abraxaslogs | [ CLOSED ] into an ocean

Claude.

[ Said with the same patiently exasperated tone as he lets his face be cupped. There’s a glint of subdued humor in his amber gaze as he meets bright green. ]

You can’t actually stop me.

[ Which… is true enough, but probably not what he wanted to hear in response to that. ]

Look. You’re important to me. And here… we’re all each other has here - you, me. Hilda, too. If you think for a moment I’m going to sit back comfortably and watch while either of you ventures into something risky or dangerous… you’re definitely not as smart as your reputation makes you out to be.

Besides. Are you honestly going to stand there and say that you wouldn’t do the same if our positions were reversed?

[ Maybe that’s his Faerghan naïveté, but Claude’s actions up until now had spoken otherwise, too. ]

I think you vastly underestimate my affinity for self-preservation.

[ It's said carelessly, as if it's really that simple and not tied up into any further number of things - and as if it's not the truth in many ways. Ones Sylvain hasn't exactly seen beyond flashes and hints of it here and there like in a sharp rock edge against his throat and the later admission that perhaps his childhood had been a bit dangerous. He doesn't mean it callously to that sentiment he's being offered sincerely; it's simply that Claude also feels there's more behind it than that alone.

If the crease before had been a sign Claude was contemplating something, it becomes an outright furrow with more of what Sylvain's said and he drops his hand to rest on the other man's shoulder instead while studying him. It's not as though he disagrees with what's said when there's plenty of truth there which can't be refuted, but it's what's beneath it which Sylvain isn't saying as if it'll go unnoticed. As if it's not something he would piece together over all this time spent in each other's company through terrible things and far better ones. ]

You're important to me, too, which is exactly why I don't want you to feel like you have to take on something that hurts you for someone else's sake. [ There's an obvious example there in conversations that've been had when it comes to Sylvain shouldering something painful, an injustice - but Claude doesn't feel he has to voice it aloud for the other smaller pieces of it threaded through everything else to be equally apparent. ] I don't want that for you even if I can't top you from doing it. And I won't ever think less of you for it, either.

I don’t underestimate that at all.

[ Claude has different responsibilities resting on his shoulders than Sylvain does. Always has. As far as Sylvain knows, he was raised with the weight of ruling on his young shoulders. The Duke of the Alliance was a big position, after all, even if he came to it late. But Sylvain had watched how it had shaped Dimitri all his life. He knew what that did to a person.

And while Sylvain had his own weight to carry, it had been different. With different expectations. And always, that loyalty to serve and protect his liege had been instilled in him, far more vital than his own life.

At home, that had been Dimitri, because he was the Prince. Because they were friends. Here…

Here, that loyalty had transferred to Claude. But it wasn’t because he was the Duke. It was for far deeper reasons that Sylvain wasn’t very comfortable shining a light on. But it didn’t change the truth of it. Even if he was evasive - reluctant - about putting it into words. ]

I just think… sometimes there are things more important than yourself worth protecting.

[ It's an aching sort of affection which surges through him at what Sylvain says. The sort of kind which comes still with a tinge of disbelief to it from his self from mere years ago who couldn't and wouldn't have believed it was possible. Not in that loneliness he'd resigned himself to by focusing on other things until he'd convinced himself it no longer mattered until others had broken that damn wide open; it's the sort of thing Claude believes he's caught glimpses of in Sylvain though they were there and gone as quick as light flashes reflecting off a mirror.

All the more reason for him to now bring both hands to the other man's face with some of that dismay softening and their surroundings around them on this street forgotten as he chooses his next words very deliberately. ]

That statement doesn't go only one way, Sylvain.

[ Unknowingly, or maybe because of it, Claude skims the same fine line as Sylvain yet again when it comes to stating another truth without voicing the whole of it: why don't you believe that about yourself?

But this will do in how it more or less says the same - that Sylvain is valuable to him, and not as a possession or in any sense they might joke about when it came to chess euphemisms or anything else playful but something far more than that. That he wouldn't ask Sylvain to do this or expect it because there might come a time when the price for that protection the other man was so willing to step into might be too high for them both, and the reality of it laid bare there in one sentence is enough to bring apprehension of a loss too great to shoulder creeping forth. ]

[ Sylvain just ducks his head because he knows it’s not supposed to go both ways. But it’s nice to have a quiet confirmation - if not in so many words - that he’d been right about Claude doing the same if their positions were reversed. Even though Claude’s the more important one here, the one who can do the most good for everyone. Sylvain wouldn’t doubt the other man would do it for Hilda, because she was important to him, too, but Sylvain’s still…

He shies away from that, bringing his hands up to cup over Claude’s. ]

I’m not saying it does. I just meant, I didn’t think you’d hesitate to do the same if it were for me. So don’t get upset with me for doing the same for you. Because I’m not going to stop, Claude. That place was a danger for both of us. If you needed to go back - for curiosity or closure or whatever it was - then I wasn’t going to let you go alone. At least this way, you had someone watching your back.

[ There's a lot hiding in those few sentences, he's sure of it. They all be confirm what he'd suspected whether Sylvain realizes the full gravity of that or not, though this time Claude prevents the frown from returning. It won't help. That much he's figured out, that it'll only serve to have Sylvain point back to this.

But that's just his tendency to want to grab onto a point and not let go of it until it feels finished, Claude knows, and what the other man's said isn't untrue: even with all of his ways to avoid something that'll cut bone deep, he wouldn't leave Sylvain to shoulder it himself. He wouldn't leave Hilda to do that either. Not the Deer, either, even if at one point that feels a lifetime ago it might've been different. It isn't now, though.

The temptation is there to roll his eyes skyward, mutter something about Faerghans, and let it end there. Maybe that's what Sylvain's expecting to have happen when it's something he's employed enough and that realization is enough to chafe. All his own doing if so, and he thinks about that for a moment while moving a thumb across the other man's cheek. ]

Then maybe you can let me do the same for you since that's only fair, because there should be someone watching your back too, right? Not just about the island either since I mean for more than that. And, [ with a humorless smile, ] I could be better about that, too. Maybe we could work on that together.

[ His gaze flits back to Claude’s face at that response, at the slide of that thumb against his cheek. He leans into the touch without even thinking about it, even as his lips quirk into a rueful semblance of a smile.

He doesn’t have to point out to Claude that things are rarely fair - he’s pretty sure the other man knows it better than he does. ]

If that’s what makes you happy.

[ It’s not a no. Even if Claude is the more important of them in things here. Or anywhere, for that matter. But Sylvain doesn’t fight him on it. Though he does try to divert it, uncomfortable under the weight of Claude’s knowing gaze.

He’s right - Sylvain is far too Faerghan to ever let those instincts go easily. ]

Besides. Out of the two of us, you’re the one far more likely to get new holes in you, remember. I’m not the high maintenance once here.

[ But before he can completely brush it off with a laugh or a teasing comment, he catches Claude’s hand against his cheek, holding it there a moment before leaning in to steal a brief kiss. Meeting Claude’s gaze as he pulls back again, he adds, ]

I do appreciate it, though. Knowing I have you to watch my back in turn.

[ That certainly doesn't sound like acceptance of something offered equally so much as it does resignation to - something Claude can't begin to guess or rather that what he does doesn't fit with... whatever this is. Something he thought was being established further between them both what with not being able to prevent Sylvain's noble heart from doing what's right no matter how much the other man might insist he possesses no such heart.

It's tempting to sigh but that doesn't feel like the right reaction either, and not just because he knows some part of Sylvain will latch onto it like it's the only thing he deserves. It'd be too convenient to give him that out, yet another reaction which will be twisted into the truth that he's not worth this. And that causes something to twist somewhere in Claude's chest with a sharpness, and one he wills away when a familiar hand comes to rest and equally familiar lips are on his own for a kiss he returns. He could shut his eyes even as short as it is, but Claude doesn't look away so that he's ready when Sylvain looks at him again. ]

You deserve that much and then some.

[ The time to press it further has passed - for now, since this is filed away for later when it absolutely will come up again. Just maybe not when they're standing in the middle of the street since a shout from two friends greeting each other on the other side of it pulls him back to reality, and now Sylvain gets the playful eye roll he was probably expecting to surface at some point as Claude drops his hand away from the other man's face to take Sylvain's hand in his and to tug him forward to fall into step again. ]

And you can point out my supposed propensity for getting new holes all you want, but I think it probably loses some of the effectiveness when you're agreeing you'll get just as many, doesn't it? Maybe we can put a limit on it to earrings alone or things only that size, at which point I will point out a scorpion's sting counts as the same.

Earrings don’t poison you however, so scorpions are disqualified.

[ Said with the utmost exasperation as he twines their fingers together and falls into step beside Claude again. They still had work to do here, after all, as much as both of them dreaded the grimness of this news to deliver. ]

Besides. What if I wanna pierce more than just my ears, hmm? What then? [ He tosses that possibility out there with a sassy little smirk and a playful wink shot in Claude's direction. ]

Does that not fall under things only that size? C'mon, Gautier, keep up.

[ That's said just as cheerfully as any other time he's told Sylvain the same thing in whatever convoluted loops he's spinning. This doesn't exactly count, but it's more familiar teasing to run with as he squeezes the fingers in his while they walk. ]

Unless you're wanting to wait for the horse sized scorpion to work on that next piercing? In which case we could always go back out to the desert and finally look for it, especially since someone thoughtful I know gifted me some rather fetching armor so I'll be extra prepared for all kinds of adventures.

[ He's not even a little sorry for hypothetically stressing out Sylvain with the very possibility. ]

[ Sylvain just groans with a dramatic roll of his eyes, as if dealing with Claude and his arguments are the most tiresome thing. Even when he knows it’s usually his that tend to circle around a topic far more and with far less logic to them. Then again, that was the point. ]

Seriously, I’m buying restraints for your next birthday and leaving you tied to my bed and safely out of trouble.

[ Hey, that wasn’t a bad idea, actually. Claude might want to start getting worried about the intrigued gleam that shows up in Sylvain’s gaze a moment later. ]

You're saying that like it's supposed to be a threat but it sounds a lot more like a promise.

[ There's something between an amusement and a smirk taking place on his face right now; he knows Sylvain meant it exactly as both. All the better to spur that on as much as he can, really. Even more so when he turns to look at the other man and sees that little glimmer of A Thought occurring to him. ]

But in that case, you'd better let me pick them out if they're going to be my present. I think that's only fair.

Nope, I don’t trust you not to cheat.

[ Then again, Sylvan accuses Claude of cheating at least five times a week - which, to be fair, he probably does. ]

And who picks out their own birthday present? No one, that’s who.

[ He tsk’s his tongue as he shakes his head and drapes an arm around Claude’s shoulders comfortably as he starts tugging him down the street once more. Although he falls quiet in thought at that.

Birthdays have been on his mind anyway, with it being winter. It’s not easy to match up the calendar to the one he knows back home, but Dimitri, Felix, and Ingrid’s birthdays all fall during the coldest months of the year. He spares a quiet moment, something melancholy in his gaze before he pushes it away again. ]

It’s hard to believe we’re into a new year already. That you and I will be having another birthday here in a few months, even though that’s still quite a while away.

What exactly would I be cheating with there? [ Maybe he should feel something besides amusement that this is where Sylvain goes first, but instead that's all he's got while puzzling that out. He can't argue with the gift recipient not picking their own gift - or could, but decides it's not worth it - so this is what he focuses on instead. ] Picking some set of handcuffs with a key secretly hidden in the bands? A fabric that won't stay tied? Maybe I should be paying closer attention in Nocwich's shops.

[ Much to ponder. As he does he leans into Sylvain's side while they walk, though his mind returns again to the letter waiting to be delivered. There's only so long he can avoid thinking about the bleak news they'll bring to yet someone else, and the moment for it is growing closer with every step they're taking.

It could be better to get it over with, he thinks. Claude's about to say as much when Sylvain speaks up again with another thought that's grown louder in the back of his mind each time he's looked at the calendar, and he tilts his head back to peer up at the other man. ]

You sound excited to continue being the oldest one of the three of us. But I know what you mean since it won't be that much longer before I'll have been here two years, then the same for you, and then Hilda basically right after that. It's certainly been a time.

[ He has a feeling there's something else behind what Sylvain's saying, but it'll take a few more clues before figuring out what it is. ]

I’m pretty sure you already know how to pick the locks on handcuffs anyway. That seems like a skill you’d have.

[ He’d asked Ashe to teach him once, actually, out of curiosity, but his fingers are too big for delicate work like that. He could never get it quite right.

He makes a face at being reminded he’s still the eldest, but it’s more out of habit than anything. He’s always been the eldest, after all, this is nothing new. Actually, having Claude closer in age now is far stranger.

Shaking his head, he kicks absently at a rock, his gaze distant. ] Hard to believe. On one hand, it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. But on the other, it feels like we’ve been here forever.

Far more than just handcuffs, you know. I didn't hone that skill of being able to take on any lock I meet for no reason.

[ A hint of facetiousness is certainly in there, but that the handcuffs wouldn't provide much of a challenge to him whatsoever when given enough time to crack them: that's true. If the casual tossing of that out there gets Sylvain to smile, then that's just a bonus.

Maybe, with some luck, it'll offset the rest of what's being asked without really asking it outright. As the rock tumbles away Claude watches it roll before glancing out to the pedestrian traffic around them. As for what Sylvain says, he lets that hang in the air for a little bit while considering it and what they've spoken of before, and then makes a careful choice in his next thought voiced aloud. ]

Even if home itself is complicated, I can't imagine it's easy to be away from those you've known the longest while being here.

Any lock?

[ That’s interesting. And not actually something he’d known before now. Not that it surprises him - it doesn’t. It’s just interesting, all the same.

Claude’s following words, however, have his steps faltering for a moment, pace interrupted. There’s a very pointed moment where Sylvain very obviously avoids answering. Avoids looking at Claude, too. Not sure what he’d see in his eyes if he did. ]

It’s not easy. But it’s not hard, either.

[ Sylvain might have known them the longest… but he could no longer claim that they’d known him best. Sometimes he still found himself wondering if they’d known him at all. Not something he would have questioned back home. But having found something different here… it cast some things into sharp clarity, in hindsight. ]

[ The locks can wait for a minute. While he doesn't think Sylvain is going to forget that little tidbit quite so easily, it can take a backseat to everything else.

If Sylvain was somehow hoping that the sudden and intentional evasiveness was going to go unnoticed - well. Claude hadn't been specifically watching the other man through anything more than the corner of his eye at first, but that little facade fades away when he turns to look at Sylvain properly and notes each part of that avoidance. Maybe any other time he would've been tempted to let this go, too. But they've already done enough of that this afternoon, and Sylvain's chosen to answer him rather than sidestep around it.

And there's a part of that which feels unsaid which Claude himself understands rather well, isn't there? ]

It's alright if you miss them but don't want them to be here because it'd mean going back to something you don't want. I like you for who you are rather than who you'd pretended to be.

[ This time, his pace comes to an abrupt stop at those unexpected words, breath hitching softly in his throat. A throat that suddenly feels tight and a little too choked off. He swallows around it, and then gives a little laugh, trying to brush it off. ]

What’s not to like?

[ But it falls hollow even to his ears. An answer more befitting the person he’d always pretended to be, forced himself into to survive back home. He stares at the ground, shoving his hands a little deeper in his pockets. ]

Maybe it wasn’t all pretend.

[ When does the mask you wear become more real than the face you’re trying to hide? When everyone forgets what you looked like without it? When they actually believe it’s the real thing, and forget there was ever another face beneath it?

He shrugs, looking uncomfortable for a moment. ]

Or maybe this one’s the pretend one. Trying to be a person outside of my Crest… that would have been a fairy tale back home. I still… don’t even know who this person is.

[ But he spent far less time here drowning in shame, in resentment and bitterness for a cage he couldn’t slip free of. Crushed under expectations he could never meet and ambitions he never wanted to fulfill.

He gives another low laugh, strained and resigned. ] It still sounds pretty terrible of me though, right? Not wanting them here because I’m still afraid of how they’d see me. Or if they wouldn’t see anything different at all.

[ No, it probably wasn't all pretend. Not when there's all those indicators Claude's come to sense over the past couple of years that all those things Sylvain said he was, all those things he'd wield like a shield in front of him to keep anyone from looking too close: it was far more likely that the line had blurred at some point in there to where he'd started to believe some of it. That much was clear if Claude takes a second to consider a time on the rooftop when he and Hilda had pointed out everything good about Sylvain and the clearest brightest shining response in that was the discomfort as if they couldn't possibly be true.

He lets Sylvain stop and comes to a halt still beside him, still studying whatever's warring beneath that when it's not so hidden now. He wonders if the Sylvain not long after arriving would've shown any of this or would've kept laughing it off like that half-hearted attempt of a few seconds ago to dodge whatever else might be implied - or said - afterwards. Some of that retreat can still be found as Sylvain fumbles around the outline of several thoughts at once, and it's that which has Claude turning to place his hands on the other's shoulders to make him focus again. ]

No, it makes you someone who knows they deserve better than what awful hands they've been dealt. And on top of that, it certainly doesn't make you terrible, afraid, or selfish for wanting that or a chance to be free of it. [ In case that was coming next just to ward it off, though perhaps the intensity in Claude's voice now stems from experiences all his own in those firm denials. ] Look at me, Sylvain.

[ A trick he's used before and one he doesn't feel any guilt for doing now, and he'll stand there in stubborn silence as long as it takes until Sylvain does look at (or somewhere nearby) him before continuing. ]

You aren't your Crest, and there's no limits on who you can be if you decide on something else for yourself. But if you ever need a reminder of who you are beneath it all, you don't have to look very far: it's who you are here, no matter who's here or isn't.

[ Actually, he’s pretty sure it makes him terrible, afraid, AND selfish. But he doesn’t think Claude would appreciate that answer.

There’s a bark of a leader’s command in those words and Sylvain responds automatically, eyes coming up, only to get caught and pinned in place by the intent look Claude gives him. The hands firm on his shoulders.

Even if those words make him want to squirm away again, uncomfortable to have that focus so fixated on him. One corner of his lips quirks faintly, but it still falls far short of the smirk he might have once fallen back on at such a statement. ]

Well. I guess the fact that you haven’t kicked me out of your bed yet means I’m not a complete failure at being… whoever this is. I must be doing something right.

[ Sylvain looks at him, but it doesn't take Claude long to recognize signs of being uncomfortable again over something told to him that he feels is a truth. All of it is true to him even if there's an ache over what's in Sylvain's past to make him not believe it. To think this is too good to be true, and --

To think all of this might be too good to be true, Claude realizes with something which feels a little like being punched in the chest. He doesn't move as he continues to stare at Sylvain unflinchingly, not even when it feels like the ground sinks beneath him with the weight of it. The signs were there; he'd just chosen to look over them in denial. ]

And why would I do that?

[ It's a deliberate question asked with nothing else accompanying it. No convincing, no arguments ready to be made to bend belief back to what Claude wants it to be. He wants Sylvain to answer this without any guidance - just to find whatever honest response he has and to give it. ]

[ ‘Why wouldn’t you?’ are the words that come immediately to mind, springing to the tip of his tongue, but he bites them back at the last moment. He doesn’t think that’s the answer Claude wants to hear.

Not that he knows what answer Claude does want to hear, but he’s still pretty sure that’s not it.

Even if it is his first and automatic response. Because making yourself not believe something is too good to be true is easier said than done. And it doesn’t change the fact that Sylvain’s never been able to maintain a relationship this long before. Inevitably, he’d done something, said something, or just plain failed to be something worth enough to keep sticking around for.

He’s still watching for it. Waiting for it. The other shoe to drop. Knowing it’s looming out there somewhere but having no idea when or where it will hit.

But that’s a him problem. Not Claude. Honestly, he doesn't even understand why Claude’s already stuck around this long. Yeah, the sex is amazing but… ]

Common sense?

[ It’s a weak answer, accompanied by a faint grimace, just because he doesn’t know what other answer to give here. ]

[ As Sylvain considers it, there's nothing but dread felt by Claude in the silence. A strange sensation as it's one he rarely humors for longer than a second before brushing it off, but this? It feels like the same level of foreboding when he'd realized too late that was something was wrong before he and Hilda leveled each other with destruction they'd never turned on each other before or since.

An answer comes. As much as he wants to pull away right then and there, Claude feels frozen. Common sense. It answers nothing while also answering something: that Sylvain doesn't have an actual answer for his question, but that doesn't feel like it's anywhere near good enough.

It takes a couple more moments but he remembers to move then and withdraws his hands to put down at his sides. He doesn't step back though; asking what feels like a rather awful question when he'd thought it was straightforward enough only to find out it must have been anything but. If it hadn't been, there'd be no doubt now. Would there? ]

What exactly did it mean to you when I said I want you?

[ It's asked evenly. Almost tonelessly like there's not significance behind that he's holding back, and like it's not a question he won't let Sylvain escape from this time as he's allowed on so many others. ]

[ That… had apparently been the wrong answer, too.

Not that it was really an answer. Even he knew that. But he didn’t have a better one to give.

Claude’s hands drop away but even though he doesn’t move back, that distance between them suddenly feels like a canyon gaping open at his feet.

Maybe that shoe was dropping after all.

A hand lifts to rub at the back of his neck and he halfway turns away, if only to the side. He doesn't like that tone of voice, either. It’s uttered in the same final way he’s heard ‘we need to talk’ and other, grimmer statements. No heated emotion in it, just the resolute note of… what? Resignation? Finality? Empty. ]

Exactly what you said, I thought. [ It’s said around a small huff of air as he stares at the pavement. ] It’s not like you’d been all that subtle about it, for once. The flirting, your interest.

[ Being wanted, at least, is something he’s all too skilled in recognizing. ]

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