abraxaslogs | The elves created secret passages everywhere

Well, it would've been nice, but they're no worse than where they started without the book.

Just outta reach, isn't that always how it goes?

He wonders if the fae here were the original inhabitants.

There's a thrum of anger at Vilgefortz but there isn't anything he can do about it, just hope that Istredd doesn't get another updated memory download.

Or go back.

All those good kind of problems.

He pulls Istredd down to him to kiss him, distract him. If I could cross worlds for you, I would. Maybe split apart realities. Crack open the Singularity. Bring him back to here.

Istredd's surprised by the kiss since he's already distracted by all the worst realities of this, but it is easily grounding. He returns it, running his fingers through Lucifer's hair, curling his other hand into his shirt, holding him there.

It's really bad if I say I wish you would, right? That I want someone to think I'm worth it? And not something Istredd would want when he is sane and calm and can think about the big picture. Lucifer trying to tear through realities to get to him is a bad idea, it's dangerous. Even joking about it is dangerous. But Istredd's thought about the same thing before, about what he'd do if he lost Lucifer. That's the problem with love. It makes people irrational.

He breaks out of the kiss with a sharp breath in of air, and he seems out of control again for a second, but not with the visions from before. Instead Istredd seems momentarily far away, and then he's back, blinking through the confusion.

"Yenna thinks I'm dead." She cried out to him but he also felt her power all the way from here. It's Chaos, whirling. She has it back. "She knows what happened next." Which means he has to go explain to her what happened on his end and hear whatever terrible things he missed. Istredd kisses Lucifer's forehead gently before pushing off him, standing.

"I'll be back. I love you." Istredd can't unfortunately wait to get anything back from Lucifer because Yennefer is literally running toward them and he'd rather get to her first while they talk this through. He has to go.

As promised, he does come back not that long after. Istredd did put his usual block around them to talk it all out, Yennefer would hate the idea of anyone knowing the extent of her vulnerability, even by feeling it through Istredd. He looks like the depression has fully fallen onto his shoulders when he walks back in, the block dropping to have this general sense of numbness and shock. It's clear whatever he heard, or however he's feeling about it, is not in any way better than before.

I mean, yes, it's probably bad. But it's one thing for Lucifer to not lose himself if Istredd's gone and another thing if Istredd's gone and then going to be potentially tortured and experimented on and then maybe if he's lucky killed. Sure the sane version of Istredd wouldn't want it, but Istredd in this moment and the Istredd that would be at the mercy of Vilgefortz wouldn't care how many universes Lucifer destroyed.

God's destroyed more for petty reasons.

At least Lucifer would be doing it for someone else.

He blinks, again thrown, when Istredd breaks away, floundering to catch up. This whiplash tonight isn't good for him. For either of them.

He stays laying out on Istredd's bed, eyes closed, letting his mind metaphorically pool out around him and sort out the flecks that remained damaged from his round with the myriapod as his copilot. That he ignored and swept back into the sea of his mind in favor of his exhaustion. It's harder to ignore now.

He doesn't lock it all back up when Istredd gets back, feeling his approach more than he usually would. Honestly he could likely smell the depression, and his senses aren't that good these days.

"So why'd you punch Geralt?"

He doubts Yennefer had any good news and she knows Istredd is alive, so he's just going to go with that, as though maybe it'll pull some other emotions out of Istredd.

Istredd obviously is concerned for the intensity of their connection right now which is why he pushed him away, but they'll get through it, he's confident in that. They'll have to just find the edges that are theirs again. It's been a hard time, he decides they'll have to give themselves a break about it. They couldn't have seen this coming back to back.

Also he is just very tired and can't worry about everything at the moment. Istredd would not have given Lucifer such whiplash if it didn't seem like the wise thing to do at the time. Yennefer wouldn't have wanted that conversation to be nearby anyone else.

He crawls onto the bed and curls up next to Lucifer, placing his head on his chest. Hearing the vessel's heart beat, another reminder to himself that he is elsewhere. Caught in this world, not there. "It was a distraction he didn't warn me about. We were trying to get into Stregobor's study without him noticing, so he started a fight with me, assuming Stregobor would pay attention." There is a sharp feeling of pain there again, like a stab to the heart.

"He told me to go with it so I did." They work well together when they need to. Istredd reaches over to take Lucifer's hand and brings it to his mouth, kissing his knuckles affectionately.

"He's dead." He thought saying it out loud would help. But he's not in denial. It's complicated. "Stregobor." Lucifer knows that despite Istredd's dislike of the man, despite the fact they were trying to trap him that night, he didn't want him dead. It isn't as simple as hatred between them. Because it wasn't hatred from Stregobor. Whatever Istredd felt or said, his mentor cared for him, in whatever small way his cruel heart would allow.

As someone with a complicated relationship with their own shitty father, Lucifer probably understands. No matter what Istredd says about him not having a family, a parent, tonight has proven that he wasn't telling the full truth, not to himself.

If they could see the problems they have to come they would likely go insane. Precognition ain't all it's cracked up to be.

He thumps an arm and a leg around Istredd.

"Well, satisfactory even if he asked for it, I imagine."

Lucifer's amusement is short-lived. Why wouldn't it be.

"Ah." He's too winded to keep the 'good riddance' implication from his thoughts and he winces. Ehhh. "Ah," he repeats, unhelpfully. He knows it's complicated, obviously. He does get it. That doesn't change his thoughts on the matter.

"I don't think he expected me to knock him across the room with magic, but he literally asked for it." Istredd smiles with very little humor, but he'll give it to them both, this moment of pettiness. It was funny. He'll be seeing Geralt tomorrow and find out then if he's updated the same way. The head throwing will be a joke either way.

He puts an arm around Lucifer's waist instead of getting offended by his good riddance energy. It's true. Stregobor was a bad person on many different levels. A lot of his struggle right now is that Istredd shouldn't be upset that someone like Stregobor died, not after everything. But he thinks this might be mourning. And that is a complicated reality.

"All of the older generation died. Yenna's mentor Tissaia too." At least Triss was alive. Istredd's not sure he could have lived with having left her to die. "As long as he was alive, some part of me would hope he'd change." Stregobor was never going to change. In a way, taking that away from Istredd is good, it was a foolish and naive part of him. But that hope is dead now too.

They're all shaped by someone, whether or not there are levels of caring involved to back it. Doesn't have to be a parent. Doesn't mean any of them have to be happy. There's just facts in their lives they can't alter. And in Istredd's screwed-up mage collective, Stregobor was who he had--for better, but likely for worse.

You don't have to care about someone to mourn.

"People don't change in their native environment."

Maybe Stregobor could've after said native environment for all intents and purposes 'blew up' and went through a bit of terraforming. Maybe if he was the only 'older generation' left. Lucifer doubts it.

Maybe if he was here and Lucifer didn't kill him on sight he'd have a real chance at what Istredd was always hoping for.

His statement is more optimistic than it would've been in the past though.

It is a more optimistic statement and Istredd lifts up on an elbow next to him, so he can look at him. Lucifer changed outside of his native environment so he's speaking from experience, and it's something Istredd's seen since coming here, witnessed and done himself. He cups Lucifer's cheek and leans in to kiss him with feeling, lingering a few seconds before pulling back, but still gazing at him.

"I definitely don't want him to come here. For one, he'd probably become the queen's favorite advisor and replace Ambrose within a year." Stregobor is an ass in many ways but he's a master manipulator. Who knows what he and the queen would get up to together. "For two, you'd kill him immediately and get in trouble."

Istredd smiles at him. "Not for me, you'd just instantly hate him for himself." He likely would remind Lucifer a little too much of his own father in some ways. He's got that vibe.

"I got a flashback right now to us on the perch, when I told you about him." The perch being the usual place Lucifer sits now when he's thinking, that he knows Istredd can find him at. "He could never be you."

"Kyle would help me hide the body." More than likely, anyway. He could be convinced. Especially with the body being Stregobor. Kell would, too, but Lucifer wouldn't bring Kell into it. "He wouldn't even have time to butter-up the queen." He also likely wouldn't make it a few days, and only that long so that they could prep doing a murder without getting caught.

It would mostly be for Istredd. If Lucifer killed everyone he didn't like on sight he'd already be permanantely locked up by now.

"Well, I should hope not," he says jokingly, a touch of false sweetness, a pinch mischievous, "we don't need you romancing your mentor."

"That's not what I want if he does show up, you know that right?" At this point it is actually possible. It could happen. There are five people from his sphere there, one of the higher number. Who knows if this is one of Thorne's favorite spheres to pull from. Istredd would hate to have to be in a position where he has to spend all his time protecting Stregobor of all people.

Because he'd still want to believe. That's the problem.

Istredd scrunches up his nose and kisses Lucifer lightly. "I don't have that kind of father issues." Istredd would not use the word 'daddy.' It's not in his vocabulary. The implication is the same thing.

"Fine, he gets a month, maybe two if I'm feeling charitable, that's enough time for something to go horribly wrong for him to show his colors."

He's just working off experience, okay. Tried and true experience with this place.

But he's not going to prevent anyone else from offing the guy.

... Ugh. Who's he kidding. He would.

So annoying.

So no murder (right away), but definitely threatening and maybe some bodily harm.

He lets out a laugh at Istredd's reaction. Any change to the open pit of sadness is a win in Lucifer's book.

"Two months is very fair, thank you." Negotiating the potential murder of his already dead mentor, completely reasonable. Istredd has no idea at this moment in time what he'd do if Stregobor showed up tomorrow. There are already too many emotions going on. He might be so relieved he's breathing that he would give him two months before realizing he was a lost cause.

He moves onto his back, looking up at the ceiling. Istredd threads their fingers together though, holding some point of contact. "Linhardt asked me if my leaning into mental magic was a choice, but it wasn't. Stregobor pulled me out of the group, said I had the temperament for his specialization. He molded me into his protege." And the young and shy Istredd felt special because of it. That sort of attention meant he'd probably survive too, that he was safer.

"They make you grateful for keeping you alive, so your life is theirs forever. I should be happy they're dead. Yenna plans on restarting but ... training the right way. Not like how we were raised." Changing the toxic pattern, now that the old guard is dead, and the organization was burned down. It could be restarted with a different approach.

It's perfectly reasonable. Sensible, even! Important to know.

But then if Stregobor did show up tomorrow Lucifer would not be running a solo operation, he'd be pulling help and it would not be involving either of the mages that might have some warped and varied emotional involvement. He supposes besides Kyle it might be Thancred. Sabine, if he could swing it under the right reasoning.

(He misses Natasha a bit more everyday, but that's a different problem.)

"Not all cages are physical," he say knowingly. "I hope Yennefer knows what she's doing."

"So do I. We can say all we want that we wouldn't kidnap and force anyone, but what's the other option? Leaving them to die from Chaos? I suppose the difference could be letting them stay with their families and coming to them to train. Or sending them home every night, if that's what they want."

They have portals that can bring them anywhere. It would be just as easy to portal to another city to meet with a trainee daily or bring them to the school and back again. There are options. They've just never thought of them before. It's always been one way. Giving the choice is what would matter. Some of them might prefer going to school full-time. He hasn't talked with Yennefer about her plan. There are so few mages left now.

"No eels, at least. That I know." Yennefer lost one of the only girls who was nice to her that way. And Tissaia even made her do it. Ridiculous. They don't have any well of magic for them to put them in. So there are changes.

"But I'm not going to be there to see it."

"Being given a choice and options--even if the choice they pick is to die," he says, awfully morbid, but it's the truth. Maybe they take people down with them as they die, maybe giving them a choice isn't a good plan ultimately.

But anything else is just imprisonment. Dress it up as kindly as you want, but it's another gilded cage no matter what. Resentment builds just as easily as misconstrued loyalty.

The 'no eels' doesn't even earn a chuckle from him.

"You don't know that," he says sternly. Despite that... Istredd, ideally, shouldn't see it. He should remain, physically, in Abraxas. Just picking up radio waves, lost frequencies, whale sounds rolling in from another time, another universe, bouncing around.

(Some punk kid Lucifer ran into once in the Horizon wondering if Lucifer could tune his irritating radio waves. Maybe he could. Maybe he is.)

Istredd stops himself before he would argue against letting them do that, because it's not him arguing in concern of the young mages. It's the Brotherhood mindset, that they're too important to be left alone. Especially now, with so few mages, they need them. It's the toxic thinking that they're still learning how to walk back on. He assumes Yennefer and the others will struggle with this too, knowing how to unravel the upbringing they have. He rubs his fingers into his eyes.

"Our time - the mages - is over. Even if Yenna trains new ones, we don't have the power anymore to manipulate thrones. I'm not sure what she'd be training them for, outside of finding Vilgefortz and killing him." Partly revenge, partly for the good of all. That man cannot be allowed to live, he's insanely dangerous, and he does intend good. Istredd thinks they never knew him even a little. He was so different, afterward.

"She said if she finds Vilgefortz, they'll find me." Which is true. If he survives to that point, so there is hope. They might not know to look for him, but Istredd is positive the man will keep him somewhere accessible to him. "I know it shouldn't matter." He can't force his brain to do that. He turns his head toward Lucifer.

"Come closer. Pull me into your arms." Lucifer doesn't know instinctively how to comfort, and that's fine. Istredd has to learn how to ask for what he wants anyway. "Tell me that we are going to do everything we can to keep us here and together. And that you care about me more than they ever could."

If he survives and if there's any piece of his sanity left to patch up. Any will remaining. It's like Istredd might not like himself if he became a killer like Lucifer. Whatever that comes out of some kinds of darkness maybe shouldn't come out at all.

It's a different problem entirely, and at the moment not presently.

Lucifer doesn't know instinctively how to comfort but he also doesn't like in general going about things the normal way as every single other person. It's what feels right, and that's not easy to find.

(He still doesn't see how comforting platitudes will help. It's what Istredd wants, what he asks for, craves, but--)

"That's not very difficult considering how they treated you--"

There is a wrong answer to the options at hand.

He pulls Istredd in. Dots simple kisses at the back of his neck, hairline, shoulder, chin. Simple. Idle distractions, nothing more. A slight buffer to give himself time.

(He doesn't think actually telling Istredd they'd do everything they can is wise because Lucifer's idea of 'everything' is at risk of being toxic and deadly to everyone else but a handful of them. Lucifer could still be the catalyst that burns the continent down but they'll make it, they'll continue on. No matter the cost.)

He can't get around this with a pun.

That this is one of the greatest struggles Lucifer's had in their relationship says a lot about him, even with the instructions. Istredd could give him an entire step-by-step manual in fifteen different languages and Lucifer would continue to stare at him with a blankness.

(Istredd maybe should've stayed with Yennefer for the time being.)

The truth is dangerous. The truth is the already-mentioned crossing worlds dangerous.

But Lucifer has no flowery words and his nature is truth, as rattled as that's been the last few years. He wraps a grounding hand around each of Istredd's arms, forehead to the back of Istredd's head. His voice is more chilling than his touch has ever been.

Careful what you ask for, Istredd.

"There is no end to the lengths I would go to in order to keep you here with me, far from their reach."

Istredd may be stronger than people think, than even they thought post-kidnapping, but he doesn't think he's the kind of person who will do well after torture. And he'll try to fight since giving Vilgefortz the key to that book would be a disaster, and Istredd wouldn't want to live with the guilt of being too soft. He wouldn't be the same after torture. He wouldn't be the same after killing freely. He killed in the battle and he doesn't regret that, not now.

"They weren't all bad people. But the best of them does seem to have gotten out with Yenna, a small handful." Maybe it's like when Lucifer refers to most humans being bad, with a few shining exceptions. The survivors were their class. Stepping up.

"Although a few of them did put me in chains so I haven't forgiven them yet." Fucking Sabrina of all people. He may hold that grudge a little longer. She danced with him the night before, smiling as she dragged him out, knowing what she'd do soon.

Istredd curls back against Lucifer by instinct and he feels better the moment he follows his instruction. Those casual touches are all meaningful. He leans back into him, seeking the comfort he demanded and getting it. He's not sorry. Lucifer is better at this than he thinks, he just doesn't have a lot of practice.

He sucks in a deep breath and lets it out slowly, a little ragged, emotional. Intellectually he disagrees and they both know that. He's glad he isn't looking at him because there may be tears stinging at the corners. Istredd has only thrived because Lucifer sees and values him.

"Just for tonight, I'm going to be selfish, and glad." Istredd has to be reasonable but right then, he is feeling too many emotions to be his logical good self. He wants to imagine someone ripping apart reality and space to cling to him, to sarifice everything for him. The just for tonight is to underline he can't always admit to this feeling ... but he may always feel it, a little bit.

The worst part is next and he pauses before continuing.

"For all my talk about putting the big picture first, I'd want to do the same. You're the beat of my heart, Lucifer."

Edited 2023-09-25 01:12 (UTC)

If this was months ago Lucifer might argue that he shouldn't be the beat of Istredd's heart. That some part of all this is wrong. Heck, if even a few weeks ago. He's too tired now, again, for new reasons. Too mentally wrung-out. He's accepted that Istredd, as much as Lucifer thinks him crazy and an idiot (more so than anyone looking on at their relationship from the outside), does love him.

He can accept this, too. With all the dark connotations it brings--that it's not just from his side, but Istredd's, too. That's important and, arguable, not Lucifer's fault.

"Yennefer will execute anyone that doesn't cave to her ways," he says in... reassurance.

It's what he would do.

"Fiiiine, just for tonight," he agrees, for a few seconds, because Lucifer can't exactly tear apart the cosmos for some mage that he's heavily connected to and treasures more than a possession if only because the kids are in that same cosmos (though they'd likely understand and forgive him, and isn't that equally screwed up). His arms are a vice. He presses his cheek to Istredd's. Just for tonight Lucifer could destroy the universe. However. "However," he echoes, and their minds are still too nauseatingly conjoined, Lucifer's words too precise, "I imagine my value for you to be eternal."

If only a constant wound. If Istredd dies, if Istredd for some inane reason betrays him, the man's mark on him, the intense weight, will always be there. Whatever knot of Lucifer's feelings cannot be ignored, just joins the similar (askance) feelings Lucifer has for family.

Whether or not he wants them to.

Istredd couldn't help himself, feeling this way. He can't help himself now. It's useless to try. He can live without Lucifer and they both know they'd have to, it's not as if that can change. They are stuck here and it might be solo. They've talked before about wanting the other person to keep living. He means it. This is only a moment of weakness that he feels like he should be allowed to have. Istredd wants to be saved. It reminds him of the Pit, when he thought they wouldn't make it in time, as he slowly died.

He hooks an arm around Lucifer's neck behind him, his fingers a caress into his hair. He leans back into his embrace and closes his eyes, letting the pain exist. Dealing with it, as he said he had to. It would be easier to take it away, but not better.

"The multiverse comes first," Istredd admits. They both know that. He can want Lucifer to say the words and take some solace in it, which is why he's going to let himself have it for a few seconds. He can't risk Lucifer getting sent back to his death as punishment for trying to break the universe, or any of their loved ones. It's more about intention. It is, as he says, about value.

"But I'd probably go crazy just for a little while." Not so crazy that he'd tear things apart, but still. Istredd is being responsible to see it that way. He'd let the others in to keep him from blowing the world up. They can both count on them.

"Sorry. I didn't want to make this week worse for us." They know it isn't his choice but he's so broken. It's a reminder of how much he botched the bond that they're bleeding like this. "Maybe it's time to put some walls up." Istredd isn't trying to push him away or force space between them, the problem is he doesn't want to. He's greedy and selfish. He wants that beautiful mind to be his. But no one can deny the damage done.

The multiverse has no value to Lucifer. Far as he's concerned they're just pages on pages of some God's--maybe not his--worlds.

He's egotistical enough to only care about the world he's on, and that's only to the point where it serves his interests. The only good thing being 'his interests' have expanded.

Maybe someone will be around to stop either one of them.

Maybe no one would be left (in which case Lucifer fully believes Istredd capable and willing to tear things apart).

Maybe in some laughable possibility everything will be fine and they'll have a future. Wouldn't that be something?

The damage is... significant. The simple way of Istredd reacting to Lucifer going under initially in the fight was significant. It can't be ignored and even Lucifer in a more recent stretch has shared equally in that greed.

It's codependency at its worst.

"I don't want to." What? Someone had to say it. "We just... need it back to what it was before the mountains. That was fine."

Istredd usually hopes for the best on this front. He wants to imagine a version of a happy ending for them where they stay in this world, together and with their friends, for centuries. Maybe a part of him is fixated on the new gods being Summoned because it means they've been here for so long. Obviously, they don't want to become them precisely, but it's still the potential to stay here.

And nothing will ever be a 'happy ending' with all the nonsense and turmoil going on, but it'll be close, for them.

Istredd turns in Lucifer's arms but doesn't remove them from around him, in fact he puts a hand there to make certain he stays that close. He needs physical reassurance. It does put them pretty much nose to nose which he doesn't mind either, it's not new for them. Once secured, his hand caresses Lucifer's cheek.

"I don't want to either. But this happened because of my selfishness." The unhealthy aspect of their bond is solely his problem. Yes, Lucifer wanted it and allowed it, he may have even pushed it if Istredd did make the bond efficiently. They keep wanting to be closer.

He doesn't want to do anything that puts walls between them. It's more concern and guilt for Lucifer driving him.

"I just ... don't want my love for you to do more damage than good."

To think Lucifer's always quietly concerned with being the toxic one between the two of them. That love could be a corruptible force shouldn't be surprising to him of all people, isn't that arguably what fueled and warped him with his Father?

It's maybe this reason alone that he acknowleges Istredd has a point.

"I know waiting may make it worse but... I think doing it while we're both," look he's finally putting voice to his own state!, "unstable is unwise."

Love can be the most dangerous emotion of them all. It drives people to do all kinds of things, bad and good. Istredd and Yennefer made their bond before they were in love and they did it the official Brotherhood way. Theirs was always stronger than most because of their emotional binds, but it's still always been appropriate. But Yennefer is better at her boundaries.

"I'm worried if we wait, we'll find reasons not to do it."

When they're in their right minds, they'll have all kinds of rationality about why they were not at their best and they're fine. They can go back to before the mountains, like Lucifer said, that's what they'll say. He rests their foreheads against each other.

"So. We'll have to agree that when we're both stable, we won't brush it off. If we keep going in this direction, we won't be able to block the other anymore. We'll be bleeding into each other."

They'll be two minds blending into one rather than individuals. Istredd was never warned about this because Stregobor wasn't capable of loving anyone enough to let them get this close. They were of course all told to be careful, but this was more of an accident than an active choice. They need to be able to still block each other. Like Istredd when he's with Yennefer or dealing with something on his end, or when Lucifer wants his quiet or to talk to others separately. They need the option.

"You have to hold me accountable, Lucifer."

Edited 2023-10-03 18:53 (UTC)

"If we do it now though we are going to lose bits between each other." Taking the idea of lost keys to a jacked level.

At the very least though he does need to be able to block Istredd. He'd still say it's for Istredd's safety, regardless what may actually be true--he hardly knows his own motives much of the time.

"I will." Hold him accountable. "I promise." It's extremely rare that he's willing to ever make any kind of promise, and Istredd would be well aware of that by now.

The elves created secret passages everywhere

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careful what you ask for, Istredd

found a little error while re-reading

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We can wrap here! We can write out the making mental walls thing if you want or notttt

October Kool-Aid Man