abraxaslogs | maybe i'm a mess

[ Sylvain's flopping backwards gets a small grin from Claude even if it feels slightly out of place given the - all of the topics, and he lets the hand from his face fall away to rest on the other's chest instead. ]

See? Things are looking up already.

[ It's not lost on him that this is a little bit like hiding in plain sight even as he continues to study (or now more like admire) what he can see of that handsome face. And then finds himself wishing, to his own surprise, there was something he could offer.

But: there is, isn't there? There's something very simple to be said, something he could kick himself for overlooking when he'd went on the defensive too immediately. Too ready to expect the worst, and he hadn't noticed someone else already was. ]

Hey. [ Now he lifts the hand that'd been on Sylvain's chest as he rolls onto his side. First he taps the other man's elbow on that arm covering before making a partial attempt to lift it with only a couple fingers without really enough to achieve that if Sylvain decides to resist rather than uncover his face. ] You haven't done anything wrong, Sylvain.

[ He doesn't resist, letting Claude maneuver him and letting his arm drop off to the side as dark eyes flick back to Claude's face. There's still a lingering expression of guilt there, though, like he's not entirely convinced Claude's right.

But he gives a quiet huff of laughter a moment later, one corner of his lips quirking up in a somewhat sardonic smirk. ] Yeah. Maybe. Then again, those aren't words I'm used to hearing, so forgive me for not taking them at face value.

Although I was hoping I hadn't done anything without realizing it. [ Because he's usually very aware of what he's done - and to who. But this had been different. ] But you know her better than I do, so I thought maybe you'd noticed something I'd missed.

[ That expression on Sylvain's face: at first he doesn't understand what it's for or why it's still lingering, but that soon becomes clear. It stings a little in a way Claude recognizes he shouldn't take personally - but then he realizes it's not him taking that personally whatsoever when it's something else. It's because Sylvain saying he'd expected to be chided and expected it to the point where he couldn't accept hearing anything but is worrisome to where he has to struggle to keep anything from showing on his face.

Claude doesn't believe for a second that smirk is anything other than an acknowledgment of Sylvain being firm in that belief without room for anything else. Can't correct the past - can only keep moving forward. He taps the fingers of his hand against the other's chest again now that it's back there as he thinks. ]

Trust me when I say that if you wrong Hilda, you'll know it. [ Not that he can explain; partially because he doesn't want to get into how he knows that or anything beyond - ] You just have the very dubious fortune of being in close proximity.

[ Close enough. That much is clear to him about whatever's going on. ]

[ Relenting at Claude's insistence, he just gives a quiet sigh and tips his head in a faint nod, accepting the words for now. He doesn't think Claude would lie to him about something like that. Although he's not so sure Hilda would be so quick to air her grievances. Not if they were real. None of them are straightforward like that. Which is a dangerous combination at times, he thinks.

But he just rolls onto his side, towards Claude, and lets his forehead fall forward to the other man's shoulder as his arm snakes around his waist. Curling into him in a pose that's growing to be comfortingly familiar. Which feels odd to realize. For all that he's always been a tactile person, there's very few he ever got close enough to be comfortable like this with. Not even his closest friends back home, since Ingrid would have bristled and been suspicious and Felix was an angry cat on a good day. And Dimitri... better not to think about that right now anyway.

He pushes those thoughts away and just focuses on now, even if he could feel himself being lulled into the warmth of this. Deliberately not thinking about how dangerous that could be. He'd known he was starting to get in deep, recognizes it, even though this is the first time anything's been this risky for him. Usually he would have pulled away long before now. Started distancing himself, or worse, sabotaged the entire thing. But he hasn't quite been able to muster the willpower to do so. Even if it means he's likely falling face-first into disaster.

He's never been good about making good decisions, after all. Might as well continue to make a few more dangerous ones while he can. He still doesn't expect to be able to keep Claude's attention for all that long. Not without fucking the whole thing up sooner or later. ]

What about you? [ he finally asks, fingers tracing shapes and symbols against Claude's hip. ] You've been keeping busy, too.

[ The sigh and nod also do little to convince Claude anything's changed in the past few minutes, but he's learned to recognize when pressing Sylvain on something isn't going to accomplish anything. Even if there's been very little to press on, honestly, so it's difficult for him to extrapolate out just how unbending that might be, but now isn't a time to figure it out. There's enough ongoing puzzles to table this one for another time or for when it actually matters.

Besides, it's more than enough that he rolls over to close what little space is left so that they're not sharing a pillow and staring at each other, but rather Claude finds himself becoming the pillow in question. An action that makes him smile where Sylvain can't see it but might feel it briefly when he turns to brush a kiss against what he can reach of the other's face. It's easy from there to adjust his arms to where they feel like they belong from all the times of doing this before in something Claude, for once, doesn't have to question.

Not if he thinks about it at that surface level, anyway, and doesn't peer into what's lurking beneath it. Something he's still avoiding and where he had been already prior to Petra's disappearance, but the latter's only exponentially increased that avoidance. But not when it comes to affection which is an easy comfort to slip into without a second thought, even for someone who so often holds back from it as much as he does. Nice is the word ne continues to settle on - even while becoming all the more aware it's flimsy and doesn't truly encompass what it is. ]

I have. [ This isn't what Sylvain's asking without asking, he knows, but there's a limit to how helpful he's going to be even as he runs a hand up and down the other man's back. ] I found a new merchant to work for and one who has a greenhouse at that, so we might be able to get a discount on some plants when we're ready for them. Only because I'm assuming you want something other than all of my plants lining the garden beds.

Well, it would be nice to have something pretty on top of all the things that can kill us.

[ His voice is wry as he gives Claude a light prod in the ribs, shifting until they were tangled up together. That Claude draws him in rather than pushing him away is a reassurance in itself, especially when there’s no hesitation in the reaction. He just rests his cheek against Claude’s collarbone, content to stay wrapped around him.

A moment later, he asks softly, ] Are you still having trouble sleeping?

[ It’s harder to keep track of, when they’re no longer sharing a room together. Which Sylvain has already found he kind of misses, to be honest. Not Claude’s mountain of books, of course, or all the clutter that frequently collected on most available surfaces around him. But the feeling of someone being close by had grown reassuring in its own way. Nice. ]

Hey, the pretty things also are the ones that can kill you.

[ Definitely not at all hinting around his garden plans or anything there, though it's said with a scoff of disbelief as though Sylvain's said something utterly ridiculous rather than accurate. It's also said as he winds a leg through the other's and uses that to wedge himself closer still. What comes next is a question he doesn't want to answer, and a deflection is on the top of his tongue ready to go. That seems pointless in the end considering he'd already been caught, more or less, with evidence proving it. ]

Sometimes.

[ He could just leave it there. That's enough of an answer and sums it up nicely. Claude's figured out by now that brevity won't stop Sylvain from worrying so he takes another moment to consider that before speaking up again. ]

That's always been normal enough for me, though.

[ Which is true: the war had merely provided him a convenient cover even if he really had stayed awake poring over strategy after strategy for fear of losing anyone if he made one wrong move. Sleeplessness had been even more productive then than the nights he'd stayed up late reading, tinkering with something, or just thinking. If anything, he's simply shifted back to that in his own mind now with yet another crisis having passed by and others yet he's working through turning over in his mind. ]

Why, thank you, I'm flattered.

[ There's a note of teasing in his voice, completely turning that around on Claude just because he could.

But when Claude falls silent, debates what answer to give, he just waits. Even if he's listening with more than just his ears for a reason tonight. The words he gets have him turning his head slightly so he can press his lips to the hollow at the base of Claude's throat, staying wrapped up tight around him. ]

I have noticed that, yes. [ There's a dry note to his voice, even though Sylvain has worried a lot about that - even before they'd been dragged to the Pit. Another kiss, this one pressed to the curve of his shoulder, before he huffs out a quiet breath. ]

You think too much.

[ There's a small groan from him with the exact energy of hearing a bad joke being told, if only because he can't resist being difficult (even if Sylvain's right) and this is the sort of moment where an eye roll can't be properly appreciated. It'd require moving and even if something about answering the question's made something restless stir in him, Claude's not inclined to actually untangle himself.

Especially not when lips find his throat and he closes his eyes. How different would it have been if he'd had this on those nights where being awake simply felt easier just like this one? Guilt follows that and washes sentiment out of it; there's a million reasons it wouldn't be. This is an impossibility anywhere but here - and Petra's departure, Marianne's too brief time here, and Hilda's pointed absences saying plenty in their wake have only brought that further into focus.

Maybe it's fortunate Sylvain can't see his face then when it takes him a second to pull it back together after those painful reminders surface and fade again to an ache, and instead Claude exhales in something that'll pass close enough to a laugh when another kiss pulls him back to the present. ]

I didn't have the option to not. [ No, that's not better. Time to pivot right on away from that. ] Fortunately, it also means it's part of why I'm undefeated at chess. Plenty of extra time to practice when you look at it that way, which you should probably fear once I dig my chess set out of the box it's packed away in.

[ He can't see his face, but he can feel that wash of grief. Even if he weren't focusing on what Claude's feeling, he's pretty sure Claude's feeling it strongly enough that Sylvain would have picked up on it anyway. His arms tighten around him in silent comfort, wishing there was more he could do to help. ]

I have no doubt you'll thoroughly kick my ass, I'm way out of practice. I'm pretty sure I haven't had a decent chess partner since our days back at the Academy anyway.

[ But he's not going to let Claude divert him so easily this time, and he presses another kiss to his throat. ]

You have the option to not here and now.

[ Arms wind tighter around him than they did before, and - hm. Even though he thought he'd held it together something must've slipped through anyway, and guilt flares up again now in two forms. Sylvain doesn't need to deal with this when he can handle it on his own, Claude thinks. Just like always; all he needs is some time to sort through everything.

And the same goes for wishing for this comfort when he did have it with Hilda and mourned it while here alone, and now they've ended up here, somehow. Maybe it was always meant to be temporary and he'd just imagined everything all along.

More to think about later because while he hears Sylvain ignoring his change of subject, he's just going to ignore it right back. That's one vulnerability too far to go over for now. ]

So what I'm hearing is that I should expect to keep my impressively long winning streak intact? That sounds like a good deal to me, actually. [ It's not difficult to sound entertained now - especially because Claude's fairly certain he can use that to spur Sylvain into all kinds of chess games, though he hums thoughtfully as he shifts to drawing figure eights along the other man's back. ] Maybe I'll teach you some other board games to even it out a bit. Or a card game I picked up from Ciri so then we can both branch out.

[ The fact that Claude pointedly ignored him pushing a little further isn't lost on him, but he bites back a quiet sigh. There was a line there, and he considered testing it for all of a heartbeat before backing away again. Claude already had enough on his plate - that wave of grief and the complicated feeling that had washed after it a moment later had been evidence enough on his plate.

But he made a mental note to definitely prod at it later. Today had already been full enough of uncomfortable conversations.

Which is why he lets Claude divert the topic entirely, even though he still wanted to prod, to understand, but Claude was - as ever - just as complicated as his chess strategies. ]

Hey, I did manage to beat you every now and then. [ It took a lot of effort but he could manage it. Even if he'd spent just as much time, back in those days, playing himself so as to not to come off as too clever. He had a terrible reputation to maintain, after all. And he was an expert at losing at chess without making it look like he was trying to lose. Which, really, just added a whole new layer to chess strategies. ]

But I'm not against learning some new games, either. Those times we'd find something to play in the courtyard when we were both bored or in between classes were pretty fun. [ It hadn't happened often, and Sylvain's pretty sure Claude would have grabbed anyone who seemed interested to play a match with him, but Sylvain had always been intrigued when he'd been invited. And secretly pleased. ]

The operative part of your sentence is the 'now and then' which might be putting it generously.

[ Now he's just teasing because he can and because it's something far nicer to focus on and push away any other thoughts as he turns to press a kiss to Sylvain's forehead thoughtfully. That won't, however, stop him from continuing to roast Sylvain for the losing streak even if it wasn't nearly as bad as he's exaggerating for entertainment's sake. ]

I should make you guess the rules to the card game just to keep it more interesting. Or maybe bring one back from the Alliance since I never did teach you most of the ones I know. That's fair, right?

[ It absolutely isn't. He knows it, which is why there's one more kiss for good measure. That does give him another chance to consider options beyond chess alone even if he really is going to have to unpack that set sooner than planned. Claude cracks an eye open to glance at the desk he'd moved in here. That might work as a playing space until they have better tables to take over with games. Using it wouldn't be all that far off from those times back at the monastery and it's easy to smile when circling back to what Sylvain brought up. ]

You know, I did figure out pretty quickly I could get your attention through those games.

If you're doing that, I have every right to subject you to some from Faerghus, then. I even know a couple from Sreng. [ And a few from Yuri, now that he thinks about it, which he'd considered terrible but might be evil enough to inflict upon Claude.

That kiss to his brow makes him smile until Claude's words sink in and then he's left blinking at the general vicinity of the man's chest as he tries to make sense of them. ]

You... what?

[ There might be a threat in there, he thinks, except that Claude's really all too eager to learn more games. Even better for when they host others some night yet to come or for visits back to the Sarstina's tavern since he's stopped by plenty on his way home as part of that rambling around Cadens. Same goes for other taverns he's ended up in occasionally, but Claude doesn't see a need to mention that.

Especially not when Sylvain sounds something close to very puzzled, and that gets an amused laugh from him. ]

What, did you think you were immune to my need to know everything back then? If so, have I got some news for you.

[ Of course he's going to play that up and make it sound far more intense than it was all for the opportunity to torment Sylvain (affectionately) now that it's presented itself. ]

Then again, maybe I'll just keep it to myself. Mystery's right up there with anticipation in being effective, or so they - [ 'they' being Claude - ] say.

[ Sylvain actually picks his head up at that, his expression showing his confusion now as he peers down at Claude. There’s a lot for him to unpack in that statement. ]

I didn’t think I’d ever caught your interest, actually. Our paths didn’t cross that much back then. Not enough to warrant your curiosity, anyway. I'm not sure I would have been much of a mystery to puzzle you.

[ Not in his opinion, anyway. He’s not sure what about him would have made Claude curious enough to pay him that kind of attention. ]

Edited 2023-05-29 22:51 (UTC)

[ When Sylvain shifts he loosens his grip around the other, curious as to where he's going. Nowhere, it turns out, except to stare at him with a look Claude finds it difficult to not smile at. He manages not to which is fortunate given what's said; any kind of amusement would've given entirely the wrong impression.

He raises an eyebrow immediately while contemplating the face in front of him. Claude's fairly certain Sylvain doesn't mean that as an open invitation to pry into... everything about him... as he could easily. ]

And you don't think 'paths not crossing much' wasn't enough to warrant curiosity?

[ It's teasing enough though he does sort of mean that. But it's also too obvious of a ploy, so Claude reaches up to tug on a lock of unruly red hair lightly. ]

I think you're underestimating how much I like any kind of puzzle.

Not really.

[ He gives a slight one-shouldered shrug, still looking slightly perplexed. ]

I'm not really that complicated. And if you'd just wanted someone to flirt with... from what I remember, you weren't really lacking for that, either. I distinctly remember a number of the girls there swooning whenever you sauntered past. I considered being insulted over it, since I was still standing right there, of course, but really, who could blame them?

[ His usual smirk was back, playful and teasing, making light of those days as he often did. He's also pretty sure if Claude had paid any attention to that puzzle back in those days, he wouldn't have liked what he found anyway. Sylvain was much better off for it, he's pretty sure. Having his friends know him too well, dealing with their well-earned opinions of him back in those days...

Having a blank slate in dealing with Claude when they'd found themselves here together was much preferable, he was positive. As much as he knew Claude loved secrets... there were some Sylvain hoped had died a bloody death back on those battlefields. ]

[ He's tempted to raise that eyebrow even higher at the denial, or what he's calling one, and if it wasn't for the fact that Sylvain looks genuinely baffled Claude would be tempted to call it being difficult for the sake of it. Because that's what he'd do if he was deflecting, truly, and he pauses in winding that lock of hair around his finger to study Sylvain for a moment.

Like this is very serious. Because it totally is, except then he grins, because - ]

Wait, wait, wait. I think that's the line I used on you when you arrived. You don't get to turn it around on me now when you never answered for it back then.

[ It's not lost on him this is absolutely Sylvain shoving the conversation topic back onto something that's more solid ground than whatever it is generating that feeling of being not enough. Sometimes it's easier to laugh at something better left hidden, isn't it? Claude's well aware he has no room to talk there; if Sylvain's going to act like he doesn't know what he's talking about - or that he's somehow not complicated - then there's nothing that says he can't run with this a little bit more to see what comes out of it. ]

Besides that, are you saying you didn't swoon whenever I walked by? That's even worse! You're just digging a deeper hole by the second here.

[ The teasing comments are enough to bring back Sylvain's easy grin in full, having him laughing as he flops back to the pillow again. ]

You're just mad I'm using your own method against you. Pretty sure you can't get mad when you've done that to me at least a dozen times. Besides. Was there actually a question in there to answer?

As for the swooning... Hmm. I feel like that's a secret I should keep to myself. Might come in useful one day.

[ Even if it's only in teasing Claude with the suspense of not knowing. ]

No, I'm mad that you're stealing my very original technique. Sheesh.

[ With unnecessary emphasis on the ideas of mad and original, both one hundred percent canceled out by the amusement on his face. It's better to see Sylvain back in good humor than with other things hanging around the edges of it - and despite the change back, Claude's not abandoning those careful notes he'd taken throughout to save for another time.

No comment on whether it's been used often since they both know the answer to that, so instead he lets his hand run through the ends of the other's hair before coming to rest on his jaw. ]

Saying it's a secret you're keeping to yourself just means I'm going to hear that as a confirmation you did.

[ To no one's surprise, probably. This is a particularly weak last word too given that besides the grin on his face to cap it off, his hand is on the move again to slide back to rest in Sylvain's hair to gently pull him forward at the same time he leans in for a kiss. ]

[ It always catches him a little by surprise, when Claude instigates kissing him. Like his brain stutters over the reminder that this is real every time. But there's no resistance in him when Claude pulls him in, his stomach giving a subtle little flip a moment before their lips meet. His lips part on a quiet sound as he leans into it, arm snaking about Claude's waist as he shifts closer to him, legs tangling without him even thinking about it.

Maybe he should press more, but Claude rarely talked about what he was actually thinking. He was just going to have to get better at deciphering, maybe. But maybe he could still help. This, at least, was something he was good at and maybe Claude was just looking for distraction from whatever was bothering him. Not a solution - Sylvain's not foolish enough to think that - but maybe it'll give him space enough from whatever's been going on to come back to it fresh later.

So he sets aside words for now, because Claude will always have him outmatched there. Here, at least, Sylvain has a bit of an advantage. And one he uses as he deepens the kiss, fingers sliding up Claude's spine to fist in the back of his shirt for a moment.

...Okay, so maybe he might really need this too, tonight. ]

[ That sound is all he needs to lean into it further, pressing forward to get rid of whatever space between them might somehow be left between them. Somehow he forgets how much Sylvain appreciates the initiation even if it comes back to him quickly as they become an intricate tangle, and now Claude makes a mental note to do it more often and hold to that. Affection between them isn't one-sided, after all; the last thing he wants to do is give that impression. Or to take it for granted since he might be unconsciously aware of doing so somewhere in other ways, even if he's yet to process through that.

Then it's easy to move his hand again to place it back on Sylvain's jaw as he deepens things further with a murmur of appreciation for the hand curled into his shirt. Suggesting it might be even better tangled up somewhere else would require breaking away, and even if it'd take but a few seconds that's too many to spare right now.

Too many to not spend them instead putting unsaid words into this as he breaks that kiss only to capture the other's mouth in another one in the same instant while running his free hand down Sylvain's side to slide it beneath the hem of his shirt in search of skin to run calloused fingertips across. One slow move after another to distract himself from the thoughts still whirling around his mind he can never quite shut off all the way, much as he's determined to. ]

[ Since Sylvain often suffers the same predicament, he's no stranger to using this as a distraction technique. Far from stopping him, however, he lets Claude take the lead, following along with him. The shirt he'd had on to relax in Claude's bed was loose and comfortable enough to sleep in, even if that hadn't been his intent just yet. But Claude will find little to stand in his way, should his hands go exploring further.

His lips swallow those quiet sounds Claude makes, his own muffled into the kiss. He can guess what had earned him one of those and he loosens his grip on Claude's shirt long enough to slide it up to tangle in the other man's hair, gripping as he changes the angle of their kiss slightly.

He remembers all too well how much Claude had enjoyed that, before. ]

[ That grip in his hair rewards Sylvain with a louder noise this time, pleased as he is that his not quite a suggestion was taken there. If it causes him to lightly dig in his fingernails on Sylvain's lower back where his hand rests, well. That's just a convenient bonus.

It's enough for him to shift one of his legs looped through the other's, using it as leverage to roll Sylvain onto his back after moving a hand to cradle his head that miniscule distance back onto the pillow. There's a routine here of sorts that's easy to fall into even if in the back of his mind, doubts still pull at the corners of it.

Too many things left unsaid, too many unasked questions about whatever this is - all ones Claude knows he should find answers to sooner rather than later. Time here isn't guaranteed, much as he'd fooled himself into thinking it was before everything. Before Felix came and went, before they'd been abducted, before Marianne's time was just as fleeting, before Petra was here and then wasn't. All of it collides into something making it his turn to bury his fingers in hair and fabric.

Something that tells on him far too much, he's sure, but now's enough as he wills the feeling away to make room for everything else. Sylvain's in the present and solid beneath him, and he breaks away even with the hand in his hair to apply his lips to the other's neck, intent on leaving some kind of proof they were both here. ]

maybe i'm a mess

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