[open] screw this life of crowded loneliness

[bealufull]

Who: Kaz Brekker
When: Mid May through June
Where: Free Cities, Nocwich, Horizon
What: Post Event things
Warnings: cw possible for germ phobia, mental health issues, death



((open posts throughout Free Cities, the Horizon, and Nocwich. If there isn't a direct prompt below you're interested in, feel free to wildcard me or ping me mythotica
will match brackets or prose))

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[bealufull]

Kaz nods at that, knowing that it's part of how different things feel. There was no barriers, no separation from others. It was a reminder of home, of how things are so starkly set along lines of war and magic and really, he's finding, is this place any different?

But there's something to work towards, a focus and a goal that Kaz needs. Because he'll be damned if he gives that up for hundreds of years more.

Especially not this and how much more they had. Now he could remember how careful they've been, how far they've come, and yet it feels like a million miles away from what they'd had in that future time.

"Don't hold back with me, Jesper," he says, almost demanding as he cups the other man's cheeks in his hand. "I don't ever want you holding back from the things we know we can have."

He may not be able to handle more, but he needs to not lose that with Jesper.

"All I have to do is forget Jordie," he says, though he's not bitter about it, speaking honestly. That was how he'd gotten past it, wasn't it? "I hate... I hate how this feels," he finally manages, opening up in ways he isn't always good at but trying.

"I hate how it feels I have to give him up but more... I hate that some part of me wants to."

Jordie had given everything for Kaz. His very life, and then even then he had saved Kaz. He knew he was a monster but saying that felt like he'd taken it to a whole new level.

[itookashot]

Jesper sighs and looks up at him, understanding what he means by not holding back. It's difficult because Jesper has spent all this time trying very hard to be perfect for Kaz. Patient, gentle, guiding, never pushing, never wanting more than he could get. It isn't as easy for him as he put on, but Kaz was always worth it. He still is, he'll never stop being. He turns his head to kiss Kaz's hand.

"Fine. I'll miss the days just lying naked in bed with you." They became so numerous that they started to take it for granted. There was nothing to remind them of Kaz's touch issue. They wouldn't just spend days, sometimes a full week, enjoying each other and laughing. The power they both had made them happy as gods, and they had each other too. He could touch and kiss and make love to Kaz for hours. It was beautiful.

"But we'll get there again. We proved that." Jesper just has to go back to being patient, which he can do. He'll still miss it and while it bothers him to say that in Kaz's face, he is telling him the truth. That is what Kaz wants from him. He doesn't want Jesper to pretend, that's never been them.

Jesper shakes his head at him at the next part, a little frantic, running fingers through his hair soothingly. "No, love, no. You never have to forget Jordie. That's how it worked there but it wasn't real." Their feelings were real, their experiences were real, but it wasn't in fact real. So whatever they did to get past their issues, it was not the same thing as what they would have to do now.

"All I'm hoping for is there is a point in time when you think of Jordie and all you remember are the good things." That is how Jesper got past his mother, and while the trauma isn't the same thing, it wasn't hugely different. The loss of a family member that left huge scars on the heart. But for Jesper, it's only the good things he remembers. He was young when it happened but his mother left a perfect memory for him. It's not the same for Jordie, who is wrapped up in Kaz's worst memories too.

[bealufull]

"Of everything I've had, losing all of that with you hits the hardest," he admits, already thinking about the ways in which he could push himself, what more he could do. Anything that didn't mean giving up all he had gained. All the loses in his life and this one felt as sharp as the first betrayal that had made him the man he is.

"And I won't give that up. You have always been there, Jesper, and will not lose all we've gained." He doesn't just mean in the time before those days. Kaz is one to set his mind to something and never give up and this will be no different.

As if to prove that, his hands move to Jesper's shirt to under the first few buttons so he can slide his hands along Jesper's collarbones, across perfect skin, watching the other as he does so.

"I am never letting anything stand in between you and I, Jesper. Not anything. I'm asking you not to let me back down. Remind me what I can have, do have, because we're always there for one another."

They're not the words that Kaz often speaks, but they're the truth even if they're not easy for him.

"It worked though. It makes sense."

It's been nearly two years since he's been Dirtyhands. Two years since the Kaz Brekker he had spent years building had all but died to a place where he had no revenge, no reputation, and no reason to cling to those things.

"The good things... They don't even feel real. Like it's all a fever dream that anything happened in my life before I got sick isn't real. Just a dream, pretending at things that never really happened."

And that's what has made it the hardest all along, and what he hasn't admitted until now. "So I don't know how to let go of that one moment that... that caused so much."

Because being in the water with Jordie's body had changed him on a fundamental level as he hasn't figured out yet how to change it back.

[itookashot]

"I don't want you to push yourself, Kaz. I would never forgive myself if you felt anything other than safe in my bed." And it's not like Kaz can control it. His aversion comes without warning. Step by step they have gotten better. Kaz allowed him to put his hand on him and get him off, that was a next step from doing it to themselves while watching each other. It's not that Kaz hasn't tried everything that he could to make this work.

He knows how sick Kaz can get when it goes wrong, and he doesn't want that in their bed. It's not a place for discomfort. He sighs as Kaz unbuttons his shirt and tilts his head back to expose his throat for Kaz to touch if he likes. He shifts Kaz on his lap so he isn't sitting too directly on top of him. Jesper gets excited easily and they're having a conversation.

"I don't know how to help," he admits. Which isn't easy for Jesper to say. He likes having the solutions. It's just that this issue with Kaz is above his pay grade in terms of what he can understand. And the only person who understands psychology is a psychopath that he would murder for even talking to Kaz.

"Tell me something about Jordie that isn't about the water." Once upon a time, Kaz called him Jordie, which was so confusing at the time, and he's glad that it wasn't long-term conflating the two together. Considering what they are. But he understands it. Jesper was important to him the way Jordie was, his closest companion. "What was he like as a person?"

[bealufull]

"When have I never pushed myself?

Though they both know that he never had in this. In so many other things he has pushed until he changed everything in his world and everyone else's world if he saw fit. Much as he's tried, that hasn't worked in this as it has everything else.

But it's irrational and uncontrollable, and it's why he hates it so much. If he can't control it, and can't figure it out, what is he meant to do? It's why it drives him nearly mad, and why he hid it for so long. It was a weakness he couldn't change, and he hated for people to know he could be weak.

Jesper knew though, and he still loved him. He is still here.

"That's not true," he says, his gaze narrowing and his tones sharp. "You can't fix it, but you help, Jesper Fahey. You help more than anyone I have ever known could or has," he argues, not wanting Jesper to believe that. He's not sure how to fix it but Jesper always helps.

"Two years ago, Jesper, and I would be passed out on the floor to be like this," he says, his voice soft but firm at the same time. "You are why I have gotten to this point. You."

Kaz leans in, kissing Jesper. Taking that initiative, letting himself grow a bit dizzy but not passing out as he cups Jesper's cheek, staring into his eyes. "You got me here, Jesper. Remember that."

And he would never forget that either.

He pauses though at that request, considering what to say. More than that, making himself consider their life together before the end of it.

"He was..." Kaz closes his eyes, making himself think of things he never lets himself even dream about. "Kind. Protective. He was... he never left me behind even though I was younger. If he was doing something, then I learned it as well so I could keep up and be there with him. I don't think many ever saw one of us without the other."

Knowing these things, and why it was all so intrinsic to who Kaz is was one thing. Saying them out loud was another.

[itookashot]

"Hey, look at me." Jesper cups his face, gray eyes intently staring at him. "One day you and I are going to have incredible and filthy sex and lie in each other's naked arms for hours and it will be magnificent. It's inevitable. We'll get there."

Does he already miss that he had it and now has to go backward? Yes. Jesper is human, he is infinitely patient in how he acts, but not in his mind. He would love to pick up Kaz right now and make love to him to soothe his pain, having done that for eight hundred fake years. He wants all their skin to be touching. He wants him, he yearns for him. It's an adjustment but one he can make. Love is unselfish.

"But it would be helpful if you stopped saying things that make me want to fuck you. Be a little less irresistible." Jesper smiles at that, indicating that he's joking, that he is trying to lighten up the conversation a little. He wants Kaz to be okay with everything and not be so hard on himself. He knows that he's done all he can for his lover to feel good and empowered, but he still wishes he could take it all away.

Jesper runs his hand up and down Kaz's back soothingly as he talks, being as here for him as he can. He remembers a time when his mother's loss just made him be in pain every minute, and reminders of her were terrible. But that was so long ago and Kaz's grief comes hand in hand with a trauma that no one can understand, not even Jesper.

"I don't think forgetting about him is the answer, Kaz. It's just more repression of your feelings. It worked as a god but it's because we weren't human then. We still are here. There was a lot more to Jordie than the way he died."

[bealufull]

A year ago if Jesper had said those things, Kaz might have found himself lightheaded. Yet he's held those fantasies for so long now, since that first time they had fooled around in an alley fully clothed.

So for Jesper to say it in so many words, painting that image in Kaz's mind once more, he can't help but shiver at the thought. "That was the only downside to those memories. What we had, but not remembering that first time with you."

If the future memories held any truths, he grows strong enough to be with others, but he knows first and always will be Jesper.

He considers the other man a moment and then gives a long, put upon sigh. "How can I manage to be less than what I am, Jesper. It's like asking a bird not to fly," he teases, entirely straight faced, and yet perhaps a statement to how much he has grown.

Because it's easy to fall into the lighthearted teasing when he's with Jesper, to let go and just not think about things even before this place. About Jordie especially.

"You two would have adored one another," he says softly. Of course, if he had lived, would he even know Jesper? "You both always have a smile at the ready. I wasn't like that even then. I was the shadow to his sun, I suppose." Much as he was with Jesper as well. "I don't... I don't remember a lot of life before Ketterdam. I guess an age thing... or what's happened since then. I lost my parents. I remember that. I remember how certain he was that Ketterdam would change our lot in life. I guess he wasn't wrong about that."

Let's wrap on this one!

[itookashot]

"And now we'll get to have that first time. It'll be fantastically memorable and worth waiting for." They've had countless first times now. First kiss, first making out, first orgasm, each step of their sex life has been a first, and it's thrilling. Jesper may be used to just getting what he wants, but his love for Kaz is unique and special.

He kisses Kaz deeply, finding comfort in what they can have, in what they built together. It's not everything he desires, but it is what he wants. After the kiss, Jesper looks up into his eyes, and he smiles. "You are worth waiting a millennium for, Brekker." Jesper fell in love with him at first sight. He has been at Kaz's side through thick and thin and never wavered in his loyalty or love. He's not going to start now.

Jesper hugs Kaz to him and listens to him talk about Jordie. It makes sense to him now why Kaz at one point called him Jordie. At the time he didn't understand that in a way it was him saying how infinitely important Jesper was to him, but he gets it now. He doesn't tease that everyone likes him because that's not the point. It's Kaz opening up about Jordie.

"Your brother loved you and you loved him. And that is a beautiful thing. Forgetting him is not what you want, sweetheart. It's what you feel you have to do, but it's not true. It won't magically fix you." In eight hundred years any number of things could have fixed it. It wasn't only Jordie. They were also under some kind of spell too. There's no real way to trust in it, outside of the erotic dream portion he'll keep with him.

"No one knows you better than me, not even you. So trust me, sweetheart. You'll get there."