket."

He reaches up to snatch Lucifer's hand and then threads their fingers together. Holding hands seems perfectly reasonable after sleeping on top of each other.

"For the record, we can't sleep in this late every day. We both missed lessons." Although Istredd had every opportunity to wake Lucifer and try to make that happen, and he obviously didn't. And he's in no rush to leave the bed. In fact he leans closer, nudging Lucifer's shoulder with his head.

[thedevilwhorose]

"You're bonded to a rebel, I don't know what to tell you, man." Probably should've thought about that long before now, that's for sure. But Lucifer is grinning. "If I have to be responsible on occasion, you gotta play hooky. That's the balance." That's the bleed over. Honestly there are so many worse ways that Lucifer could be considered a bad influence to Istredd.

Skipping out on a lesson here and there? Ohhhhh, the travesty!

Istredd might have to be very lucky for Lucifer to do something so gauche as hold hands in public, but for the moment he just as easily tugs their connected hands back to him to brush lips over Istredd's turned palm, the first time he's kissed Istredd since his...

Meltdown.

Perfectly Normal Celestial Problems.

His stomach chooses then to make an annoyed reminder that would be the Abnormal Celestial Problems. He suddenly wishes he kept snacks tucked away somewhere in the room like a chipmunk, but honestly he's not sure if the castle would have a mouse problem. "Euuuugh..."

[magicalarchaeologist]

"Well next time we'll go to bed at a reasonable hour and not have an emotional crisis in the middle of the night. No hooky happening from there." They were insanely tired and making decisions like that didn't help. Although it turned out so beautifully that he has zero regrets. He'd stay up another week if that was the price for this. The implication is he plans to do this again, if Lucifer is amendable.

His heart flutters at something so simple as Lucifer kissing his palm. It is unbearably sweet. He won't make him hold hands in public since that isn't his style either. Although he may be rebellious himself and do little things like touch his arm or back in the smallest gestures he can get away with.

Istredd leans in to kiss his forehead gently and briefly nuzzles his nose into Lucifer's hair, breathing him in. At the reminder of hunger though, he too realizes how long it's been. He has mostly been picking at food and not eating it, but today he just might try more.

He holds Lucier against him for a few more seconds before reluctantly sitting up. "I can't let my partner starve. It would look really bad if it happened our first day together." They have been together since the start, but it is slightly different.