abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

He won't admit that he thought Istredd might be disappointed in him. It's the worst thing any adult in your life can feel about you, disappointment. Anger, at least, lights the kind of explosions that feel satisfying in the moment, sharp words flying like knuckles that you're sure to regret later. Disappointment is just cold and small and fragile.

He won't admit it out loud, but the relief that loosens his jaw and shoulders tells enough of the story. As he follows Istredd through the door, he expects the vast hall that he usually practices in, but instead he finds himself in a study. One that looks like it belongs to a conspiracy theorist, or the sort of person who obsessively follows the career of a serial killer.

When Istredd offers his apology, Wilhelm's gaze wanders back to him. Oolong has left his shoulder, but he keeps watch from the back of the chair.

"I'm ready," he insists. "I actually got a lot of practice on the mountain. I carried a little fire with me all day, so then when we stopped at night, I could get it going right away."

Pride glows in his voice, so different from the shame and timidity that used to shadow any discussion of his magic.

Istredd is still new to taking on this mentor or parental role for others. No matter how many months it's been, it would never occur to him that they might worry about his disappointment or disapproval. One of these days he'll get used to it and pay more attention to the signs.

What Wilhelm does get for certain is a genuinely warm smile, wider than usual, and the obvious sound of approval in his tone. "That's an impressive step to take, Wilhelm. I'm glad to hear it." He knows how hard the journey has been for Wilhelm and it is heartening to see him finally seem positive and hopeful when it comes to his magic.

His enthusiasm gets to the point where he reaches out to put a solid hand on Wilhelm's shoulder. "You should be proud of yourself. You're on your way." To greater control, to being able to see his power and not fear it. Istredd gestures back to the door. "Let me see it for myself."

When it opens they can step out not into the library but the training room in question. Istredd can open doors to anywhere in his domain, that's the deal.

Wilhelm soaks up the praise like a houseplant that nobody remembers to water regularly. It has taken the better part of a year, but he's finally starting to think of his magic as something that belongs to him. Something that, for better or worse, is a part of him. Fire is not just destruction and chaos; it's energy and life.

His expression wilts a bit as Istredd opens the door again, and through it he sees the training room stretching into seeming infinity. Hesitating where he is, he gnaws on his thumbnail.

"I still can't..." He shakes his head. No, that isn't it. "I mean, I don't know, I haven't really tried making my own fire. But...I sort of had a...a breakthrough. In the pit."

He didn't mention it before now because he'd almost forgotten that it happened at all. It wasn't until he was on the mountain, culling a flame to carry in his hand, that the memory sparked from some dark corner of his mind.

Istredd tilts his head, curious, uncertain at Wilhelm's hesitancy. He assumed the boy would want to show it to him, but it really isn't difficult for him to shut the door and leave the training room where it is. They can always go in a few minutes. He understands that this is something Wilhelm wants to talk about instead.

He gestures and a chair shows up nearby if Wilhelm wants to take it. It's up to him if he would rather settle in here or go somewhere else, this is all Istredd's space so he is equally comfortable. He does sit, although for him it's on the edge of the table, listening.

"Tell me about the breakthrough."

He eyes the chair that Istredd conjures up and, after a beat of indecision, folds himself into it. Seated forward, he knots his hands between his knees.

"I can't remember how it happened exactly," he confesses. "It was after...they took me somewhere. Me and Claude — he was there too."

His eyebrows pinch together as he tries to fish the pieces of that night out of the murky waters of his memory. He had overheard talk about the brutal rituals the Acolytes performed on their captives, all hushed warnings about what awaits when they take you in the middle of the night. Although he had been taken too, it all sounded like something that happened to somebody else. He stares at his fidgeting fingers, nails picking at each other.

"I don't remember much about that night. But I summoned fire, I'm sure of it."

"During the ritual." Istredd assumes that's what he was talking about, that is what happened to people who were taken. Sometimes one or two at a time, like him and Claude. He knows how much the ritual damaged people, but he also knows that it could set off abilities. Ciri's scream is proof enough. It could have been her fear too, or it could be whatever happened to them.

"It isn't unusual for people to be able to tap into their abilities in an emergency with a refined skill they're not used to. It's part of the fight or flight reflex, your body and subconscious can react faster than your mind." And in this case, his mind wasn't working anyway. So his instincts were driving him, and that made it easier to tap into something he wouldn't ordinarily. Or at least that's what it sounds like.

"And you being able to maintain a flame continuously while on the mountain is very impressive." They already knew that he had a more comfortable time using fire that was already created. It's being the source of it that he struggles with.

He looks up at Istredd when he says, "I could do it because I had to."

He says it not to cut down Istredd's praise, but because it's the truth. It was carry that flame, or freeze stiff on the mountainside. It was maintain the fire, or have nothing to eat. It was a lifeline in other, less tangible ways too. It was something like hope, to replace the delusions of gods and his brother's ghost that the Acolytes had rotted his mind with. If he could keep that little fire going, then he would be okay.

"Maybe it was the same when I summoned fire too. I just remember it was dark. We couldn't see where we were going, so...I made it so we could see." His fingers keep busy as he thinks. Heaving a sigh, he looks back at the raven, which has hopped to the back of his chair. "I don't know how to do it again, though."

"Yes, you had to, but think back, Wilhelm. Think back to when you first discovered your fire. Do you think you could have done that then, even if you had to?" Fight or flight is good inspiration but it doesn't mean people automatically get perfect at maintaining their powers. They step up or they don't.

"You should give yourself more credit for the work you've put in. I know it hasn't gone as quickly as you would like, but you are making progress. You proved that. You're only going to get better."

Confidence is very much key to the skilled use of magical abilities. Doubt and fear of it could make any spell go awry. Working on Wilhelm's confidence has been key to moving forward. It's as important as actually training him in the use of magic.

"The thing is, you do know how to do it again. That instinct is in you. What we have to figure out is how to trigger it without causing you any actual damage." By that he means mental damage because putting Wilhelm into positions of emergency can be done and controlled, but the boy has already gone through so much.

Wilhelm thinks back to when his fire first found him. He didn't know how to stretch or shrink the flame; it had its own will, fed by shifts in his mood. He didn't know how to transfer it from hand to hand, or hand to object, and it fell from his grasp when his focus wavered. He didn't even know how to extinguish it. Little by little, through trial and so many errors, he'd learned all those things, and maybe he hasn't refined them to a sharp point just yet, but...it's a start. It's progress.

He wants to keep going. His hands fall still, the knot of them tightening.

"I'm going to try." To get better. To seize that instinct. Earnestness cuts through his voice and steels his eyes. "I want to get in control, to get stronger. I'm sick of being weak."

As if pressing the weight of his feelings into Istredd, he leans forward in the chair a few degrees.

"Not just with my fire. Lucifer said you could teach me how to, like, defend my mind. He said it's your specialty. So...can you?"

"You'll get there. I know you will." Istredd sounds certain at least, and he hopes that certainty from one of his teachers will give Wilhelm some confidence too. "Magic shouldn't be easy. It's powerful, it's dangerous. You take that seriously, it makes a difference." Not everyone does. All his students do, but he has seen the arrogance of mages who are so happy with the power they don't care about the damage. He would never train someone showing that type of indifference.

The next part takes him slightly by surprise as Wilhelm hasn't asked him for a new type of magic yet and he nods.

"Yes, I'm a psionic mage. Mind magic." Istredd doesn't think to say so up front much of the time. Even Lucifer learned it as a sort of waved-off detail before he realized how serious that was to his friend. He was trained in all of it, so specialties rarely come up. Yennefer leans into her elemental magic when training others.

"I know how to do it with Academic Magic, it's different than mine." So he wanted to understand how they used it here. His mental wards are completely different from that, but he's taught their version before. "I can show you easily. It will probably make the rest of magic easier for you. Mental fortitude is a valuable part of all magic."

It's clear from his expression that he's never considered it from that angle. You take that seriously, it makes a difference. All this time, Wilhelm has thought of the anxiety he's got embedded deep in his magic as only an obstacle to his mastery of it. But just as fire can destroy when it swells out of control, or sustain life when it's contained, his fear might be shrunk into something useful: prudence.

"Then I want to learn it." He stands up, as if ready to go through whatever door Istredd opens.

Nor had he ever considered — until he spoke with Lucifer — studying magic beyond what the Singularity already dumped on his head. A part of him still wonders if he can learn it at all, but little by little, conviction is replacing those doubts.

Istredd is never careless with his magic. It's the opposite, he is extremely careful and precise. He doesn't do any spell without being certain he has it under control. That came from his intensive training where it was clear if they got even the slightest thing wrong, a master mage could die. He would rather someone be skittish about their magic than arrogant and reckless.

He shakes his head and gestures for Wilhelm to sit back down. "We don't need to go into another room for mental magic. It's in the mind." No matter where they are it is the same amount of focus. They make the new room for fire so Wilhelm doesn't have to worry about burning it down.

Instead Istredd moves his chair so it is more directly near Wilhelm, they probably need to get more physically close, that's the difference. "I need you to trust me, because I need to go in and see where your gaps are before making an assessment. You have to allow me access." Technically he could just slam his way in, Wilhelm has no defenses, but he wouldn't do that.

At Istredd's direction, he sinks into his seat again. As if warming up to exercise, he rolls his shoulders, pulls in a breath, and blows it out. His expression becomes guarded as Istredd goes on, ending in an appeal for access to his mind.

"Will you...be able to see my thoughts and memories?" Worry hangs on his words, pinches his eyebrows together.

Almost a year away from home, from the life he left behind, but Wilhelm hasn't forgotten what it's like to have your most private moments pulled away from you and plastered all over a public forum for scrutiny. Of course, now, on the threshold of opening his mind to Istredd, he can't help but think of all of the last things he wants anybody to know about him. Secrets and embarrassments and things too soft to share.

"No, I'll keep a shield so you don't bleed into my mind." It would be enormously easy for him to see all of that, especially given Wilhelm probably will struggle as most people do at first. It's common that they end up thinking about exactly the things they don't want to share, an automatic response of a kind.

Istredd's mental shields are against attack but some of them are definitely about keeping himself from reading people unintentionally. If they're being very loud, it can be difficult. It's even exhausting to keep them out. A lesser person might use that on purpose and dance over boundaries, but he generally prefers to keep out of people's heads. With only one real exception.

"Wilhelm, you can't learn mental defenses if you can't open your mind."

Relief trickles in to thaw his posture as Istredd reassures him that this won't be the equivalent of cracking his mind open and laying all its contents out.

"I know, I know," he says, waving Istredd's lecture off with a dismissive gesture. A teenage reflex he regrets, folding his hands together again. He gathers himself with a sigh.

"I trust you, Istredd."

Especially now, after everything they'd endured in their underground prison. Istredd had kept him alive. Even when insanity twisted him into something else, and all his instincts into self-sabotage, he had refused to wash his hands of him. If you can't trust someone like that, who can you trust?

"I'm honored by your trust. I promise to be worthy of it. Now look into my eyes." It's not necessary for him, but it is the first step when training in the Brotherhood. And it may make Wilhelm feel connected to him while he does it. Istredd's vivid blue eyes are at least something nice to look at.

His touch is so gentle Wilhelm probably would not feel it at all if he wasn't aware Istredd was doing something. Despite that, it feels only slightly strange, like the feeling of when a feather touches your skin, but it's on his mind. Istredd searches through but it's as he suspects, Wilhelm really doesn't have any defenses. In some ways starting from scratch will make it easier though.

"Alright. With Academic Magic, you can cast the spell, but having it hold up is the hard part. Here." Istredd writes down the basic mental ward spell and offers it to him. If Wilhelm's done enough of it at this point he may be able to get it. "You'll know the difference when it works, you'll feel like your head is slightly heavier."

Obeying Istredd's instructions, he focuses on those electric blue eyes and tries to relax. How does that saying go, about eyes being the windows to the soul? Now it's sort of like a door to his mind. Wilhelm feels something, like a tickle in his brain, a presence at the edge of his thoughts. He keeps measuring his breaths, in and out, until he feels that something leave, and then he sags into a sigh.

He studies the slip of paper Istredd hands him. Although his magic — that bestowed on him by the Singularity — requires no incantation, he has some experience with it. He'd needed to recite a few words to activate the shield that protected him, Lucifer, and the Maresh brothers when they combatted the fires consuming Nott.

"I just need to say it, right?"

So he does, with all the conviction he feels, and he waits for something to happen.

Edited 2023-05-29 18:09 (UTC)

Istredd understands being intentionally told someone was rifling through your mind could be difficult, so he understands that Wilhelm is tense and only relaxes when that first brush is over. He really doesn't like to read other people's minds without permission, his skill with it is a blend of natural tendencies and the man who trained him. Cracking open Wilhelm's mind would be enormously easy. That's why this is important.

"You are very lucky they didn't try this while interrogating you." Or maybe they did and Wilhelm simply didn't know. Either way, whatever held them back from doing so kept him safe, so Istredd is grateful, but it's good to do this now. "This is why your attempts at using your magic on them didn't work." They have mental defenses. Istredd had been incredulous when Lucifer told him, but he trusts Wilhelm learned his lesson. Otherwise he wouldn't be here.

He says the spell with legitimate conviction which means it works right off the bat. Impressive, really, and at least it will offer Wilhelm something. He may feel like his head is heavier, like the mental block has real weight hanging on it.

"What you're going to feel is mental pressure from me on what you just cast. It will make it obvious to you how the shield feels, so when you feel that push, don't push at me, push at the shield. Make it stay in place." It's not about attacking someone who may be pressuring the mind, if anything it is best to act like you don't even notice.

As promised, Istredd does push at Wilhelm's new shield but he does it deliberately and obviously, that's where it has to start. He won't be able to do anything against subtle yet.

Embarrassment tiptoes into his expression as he remembers the stupid stunt he'd tried to pull on the guard. The worst part is, he really thought he was doing something there — something other than making a massive mistake that would earn him a night in a holding cell. He bites his tongue against the defensive protest that wants to pop out. Seriously, how was he supposed to know?

So, yes, he's learned his lesson.

With his confidence standing on shaky legs, Wilhelm is still a little surprised when magic actually goes right in his hands. He feels the heaviness Istredd described, like a wall has risen in his mind. He feels the pressure tapping against it, too, as Istredd tries to find a way in. Well, not that he's trying too hard. Wilhelm has no doubt that Istredd could break into his mind and take whatever he wanted, if he wanted to.

Closing his eyes, he focuses on the wall in his mind. He imagines layering brick after brick on top, building it taller and sturdier to keep everyone out. He doesn't know if that's what he's supposed to be doing, but how else do you reinforce something that's in your mind?

Istredd is glad that Wilhelm is learning from experience and he seems to be a very responsible person. Everyone makes mistakes, but he's mostly relieved that the Thorne guards didn't take that incident more seriously. At least now Wilhelm understands what kind of spells probably made his attempt impossible, so he can use them himself.

"Good job, that's exactly right."

He sounds approving because he is. The making a wall made of mental brick is what he would have recommended. Something to visualize what is going on in the mind. Istredd applies more pressure, his taps becoming more like knocks, but what he's making should hold just fine. If there is anywhere that Wilhelm hasn't quite bricked off yet, he may feel the knock harder than the places that are controlled.

"This is not unlike how to build an actual magical shield, so keep that in mind."

Which may also come in handy for Wilhelm down the road. Istredd specializes more in defensive magic and the mind because it is more natural to him. Defensive and protective over aggressive.

"What you're going to need to do is practice this regularly until it's mental muscle memory, not unlike how someone learns how to use any skill."

He opens his eyes to meet Istredd's gaze again. He can't hide how pleased the approval makes him, but it won't go to his head. Before the praise can inflate his ego, it has to deflate the specter of his self-doubt.

"Will practicing it on my own help? Even if nobody is pushing on it?"

It would be an easy thing to do. He could practice anywhere, anytime, and nobody would even know. Maybe he could try the incantation while training in the morning with Kyle. See if he can hold a mental shield while blocking punches and kicks. Strengthen his mind and his body at the same time. For the first time since he accidentally lit his bed curtains on fire, Wilhelm is not just overwhelmed by all the things he has to learn. He's growing excited by the possibilities too.

"I still want to show you my fire magic too. I've gotten better. And..." His jaw tenses as his nerves encroach on his face. "I think I want to try making my own fire again."

"Yes, using it on your own will make it second-nature when you do need to use it. The more comfortable you get building shields, the easier it will be."

That is why it is a passive power for him now, his mind is permamently locked and shielded to anyone. He's trained so long in it that it simply happens. His defensive magical shield goes up extremely fast too, from decades of practice. Istredd's tone is very approving still, that Wilhelm is taking it seriously and wants to practice.

He smiles at him, lacking his usual reserve. "Wilhelm ... I'm impressed with how you're working to excel. It's very good to see." Pushing past his fear. The very thought of trying to do that before made him nauseated a few months ago. Now he seems more stronger in spirit. Determined.

"The only way to defeat fear is with confidence and competence. You're well on your way."

He tries to absorb Istredd's belief in him and transform it into self-confidence. Take each word of praise and stack them brick by brick into a wall, like the one he built in his mind when he practiced the defense spell. Fear of failure had been his motivation before, but now something more powerful pushes him forward.

Eager, as he has never been during these sessions, Wilhelm pushes himself up from the chair. The energy emanating from him is that of a spring coiled tight, ready to release.

"Let's go then."

Istredd thinks about the first time they talked about magic, how terrified and sick it made Wilhelm to think about it. The guilt that plagued him over what happened with Yennefer, and how dangerous he was continuing to be by refusing to get help. Yet here he is, motivated and eager to get this power under his control. It's what Istredd wanted to see him from the start, but it's normal for it to take time to get there.

Istredd nods and opens a door into the training chamber Wilhelm is used to. "Let's go."

Once inside, he warms up on fire conjured by Istredd. Handling the fire is easier in the Horizon, where the thrum of the Singularity is strongest and everything comes down to willpower. Even so, his improvement is obvious. His precision has sharpened by degrees, and so has his confidence.

When Wilhelm decides he's ready, he's surprised to discover that the monster he's made of it in his head — invincible, impenetrable, with a hundred heads all hissing flames — has shrunk. He closes his eyes and follows the familiar path to that inner flame. Seize that rage, stoke it.

His stomach flips. His palms sweat. But he finds in this moment that what terrifies him more than losing control is staying weak. Going back to that darkness. As he keeps reaching for the flame, he feels like he's clawing his way out of some hole.

It takes a few, faltering tries. The first time, he produces no fire but accomplishes the respectable feat of not throwing up. Again, fighting harder. Again.

Finally, it sparks. It shocks him, the sudden curl of flame glowing in his hand, but his gaping quickly gives way to grinning. It's all his. This thing he'd once wanted to cut out of himself like a tumor, which now he doesn't want to surrender.

Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

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Let's wrap on this one, yay them

post credits scene