abraxaslogs | ( open + closed ) this world is gonna end

We were a team when everything went to shit.

[ Her and Rocket, she means. She decides to not say he's family - not because he isn't... But even with whatever complication there is with everything, it's not something she wants to say to Cassian yet. She's not sure Rocket would approve either. ]

[ Her mouth twitches. ]

My sister tried to kill me first. Many times. [ She's quick to amend that - Which is truth enough. It had just ended with Nebula being the one going for killing blows more. ] It's not that strange.

[ No, it is strange, but she feels the defensive pinprickle to say opposite. ] She didn't give me a choice.

...Not killing your sister many times isn't strange?

[ The talking tree he can handle, but it's apparently not quite normative sibling interactions is what really causes him to stumble. Space can only prepare you for so much.

Then again there's plenty of context that he's missing and he knows that. He doesn't know Nebula's history, nor can he assume that anything he knew of her god-like self has an ounce of truth because they hadn't been quite themselves in that dream. In an attempt to wipe the judgement from his voice he lets out a quiet breath as the kitten chows down on the next treat, nipping at his fingers. That has to be on purpose he suspects. ]

I'm sure you have your reasons. It's just not very often you hear someone say as much.

[ Clearly it's a bit of a sore subject, and he's not the sort to press that type of thing. Or rather, he knows there's a time and place for it. Now doesn't seem like the time unless she chooses to offer it up on her own accord. ]

Before everything went to shit - does that mean arriving here? Or was it something in your galaxy?

[ Nebula's breath comes out her nostrils in one fierce blow - it's not a snort, but it's close enough. She knows now that their attempts to kill each other wasn't normal. Hell, she knew then. For every time she tried to desperately please their father and every time she'd hoped for her sister's hand only to be left to suffer. It wasn't normal, but for them there had been nothing more normal than the violence of their relationship. ]

It was how we were raised. [ A beat, with more forcefulness. ] It was all we knew.

[ Her mouth clenched. ] Our Father had us fight each other in battle. Every day. For scraps, for sleep. It didn't matter, only honing us as weapons. And having us act as sisters would not do, so he made sure we never would. Whoever lost would get a part of them replaced to perfect them - make them stronger in battle.

That's what he called it.

[ She does not say the word was torture. She does not say that she was the one who lost most often. It doesn't matter, he can infer as much. She just shrugs, like she's not sure what to say. ]

We were his weapons and his goal was to destroy half of the universe. "When things went to shit," means he succeeded by killing my sister. Rocket and I were the only ones left.

Edited 2024-08-16 04:10 (UTC)

[ Nebula's blunt honesty comes as some of a surprise to him. Pasts, in his experience, are rarely easy things to talk about. Everyone had something that had caused hurt and left scars and everyone coped with them accordingly. For some reason, Nebula's straight forward, somewhat removed delivery, makes sense for her.

Regardless of how she would have said it he listens intently because something like this deserves nothing less. Even as he hazards a hand out towards the kitten without a treat his attention is more focused on her words than whether or not his new pet is going to lash out at him (again). ]

I'm sorry.

[ Words do nothing to help soothe the past and he knows that but it's worth saying - for her losses, for the treatment of she and her sister. There's a beat before he finds himself offering up something else he hadn't shared with anyone here. ]

Children shouldn't have to fight. It makes us stronger in the end though in some ways.

[ Nebula has no other way to deliver it. By now, she's accepted that her childhood was wrong. She understands - always knew - things could have been different. It wasn't and that experience was hers alone. Even Gamora could not say she was raised exactly like her. She chooses to watch him interact with the kitten, who moves to butt its head as she says gruffly: ]

I didn't say it for you to apologize.

[ The words come out in a tuff enough that the kitten jumps a little before choosing to hide behind Cassian's hand. Her tone has that certain edge, "apologies do nothing, especially from someone uninvolved".

Her fingers curl tighter and she looks away. ]

No, they shouldn't. [ She hears the 'us' does not demand an answer because whatever his story is is his to tell - his own terms. ] But it's only a fool who thinks the world treats the youngest kindly. Too many children suffer before they can grow.

I didn't say it thinking that you did.

[ The kitten choosing to hide behind Cassian is something he hadn't expected, but after his initial hesitation he scoops it up, holding them close to his chest as he makes his way over to the other side of the bench to sit down. One more treat shouldn't hurt right? Especially if it was feeling skittish. ]

Or they have to grow up faster than they should in order to survive.

[ As he offers one more treat to the kitten it busies itself gnawing on it contentedly in his lap for what he hopes will be the next little while. Meanwhile he knows that a part of him is speaking about himself. But mostly he's thinking about his sister who is out there somewhere in the galaxy trying to survive on her own. ]

At home, I chose to fight but there were other factors that forced me to. And I would still choose to do it if it means protecting others who can't.

[ Instead he's here, trying to befriend a kitten that is only tolerating him because he's got a bag of treats. ]

[ Nebula chooses to say nothing immediately, watching and stewing instead. She doesn't move when Cassian picks up the kitten or comes to sit nearby, which is as good a sign as any. Leaning forward she presses elbows to her knees as she rolls her shoulders. ]

It's both. It's always both, they don't get a choice.

[ They suffer and grow up too fast. Who they could have been becomes warped and the person uglier than they'd have been if they didn't know the pain. They feel they might not ever escape - Or perhaps it was just her. Who'd lived under those same conditions until well under her adulthood. ]

[ She listens, swallowing. At least he made a choice, it's better than her siblings ever had (then she did). Or at least, he believes he had a choice, and she wonders if that's any better. ]

Yes.

[ If it means protecting a life or preventing children from saving her own fate - she would fight and fight again. That's what it means. ] Rather or not we were meant to be, we were made warriors. [ Guardians. ] Because of that, we can make sure someone else never has to be.

[ Nebula isn't wrong. It is both. But he's never framed his circumstances as suffering. He couldn't. He didn't want to think of himself as a victim at the hands of the Empire's ruthless grab for power. Despite it being the truth, giving the Empire more credit - more power - than they were due, is something every cell in his body railed against. That isn't to say that he looks down on those who have suffered, who do see it that way.

Just because someone was a victim of some wrong didn't mean they couldn't rise against it. But sometimes they needed to be reminded of that.

His eyes slowly move from the kitten in his lap towards Nebula, understanding in his expression. The corners of his lips quirk some at his own expense. ]

I wouldn't call myself a warrior. [ Or a mercenary, or a rebel. At least not yet. Months haven't seemed to change his mindset. ] But you're right.

{ There's a pause before he speaks up again, sincerity in his voice. ]

Your galaxy is lucky to have someone like you looking out for others.

[ For her sake, because that's what it is, Nebula keeps her attention facing forward. She knows now, that her eyes give far more about what she thinks than she'd like. Looking at him, means giving away more than she feels and she's already given too much of that way today. This damned day (it's not just him). ]

Don't worry; You don't look like much of a warrior.

[ So she agrees, in a rough fashion that is as much mocking as it is teasing, he isn't a warrior. Maybe she's not a warrior anymore either - forced to live as one for as long as she had. She wants to be something different, the idea solid in her mind. ]

[ When he continues, Nebula stiffens. Really, what was with this goddamned day? The denial wraps around her like the deathgrip of a snake. He barely knows the story. He doesn't even know how many people she's helped kill without ever looking back. She's to blame - ]

[ And yet.

And yet it's the part of her that has tried so desperately to let go. To move forward, to be something more that feels at peace. As much at peace as she can as she swallows it down and finds the only words she can muster: ]

I'm trying to be someone they can look to.

[ There's a wry bark from him that is the closest thing that most anyone will get to a laugh. He had walked himself right into that one. But not only that, he can pick out the teasing amidst the mocking. It should be a surprise considering how Nebula's tone errs on the side of sharp and blunt. But maybe he can pick it out because of the time they had spent together as gods.

For some reason that thought is more comforting than he expects it to be even as he watches her stiffen at what he says.

A part of him waits for her to protest and a part of him readies to tell her that he means what he says in spite of whether or not it was something she was ready to hear or not. But then she doesn't. His lips lift at the corners, softening the expression on his face. ]

I think you're on your way to that.

[ And that's of course when the still yet to be named kitten mews. Cassian's gaze flits down towards the creature in his lap. ]

He thinks so too.

[ She still wants to protest. The galaxy still deserves more - better. So does Knowhere. She barely knows what she's doing and she's certain they have every right to hate her - especially the ones she personally effected. ]

[ Her mouth twitches. And she shakes her head. ]

No. I will never make up for what I've done.

[ Said solidly, before she eyes the cat and tries, quickly, to change topic: ]

Got a name for it?

[ Her conviction and certainty to what she's done in the past only further convinces him of what he's told her already. Maybe that's biased of him in some way. His opinion is based on their interactions which extends to some degree from their time in the dream. But what he knows now, what he understands, were circumstances out of her control. She shouldn't have to punish herself for things that had happened in the past and feel like they're what define her. What matters most, he thinks, is how she chooses to live her life now going forward.

The irony of that thought doesn't dawn on him in how similar their mindsets are. But before he can say more or attempt to dissuade her from that, she's moved on. ]

No, not yet.

[ To be honest he isn't even certain that he's suited to keep the kitten when it can barely stand to look at him. Wryly he casts a glance towards her. ]

Do you think calling it "Cat" would be a bad idea?

[ The best part is: She has no ability to judge rather or not he's a good pet person. As long as it's fed and its needs met that's all that matters??? Which is a good thing, because it means that her judgement can go full force into his naming scheme: ]

Would you call a human "Human"?

[ A beat and added: ] They're not an it.

[ Fair enough. ]

Him. And no.

[ But then again a cat isn't a human and he can't particularly imagine that the kitten will care whether or not he's given a name at the end of the day so long as he's given a good home. ]

Do you have suggestions?

[ Because he obviously doesn't have any. ]

Him.

[ She agrees without a fight. She's not even sure she was told the gender, but he got the point. "Him" not "it". ]

[ She raises a brow: ]

Does it look like I've ever named anything?

[ His lips twitch slightly in amusement, getting a strange ghost of a feeling like this was the dynamic they'd had as gods. The familiarity, real or not, is nice. ]

Does naming something have a particular look?

[ What does someone who names something even look like?

The nameless kitten yawns before he settles quietly into Cassian's lap. As much as he'd caused him grief, Cassian can't help but quietly admit that he's cute. ]

He doesn't seem bothered without a name for now. Maybe I can think on it.

[ His eyes skip back towards her. ]

If you think of anything, let me know. I'm open to names.

Yes.

[ She says abruptly and quickly, but offers no further elaboration on. The "particular look," could easily be taken as someone not her. But... it's Himeka who flashes into her mind. Himeka and her easy, overflowing excitement for life. Certainly, someone like her would have named many things and insisted on it.

Or the Doctor. Hewas most insistent on the meaning behind a name. ]

[ She breathes as she stands to stretch. ]

It's a cat. Most likely you could just call it Dumb Cat and it would accept it as a name. Names are more for you than them.

[ He asks - again - or suggests she try and she glances at man and cat. Lips purses in consideration as if she might actually try to think of a name. All she can think of is how, once, she thought Milano was a stupid name for a ship and lacked intimidation. What kind of name did a cat even have? ]

( open + closed ) this world is gonna end

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ARU I'M SORRY THIS GOT EATEN IN MY INBOX

Re: ARU I'M SORRY THIS GOT EATEN IN MY INBOX

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