abraxaslogs | The elves created secret passages everywhere

If he survives and if there's any piece of his sanity left to patch up. Any will remaining. It's like Istredd might not like himself if he became a killer like Lucifer. Whatever that comes out of some kinds of darkness maybe shouldn't come out at all.

It's a different problem entirely, and at the moment not presently.

Lucifer doesn't know instinctively how to comfort but he also doesn't like in general going about things the normal way as every single other person. It's what feels right, and that's not easy to find.

(He still doesn't see how comforting platitudes will help. It's what Istredd wants, what he asks for, craves, but--)

"That's not very difficult considering how they treated you--"

There is a wrong answer to the options at hand.

He pulls Istredd in. Dots simple kisses at the back of his neck, hairline, shoulder, chin. Simple. Idle distractions, nothing more. A slight buffer to give himself time.

(He doesn't think actually telling Istredd they'd do everything they can is wise because Lucifer's idea of 'everything' is at risk of being toxic and deadly to everyone else but a handful of them. Lucifer could still be the catalyst that burns the continent down but they'll make it, they'll continue on. No matter the cost.)

He can't get around this with a pun.

That this is one of the greatest struggles Lucifer's had in their relationship says a lot about him, even with the instructions. Istredd could give him an entire step-by-step manual in fifteen different languages and Lucifer would continue to stare at him with a blankness.

(Istredd maybe should've stayed with Yennefer for the time being.)

The truth is dangerous. The truth is the already-mentioned crossing worlds dangerous.

But Lucifer has no flowery words and his nature is truth, as rattled as that's been the last few years. He wraps a grounding hand around each of Istredd's arms, forehead to the back of Istredd's head. His voice is more chilling than his touch has ever been.

Careful what you ask for, Istredd.

"There is no end to the lengths I would go to in order to keep you here with me, far from their reach."

Istredd may be stronger than people think, than even they thought post-kidnapping, but he doesn't think he's the kind of person who will do well after torture. And he'll try to fight since giving Vilgefortz the key to that book would be a disaster, and Istredd wouldn't want to live with the guilt of being too soft. He wouldn't be the same after torture. He wouldn't be the same after killing freely. He killed in the battle and he doesn't regret that, not now.

"They weren't all bad people. But the best of them does seem to have gotten out with Yenna, a small handful." Maybe it's like when Lucifer refers to most humans being bad, with a few shining exceptions. The survivors were their class. Stepping up.

"Although a few of them did put me in chains so I haven't forgiven them yet." Fucking Sabrina of all people. He may hold that grudge a little longer. She danced with him the night before, smiling as she dragged him out, knowing what she'd do soon.

Istredd curls back against Lucifer by instinct and he feels better the moment he follows his instruction. Those casual touches are all meaningful. He leans back into him, seeking the comfort he demanded and getting it. He's not sorry. Lucifer is better at this than he thinks, he just doesn't have a lot of practice.

He sucks in a deep breath and lets it out slowly, a little ragged, emotional. Intellectually he disagrees and they both know that. He's glad he isn't looking at him because there may be tears stinging at the corners. Istredd has only thrived because Lucifer sees and values him.

"Just for tonight, I'm going to be selfish, and glad." Istredd has to be reasonable but right then, he is feeling too many emotions to be his logical good self. He wants to imagine someone ripping apart reality and space to cling to him, to sarifice everything for him. The just for tonight is to underline he can't always admit to this feeling ... but he may always feel it, a little bit.

The worst part is next and he pauses before continuing.

"For all my talk about putting the big picture first, I'd want to do the same. You're the beat of my heart, Lucifer."

Edited 2023-09-25 01:12 (UTC)

If this was months ago Lucifer might argue that he shouldn't be the beat of Istredd's heart. That some part of all this is wrong. Heck, if even a few weeks ago. He's too tired now, again, for new reasons. Too mentally wrung-out. He's accepted that Istredd, as much as Lucifer thinks him crazy and an idiot (more so than anyone looking on at their relationship from the outside), does love him.

He can accept this, too. With all the dark connotations it brings--that it's not just from his side, but Istredd's, too. That's important and, arguable, not Lucifer's fault.

"Yennefer will execute anyone that doesn't cave to her ways," he says in... reassurance.

It's what he would do.

"Fiiiine, just for tonight," he agrees, for a few seconds, because Lucifer can't exactly tear apart the cosmos for some mage that he's heavily connected to and treasures more than a possession if only because the kids are in that same cosmos (though they'd likely understand and forgive him, and isn't that equally screwed up). His arms are a vice. He presses his cheek to Istredd's. Just for tonight Lucifer could destroy the universe. However. "However," he echoes, and their minds are still too nauseatingly conjoined, Lucifer's words too precise, "I imagine my value for you to be eternal."

If only a constant wound. If Istredd dies, if Istredd for some inane reason betrays him, the man's mark on him, the intense weight, will always be there. Whatever knot of Lucifer's feelings cannot be ignored, just joins the similar (askance) feelings Lucifer has for family.

Whether or not he wants them to.

Istredd couldn't help himself, feeling this way. He can't help himself now. It's useless to try. He can live without Lucifer and they both know they'd have to, it's not as if that can change. They are stuck here and it might be solo. They've talked before about wanting the other person to keep living. He means it. This is only a moment of weakness that he feels like he should be allowed to have. Istredd wants to be saved. It reminds him of the Pit, when he thought they wouldn't make it in time, as he slowly died.

He hooks an arm around Lucifer's neck behind him, his fingers a caress into his hair. He leans back into his embrace and closes his eyes, letting the pain exist. Dealing with it, as he said he had to. It would be easier to take it away, but not better.

"The multiverse comes first," Istredd admits. They both know that. He can want Lucifer to say the words and take some solace in it, which is why he's going to let himself have it for a few seconds. He can't risk Lucifer getting sent back to his death as punishment for trying to break the universe, or any of their loved ones. It's more about intention. It is, as he says, about value.

"But I'd probably go crazy just for a little while." Not so crazy that he'd tear things apart, but still. Istredd is being responsible to see it that way. He'd let the others in to keep him from blowing the world up. They can both count on them.

"Sorry. I didn't want to make this week worse for us." They know it isn't his choice but he's so broken. It's a reminder of how much he botched the bond that they're bleeding like this. "Maybe it's time to put some walls up." Istredd isn't trying to push him away or force space between them, the problem is he doesn't want to. He's greedy and selfish. He wants that beautiful mind to be his. But no one can deny the damage done.

The multiverse has no value to Lucifer. Far as he's concerned they're just pages on pages of some God's--maybe not his--worlds.

He's egotistical enough to only care about the world he's on, and that's only to the point where it serves his interests. The only good thing being 'his interests' have expanded.

Maybe someone will be around to stop either one of them.

Maybe no one would be left (in which case Lucifer fully believes Istredd capable and willing to tear things apart).

Maybe in some laughable possibility everything will be fine and they'll have a future. Wouldn't that be something?

The damage is... significant. The simple way of Istredd reacting to Lucifer going under initially in the fight was significant. It can't be ignored and even Lucifer in a more recent stretch has shared equally in that greed.

It's codependency at its worst.

"I don't want to." What? Someone had to say it. "We just... need it back to what it was before the mountains. That was fine."

Istredd usually hopes for the best on this front. He wants to imagine a version of a happy ending for them where they stay in this world, together and with their friends, for centuries. Maybe a part of him is fixated on the new gods being Summoned because it means they've been here for so long. Obviously, they don't want to become them precisely, but it's still the potential to stay here.

And nothing will ever be a 'happy ending' with all the nonsense and turmoil going on, but it'll be close, for them.

Istredd turns in Lucifer's arms but doesn't remove them from around him, in fact he puts a hand there to make certain he stays that close. He needs physical reassurance. It does put them pretty much nose to nose which he doesn't mind either, it's not new for them. Once secured, his hand caresses Lucifer's cheek.

"I don't want to either. But this happened because of my selfishness." The unhealthy aspect of their bond is solely his problem. Yes, Lucifer wanted it and allowed it, he may have even pushed it if Istredd did make the bond efficiently. They keep wanting to be closer.

He doesn't want to do anything that puts walls between them. It's more concern and guilt for Lucifer driving him.

"I just ... don't want my love for you to do more damage than good."

To think Lucifer's always quietly concerned with being the toxic one between the two of them. That love could be a corruptible force shouldn't be surprising to him of all people, isn't that arguably what fueled and warped him with his Father?

It's maybe this reason alone that he acknowleges Istredd has a point.

"I know waiting may make it worse but... I think doing it while we're both," look he's finally putting voice to his own state!, "unstable is unwise."

Love can be the most dangerous emotion of them all. It drives people to do all kinds of things, bad and good. Istredd and Yennefer made their bond before they were in love and they did it the official Brotherhood way. Theirs was always stronger than most because of their emotional binds, but it's still always been appropriate. But Yennefer is better at her boundaries.

"I'm worried if we wait, we'll find reasons not to do it."

When they're in their right minds, they'll have all kinds of rationality about why they were not at their best and they're fine. They can go back to before the mountains, like Lucifer said, that's what they'll say. He rests their foreheads against each other.

"So. We'll have to agree that when we're both stable, we won't brush it off. If we keep going in this direction, we won't be able to block the other anymore. We'll be bleeding into each other."

They'll be two minds blending into one rather than individuals. Istredd was never warned about this because Stregobor wasn't capable of loving anyone enough to let them get this close. They were of course all told to be careful, but this was more of an accident than an active choice. They need to be able to still block each other. Like Istredd when he's with Yennefer or dealing with something on his end, or when Lucifer wants his quiet or to talk to others separately. They need the option.

"You have to hold me accountable, Lucifer."

Edited 2023-10-03 18:53 (UTC)

"If we do it now though we are going to lose bits between each other." Taking the idea of lost keys to a jacked level.

At the very least though he does need to be able to block Istredd. He'd still say it's for Istredd's safety, regardless what may actually be true--he hardly knows his own motives much of the time.

"I will." Hold him accountable. "I promise." It's extremely rare that he's willing to ever make any kind of promise, and Istredd would be well aware of that by now.

They have been mostly on a reasonable level before now. Able to block, able to separate their minds, and use the bond only by choice. The monster threw a wrench in things, it was too loud and intense and it required Istredd to dive in deeper. And then this happened and Lucifer tried to block out the feelings for him, and it's a mess.

"We need to be able to do that in an emergency, but ... if it happens again, I think we'll be in a better spot if we've already built-in the defenses." They do need to be ready for if Lucifer loses himself, not to a monster but to his grace, that was an agreement they made. It's why Istredd doesn't feel guilty about what he had to do, but also why he thinks they need to learn from it.

"I'm making this up as I go," he admits. "This wasn't something I trained for. Stregobor trained me to break minds, not love them."

And he's gone now so it's not like you can get mad at him.

It's slipped over followed by a mild apology because yes he believed it, no did he want Istredd to hear it.

"Yeaaaaah..."

Istredd's quiet for a moment but he's not upset by what Lucifer said. Stregobor was a bad person, he's the one who told Lucifer that, backed up by many examples of his villainous behavior. So his instincts and reactions to this are reasonable.

I wish I only remembered the bad things about him. I wish my feelings about him weren't so complicated.

It would mean that this never bothered him in the first place. It wouldn't be hanging over his head. Istredd could have shrugged off his death and gotten nothing from it other than 'good.' But that's not the situation he's in. He knows Lucifer understands given his own situation, and the last thing he wants to do is point to it, poke at his parental trauma just because Istredd's in a bad place.

Oh, Lucifer can poke at it all on his own. It's always the rawest topic between Lucifer and Michael. Worsened and at a different angle with Gabriel now in the picture. Boatloads of trauma for the whole family!

He hadn't meant the slip though and he continues to speak out loud in his attempts to keep from further blurring for the moment. Lucifer is all about erasing the pain and pushing it all away like it's nothing, better that way, but he sighs, almost defeated.

If Istredd's going to 'feel it' or whatever foolish plan he has, Lucifer will give him the best tool.

"Whatever 'good things' might be scrapped together, hold onto it. Because if you let it get buried, in another century you won't be able to pull it back up, ever, in any decent light."

Istredd does want to feel this, because pushing it down and burying things is going to lead to what Lucifer is saying now. He tried to bury everything about Yennefer but never succeeded and while they've had a lot of pain because of it, and around them, he doesn't regret not letting go of her. The pain has turned into something new, into something good.

With Stregobor, it's a lot around the fact this just happened, and also because he did think in a hundred years somehow things could be different. Impossible, in truth, but there was a hope. Even after calling him a villain and getting him arrested. It was naive, more a wish of a child than an adult who should know better.

In a few weeks he'll be past this, as much as he can be. But he's too much in it. He reaches up to run his fingers through Lucifer's hair in a comforting gesture.

"I know this is close to home, I'm sorry." Again, he doesn't want to be responsible for dragging Lucifer down into his pit of temporary despair. They're both so tired.

"Maybe I should go organize things in my Horizon, let you sleep." It's an out if Lucifer needs one, needs a break.

He wants the break, obviously. It's not fair that he has to deal with this despite that this comes with everything else they have and Istredd's shouldered him through worse so he knows it's perfectly fair he's just--yeah--

Only taking the out feels a lot like failure. And Istredd is, clearly, not going to sleep.

Again with the apologies, ugh.

"No, I'm..." He can't really do this but... "Let me help you," he says, shifting gears. "I won't put anything in the wrong place. Assam would probably peck me, anyway." Or he could hide up in the shelves like he does regularly anyway. He can be a supportive presence without... being overwhelmed himself.

"Lucifer." Istredd cups his face, running his finger along his cheekbone. "You need to rest your mind. It's just bad timing. I know you feel like you need to do better for me, but you've done plenty." He kisses him gently, flooding Lucifer with genuine gratitude and affection, so he knows that Istredd sees it, understands it. Everything is tainted by his sadness but it's not all that he is.

"Please sleep. I'll go obsess over my blackboards and distract myself. We both need some time to heal, that's all." Istredd will get through this eventually but it's not something that can be 'fixed' in one night. And preparing for the Summoned meeting will help. He sits up and takes Lucifer's hand, kissing the fingers, but hoping that he will stay down.

"I love you. You know that, right?"

"Everything is always bad timing," he replies, annoyed. It's true. That's sure his experience with Abraxas. He cuts back his frustration though.

He'd argue he isn't going to sleep with all this noise going on, like the opposite of when Lucifer's mind was pure static, but the reality is he likely will. Exhaustion is a funny thing.

"Yes, I know whatever your fool's brain has decided," he says, not a single bit snippy despite what the words are--fond, even. He has Accepted this. Understand it? No. Will he ever understand it? Probably not.

"We definitely aren't getting any mercy here, no." Mercy, what's that? It could be worse, Istredd could have experienced his actual death which would be harder than the uncertainty of whatever comes next. Lucifer's damage is far more concerning. There is nothing Istredd can do about his friends who died or the loss of the mages. He can do something to protect the man he loves.

He smiles faintly and leans in to kiss him, reaching over to get the blanket, they had to move beds after all, and settle it comfortably around his partner like he's tucking him in. Because he is, and it's the ways he can show care.

Istredd sits with his back to the wall, legs crossed underneath him, so Lucifer can sleep nearby without worrying about Istredd not being there, and he can go into the Horizon. "It may be a little foolish to fall in love with someone from another sphere, but I'm not sorry and you'll just have to live with that." He nudges Lucifer playfully with his knee. "Go to sleep, love."

In about a week Lucifer will have memories given to him by Michael of his actual (second???) death (that he will not share with Istredd) so hey, draw of the cards, uncertainty abound. The difference being that they both assumed already that Lucifer was dead in his future. Istredd still has some vague strain of hope.

But then... which is better? The certainty of death or the uncertainty of life?

"Yeah, yeah," he says begrudgingly, chin stuck out but that doesn't stop him from winding the blanket comfortably around him. "Go put your created therapy animals on your shoulders when you sort books or whatever."

Istredd mostly is correct that in a few weeks, not long after the Summoned meet-up, he'll be past the grief. It will never feel good and he'll have moments of sadness, but as long as Yennefer and Triss are alive, it could be a lot worse.

When Istredd goes into his Horizon though, he finds out quickly that the tower on the outside is on fire and there is nothing he can do to stop it. It's not on fire in the inside, where the books are, so in the end, after trying for almost an hour to stop it, he gives up. His unconscious mind is still seeing fire everywhere. The lighthouse comes from necessity.

The elves created secret passages everywhere

careful what you ask for, Istredd

found a little error while re-reading

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

We can wrap here! We can write out the making mental walls thing if you want or notttt

October Kool-Aid Man