abraxaslogs | Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

As useful as it is to have someone trusted to bounce ideas and conspiracies off of, he's only just starting to realize it's probably at least part of why they know so little about each other. Easier to talk about these things, and pretend you aren't purposely hiding parts of your past from the people you are trying to trust.

"Would you have been tempted at all, though? If you had the face of a frog?" he waggles both eyebrows teasingly. If this is what Istredd always looked like, that would also explain why there wasn't much pressure. Tall and handsome, with striking eyes.

"But not being noticed has its benefits too."

When Kahlil had his Prayerscars, people in Nayeshi stared at him all the time. Facial tattoos stood out enough on their own, the ones on his eyelids especially. A part of him liked the attention, though. He was proud of the Prayerscars, what they meant, even if those in Nayeshi didn't understand.

Istredd laughs. "I'm not going to pretend otherwise, of course I would. I was young and despite being supernatural, we are still human." Insecurities existed like for anyone else. He is not going to claim he is unaware he's attractive either.

"But there is a precise perfection to the way it looks after that I wasn't interested in." Istredd is good-looking but there are small qualities and imperfections that it would have cleaned up. Details they would have altered in their perception of what beauty had to be. He's considered rougher around the edges because of it. He likes that. Yennefer is the #1 example of what he'd call perfection, although he would never talk about how she looked before negatively. He's always found her beautiful.

"It's my preference, not standing out." Despite his height and striking eyes, Istredd is fairly good at staying under the radar. "But I find that hard to believe for you. Unless we're also going to pretend you don't look like you do."

Edited 2023-04-25 21:07 (UTC)

Kahlil gives him a wry grin when he earns the laugh. But he can kind of understand. It reminds him of the posters or ads in magazines he'd see in Nayeshi. Photos of men and women with skin so smooth they were pore-less. Perfect, bright white smiles. All of them thin and ageless in ways that didn't look real.

Of course it does make him wonder about Yennefer, but she is striking in a way that still seems human to him. It makes him assume she must not have had to do much or anything at all to her appearance.

That last part makes Kahlil laugh.

"The Singularity does seem to have certain preferences with us. Have you seen how many good-looking young men are running around the castle? And all the redheads..."

More than the average number in any given population.

He shakes his head though, still smiling but a bit wistfully now. His appearance is a complicated thing for reasons that he doesn't like talking about. Nowadays, generally, his ego enjoys the compliments.

"It was part of my job not to stand out too much."

Underneath Istredd's serious exterior lies a dry sense of humor and some genuine warmth that's simply suppressed due to his natural reserve. But it comes out when he starts to open up to people. Laughs are very rare from him though.

"You're all too young for me," he says, deadpan. It is not the truth as many of the other Thorne Summoned are far older than they look. The median age is high. "Of course Lucifer is billions of years older than me, so you could say he's a cradle robber." This may be the most deliberate he's been in indicating his relationship with Lucifer, but it is in part because the official aspect is brand new. Not that outwardly much has seemed to change about them at all.

"I did notice the redheads though." Hard to miss. Hair that bright, and there are so many of them. "Also a lot of silver or white-haired people who aren't actually old." Thancred, Urianger, and Dante as examples right in this castle.

"I should think so, spies are supposed to be secretive." Kyle's never told him that's what he is, but Istredd guessed.

He raises an eyebrow at cradle robber, letting out a surprised huff.

"Please tell me you've told him that."

It shouldn't be funny, considering what Lucifer is and what he's capable of. And yet...

At spies he tips his head, like an acknowledgement.

"I was something like a bodyguard for much longer than I was just a spy." he admits, and this sounds wistful too. It probably would sound creepy to others, but he enjoyed his time watching John. A beat, and he looks ahead, focusing on the street ahead. "But you're right. It's best not to have a memorable face. Or to be quick about the killing."

He doesn't know if Istredd suspected this part, too. But with all of the confessing he's doing lately, and after everything they all went through, it's best to not play guessing games now.

"I haven't, but I should, it would make him laugh."

Lucifer and his brothers don't act their age, in Istredd's opinion. It's probably because angel lifespans are so long that it's possible as old as they are, they're equivalent to teenagers or young adults still. He would consider Michael the most 'mature' but it doesn't stop him from getting sucked into sibling arguments at every turn.

"It sounds like you preferred that." The bodyguarding to the spy, just from observation of his tone. Maybe he liked the companionship. Istredd either would be a great spy or a terrible one. Terrible because he's not good at remembering to keep secrets, great because he is very easy to overlook being a bookish historian. It would be a decent cover.

He did suspect that part which is why he doesn't look surprised, but he also isn't judgmental. He's from a dark sphere, assassins and spies are a normal part of life if you're trained in power and politics. "I've never killed anyone directly." This is assuming people have died because of him, or in the pit when he wasn't fast enough or caused things to happen. "But I was trained thoroughly for it."

Kahlil gives Istredd an odd look, but maybe coming from him it would make Lucifer laugh. It's just hard for him to imagine any laugh of Lucifer's that isn't violently condescending. It's kind of his specialty.

"It was a service I was chosen for. It was something I was proud of."

So much so that it is still most of his identity, even after his failure.

They're getting close to the bookshop, which means dissipating the soundproofing soon.

"Many of us have that in common, I've found," he frowns for a moment. Taken as children, trained for a service and violence: Kahlil himself, Geralt, Istredd. Yennefer too, by Istredd's description of his world. He jokes about redheads, but he sees patterns everywhere.

Lucifer is a completely different person with Istredd than he is with anyone else, something Istredd is well aware of although it is easy to forget since the two of them can be so insular. They're mentally and emotionally on top of each other at all times, but that isn't public knowledge. Only Yennefer and Wanda are aware of the telepathic bond.

"I'd say you could always offer bodyguarding skills here if it made you happy, but one of the interesting things about this place is, you can restart entirely if you want to. Find a new path for yourself. Nothing back home matters."

It's another way of his common topic of telling people they can change and grow in Abraxas. Istredd hasn't exactly changed, in terms of what he's interested in here. He will always be the researcher and magic enthusiast, but that's because he loves those aspects of himself. He could let go of some of the other things he was supposed to be.

"I'm more surprised when we have someone like Wilhelm. A normal teenager from a world without anything magic or supernatural." Otherwise yes, there seem to be a lot of backgrounds in common. Outside of these random people who don't seem to really fit in.

"I was given the chance once before to start over. Didn't go very well," another wry look.

Some parts of his past are written in his bones.

"I worry about him," he shakes his head. "He's been through so much in a short amount of time."

But there are things about Wilhelm's past too. Born into a powerful family, forced into the position of heir. His life might not have been as hard as some of the others, but he knows duty, and has lived under someone else's control.

"Well obviously if it went badly once, you should never try again." An equally wry look right back at him.

"We're all worried about Wilhelm. Although he was able to use his magic safely for the first time since he got it on the mountain. That's a very good sign." Istredd had hoped he would get to that point through a lot of practice and support, but it turned out when he had to make it work in an emergency, he managed. It signals good things about his future, if he can get there.

"The shrine creature kept talking to us in voices that would get our interest. It was using his brother's voice to persuade him to help it get out. I'm not sure if talking to it was cathartic or not."

Wilhelm has quite a few guardians and mentors, it seems - for better or worse. Kahlil has no good role models in his past, he can only hope to not be the man that Dayyid was - and then there's Lucifer's interest in Wilhelm which... could be worse?

"He mentioned that," Kahlil grimaces.

"The ones who were tricked - some are holding onto blame for what happened." In the pit. Their inability to fight off the voices, the release of a mysterious monster. There's little he can do to convince them otherwise, having not been there with them.

"There is a lot of guilt to go around, despite the fact we were the victims." Istredd knows that basically every person in the pit feels bad about something. Whether it's them not doing enough, or giving into the illness, or letting the shrine monster out, the guilt hangs over them irrationally and he doesn't see how that will change.

"I think this is a situation where time may be the only healer. No one's in a headspace to combat feelings with truth." There is nothing Kyle can say but there's also nothing he can say that will really convince them otherwise. Istredd holds onto his own guilt too, his own pain, regardless of what he tells himself.

"If you want advice on how to help, just be there. Even if it's to sit and listen, or to distract with other things going on." He doesn't know if Jack is struggling with his feelings about this, but he assumes so, they all are. Istredd smiles at him. "Or walk with someone who was clearly afraid to leave, making them feel safe."

Reality doesn’t always give us the life that we desire

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