abraxaslogs | [open] screw this life of crowded loneliness

Kaz had been kicking and snarling when they forced him to the Singularity. He'd left that future world much the same way, seeking some way of not losing all that he had gained over the years. Certainly he had changed in his nearly two years in this new place, more than he ever could have imagined even for a man that could see the long game a lifetime into the future. Yet the man... the god he had been compared to the man he was left him with a longing for something he never thought he might have.

He finds himself on a two fold mission. One to learn what he can about a reality that might never come true but that he can't let go of and to work on the gifts he's seen, to study the one thing linked to what he had seen. The Singularity.

After two years in the city he knows better than to ask about it. He has kept a keen ear out and knows the way those not of the Summoned in their city think of the Singularity and magic. Before now Kaz had been willing to explore other things and leave it to their fights while he found his way. Those days are over.

Kaz knows he has years, decades and more even, to find what he needs to know. Even if he wants to jumpstart things as much as he can. It's what leads him to spend his free hours studying. He can be found scouring the stacks in any number of libraries, exploring museums, as well as attending the public lectures at the Academies

When he's not studying, he can be found at the Sarstina Inn. Normally just at a table in the corner, pouring over notes and books as well as sourly watching the crowd as he has a drink or two. These days though he can be found some nights behind the bar, pulling a few shifts as Inej once had. Perhaps it's not entirely social, his gloves still in place some nights, though some he tests working without them, and his expression is not as welcoming as some might like, but it's a step testing the possibility of change.

Ever since their return, Kaz has taken to spending time each day meditating to enter the Horizon. At first just to be able to do this seamlessly, working on removing the hesitations and blocks that kept him from slipping into that other state.

Once in the Horizon, he found himself exploring it more than he ever had.

Two years ago he had come into the Horizon to find the Crow Club standing as it had in the Barrel. Jesper had lovingly recreated it down to the last detail, and he had been thankful for the familiar and comforting space.

Now though he finds himself tinkering with things. Just for the sake of exploring and testing. Changing things and seeing how long they stay before turning them back. Creating people that populate the Club, trying to make them exact to the ones he had known in Ketterdam.

But most of his time was spent practicing his magic. Not the skills of a heartrender, but the others he has gained. Creating and controlling fire. Putting himself into the mind of the crow so that slipping into his brilliant lit crow form becomes second nature and part of who he is. He had been dragged from a pool into this place with only the magic that came with sleight of hand but Kaz knew now he would work for more. He had seen the end result and he wouldn't stop fighting for that.

He also used his time there to seek out others. It felt "safer" than physical contact and so he let himself explore other's horizons. Not rushing in, but feeling things out, seeing if he found others there. Even if it's taking a chance not knowing who or what he might run into.

((ooc: open to friendly or less than encounters in the horizon with him exploring others areas.))

While he explores, perhaps, he might find himself within a thick copse of trees. There's a small, barely-there path that he might intuitively know to tread, one that Kaz would inherently realize leads to somewhere. Someone's domain.

But the grouping of trees becomes thicker. The forest darkens, the shadows lengthen. It feels as though twilight descends upon this place, even if there is no real sense of passing time.

The path splits in two. Left, or right. Will he continue, and down which one?

The lights of the Crow Club had given away to a shadowy area that suddenly gives way to trees. So much thicker and denser than any he's known of, and the closest he's seen have laid in the icy lands to the north. Nothing like these.

Someone has been here, the path little more than a lighter patch through the underbrush but that doesn't stop him. In truth, it only makes him more determined, edging through narrow gaps and glad for his cane to push aside the brush.

He pauses when the path splits, considering his options as he cants his head back, looking up. No sun. No stars. Nothing to guide him and nothing to make one path or the other more clear.

Eventually he heads left, eyes narrowing to peer through the darkness and pick out where the path leads. Pausing from time to time to listen without his own steps, breathing soft and shallow to try and not cover the sounds of animals or people.

The path to the left continues to wend through the forest, and sometimes the trees shudder overhead, giving way to a dappling of light against the loam of the ground. There is a sense of... foreboding, though it's hard to tell if it's because of where this trail leads, or if the domain isn't keen on visitors. That it exists in a space departed from all the rest, bulwarked by the unease an unexpected guest might experience when coming this way.

There are no sounds of people, anyway. Sounds of animals, maybe. A rustling in the undergrowth time and time again. Maybe the path to the right had something a bit more unpleasant to stumble across -- who's to say?

But nothing comes out to attack or threaten here. In fact, once Kaz draws close enough, the trees part to reveal a large clearing. A house sits amid it, large and freshly-painted. Free to be approached, examined, or entered, if he's of a mind to!

Perhaps another person might have turned back. Certainly considered how long they might wander these woods and how long they might be there while time outside of the Horizon went on.

Kaz isn't thinking about that though. Now he's come this far, he wants to see where it goes and that's all that drives him forward.

While he knows that the horizon can be whatever another wants to make of it, he hadn't expected to find a house that wasn't lost to the elements nestled there amongst the trees. Manners would say he at least go to the door and see if anyone actually answered, and had this been in the conscious world, he may have ignored that. Given this place is created from magic and the minds of the Summoned, he suspects remembering his manners might be in order. At least to start.

Climbing the steps, he makes sure to take the end of his cane loudly on the steps almost as if announcing himself before he raps at the door with the head of his crow cane.

"Hello? Anyone home?"

The door possesses a stained glass window, adorned with a rose. The red of its petals is stark against the dark wooden frame, and the rapping against the door seems to echo loudly from within the home.

There's no response at first.

And this is the part where the door would normally swing open to reveal no one, the wide gaping maw of a foyer beckoning Kaz in. A empty, mysterious, and slightly worrisome air about the place, the loud tick, tick, ticking of a grandfather clock within acting as the home's heartbeat. Yes, this would normally happen, were the owner of this domain feeling a bit more capricious. To tease at unexpected newcomers with a sense of unease.

After all that's transpired as of late, Henry is not in that kind of mood.

The door swings open, indeed. But it's met with Henry there, one hand braced against the frame, brow furrowing as his look sweeps over his new guest. His normally blue-eyed gaze is now interrupted by how his left iris is, instead, red.

"And who are you? How did you find your way here?"

His tone's light, but almost accusatory, before faint recognition seeps in.

"Oh, I remember. I ran into you in Nocwich a long while ago, didn't I?"

In fairness the entire moment is a bit tense, given he's wandered into someone else's domain and being brazen enough to knock on the door and basically demand their attention. Whatever might happen, it isn't as if he doesn't deserve it.

Arching a brow at that greeting, and yet his expression is almost amused.

"In fairness I randomly followed a path and it brought me here."

He nods though at that question. "Quite a bit ago, but I remember you. Apparently we'll just be a series of chance encounters."

Was it chance though? He had been seeking... something. He just still isn't sure what it is.

Henry isn't sure if he should bristle that his appearance is one of random chance. He has made the winding road through a dusk-filled forest particularly unfriendly to any who would trek it. He isn't fond of visitors calling upon him uninvited, though perhaps that makes him a bit of a hypocrite. (What else is new.)

So he considers the man, then lowers his hand from the doorframe.

"Simple as that? You followed a path, and you didn't have any... difficulties on the way? Were you looking for something or someone?"

A brow arches at that.

"I wouldn't say it was simple," he shrugs. "I just... I found it interesting. The dark path, the way it meandered in a space where I know it took time and energy to make it happen so I couldn't help but want to find where it went."

And now he was here.

"I was looking for answers. Not here in particular. Interesting though in all of that it brought me here."

A dark path, indeed. Couched in a dark forest, with something large and eight-legged lurking in the shadows. This man, he thinks, he lucky he made it here without incident.

Maybe that requires Henry to play the part of host, just for a little bit. To sate his curiosity, and a little bit of his own. He forces his expression into a faint grin.

"Right, well. Who am I to deny you?" he says, liltingly. Henry steps back, opens the door, and offers to let him past the threshold.

"Come in, if you want."

"Master of this land," he says in answer to that rhetorical question, but that doesn't stop him nonetheless. "But I admit, the forest and the shadows and all that came with it, it only intrigued me. It honestly reminds me of a place back home," he adds, even as he shows some sort of manners, removing his hat before stepping inside.

"Thank you. I appreciate it."

Some part of his mind knows that could be a mistake. He's in another's realm, where they hold the power, and while his body is safe outside and protected, his mind is not in this place and how it could turn. Henry though had interested him once before, and the land he traversed only made it more so.

"Do your lands here reflect something back home or just what you wanted?" It's a personal question but boundaries and Kaz Brekker are often a one way street.

Entering Nocwich once more seems the oddest to Kaz after what he's seen. Not because he hasn't found enjoyment in the area before, but he now has such conflicting memories in his head about Ikorr. It was a place that left Kaz wary before, uncertain about the blood and the possibility of disease with the habits that were common there.

Now he's glad to find it close, to not feel the need to force himself to face that.

It is not that personal challenge that brings him to Nocwich when he can. It's finding those that he had known better during the future who he might not have another chance to speak with. Some he may have sent messages to.

While he still has his cane, the limp back and one thing that makes him loathe to have lost his future life, he wears no gloves and, for Kaz, he's dressed casually. Slacks and a waistcoat in a deep rich green, and a button down shirt in nearly black red. Perhaps it's not the colors of the merchers and others of the Barrel - Jesper included - but it's a step in a new direction.

He can often be found at a table within view of the Main Stage, sipping a drink and watching the crowd more than the show.

Kaz also uses his skills for a bit in the gambling dens. There's less looking for Jesper as if he were an errant child, and more letting himself experience this without thinking about all the things it might make him think about. Almost like poking at a bruise to desensitize himself to it.

((open to him being found just about anywhere in Nocwich except the hot springs. he hasn't gotten that brave yet but the spa is fair game.))

While Nikolai isn't one to gamble, he is one to take in all the sights he can and he doesn't remember stepping foot into one of these dens before. They're a hotbed of activity, people thronged here and there, trying to win some money or to desperately not lose it all.

While Nikolai doesn't have any plans of playing himself, that doesn't stop him from wandering around and checking out the games and, more importantly, the people.

It's during that wandering that he actually spots someone who's moderately familiar. He'd heard from Jesper that he was here but they'd yet to run into each other. After a moment of thought, Nikolai steps over to him.

"Planning on losing your entire savings today?"

The sounds of the room remind Kaz of his years in the Barrel. It's almost comforting to him, something to clear his mind while he tries to think about all of the other things he's facing in this place. The memories of the future are still fresh and sharp in his mind, and they feel as if they come with a need to lose the past as well.

So when the past comes walking up to him, it takes Kaz a moment to realize this isn't more memories of things that hasn't been. But then he thinks about Jesper speaking of his encounters with the other, as well as their talks about the past and this place.

He's quiet a moment though the question makes him smile. It's a tight thing, barely there.

The small stack of chips in his hands easily "pour" into the other hand and then disappear into a pocket somewhere.

"What makes you think I would risk my own savings in a place like this? Especially someplace where I don't control the odds?"

"Oh, I don't know. The thrill of it all?"

He sets his eyes on the game in front of them and tilts his head, watching, trying to pick it up before his attention tips back to Kaz.

"Seeing if you're smart enough to beat the house and their advantages?"

Bragging rights and all.

The sound he makes it rough but is definitely a laugh of sorts.

"I'm living in a place that gave me the ability to fly. I'm not sure even talking their money tops what they do to us regularly," he points out in the most casual of tones, his gloved hand touching his hair without thinking about it, brushing the tiny black pinfeathers peppered throughout.

His gaze narrows, giving the once pirate a sharp look. "Challenging my intelligence. I should be offended." He's not though. Not really. It is one way to get one up on this place but for one thing. "The house never loses. At any cost. Even when you think you're winning, you won't."

"I don't think you're offended at all."

It's very easy to see that he isn't and Nikolai hadn't been trying to offend anyway. He doesn't think someone like Kaz Brekker has many spots to push that would offend and Nikolai has no interest in trying to find them.

"You speak from experience on that? How would one keep people coming back if the house never loses?"

"Nope, not in the least," he admits, a soft twist of his mouth the closest thing he gives to a smile. "If I even offended, I don't think I would much after being in this place so long."

He's adjusted more than he ever did in the Barrel. That had been his world to dictate and control. Cadens is something else entirely.

"Oh absolutely from experience," he says, his entire expression lightening at that. "I didn't run the most profitable casino in all of Ketterdam without knowing how to entice and how to ultimately win."

He could have said most profitable business but he'd been unwilling to participate in the trade of people.

"And people come back from two reasons. One, you let them win, for a while. A small loss for a larger win. Two, people don't believe those things apply to them. The house always wins... until them. They think they're the exception yet they never are. Sometimes you have to accept a step back for the bigger picture."

"Obviously I haven't done enough gambling in my life to know these rules," Nikolai admits with a quiet laugh. But hey, those are good to know now. He flicks a loko over at Kaz.

"You won't find me gambling in Ketterdam when I have a visit," he jokes. "Coming back to Ravka with only the clothes on my back would get me quite the tongue lashing from my advisors."

Zoya in particular.

Kaz gives him a look and a small twist of his mouth that passes for a smile. "Then you are smarter than many who comes through there," he points out, not that he didn't already believe that.

"Though I would say that there truly is an exception. You can only win if you're not playing by the house rules."

Which was how Kaz had accomplished so much. Everyone always assumed he was playing by the rules they themselves implemented and he never was.

"Though, I admit, the thought of that is amusing, but somehow I don't think it's how it would end up. Especially if you had frequented anyone but the Crow Club."

The man hadn't survived as he had for so long without a trick or five up his sleeve, after all.

"Do you miss it?"

He doesn't really specify what he means though he thinks Kaz might be able to guess. Does he miss Ketterdam? The life he had there? The people?

"I know a lot of people have been here for a long time and have become settled. Would you say that you have?"

"It's been nearly two years since they dragged me out of that horrific pool," he mutters, still remembering that day in detail. He thinks about the man they had drawn here. Dirtyhands. The Bastard of the Barrel.

And then he thinks about the man those here knew. Kaz Brekker. Jesper's boyfriend. Sarcasm and assistance all in one at the tavern.

"I miss people," he says after a moment. "But the one thing I've come to realize here is that the important part of my life there was over. I missed my reputation a lot when I first got here, but the truth? Given the choice I'm not sure I would go back. Not so long as it's me and Jesper against the world here."

He misses Inej daily, but she's on a ship, he knows, and she's doing what she was driven to do. He wanted that for her as well.

"Okay, fine. I really do miss the money. I worked hard for that," he says, almost entirely serious about that.

Nikolai wasn't sure what kind of answer he expected from Kaz there. They don't know each other well so he couldn't have guessed. Maybe he thought everyone would want to go back like he did but he realizes now that that's stupid.

There are so many different situations and such that people had come from back in their homes that maybe this was a better option. And maybe they had people here that they couldn't have back home. He can understand that.

"That wasn't something I paid a lot of attention to, truthfully. And yes, I know that makes me privileged but I come from what I come from."

And Ravka wasn't hurting for funds.

"I would think that money doesn't have a lot of uses here either with this place being so insulated."

The entire talk is a realization to Kaz of how far he's come. It's easy in the day to day to not notice what's changed and what hasn't but when he realizes how serious he is about this place, and how comfortable he is with this talk, it is a wake up call to just how much has changed.

"It's the principle, he says to the royal who has never had to worry about money," he points out, dry tones in counterpoint to the brightness in his eyes. "Not that you're wrong. And if Inej and Wylan truly returned Ketterdam and remember this more than as a fever dream, they'll know what to do. Even if she would rather be at sail than ensuring things are run properly."

He gives the other man a long look. "I suppose you're eager to get back though. I know that's why many are working on answers. So there are choices."

"I don't know if eager is the word I would use but I do have...duties."

A king and all. No matter what happens with his world while he's here, he still has duties and obligations that he is responsible for. He takes a breath.

"No one knows who I am here," he says even if Kaz hasn't asked. He doesn't think Kaz would share it either. He's just talking because he can. "I haven't thought it important to tell anyone.:

Kaz does arch a brow at that, his head canting ever so slightly. H e gives the other man a lot, curious look.

"Not that I have any plans to tell them anything, I do wonder... what do you feel about that?"

He hasn't thought about the fact that he might understand how Kaz felt when he first came here. The reputations they held came with a lot, but losing it had lost Kaz a lot beyond the physical. He couldn't help but wonder if he's the only one.

"It's...fine. I don't want people to look at me any differently because of who I am and what I am."

Not that everyone would but he know it would weigh on some people's minds and he'd just rather be seen as Nikolai and not King Nikolai Lantsov.

"Especially in Thorne. I'm sure I'm not the only member of royalty in that place and I'd just rather keep it quiet and away from the queen and her ilk just in case."

He nods, both the possibly personal reasons coming up against the land he's living in while in this place. It's not the same as Cadens and how it's run. Nor does Kaz have an official title and birthright to deal with in this place.

His nose wrinkles slightly though, just thinking about the things he's heard in the land he found himself in.

"Well, you know how royals can be," he says, entirely straight faced. "Though it then makes you wonder how much they know about who they bring here and how much control they have over it."

He wouldn't bring in someone with the knowledge and skills to run his land should the Summoned decide to overthrow the government, but maybe it was all chance. Or someone had thought about that in particular but for what means.

"That is...something I hadn't thought about."

And now he has and he frowns. He wonders if the queen already knows who he is and is just waiting for him to admit it. Or maybe she doesn't give a damn about him. There's plenty of other people in Thorne who are probably more important than he is.

Still, Kaz's statement is going to bother him.

"Is that what you think?"

"I've spent a lot of time overthinking the whole situation, and none of it has come with any answers," he admits, his tones stark and bitter. With many he makes some effort with facades and masks, years of practice making it easy to live with them in this place.

He just doesn't feel they're always needed.

"Less what I think and more what I've wondered. The truth? I don't think they have nearly as much control as they think they do. Much less than they want us to think. Both about who comes through the portals they have, and just what we're capable of as well."

"And yet they have enough control over us that we are stuck here."

Which annoys him. Not so much being stuck in Abraxas but he dislikes being stuck in Thorne, for the most part. He would rather have some freedom to travel.

"But, perhaps they know something about the power we have that we don't know yet."

The one thing that Kaz is acutely missing in ways he has no idea how to explain is the lack of contact. To have gone from his very sheltered, very physically protected way of living to as free and open as he was in the future is almost painful in weird, twisted ways. Like he had overused a muscle and he both wanted to do it more, and was worried about hurting himself.

But the one thing that he can't help thinking about is Jesper and how hard it must be for him. He had gained so much that meant the world to him and now it was gone again.

Yet it was the one thing that feels right still to Kaz. His relationship with Jesper. Seeking him out, tugging away his gloves and tucking them away before he even finds the other man. His bare hand caressing his cheek when he does, no hesitation. Not even when he leans in and kisses him tenderly.

"Talk to me?"

He needs to know where Jesper is right now mentally, where he stands.

They're in their room at the inn, tucked away at the very top that used to house four people and now only two. They share their space more often than not, clinging together, and it's a nice space. Jesper has gotten back to business and everything stayed solid at the shop while they were gone, so that was a worry reassured. Honestly, for him it was a surreal experience but not one that was painful. It was nice, mostly. He became more of what he already was, full of love and passion and kindness.

He's sitting at their breakfast table, delighted to find out that his impressive art skills from the future at least moderately stuck around, making his sketches a little better than before. He makes room when Kaz comes close and simply tugs him onto his lap. They're still fully clothed so there's no extra skin to worry about, something Jesper is adjusting back to. He leans into the caress and kiss, hugging him tightly around the waist.

"I'm fairly certain you're the one that needs to talk, my love. You know me, rolling with things is what I do best." Jesper is the most adaptable person out there. It will be difficult for him to go back to being careful with Kaz, treating him with kid gloves, and he's not so perfect as to think it'll be easy either. He may get frustrated. He may miss their ease. But he won't push it all the same.

There's no hesitation as there might have once been. He knows he can do this, be close to Jesper, touch him and hold him close. He was nearly there before whatever that had been, and he'll be damned if he wants to leave behind what he's shared with Jesper. Ever.

Jesper might not be willing to push, but in this. For them. He is.

He knows Jesper is right though. He is the one that needs to talk. He needs advice and Jesper, if anyone, is the one to most help him with it. A reminder of that is right there before him, tracing his fingers along his jaw to tease at the peak of one ear.

"It is, but you don't have to either. I can imagine it's not all easy for you."

Because Mat isn't there. Those memories had given Jesper a glimpse of a life with him, without the magic and dangers in this place keeping them apart.

"I fought it. I didn't want to... I guess I've just never been one to go back so it felt weird." Which is dodging the words exactly but Jesper knew him better than anyone. He wanted all he had.

"Even knowing what I had lost." Inej and Jordie especially. "I didn't want to lose the rest I had gained. I just wanted that and now..."

And now he's not sure how to get to where he was hundreds of years in the future. If he could have figured a way past it before, he would have. Though he's now beginning to believe he knows what he has to do. Just not how.

The biggest reminder of what they went through is Jesper's now permanently pointed ears. He was so baffled by it when they got out of the crater. As a god, he did sport them regularly, as he loved the Fey, but this is the first time something physical has stayed with him. He's accepted it though, as he always does, and he doesn't mind the touch.

"I think the hardest part is being trapped here again. When we had so much freedom." And for Jesper, freedom is everything. He was starting to get passive about it in Cadens, so comfortable with his shop and his friends, but he still thought they had more ability to move around. Now he only sees it as a sizable trap, and one far away from Mat yet again, who is stuck in that blasted castle yet again.

Jesper holds him, looking up at him since Kaz is at a higher position here, and he rubs a hand up and down his back over his clothes. He already misses the freedom of having Kaz naked and bare in his bed, the ability to kiss every inch of him in sweet reverence. It will take time to get there again and he's not put off from the journey, Jesper will always fight for Kaz, but it is a frustrating set back no doubt for both of them. He knows that the touch problem is one that drives Kaz insane too, more so than anyone else, given it being his body and instincts out of control.

"You can have it again, Kaz. You know the road to it now. It's within reach, it doesn't have to take hundreds of years to get there." He kisses Kaz's palm gently.

Kaz nods at that, knowing that it's part of how different things feel. There was no barriers, no separation from others. It was a reminder of home, of how things are so starkly set along lines of war and magic and really, he's finding, is this place any different?

But there's something to work towards, a focus and a goal that Kaz needs. Because he'll be damned if he gives that up for hundreds of years more.

Especially not this and how much more they had. Now he could remember how careful they've been, how far they've come, and yet it feels like a million miles away from what they'd had in that future time.

"Don't hold back with me, Jesper," he says, almost demanding as he cups the other man's cheeks in his hand. "I don't ever want you holding back from the things we know we can have."

He may not be able to handle more, but he needs to not lose that with Jesper.

"All I have to do is forget Jordie," he says, though he's not bitter about it, speaking honestly. That was how he'd gotten past it, wasn't it? "I hate... I hate how this feels," he finally manages, opening up in ways he isn't always good at but trying.

"I hate how it feels I have to give him up but more... I hate that some part of me wants to."

Jordie had given everything for Kaz. His very life, and then even then he had saved Kaz. He knew he was a monster but saying that felt like he'd taken it to a whole new level.

Jesper sighs and looks up at him, understanding what he means by not holding back. It's difficult because Jesper has spent all this time trying very hard to be perfect for Kaz. Patient, gentle, guiding, never pushing, never wanting more than he could get. It isn't as easy for him as he put on, but Kaz was always worth it. He still is, he'll never stop being. He turns his head to kiss Kaz's hand.

"Fine. I'll miss the days just lying naked in bed with you." They became so numerous that they started to take it for granted. There was nothing to remind them of Kaz's touch issue. They wouldn't just spend days, sometimes a full week, enjoying each other and laughing. The power they both had made them happy as gods, and they had each other too. He could touch and kiss and make love to Kaz for hours. It was beautiful.

"But we'll get there again. We proved that." Jesper just has to go back to being patient, which he can do. He'll still miss it and while it bothers him to say that in Kaz's face, he is telling him the truth. That is what Kaz wants from him. He doesn't want Jesper to pretend, that's never been them.

Jesper shakes his head at him at the next part, a little frantic, running fingers through his hair soothingly. "No, love, no. You never have to forget Jordie. That's how it worked there but it wasn't real." Their feelings were real, their experiences were real, but it wasn't in fact real. So whatever they did to get past their issues, it was not the same thing as what they would have to do now.

"All I'm hoping for is there is a point in time when you think of Jordie and all you remember are the good things." That is how Jesper got past his mother, and while the trauma isn't the same thing, it wasn't hugely different. The loss of a family member that left huge scars on the heart. But for Jesper, it's only the good things he remembers. He was young when it happened but his mother left a perfect memory for him. It's not the same for Jordie, who is wrapped up in Kaz's worst memories too.

"Of everything I've had, losing all of that with you hits the hardest," he admits, already thinking about the ways in which he could push himself, what more he could do. Anything that didn't mean giving up all he had gained. All the loses in his life and this one felt as sharp as the first betrayal that had made him the man he is.

"And I won't give that up. You have always been there, Jesper, and will not lose all we've gained." He doesn't just mean in the time before those days. Kaz is one to set his mind to something and never give up and this will be no different.

As if to prove that, his hands move to Jesper's shirt to under the first few buttons so he can slide his hands along Jesper's collarbones, across perfect skin, watching the other as he does so.

"I am never letting anything stand in between you and I, Jesper. Not anything. I'm asking you not to let me back down. Remind me what I can have, do have, because we're always there for one another."

They're not the words that Kaz often speaks, but they're the truth even if they're not easy for him.

"It worked though. It makes sense."

It's been nearly two years since he's been Dirtyhands. Two years since the Kaz Brekker he had spent years building had all but died to a place where he had no revenge, no reputation, and no reason to cling to those things.

"The good things... They don't even feel real. Like it's all a fever dream that anything happened in my life before I got sick isn't real. Just a dream, pretending at things that never really happened."

And that's what has made it the hardest all along, and what he hasn't admitted until now. "So I don't know how to let go of that one moment that... that caused so much."

Because being in the water with Jordie's body had changed him on a fundamental level as he hasn't figured out yet how to change it back.

"I don't want you to push yourself, Kaz. I would never forgive myself if you felt anything other than safe in my bed." And it's not like Kaz can control it. His aversion comes without warning. Step by step they have gotten better. Kaz allowed him to put his hand on him and get him off, that was a next step from doing it to themselves while watching each other. It's not that Kaz hasn't tried everything that he could to make this work.

He knows how sick Kaz can get when it goes wrong, and he doesn't want that in their bed. It's not a place for discomfort. He sighs as Kaz unbuttons his shirt and tilts his head back to expose his throat for Kaz to touch if he likes. He shifts Kaz on his lap so he isn't sitting too directly on top of him. Jesper gets excited easily and they're having a conversation.

"I don't know how to help," he admits. Which isn't easy for Jesper to say. He likes having the solutions. It's just that this issue with Kaz is above his pay grade in terms of what he can understand. And the only person who understands psychology is a psychopath that he would murder for even talking to Kaz.

"Tell me something about Jordie that isn't about the water." Once upon a time, Kaz called him Jordie, which was so confusing at the time, and he's glad that it wasn't long-term conflating the two together. Considering what they are. But he understands it. Jesper was important to him the way Jordie was, his closest companion. "What was he like as a person?"

"When have I never pushed myself?

Though they both know that he never had in this. In so many other things he has pushed until he changed everything in his world and everyone else's world if he saw fit. Much as he's tried, that hasn't worked in this as it has everything else.

But it's irrational and uncontrollable, and it's why he hates it so much. If he can't control it, and can't figure it out, what is he meant to do? It's why it drives him nearly mad, and why he hid it for so long. It was a weakness he couldn't change, and he hated for people to know he could be weak.

Jesper knew though, and he still loved him. He is still here.

"That's not true," he says, his gaze narrowing and his tones sharp. "You can't fix it, but you help, Jesper Fahey. You help more than anyone I have ever known could or has," he argues, not wanting Jesper to believe that. He's not sure how to fix it but Jesper always helps.

"Two years ago, Jesper, and I would be passed out on the floor to be like this," he says, his voice soft but firm at the same time. "You are why I have gotten to this point. You."

Kaz leans in, kissing Jesper. Taking that initiative, letting himself grow a bit dizzy but not passing out as he cups Jesper's cheek, staring into his eyes. "You got me here, Jesper. Remember that."

And he would never forget that either.

He pauses though at that request, considering what to say. More than that, making himself consider their life together before the end of it.

"He was..." Kaz closes his eyes, making himself think of things he never lets himself even dream about. "Kind. Protective. He was... he never left me behind even though I was younger. If he was doing something, then I learned it as well so I could keep up and be there with him. I don't think many ever saw one of us without the other."

Knowing these things, and why it was all so intrinsic to who Kaz is was one thing. Saying them out loud was another.

"Hey, look at me." Jesper cups his face, gray eyes intently staring at him. "One day you and I are going to have incredible and filthy sex and lie in each other's naked arms for hours and it will be magnificent. It's inevitable. We'll get there."

Does he already miss that he had it and now has to go backward? Yes. Jesper is human, he is infinitely patient in how he acts, but not in his mind. He would love to pick up Kaz right now and make love to him to soothe his pain, having done that for eight hundred fake years. He wants all their skin to be touching. He wants him, he yearns for him. It's an adjustment but one he can make. Love is unselfish.

"But it would be helpful if you stopped saying things that make me want to fuck you. Be a little less irresistible." Jesper smiles at that, indicating that he's joking, that he is trying to lighten up the conversation a little. He wants Kaz to be okay with everything and not be so hard on himself. He knows that he's done all he can for his lover to feel good and empowered, but he still wishes he could take it all away.

Jesper runs his hand up and down Kaz's back soothingly as he talks, being as here for him as he can. He remembers a time when his mother's loss just made him be in pain every minute, and reminders of her were terrible. But that was so long ago and Kaz's grief comes hand in hand with a trauma that no one can understand, not even Jesper.

"I don't think forgetting about him is the answer, Kaz. It's just more repression of your feelings. It worked as a god but it's because we weren't human then. We still are here. There was a lot more to Jordie than the way he died."

A year ago if Jesper had said those things, Kaz might have found himself lightheaded. Yet he's held those fantasies for so long now, since that first time they had fooled around in an alley fully clothed.

So for Jesper to say it in so many words, painting that image in Kaz's mind once more, he can't help but shiver at the thought. "That was the only downside to those memories. What we had, but not remembering that first time with you."

If the future memories held any truths, he grows strong enough to be with others, but he knows first and always will be Jesper.

He considers the other man a moment and then gives a long, put upon sigh. "How can I manage to be less than what I am, Jesper. It's like asking a bird not to fly," he teases, entirely straight faced, and yet perhaps a statement to how much he has grown.

Because it's easy to fall into the lighthearted teasing when he's with Jesper, to let go and just not think about things even before this place. About Jordie especially.

"You two would have adored one another," he says softly. Of course, if he had lived, would he even know Jesper? "You both always have a smile at the ready. I wasn't like that even then. I was the shadow to his sun, I suppose." Much as he was with Jesper as well. "I don't... I don't remember a lot of life before Ketterdam. I guess an age thing... or what's happened since then. I lost my parents. I remember that. I remember how certain he was that Ketterdam would change our lot in life. I guess he wasn't wrong about that."

"And now we'll get to have that first time. It'll be fantastically memorable and worth waiting for." They've had countless first times now. First kiss, first making out, first orgasm, each step of their sex life has been a first, and it's thrilling. Jesper may be used to just getting what he wants, but his love for Kaz is unique and special.

He kisses Kaz deeply, finding comfort in what they can have, in what they built together. It's not everything he desires, but it is what he wants. After the kiss, Jesper looks up into his eyes, and he smiles. "You are worth waiting a millennium for, Brekker." Jesper fell in love with him at first sight. He has been at Kaz's side through thick and thin and never wavered in his loyalty or love. He's not going to start now.

Jesper hugs Kaz to him and listens to him talk about Jordie. It makes sense to him now why Kaz at one point called him Jordie. At the time he didn't understand that in a way it was him saying how infinitely important Jesper was to him, but he gets it now. He doesn't tease that everyone likes him because that's not the point. It's Kaz opening up about Jordie.

"Your brother loved you and you loved him. And that is a beautiful thing. Forgetting him is not what you want, sweetheart. It's what you feel you have to do, but it's not true. It won't magically fix you." In eight hundred years any number of things could have fixed it. It wasn't only Jordie. They were also under some kind of spell too. There's no real way to trust in it, outside of the erotic dream portion he'll keep with him.

"No one knows you better than me, not even you. So trust me, sweetheart. You'll get there."

[open] screw this life of crowded loneliness

Free Cities

Horizon

hello! hope you don't mind a random horizon visit for kaz? c:

hi! absolutely not. love it.

yay wonderful!

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Nocwich

it's about time these two run into each other

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For Jesper

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Let's wrap on this one!