abraxaslogs | Revelations (not the book)

Entry tags:

Revelations (not the book)

Who: Claire (

beautifullies) and Lord John Gray (

iustise)
When: Month of August, pre-event.
Where: Horizon
What: Sir John finally gets around to letting Claire know they're [SPOILER]
Warnings: some fine (gay) drama, but who knows what else might pop up, it's Outlander /emoji shrug. will edit if needed though!

There was a time, not that long ago actually, that the idea of having Lord John over for a casual visit wouldn't even occupy a serious space in her mind. She hadn't cared to know him, this man who loved her husband and was able to spend a significant amount of time with Jamie. Time that Claire's lost forever, and even now is losing more. Somehow, she's Jamie's wife and yet, they've spent less than a full five years together. Prior to her arrival in Abraxas they were getting closer to that mark at least, but they've had a hell of a long-distance relationship.

She'd envied John the time they'd spent together and consequently resented him. Now, though, John's become a friend. One she enjoys talking, seeing, and getting to know. She knows there's something large and unspoken between them, and she's been content to pretend she's oblivious about it. She isn't, and she has her suspicions, but all these weeks, she hasn't been sure she wants to know. Maybe, though, it's time. They've only grown closer in the wake of the Feywilds after sharing a room together, and she thinks maybe, with this between them, their friendship can go no further. Claire suspects he's been leaving it up to her, and she's glad for it.

The invitation has been extended, and rather than be coy, she outright asked Lord John if he'd visit her in the Horizon so that he could tell her the truth of things. Instead of sitting indoors, she has them sitting around back in the courtyard she's made which isn't a part of the original home at all. Instead, it's her own modern cozy outdoor addition. There are different biscuits between them on a plate, a carafe of tea, and a bottle of whiskey with all the appropriate drinkware. She has no idea which beverage they'll want more, so she thought options might be the best way to go.

Once they're both settled, she manages a smile at him.

"I know I've put this off, but it's long enough, now. After everything, I should be able to handle this."

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Claire snorts and then stands as well, because though she can't read John's mind, they're both thinking the same thing. Grabbing a bottle of whisky, she sits down again heavily, tosses out her tea, and fills the cup nearly to the brim before passing the bottle to the other side of the table. He can have his fill when he's ready, but Claire drinks about half before speaking.

"Jamie says I have a 'glass face.' I've always known it." And so she knows that John is right. It was better for it to come out. "But that doesn't excuse the way Jamie reacted." She's calmer now, less hysterical, and after a few deep breaths in and out, she can't help her next question. It's her life and she figures that she has a right to know.

"Did we share a bed often?"

John stalks about the garden for a moment, back and forth, just working out some of his nervous, anxious energy, before he returns to lean heavily on the back of the chair he had been sitting on earlier. Steeling himself, he takes in a deep breath, knuckles white against the back of his hands before he responds.

"You... Were inconsolable," he says, at last. "A shadow of yourself. I certainly was not doing much better. There was--" A huff of a laugh escapes him. "A certain amount of alcohol involved, with both parties."

He glances up at her, his expression softening, saddening. "We were both of us broken people, my dear," he says. "Missing him very much. When the pair of us came to bed together, it was not just the two of us who shared it. You and I both know so."

And Jamie knew it too. That is why he had struck him.

Listening again, Claire's eyes close as he finishes and lets herself remember what it was like the first time she had to mourn Jamie. The grief was like an anchor around her heart, attempting to drag her down into the darkness of her grief. She'd thought he was dead and gone, which made her feel numb and uncaring for a long while. Brianna was the only reason Claire had to pull herself back up. She can remember that pain like it's fresh if she tries, and so she knows how she would have been after hearing of Jamie's death again.

She knows that anyone in love with Jamie would deeply mourn his death.

Opening her eyes again, she looks at John, her own expression a mixed bag of emotions, and then up at Lallybroch. All of the accidental laughter seems to have left her, and she sinks back in her chair a little further. She doesn't know what to say next, what to ask. What is there to say? When her gaze shifts back to John, it's a bit glassy, even knowing Jamie lived.

"We took care of one another," she finally says, and she means it. They grieved together, and she's getting the sense that it might have been cathartic for them both. It's an unusual realization, considering.

John stands, braced against his chair, watching her process, work through the emotions. It must be strange, he supposes, to imagine these things when their own friendship is still so fragile and new. John has lived through it himself, however, and the memory of those months together is... Tender and bittersweet.

He nods in response to her observation, a sadness in his own eyes as he meets her gaze in return.

"We did," he replies at last, taking in a deep breath as he does. "I can only speak for myself, Claire, but -- I needed you, and you were there for me. We shared our bed, and our home, and after a time... The pain of his loss did not hurt so much."

He smiles, a twist of his lips. "Of course, then he came back from the dead and all hell broke loose."

Dropping back down into his chair, John moves to pour himself his own dram of whiskey, tipping it back in one go.

"I honestly thought he might kill me, you know."

"I'm surprised he didn't," Claire replies. She'd wondered so many times what would've happened if Jamie had been able to go through the stones with her, what would have happened with Frank. And in the moments she was so angry at Frank she couldn't see straight, she liked to imagine Jamie making it known his presence was unwelcome.

But this? For all she loves Jamie, the man has his major faults, and jealousy is one. Finishing the rest of her cup, she pours another once John sits, wincing a bit at the burn.

"I'm sorry that he did. I never would have wanted that to happen to you." Her eyes are gentle when she looks at him, and she understands it, she can see it, why they were able to find comfort in one another. "And I'm sorry you lost my close relationship with you when you arrived here. Now I realize how difficult that must have been for you." They were living has husband and wife in every sense; she cannot fathom not growing close, especially if their connection went deeper than simply emotional.

"To see a friend and have them look at you differently—I'm sorry, John."

She knows it isn't her fault, but she stands anyway and moves to rest a hand on his shoulder which she squeezes gently. Then she begins pacing, solely to get some of her nervous energy out now that it's dissipating.

John lets out a huff of a laugh, shaking his head and sitting forward to put his head in his hands. It isn't her fault. He honestly isn't certain who to blame. Jamie? No, he had known what the man would do, when he'd told him the truth. But what would have been the alternative? Lie to him? Keep such a secret between them until Claire told him herself, and then what? No, it had been better this way, despite...

Taking a deep breath, he makes an effort to collect himself, rubbing at his face before he sits back in his chair to watch her pace.

"Perhaps... Our friendship might not be what it once was," John agrees, with a smile that is a little bit sad and a little bit weary. "But -- you have been a friend to me, Claire. And I thank you for that. I know... Given what little has passed between us in your time, you were under no obligation of the sort."

Claire is quiet as she sits and lets all of this sink in, resting her elbows on the table and her face in her hands for a few moments. Not out of anything other than needing to gather her thoughts. But eventually, she does lean back to look at John.

"There was no need to be unkind to you when you arrived here, what good would that have accomplished? And now—" Now, what? She isn't sure what she was going to say, but words do eventually come to her. "Now I'm trying to wrap my mind around the fact that you know me so...intimately and I hardly know you at all."

It's such a damned odd feeling, but she does manage to smile thinly.

John bites back the wild bubble of a laugh that threatens to erupt from him at her honesty. Intimate indeed. The pair of them had spent quite a lot of time together, not only... Sleeping together, as man and wife, but spending time together after the fact as well. Baring himself to her, not only physically but -- sometimes it felt as though Claire had a way of seeing through him, right down to his very soul.

Instead of laughing, however, he offers her a smile in return.

"We have been given another chance, here and now," he replies. "And -- do not give me too much credit, my dear. We were neither of us at our best, back then. Perhaps... This is for the best."

"I believe our lives have been so beautifully and chaotically disrupted by Jamie—John, we're allowed to give ourselves a bit of credit." She means that with as much love as John has for Jamie, and then she laughs again, letting it spill over before her shoulders relax a bit more. A deep breath calms her the rest of the way down, features settling into a soft expression.

"I know it must have been difficult these last weeks, knowing, and waiting on me," she begins. Not in apology, but in explanation. "Jamie and I talked all the time about our lives finally being quiet and settled, without owing anything to anyone and have a bit of peace with the time we have left. Asking meant knowing solidly that it seems life has been anything but."

It makes her sad in some ways, but in others, she doesn't care what they go through as long as it's together.

John's expression softens in return as he shakes his head slightly.

"There is time yet for peace and quiet," he says, after a long moment. "I fear neither of you have quite found that moment yet. But it will come." His smile saddens a notch. "I hope when it does I will still have some place to belong in your lives. That... He will find a way to forgive me, someday."

John takes a moment to force in a breath, pressing his eyes shut, centering himself in the absurdity of this moment -- of his life.

"God help me," he murmurs, mostly to himself. "How it all must sound to you..."

Claire doesn't say anything, not just yet. Her feelings about John right now are complicated to say the very least, but she knows she doesn't feel animosity. She's shocked that they've slept together—she knows she wouldn't love John, not the way she loves Jamie, but here she's grown fond of him. If that's possible here, than it's possible anywhere. And if he quite literally saved her in a moment of devastation, she can't help but feel deep gratitude for that.

There's no doubt in her mind of John's honor, and at this point, she realizes she's angry at Jamie for nearly killing the man. A breath leaves her like a tired sigh, but her expression is soft when she moves and eventually sits so that she can take one of his hands between both of hers.

"It sounds as though things haven't been easy for either of us, but we did what we could to survive."

She isn't sure if that's too drastic for him, but she damn well knows what it feels like to lose Jamie because death seemed to reach out and grab him. Nothing would have changed thirty years later. If John gave her something to hold onto, and she did that for him in return, the circumstances are odd and more than a little fucked, but what about her life hasn't been at one point or another? She's strong enough to deal with fucked, but not with losing Jamie.

"I know how I was when I went back through the stones the first time, pregnant with Bree. She was it for me, as far as reasons to stay alive at the time." It's quite possible John saved her from that same sinking despair.

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Revelations (not the book)

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