abraxaslogs | I don't trust, but I see right in front of me

I haven't. He knows that Yennefer has in terms of burning out her Chaos entirely, but that was what happened instead of being consumed by it. Istredd has always been in very tight control of himself. It's the passionate that have the hardest time finding that. He considers.

The most common way is imbalance, trying to conjure out of nothing. That causes necrosis, it eats you, your skin blackens and dies. It's the first lesson we learn. They use someone as an example. The Brotherhood is very unkind that way. Normally the person only damages a hand and learns the lesson though. You wouldn't be able to do anything for that. It's not something you can reason your way out of, it's a last resort, that would only happen if there was literally nothing left to do.

Someone can burn out using too much of it. You stop thinking about order and control, just the power. It is dangerous, Chaos. It wants to consume, it wants to burn. I've felt some of that before. Istredd will know what it's like when he dances to that edge, and he's always been able to walk back. I think for you it will feel like I'm on fire but I won't care. Not all of this is one hundred percent certain.

Edited 2023-05-19 02:01 (UTC)

So you channel what's in you and pull from your surroundings to support and fuel what's behind it?

He stops abruptly, turns, and watches the small, probably toxic, glowing winged-raccoon skitter across the hallway with something crinkling in her mouth. Well. It is getting late. She's likely just waking up.

I'm usually about starting fires, not putting them out. Well, actually, there was that one time with the spell in the Nott farmlands. But then this is more metaphorical-mental fires (hopefully), not actual fires.

He shakes his head and keeps walking.

So you're not going to turn into an eel.

You won't have to worry. I would never get to that point. It's a last-case scenario situation. Istredd isn't like Yennefer who has always danced on the edge of too much. Who craved power, drank in the power. Now she has learned control and when she regains her magic, she will be all the stronger for it. But to get to that point, Istredd would have to completely lose his mind.

But who knows what is possible, if the right buttons are pressed.

No, our rector or rectoress turn them into eels. I don't know if they feel pain or even know what's happening. From what Yennefer told him, probably not. It didn't sound like a struggle. He knows what their teachers are capable of. They could make anyone black out, in the kindest way possible, before turning them into magic batteries.

It would be wasted power to let them leave. That's the way they think.

He never plays around with something that 'would never happen.' That's how people die, Istredd. But Lucifer has enough of an idea about what to look for if they get into that level of Bad Day. It's all he needs, because while yes he does want to feel and see and experience Istredd really opening up his magic, he needs to know where the line is.

Well, good. What would I even do if you became an eel in the middle of some woods? I don't know, maybe magic eels can survive out of water. There's an odd, thoughtful pause from him. Not you, obviously, but if you eat a magic eel battery, do you gain their power? I mean, we can consume another angel's grace, so it's really much the same concept, I'd think.

The line will be fairly clear when they do fight together. Istredd's control can be sensed and Lucifer knows him well, he'd be able to tell if something seemed off. Instead he'll be able to let loose a little. Maybe that is what he's needed all along, an outlet for the ugly cracks inside. He needed to be open to it though.

I am going to go with ... very likely they can, yes. But the people who have access would be watched closely. It's a serious job, being the head of each of the schools. Since the men and women are separated. Then again if Stregobor could, I feel like he likely would. I don't know the spell myself. Stregobor may not see these students as enough magic for him to care about. He is a deeply selfish person, masquerading as a community leader.

Grace is what makes you an angel, right? Your essence.

So we can't turn people into eels, okay. Well. There's likely some form of transformation magic they could learn that they could use to turn people into eels, but they wouldn't be magic battery eels.

Sure Lucifer was against sushi, but if it was energizing sushi...

Eh.

That's what the Ikorr sap is for.

Mm. The celestial makeup of our existence, different levels of potency depending on your classification. It'll... recharge. On it's own. Eventually. For him. Castiel's likely to die first.

We probably could, there's likely a spell. I wouldn't put it past Thorne to know something similar and use it. On their average civilian, no doubt. But they also are not burdened by magic fading. It is very powerful here. The Brotherhood couldn't waste any magic, there weren't many of us. Enough to keep making new classes, it wasn't completely wiped out, but they weren't plentiful. It wasn't like here.

They make it to their room which is always a relief because of the level of safety and protections there are inside. Also the familiarity. Istredd feels like he can finally breathe now that he's inside there, like all breathing before that was shallow and uncertain. In a way it was. His relaxation is instant.

Despite it being probably very safe in there in terms of talking, his natural inclination remains talking on the bond instead. He kicks off his shoes immediately, hangs up his cloak, and just flops down on his bed.

It's not recharged in you now?

They just bottle up the queen loyalist castle mages. Decompress them into eels. Shove them in a tank of water and ta-da, problem solved!

(That does sound enticing to him.)

He didn't quite realize the light press of weight to his thoughts until they make it to their room and Istredd's relief is ungodly noticeable. But he did good. Off in a place he's never been before for quite a large chunk of time and no flinching or wayward spellcasting.

He huffs a laugh when Istredd asks about his grace. "No. It's... no. I've got enough where I won't double over and hack up my vessel's lungs if I use any power, but I always have to be careful about using too much." He shrugs. "I don't know. There's not a base guideline for recharge-rate. It's almost--" His thoughts take a dizzying weave and he half-shrugs again, staring at the ceiling. "It's almost been a year. Maybe it'll be a few more months, years, a decade, I don't know."

Just like he doesn't know who he'd be with his power returned, no longer reliant on certain needs, his emotions sunk back under the ethereal presence.

Istredd has always felt relieved when he came back to their room, going out and about takes energy for an introvert like him, even in better times. But now he could nearly pass out with it, it's been a strain. He probably would've fled sooner if Lucifer wasn't with him, pushing him. That is something they are both good at doing for one another.

He glances over at Lucifer as he tries to explain and he would try to prop his head up with a pillow but it's over on Lucifer's bed since they share. At least it's not underneath the bed anymore. He sits up instead, turning so his back is to the wall, similar to their first night together.

"But we want you to be recharged, right? It's better for you?" They've never had this exact conversation before, so he's not certain how it works. It seems obvious to him that recharge would be what he'd want, to be back to his full self. Istredd wants him to be healthy and happy, that's the ideal.

"Should be," he says, but he doesn't sound as certain. He hasn't talked about it with anyone, and the only one that might understand is Castiel, which is a non-starter. "I want my power back. I want to be me," he says, making a fist and a halfhearted 'yes' gesture.

The doubtfulness is almost as loud as the static had been and he reaches up to press his fingers against his closed eyes until it quiets again.

Istredd moves over so he can get up and try to snag Lucifer's hand, having experienced that now the physicality is allowed, it can be very grounding for both of them. He sends him a gentle soothing touch over their mind too, uncertain why the doubt is coming along with it.

"Hey." His other hand runs through Lucifer's hair. "Do you want to talk about what's going on here, or put a pause for another time?" He already agreed when Lucifer said he didn't want to talk about a potential future for them with the kids earlier that day. He's good at respecting boundaries when they are clear.

He shakes himself, but doesn't pull away, though it's revealing enough in his thoughts that he could at any second.

"What if I lose it all?" he says. "Any change I've made, any progress, any connection? Just swept under primordial soup." He doesn't want the clinging emotions he's been trapped with but none of the people in his orbit have met him as he was and he doesn't want to lose them, like he had under Sannleikr's influence. "And if I do I might not even care at that point. Sure, I could say I'd fight to hold onto it, but..." But he might not be able to.

Michael had said he thought if any of them could change it'd be Lucifer, but Lucifer has trouble seeing the possibility with himself at full power.

Istredd drops his hand from Lucifer's hair to cup both of Lucifer's hands like he did in reverse not that long ago, holding them. He is close, in Lucifer's space, but not too close and overwhelming. There, if he wants it, there, if he leans forward even a little.

That is a very serious and legitimate thing to be afraid of, and Istredd is also afraid of it. He may not fully understand the logistics of how this all works with Lucifer, being a powerful creature trapped in a human form, but he knows how hard Lucifer's worked to get here. And he values what he's made, clearly. Otherwise getting back to his full form would have no doubts or concerns.

"You are the archangel Lucifer. If anyone can rebel against their nature and fight to keep hold of the things they love, it's you."

He ducks his head, amusement just a flicker, but something through the melancholy devil.

He's created something here and the last thing he created was Jack and that's a slippery problem that he never knows how to reach out and grasp. Doubts he'll ever really be able to hold. So the rest of it has become even more important, though it never should have been. Lucifer is all fortress and walls by nature; he doesn't build them. Anything he builds has always been short-lasting so why bother? Even this year here in Abraxas is ultimately still a droplet of time to the sheer scope of his existence.

"Do me a favor?" he says. His thoughts have been too muddled to maintain speaking that way. "If I don't? Drown my mind in, well, yours." Contingency Plans. That's how much he wishes to hold onto things. It's close to the same as asking Michael to kill him if he ever sided with their Father (again?), but in this case he'd likely still be kicking. "And then probably run and find Wanda."

He sighs. "But. It will be blatantly obvious if it even starts to become a problem." He imagines he'd just start outright blocking Istredd, for one. "And I really do think I have... awhile."

"Trust me, I'm not letting you go without a fight." That fight will be drowning him in Istredd's mind and memories and feelings and trying to give him something to hold onto and remember. He doesn't mean a physical fight because obviously that would be hilariously pointless. But emotional warfare he can partake in. He may have to accept if Lucifer gets lost to him, but he won't lie still and let it happen.

"We'll all hold onto you, Lucifer, as long as we can." Wanda, him, Wilhelm, Kell, Kyle, the people who have come to care for Lucifer, and he's allowed in his life. And this is after one year, there may be more as time goes on, and enough people to dig in their nails.

Istredd kisses his forehead gently. Let me worry about your beautiful mind a decade from now then.

"I do." Trust you. He doesn't have to say it; he knows that. But he did say for Istredd to trust him earlier that day and that was acknowledged. He can equally give voice, or rather clearer thoughts, to it.

And more than anything, he trusts Istredd on a mental battlefield.

Mmm, is the hummed acknowledgment.

"We should eat. You want me to bring food here so you don't have to see more people?"

Istredd's eyes widen and he flashes a bright smile. "Yes, please. See, this is why I love you. You get me." Forcing him out of the castle when it's a good idea but offering to help him hermit when it doesn't matter. He just gets it.

He releases Lucifer's hands only to cup his face and kiss him, but he makes it quick so he doesn't distract either of them. "Thank you for everything today. But especially this." Getting him food but letting him decompress. Ideal boyfriend material.

I don't trust, but I see right in front of me

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We can wrap on this one THESE TWO