❂ open!

[thoughts]

Who: river & you!!
When: over the first week of december!
Where: nocwich and castle thorne
What: exploring nocwich for that good cross-faction CR and then a week later when river's canon powers return with a suckerpunch
Warnings: possible mentions of human experimentation, torture, and child abuse. there are content warnings for canon themes and an opt-in/opt-out post for her psychic abilities over here, please check it out!

☾ backdated - nocwich

[ being new to abraxas - alarmed and terrified at being stolen away, having spent the first day traversing castle thorne in a daze as she tried to accept the reality of this world - there is no small amount of trepidation as she steps through the portal to nocwich. as far as the theoretical physics of it all, a portal is more outlandish than teleportation, which makes more sense from a logistical standpoint. although she's not a fan of the molecular deconstruction of her body just to be reassembled elsewhere, so maybe a magic portal won't be so bad...

anyone by the castle thorne portal might hear her mumbling about this for a long while before she finally takes a deep breath and steps through.

more than the notion of magic being real how is magic real, river's main curiosity is the fact of being allowed to go to nocwich at all. she isn't used to her captors being willing to let them leave, even if it's on a tight leash. nowhere close to freedom, but it falls to the back of her mind the moment she finds herself in the bright and lively nature of oleuni square.

with no money to spend and no inclination to buy anything in the first place, river spends her time just wandering around looking at everything with eyes the size of saucers. with a staunch lack of propriety, she'll pick up anything she's curious about and may or may not put it back where it belongs. she watches the performances on stage with rapt attention, stares a little too long at any non-human folks walking about, and otherwise seems to float about in a happy daze as she wanders alone through the streets.

might be best she's not left unattended for too long, lest she overstay her welcome and disturb the locals. ]

☉ current date - castle thorne

[ despite her early misgivings and intense mistrust of those what brought them to this world against their will, there is so much about the castle that excites the childlike wonder that encompasses river in her entirety. it's stunningly beautiful, and she spends a lot of time aimlessly wandering around ( generally barefoot ) as she takes in the architecture, hangs out in the gardens, and puts her fingers all over anything that even remotely looks magical.

more often than not, it looks like she's having fun. she might get shy or suspicious when people approach her, especially any of the thornean mages, but she does well enough to explore with a brightness to her features.

in many ways, it's a blessing of her eyes being closed, her mind shut to the influx of noise and chaos that ordinarily floods her senses. river knew better than to hope the silence might stay forever, but it still catches her by surprise when the moment comes during breakfast on her eighth day. like a tidal wave crashing over her, the thoughts and emotions and worries and fears and secrets and everythingeverything around her overloads her senses.

anyone in the dining hall might hear a loud scream and the clatter of dishes as river flings herself out and away from the table. she winds up on the floor, eyes wide and shaking like a leaf in the wind, ready to be blown away by the slightest breeze. she rambles in distress, seemingly without seeing anyone in front of her even as she sees everything. ]

No, no no no. No! You can't - you can't be here, you can't! Qǐng shàngdì liánmǐn - stay away!

[ tears in her eyes and screams in her ears, river may be hard to console as she tries and fails to fight back the rising tide of panic. let's just hope nothing sharp or pointy finds its way into her shaking hands... ]

[ ooc: as a reminder, hover over any chinese text for a translate, and please hop on over to her opt-in/opt-out post to let me know how you'd like me to play her psychic abilities around your character. feel free to reach out to me at ragemarshmallow on discord or varooooom if you want to plot anything out! 💚 ]

Comments

[diametrically]

[ All of his attention is solely focused on River and he sees everything - that flinch as he closes the spaces between them and the brush of her fingers against a fork on the floor. His mind is already working out how to dodge a wayward stab of a fork. Wryly he can't help but think he's been attacked with worse. A fork would hurt - particularly if she went for his eyes - but he can't fault her. There's a fighting spirit in her, a viciousness that lurks beneath the tears and the whimsy. It's good to have that fight. He'd approve if the circumstances weren't so tense. 

As he tries to make sense of River's words he wonders again what those big eyes of hers see. If she's talking about the Empire then she's right. They aren't here. At least not that he's aware. It unsettles him to know that people here have access to others' minds. Sets his paranoid nerves alight. There's plenty in his that he doesn't share. Plenty that he doesn't think about for fear of it pulling him to darker places he doesn't want to go. All of this leaves him with more questions than answers but this isn't about him. This is about River.

And if she can see into his mind, he does what he can to clear the chaos, the jumble, the mess of Kenari, the Empire, Ferrix, and loss from his mind, at least for now. ] 

Cassian Jeron Andor. 

[ It's also not entirely the truth. But he hasn't gone by his other name in years. Hasn't been called Kassa by anyone since the day he'd left Kenari. If she can see, hear, whatever it is she's doing, he hopes she'll understand why he doesn't give that name. It's painful to think about, let alone say aloud. Slowly he extends his hand out towards her for her to take, touch, stab it with that fork (but he hopes that it definitely isn't that last one) or whatever it is she wanted to do to it.] 

I'm real. I promise. 

[thoughts]

[ he's right to be unsettled because that's what she is: unsettling. unsettled. she's caught in a whirlwind with nothing to tether her to the earth, nothing to hold her down. normally it would be simon coming to her rescue, time and again, holding her close every time she starts to fade away.

but he's not here either. no simon, no serenity, no liánméng.

right now, it's just river and cassian. cassian jeron andor. she focuses on that and tries not to look deeper, tries not to let the rest of the chaos cloud her mind when she's trying so hard not to float away.

as he offers his hand, river keeps hers close to the fork and reaches for him with the other one. she touches his palm with cold, shaky fingers; he feels solid, warm, steady. he says he's real and she wants to believe him, but... ]

Am I real?

[ it's more of a whisper, a quiet sob. ]

Sometimes I don't know. I thought I was. Here, I - my feet touched the ground and I could see the sky. For the first time, it was quiet, and I could almost be like a real girl.

[ she draws both hands to her chest as she tucks into a ball, pulling away from the fork and away from alyx - away from cassian - as she cries. ]

But the chaos comes home and I don't know anymore. I don't know who you are. I don't know who I am. It all feels like a dream.

[ or a nightmare. ]

[diametrically]

[ River's faint touch to his palm sparks a hope in him that he hadn't expected before it's quickly dashed against the rocks of her despairing question.

There is more to her than meets the eye, more so than he had initially realized when he had stumbled across her shivering and terrified in that pond. He's always had a penchant for words when it suited him, but none of those feel right. This is more than just honeyed words can fix. Visceral fear of something that had plagued her for who knows how long rolls off of her, permeates her cries that feel like shots to his heart.

This time when she pulls away, he follows, clearing the cutlery as he goes before sliding up beside her against the wall. Gently, he reaches out to tug her into his side if she'll allow it. His arm stays lightly around her shoulder wanting to respect her space, wanting to give her room to breathe, but he remains, allowing the weight of her to lean on him if she needs it.

Cassian can't begin to imagine what she's gone through or what she's dealing with, but he understands what it feels like to feel lost. Adrift. Untethered. Maybe he's projecting. Maybe his loss at what to do shines through. But he hopes that he can at least get across that he's here for her. After a moment he lets out a breath, his voice weighed down with understanding. ]

It does feel like a dream, doesn't it? All this magic, this other galaxy, people from other galaxies. None of this should be real or possible, but it is.

[ The casual displays of magic at the Summoned gathering. The hum of something intangible in the air. The clothes that warmed their frigid bones. ]

We don't have to know. There's plenty I don't. But we can figure it out together. [ It's a nod to lighter times, days prior at the party when she had said as much to him. Even if it was in jest, he believes it. ] I can try to help, if you'll let me.

yesss i love,,,

[thoughts]

[ when he sits beside her and opens his arms, there's no resistance; river falls heavily against him as she sobs. he said it well - none of this should be real or possible, but somehow she's supposed to accept that it is.

for years, river lived in a world of monsters, hand-drawn by the alliance's finest scientists and injected directly into her brain. the scars from that will remain forever, the pieces of river tam that can't be fixed. simon tried - is trying - was trying, before river was stolen away and wound up here instead.

untethered. adrift. lost without her anchor, in a magical world where galaxies collide. it's impossible.

but cassian is here. solid, steady. a beating heart, contracting lungs. river doesn't have a way to stop the rush of his thoughts crashing through her mind in a confusing blur, a stream of memories and emotions that pass too quickly for her to comprehend. yet it's all the proof of a life lived, evidence that cassian jeron andor exists.

a helper. a knight. a thief and a theft. he offers to help and river knows he has been this whole time, even if he did it as 'alyx.' she has to figure out how to accept that it's all real - and he says she doesn't have to do it alone.

like partners in crime - 'we can figure it out together.'

river turns her face against cassian's shoulder and weeps. ]

I didn't know who I could trust. [ he said it well ] It can't be me. She's a liar. It's all nonsense - nonsensical. Simon would tell me, helps me understand what is and isn't. But he's not -

[ here. he's not the one here. cassian is. he's been with her since the very beginning.

still crying, her face a mess of tears and confusion, river pulls back to catch his eyes, frantically looking for the truth or the lie. ]

Alyx. Cassian. Can I trust you?

[ she doesn't, might not even be fully capable of it, but can she at least try? if she can find a way to believe in him, maybe the rest will come too someday. ]

[diametrically]

[ As River leans her weight into him, soaking the fabric of his robe, the fracture in his heart fissures a little more. Cassian's calloused fingers curl around her shoulder drawing her close, paying no mind to the eyes that are still staring at them curiously.

A name passes her lips that he hasn't heard before. Simon. Someone important to her, if he has to guess, which makes all of this more tragic. There's no part of him that believes these people should have brought them here. But if they were so insistent, so arrogant, they shouldn't have brought River without Simon. Resentment coils in his stomach.

River's tear filled eyes draw him in, her question making his heart unexpectedly clench. Over the years countless people he held dear had asked him that in so many different ways. Could they trust him to cover for them? For him to pay back his debts? Could they trust him to be there for them and not leave? To come home, alive? An image of Bix, broken and shattered telling him that she dreamt he had come back flashes briefly through his mind. It's followed by the distant, stormy eyes of friends that he swore he'd find before sending them off to Gangi Moon. And finally the ghost of Kerri, expecting him, trusting him to return, stares at him, always just out the corner of his eye.

Would they still trust him now even though he had failed them countless times before?

The weight of that responsibility could be crippling. It had in the past. It could very well again here in a galaxy that isn't his own without a ways to return. But just as he knew he'd shoulder it then, he would do the same now. But not only that - River deserved to be able to trust herself too. Gently he reaches out to wipe some of those tears away from her cheek. ]

I lied to you about what my name was. If that takes time for you to forgive me, that's okay. Trust takes time to build, River, whether that's trust in me or in yourself. But I'm willing to be there. To be patient. [ His lips quirk. ] I wouldn't make a very good partner in crime otherwise, would I?

[thoughts]

[ she feels the powerful dichotomy of cassian's inner turmoil and the warmth of his hand on her cheek, steady and solid, and river can't help but laugh. it's a little bit manic and more like a sob, but he calls her back to a game they played that felt so much simpler in the silence. now, she can see his ghosts and hears the voices of everyone around them without anyone saying a word.

it's not right. not the way it should be. 'you know, you ain't quite right.' truer words had never been spoken. ]

Not sure if the contract is still valid. Didn't disclose a major liability. She's b-broken.

[ people have been so kind and patient with her in abraxas and she's doesn't know why. but it doesn't seem like he's lying, and for that single moment, she doesn't hate her mind-reading abilities for giving her space to take the first step. ]

You don't have to. It's not your responsibility. Not your albatross - she'll only bring trouble.

[diametrically]

[ For what it's worth, he doesn't seem the least bit concerned by her warning or for the thing that she had apparently neglected to tell him. He almost sounds flippant, nonchalant about it all. ]

We can draft a new one. Contracts get broken and new ones are made all the time. 

[ Never make a contract that's binding. Even the deal he'd brokered with Luthen had been one that he could have wormed his way out of at any point - at least that's what he told himself. He had no real way of Aldhani that wasn't the ship he had been hired to pilot but he was resourceful. He could have figured it out, just like he had all those other times in the past. Aldhani, Narkina 5 - all of that feels a lifetime ago now however and he gently puts away the memories back into their dust covered box where they belong. ] 

I don't know what an albatross is but what if I told you that I bring just as much trouble? [ His lips rise slightly at the corners, intended to be reassuring. ] Partners deal with trouble together. We can figure that out when we get to it. 

[thoughts]

[ his response is easy and kind, could almost be humorous if it weren't for the things buried deep beneath his shiny words. river stares at him in silence for a long moment before she sniffles and lowers her head. ]

I know why you lied. I get it. You're afraid.

[ might not be the word he'd use for it, but she can see it. the empire's waving flags, the people they've hurt or disappeared, the worlds that have been crushed beneath their boots. he runs so very fast to stay ahead but there are monsters trailing right behind him.

she gets it. they're afraid of getting caught. there's a deep fear and desperation when she looks up at him again. ]

I am too. They're - they're not supposed to be here but you can't know for sure. They come in twos. Two by two, hands of blue.

[ another sob escapes her as she starts crying again. ]

They'll never stop looking. What if they come here too? I don't want your eyes to bleed.

[ people will die screaming if the alliance ever finds her again. she's afraid - for everyone around her. ]

[diametrically]

[ River labelling his decision to use a false identity as fear stills him. He wonders how much of his mind can she see into, because what else could it be but that? For her to pluck his name from thin air like he's some sort of open book. For her to understand that the source of his paranoia, all of his years of layered anger, hatred, and distaste of injustice, all stems from fear of a relentless, uncaring beast whose hunger could never be sated? 

Another thought rises to the surface as her gaze rises to meet his: that he would take care of her. This young girl with a penchant for reading books about theoretical physics and calculus, with a childlike wonder for this new world and its magic so bright that it seemed to blot out any other worry she might have. ] 

I am afraid. 

[ Of bleeding eyes, of unseen things in the dark that crippled River with so much fear, of never seeing his loved ones again. He reaches out again to brush more of those tears streaking down her cheeks. ] 

But we can't let them control us like that. That's how they win. It's how they make it seem like the only way out is by never fighting back. [ Quiet conviction swells in his voice. ] You're stronger than that, River.

[thoughts]

[ she closes her eyes, trying to let the warmth of his hands and gentle encouragement wash over her. it's hard when she can't stop hearing things, can't stop seeing things that aren't hers to see.

he says 'we can't let them control us' and river almost wants to laugh or start bawling again, because that's what she was designed for. to be controlled, used to serve the alliance's mission. it's woven through her bones, the depth of the control they exert over humanity as though it's their god-given right. ]

I don't think I am.

[ it's a quiet admission, tears still stubbornly rolling down her face even as he tries to help push the sadness away. river sniffles and looks at him with an exhaustion that can't be expressed in words. ]

But I want to be. I'll do my best.

[ 'i'll get better.' she'll try. she doesn't want it be like this forever.

with a stuttering inhale, she puts her head back on his shoulder and whispers: ]

Duìbùqǐ, xièxiè nǐ, Cassian.

[ he might recognize at least one part of the phrase from their brief lessons in chinese: thank you. ]

🎀!

[diametrically]

[ Even if she can't express her exhaustion, he understands with that one look how she feels. They've both been running, fighting, these unseen forces for so long that it's ingrained so deeply into their bones that it's all they know. No matter where they are, survival is all they understand. And that goes hand in hand with the fear that they can't dig out of their skin.

When River's head meets his shoulder again, he rests his head comfortingly atop it. Even if she can't see it, her whispered "thank you" makes the corners of his lips lift sadly. It hardly feels like something she should be thanking him for because he doesn't feel like he's done anything at all. He can't shield her from the thoughts that plague her mind. All he can do is try.

Silently he reaches out, threading their fingers together and squeezing them tight. A beat later he offers up another response she had taught him, quietly with the inexperience of someone unfamiliar with the language but no less sincere - ]

Méi guān xi.