abraxaslogs | ( catch-all ) the more that i see myself

[ A part of her knows that Altaïr is trying to give him reassurance. It’s a sweet gesture and might have worked on someone that actually wanted to be acknowledged for their fighting skills or prowess like Petra. But Hilda was definitely not her friend who was actually a warrior princess by birthright. Instead of finding comfort it sits uncomfortably on her skin.

Sitting here and dissecting the reasons behind why she feels that way isn’t something she wants to do even when she isn’t confined to bed rest. But deep down she knows that the discomfort has less to do with the prospect of her dying and more to do with her deep rooted fear of letting someone so incredibly important to her down. And if she died defending a bridge for Claude then that meant she had failed him.

It would be easy to wallow in the negative thoughts but Altaïr’s confidence in her ability to wriggle out of things sparks the smallest lift of her lips. ]

Wait, was that a compliment from Mr. Stoic himself? [ The levity lingers only for a moment. ] Even if that is true, it wasn’t true for that battle. And I know dying in battle is…normal. Those things happen in war and it’s just a part of life. But [ She hesitates. ] I’m not even sure that that’s what I’m the most afraid of.

[He'll allow her the gentle jibe at him. Just this once.]

Yes. They do happen.

[Is it unavoidable? War, mankind's willingness to cut one another down? For all the war he's seen, he can't say. All Altaïr knows for certain is that the death and suffering war brings should never be taken in stride. And also, that any timeline would be worse for Hilda exiting it.]

What is it that you fear?

[ Her fear lodges in her throat like a barb at his question. What doesn't she fear? It's a lot to unpack and while she's had nothing but time to be able to do that it still feels like there's more to it than simply the expectations that Claude had laid on her shoulders. But not only that, it was also the responsibility, the trust that he had given her. Surely he would have known that she would have retreated if she saw a losing battle. Her sense of self-preservation was notorious, a skill that she had honed from an early age. Knowing when to call it quits when she knew that something was going poorly (never mind that she often called it quits before she even began), was something few of their friends could compete with.

But how did she say all of that to someone who she's never really expressed any of that to before because the core of their relationship had always been her bothering him in the way a little sister would? ]

...Letting them down. Letting anyone that I care about down.

[ She had defended the bridge and failed because their last hold out had been captured. It's a small solace that Claude lived on in that timeline so if she looked at it that way it was a success. Nothing mattered more than Claude surviving the bloody task they had undertaken. Nothing it seemed, including her own life. ]

[He doesn't mind the pause before she speaks again. It's a weighty enough question that he more than understands the need to collect oneself. And when Hilda does answer, he's not all that surprised by what she says.]

That's one of the most reasonable fears I can think of. Even the most skilled of people are capable of that.

[Which is...maybe not the most helpful thing he could say...]

But knowing that is your fear. Consciously seeking to do otherwise...that makes all the difference in the world. And I have a difficult time imagining your fear becoming a reality.

[ She seems to share a similar thought to his that what he says at first isn't particularly helpful. In fact she has the strongest urge to give him the fiercest of side eyes - until he follows it up with something far sweeter than she ever would have expected to come out of his mouth.

There's no time for her to hide the surprise on her face because processing this odd turn of events is the last thing she would have expected today. Reassurance has always been a tough pill to swallow; no amount of it could rid her of the anxiety that scuttled underneath her skin. It takes her another moment to collect herself - mostly because of the sudden appearance of a lump in her throat. ]

I died doing something Claude asked me to do. [ Her previous thoughts manage to force their way through. ] Isn't that a failure?

I don't see Claude tasking you with something dangerous for no reason. If you died in this other reality, that means you gave everything you could attempting to do something important.

[He doesn't know the details, doesn't know how it happened, doesn't know what came next. But he speaks with absolute conviction.]

No one, no matter how brave or strong or skilled, can offer more than a life. It's simply not possible. And it's somethign to be respected and honored, whatever the outcome.

[ A life being a noble thing to give - she can't dispute that fact. But she didn't want to give her life for anyone. She's a selfish little creature, greedy and desperate to cling onto life doing whatever she wanted until the day she slipped away peacefully in her sleep.

To give her life, something she cherished more than any amount of jewels and gems, for someone's ideals or freedom, or Claude - so much of that still doesn't sound like the person she believes herself to be even after all of these months of sitting with that reality. Her shoulder slump. ]

Some version of me gave her all, you mean.

If you have a connection to that other version of you, then you know that you are capable of doing everything you could until you no longer could, and deserve some of that credit. If you do not, then you are also not bound by her mistakes, and still have every opportunity to overcome future trials.

[He understands what she's getting at. He does. But he also has the luxury of a different perspective.]

I know what it is like to make grave errors that cost others everything. I also know that such errors aren't the full measure of a person, and they don't mean a person can't rise above them.

[ After hearing from Petra that she had died, and having it confirmed by Lindhardt, Hilda hadn't bothered to wonder if there was a version of that where she had somehow made it out alive. But if she had somehow made it out alive, did that mean Claude did too?

A hollowness rings through her at the thought of living any sort of timeline where he wasn't alive and well. Claude could be unbelievably stupid at times, but he had as much determination and drive to stay alive in order to see his dreams come true as she did self-preservation. Her eyes rise to meet his. ]

Did something happen to you at home?

[Altaïr is quiet for a few moments before answering. Even now, after he's done it a few times, he's not accustomed to revealing much of himself. But Hilda has done it already, made herself vulnerable — he can do the same. If he can't trust her with that much, then who?]

It would be more accurate to say that I happened to others.

[Not the men he killed, not the nine Templars or the men who served them. He holds no regrets about their deaths. But others...]

The shorter version of the story is that two of my brothers and I were sent to accomplish a task. Because of my actions that day, one of them died and the other was permanently maimed.

[ He's been patient with her thus far - it's only right that she offers him the same in return. It's difficult for her not to wonder however if he'll say anything at all. Altaïr isn't her most chatty companion. Most of her prattling on end probably annoyed him to no ned, but he hadn't yet told her to buzz off. She wouldn't have blamed him in the least if this is where he drew the line.

But then, remarkably, he does. ]

...But it wasn't like you did that on purpose. [ There's a pause as she searches his face. ] Right?

I didn't intend to fail, no. But I was reckless. I broke our creed several times over.

[He wonders how well she could understand the depth of his failure, even if he explained the tenets of the creed in detail. It's one thing to hear they are important; another to know what they mean, and what his betrayal of them meant.]

I wasn't the one to put my blade to them, but the failure was entirely mine. It took some time for me to accept that.

[ With no context for what sort of creed Altaïr might have made, she can only vaguely assume that it's similar to that of a knight's code. The milage on those seemed to vary depending on the person and their character, but with knowing what she knows about Altaïr and his character - it probably isn't something to take lightly. Especially if he's confessing as much to her now. ]

[ Briefly she worries her bottom lip. ]

As in you didn't believe that it was your fault at first? Or the guilt stayed with you?

[That she probes further shouldn't be surprising, but it is more discomfiting than Altaïr would have imagined. He'd come to terms with his culpability and unnecessary pride, freely admitted it to Malik, but difficult as it was to do so, Malik had been close to the situation from the beginning. This is different.]

Part of me knew all along that I was to blame, but I didn't allow myself to acknowledge it for a long time. When I did, I was able to start to make amends, and I was able to grow — to become something better than wallowing in guilt and denial would have allowed.

[ Hilda falls silent as she absorbs everything Altaïr tells her. It doesn't escape her that this is probably not the easiest thing to recount for anyone including herself. Admitting to fault, confessing guilt, both are tough to swallow for even the most humble of persons. So often it was easier to do like Altaïr said: live in blissful denial. ]

Did something change to make you start thinking about it?

[ Those sorts of things weren't usually just out of the blue, at least not in her experience. Apologizing and owning up to something she had done wrong felt like pulling teeth rotted teeth out of a wyvern at times: difficult and unpleasant. ]

If it had been up to me, I wouldn't have even tried. But the task I was given next forced me to do so.

[His expression settles into a rueful smile. Perhaps that had been Al Mualim's intention, perhaps not. It could have been that his master only wanted to get him thinking just enough to be a more effective killer, but not to truly question him.]

It was that or face my own death. And it changed the course of my life.

I thought you would be thinking deep thoughts all the time.

[ There's some levity to her voice when she says that - mostly to match his rueful smile. Neither is enough to completely derail or detract from the seriousness of this conversation or imply that she's taking this lightly. Quite the opposite in fact.

Hilda preferred to pretend that she did no wrong either. She plastered her negative traits and thoughts in flowers and jewels, sparkly things to distract others and herself from them. ]

That must have been some task to get you to think about what you'd done. Although...I can't really think of anything that would be worse than going through what you experienced.

[ After a moment she reaches out a hand, lightly placing hers atop of his for a brief moment. ]

It might be silly to say it when it's been so long but, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, Altaïr. [ She hesitates. ] And if it means anything, I'm glad that you're the person you are here.

[He can't help but smile at that, despite the seriousness of their discussion. She's one of the few who can prompt that, more easily than she thinks.

He's grateful when she doesn't ask the nature of his task. Just now, he doesn't want to show her the blood on his hands.]

It isn't silly.

[He turns his hand over, taking hers in his before letting go.]

I wouldn't have chosen it, but I don't regret what I've experience here. And I am glad that in this reality, you are alive and here with us.

[ She doesn't expect him to take a hold of her hand. In fact, it takes her by surprise and her eyes widen slightly at the touch, however brief.

A lump forms in her throat and she has to swallow it down in an attempt not to tear up. Some of that has to do with the fact that it's Altaïr sitting here with her and some of it has to do with the fact that if asked, she wouldn't be able to explain why she suddenly became misty eyed at an innocent touch and kind words. Unfortunately, she isn't successful.

It takes her a minute to collect herself. When she finally does speak, she has to sniffle a little, her voice thick. ]

Are you getting soft on me, Altaïr?

No. Never.

[His smile fades into something more neutral, his tone grows a little less warm. He seems more like the Altaïr people see on an average day.

Hilda can probably see more.]

[ She can - which is perhaps a surprise even for her. There's a lingering warmth there that feels like the sun on her skin as it sets on the desert. ]

That's what I thought.

[ Even through her sniffling however, he'll be able to pick up the telltale sound of laughter in her voice. She gives his hand one last brief squeeze before pulling herself together. ]

Will you stay for lunch? Sylvain is making something really yummy if the smells from the kitchen is any indication.

[ It's clear from the look she gives him that she hopes he will. ]

[As long as the laughter stays inside and she doesn't correct him, he can live with that.

They both know the truth, really.]

Yes. I'd like that.

[A meal with friends. It means more to him than she'd guess. Or maybe...she would.]

( catch-all ) the more that i see myself

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wrap? 🎀

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