abraxaslogs | [open/closed] but I ignore things and I move sideways

"That was his argument too." Jesper shrugs. "It's not like I was bloodthirsty, I just have to remember to kneecap." Jesper handily dealt with it and no one had to die for it. He really isn't someone who seeks out drowning in blood. The only time he did it and truly enjoyed it, it was when they were all captured by the cult and he needed to let out his pain somehow. Generally it's not smart to murder recklessly in Ketterdam either.

"They'll probably get it back up and running eventually, but not for a while. Long enough for us to keep trying to find a way out of Thorne." Jesper has not given up on this. It's been years of him swearing he was going to get his lovers out, and he is determined, he is stubborn. He will find a way even if it takes them becoming gods to do it.

He reaches over to take Wilhelm's hand, running his thumb over his knuckles affectionately. "How are you, sweetheart? Outside of the obvious."

He forces a smile as Jesper brings up his plan to one day liberate them all from Thorne. Truthfully, he isn't sure that he wants to go. In the days following Sidwell's coup, when so much was up in the air, Wilhelm had considered fleeing to Nott, but...then the dust settled, and in the castle he stayed. Besides, moving to Nott is one thing; leaving Thorne altogether is another. He would miss his courier route, and his favorite hidden spots in the gardens, and the beach in Borrel.

When Jesper takes his hand, his smile relaxes into something more natural. He curls his pinky around Jesper's to keep him there.

"I'm...okay, I guess."

Outside of the obvious. But once you remove from consideration the weight of Kell's disappearance, and the way it compounds the crater of loneliness left by Kelson's absence, there isn't much left.

"Keeping myself busy. I expanded business into Borrel, so I've been making bank. Next time we can actually see each other, I'm going to treat you, and there's nothing you can do about it."

Jesper will drag his lovers kicking and screaming out of Thorne if he has to. He trusts this king even less than the last one and now that they're at war, there's no stopping the Free Cities and Solvunn from demolishing them. It's going to get very ugly, of that he's certain, and he'd rather the Summoned stay out of it. And bide their time until they can escape. Where to, he has no idea still, but that will continue to be his plan. If only making their own commune was a viable option. It was the pipe dream of Inej that they knew was impossible, but still.

"Oh really, well I'm not going to fight that, sweetheart. I'll be duly impressed. Maybe you can buy me something pretty." Jesper laughs and kisses his knuckles. He loves Wilhelm so deeply, he's one of his dearest friends, and he does hate to see him so sad. Weighted down by loss after loss. Jesper's had plenty his own but he is someone who shrugs off pain a lot quicker than most. He wouldn't want everyone to act as he does.

"I think the government's finally caught me on my powers." This is not the best reason to smile out there, he has few, but Jesper sighs. As Wilhelm knows, this has been one of his fears from the start, that the army would catch him. They have, or at least know where to look. "I'm still negotiating what that might mean, but it could mean I get even richer, which is nice."

And that's why, when he feels like he's drowning in loneliness, he turns to Jesper. There's something unsinkable about Jesper. Sitting beside him, joined by the hinge of their hands, Wilhelm feels like he's borrowing some of that strength. He hopes that he can do the same for his friend — make him feel like he's not so alone. Even someone like him needs the reminder every once in a while.

Alarm flashes across his face, worry chasing away the soft smile that had begun to settle there. He wraps both of his hands around Jesper's.

"But...aren't they going to force you to make weapons and stuff for the war?"

That's what Jesper feared the most, becoming a tool for others to wield. Losing any degree of the freedom that seemed to sing in his bones and blood.

"That's what I was afraid of," he confirms. "It seems they'd negotiate for armor instead. For the corecloth I can make." It's decent armor, decent in ways they don't have their hands on right now. It won't be perfect but combine it with some of what they have, and it would keep more of their troops alive for certain. It's something he can live with, reluctantly.

Jesper sighs and drinks deeply. He's troubled of course, this was basically his fear for two and a half years. "I did this to myself. I've been making too much of it, and started lining some of my fashion with it for our new brand. We were trying to help people look good and also be ... safer." And a little bit didn't seem like a big deal. Like the protection enchantments Hilda were doing. Innocent, right? Except it adds up when it comes to him.

"But I think it's only a matter of time. I'm still shocked they haven't made us help them but ... I can feel the noose." A rope around his neck to make him a true captive. There are ways they can persuade him. They can threaten his friends, his business, Mag's inn, make it impossible to say no.

Wilhelm drinks deeply too in commiseration with Jesper. Between the two of them, there isn't nearly enough good news to go around. Scooting in closer, he loops his arm through Jesper's and lays his head on his shoulder.

"So much for the Free Cities," he mutters.

That was another thing dampening his enthusiasm for Jesper's daring scheme to get his loved ones out of Thorne. He doubts his freedom would have that much more room to grow. As far as he can tell, he would just be a cherished pet for a different government, coerced to do what those in power ultimately want him to do. And he'd have to pay for everything on his own.

He knows Jesper's heart is in the right place, but...

"What will you do?"

Jesper lays his head on top of Wilhelm's. He didn't mean to bring the conversation down, he likes to be light and cheerful for Wilhelm whenever possible, but sometimes this is how life is. And they've come to a point in their relationship where it's better to let Wilhelm know who he is, not just the smiling rogue.

"I've never been free, pigeon. Not anywhere I've been." Jesper's always been wanted for his abilities, he's always been under threat of being a tool more than a person. It's why he's been paranoid from the start here. But at the same time, he doesn't wish he was born anyone other than himself. His powers were a curse but they were his.

As for getting them out of Thorne, well, his intention is that he can protect Mat and Wilhelm better when they're with him. But frankly, Jesper's intention has been from the beginning to find a way to get them all out of the territories they're stuck in. He's been eying every new culture they're allowed into, wondering if there is ever a chance for refuge status. There's no promise they're magically better, but they didn't start the kidnapping. He'd put his luck in with them. But he'd need his lovers to be with him before the escape, at least they'd be together.

"I'll probably do it. Armor isn't the worst option." It's not as if Jesper cares deeply about the troops, but that's a small ask. "Until they make me create weapons, I can live with it."

While it hurts to see Jesper so disquieted, it's nice to know that he's allowed to see what else is behind the dangerously charming smile, the carefree attitude that turns everything startlingly light. Jesper can trust him with the heavy things. God knows Wilhelm has dumped his problems in his lap a million times. The conversation may be sagging under the weight of their troubles, but there's something about being gloomy together that makes it easier to bear.

I've never been free, pigeon. He sits with that for a long moment, tracing the line of Jesper's forearm down to his hand. He knows what it's like to feel caged by the circumstances of your birth.

"I get it. Back home, my family dictated pretty much everything about my life. My whole future was already decided for me. I felt like I was trapped in a life I didn't even want, stuck being someone that wasn't even really me. I know that things aren't perfect in Thorne, not even close, but...I have choices now, and I never had that before."

At least, he felt like he couldn't make the choices that he wanted. The walls of his cage had felt insurmountable.

Chuckling softly into Jesper's shoulder, he adds, "Hey, maybe I need to swoop in and rescue you."

"That's what it was like for Wylan, before his father tried to kill him. It's too bad you didn't get a chance to know one another better, none of us really understood the situation he came from." Because they were all poor or lower class, or in Nina's case trapped in the Grisha army, so the upper class expectations of their children were unknown to them. Wylan always felt a little on the outside of the Crows because of that, despite Jesper trying to assure him he was one of them.

Then again, Jesper was the first person to tell him he wasn't one of them in the start, so it was his problem to rectify. But he doesn't miss Wylan only for himself. It's easier to bring him up now that the pain of losing him has lessened. Somewhere Wylan is back with a Jesper of his own, he'll be fine.

"Only if it's on the way to Nocwich. I'd take the Fey or the Nether too." Jesper thinks any of them would be better. None of them have started to Summon too, so he figures he'd like them a little more because of it. Jesper's too dangerous to have in Thorne. He'd hate it so much and then he'd try to assassinate the King and Queen. He can't be trusted, he's too impulsive.

"It sucks the Fey have never come back. They knew how to have quite a fun time."

Oh, he's well aware that unleashing Jesper on Thorne could only end in some kind of international incident. Fortunately, he's all talk. He doesn't even know where he'd begin with putting together a plot like that.

Wilhelm tips back more of the dark amber liquor, sloshing a bit on himself due to the angle at which he slumps against Jesper. Now it's for Wylan too, who could have been a good friend if they'd had enough time. That's the thing, you never know when you're going to run out of time — and yet, when he does run out, it always smashes into him by surprise.

"You would fit in perfectly in the Feywilds."

He sits up straighter, still leaning into Jesper's space. With gentle concentration, he traces the pointed tip of Jesper's ear. It's cute, the shape of his ears. Another gift from the Singularity, like the golden freckles splashed across his own face. Suddenly, unbidden, he remembers kissing these ears, breathing hotly and heavily against them in that shared dream where they were gods. His fingers flutter down the side of Jesper's neck.

"I know! I loved it there. And now I have a permanent reminder."

Jesper puts an arm around him since he slumps into him. He always tries to physically reassure Wilhelm as much as possible. His poor pigeon. He's had a time of it lately. Jesper smiles as Wilhelm touches his pointed ears. They're sensitive, something he's learned from experience, mostly because he never had them before. So it feels different, unique. He's had to hide them thanks to Astarion's recommendation, not wanting to stand out when it comes to Cadens.

He knows a shift in the air. Jesper's an expert. He also knows Wilhelm extremely well after two years of being with him, off and on, and he gives plenty of signals that Jesper can read. They stopped being physical when Kelson entered the picture and Jesper respectfully went back to friends only during that time, and he hasn't tried anything with Wilhelm since he left either. It's all Wille's choice.

But he does arch an eyebrow at him and smile, reaching up to caress fingers against those pretty freckles, a mirror of Wilhelm's action with his ears, and just as personal.

It was in this booth, almost exactly two years ago, that they kissed for the first time. The memory of it blooms in the dark of his mind as Jesper traces the constellations of his freckles. So much has happened since then that Wilhelm can't be the same boy anymore, and yet a part of him still is. He came to Jesper that day because he couldn't stand being by himself — because in the aftermath of Thorne and Cadens exchanging fire, he was being crushed under the weight of his own thoughts. He wanted to forget everything. To slip outside of himself.

Today, he's lonely again. He still misses Kelson. He thinks that a little part of him will always love Kelson, the way a flower, cut in its prime, can be pressed and preserved behind glass. It's not as sharp anymore, the missing. The waves of it, which once crashed over his head and stole his breath away, come in less violently. They're fewer and farther between.

Wilhelm didn't plan it this way, but it feels right. As if something has shifted into place, slowly and then all at once.

He sets down his drink to glide his fingers down the edges of Jesper's jaw. The look he lifts to him holds a question. And then there's a breath of laughter fluttering from his lips as he remembers how, when Jesper had asked if he was interested in kissing him, he'd stupidly answered, Really? Like right now?

So leaning in, he nestles a kiss against his lips.

Jesper is thinking about their first time two years ago when Wilhelm kisses him and it feels like slipping into the most comfortable clothing you can find. Easy, casual, right. He didn't mind Wilhelm using him as a distraction from his worries all that time ago and that hasn't changed now either. He loves Wilhelm, he's one of his best friends, and whatever they are to each other, that affection never wavers or changes. Hundreds of years from now they will make love against a tree and it'll feel this natural then too.

Jesper makes a very graceful quick move and straddles Wilhelm's lap, getting right into his space quickly. He tips Wille's head back and kisses him deeply, dedicated to being the kind of distraction his friend so desperately needs sometimes. Not that he doesn't get everything he needs out of it too. It's always good between them. His tongue explores his mouth, never taking it for granted when he gets the chance.

"I missed your taste, pigeon." He keeps Wilhelm's head tipped back by curling fingers into his hair and kisses his cheek, his neck. He smells him, nipping on his skin lightly. Jesper does miss his lovers when they aren't with him. He adores them. He likes to show all of his heart to them whenever possible, and holding back even a little is difficult. Wille's the only person who has ever asked him to.

"Are you sure about this?"

And just like that, they go from wading to plunging. It's been so long since he kissed anyone — the months ooze into an epoch in his mind — that, for a second, he worries that he's forgotten how it goes. But his body remembers. His lips remember the way Jesper's move against them, pouring kisses into him like honey, and they answer in kind. His hands serpentine up Jesper's back, sneaking underneath his jacket to trace the ridges of his shoulder blades.

There's a corner of his heart, of course, that wishes it were Kelson. Comfortable in his lap and kissing him without even a thread of the inhibition that always snapped taut eventually.

But when his eyes flutter open, he's glad too that it's Jesper. His friend, who has been by his side through it all, who has steadied him and harbored him. His hands spread down Jesper's sides to hold his hips.

"Yeah... I'm sure." It's not just the loneliness aching in his chest, or the liquor warming his ribs either. "I'm ready now."

To make peace with the fact that he would never see Kelson again. To take another step forward, leaving behind him the slip of time they shared and moving toward a someday where, who knows, he might find others who chip away his loneliness.

"You know I adore you in whatever way I can, but I do like to adore you in all the ways I can." Jesper smiles at him. He knows this isn't easy because it means Wilhelm's giving up on some things that he cared about, but Kelson will never leave him, not really. People stay in the heart, just as the many Jesper's lost will. This at least will always be familiar for them.

He gets to his feet and offers Wilhelm a hand up. While he could shut all the doors in here so it's only the two of them, there's really no need when his Horizon home is 20 feet away, and it has a very nice bed for them to enjoy. "Let me take all your troubles away for a time, yeah?" It's what he's good at, and good for, and he never fails to offer it those he loves.

[open/closed] but I ignore things and I move sideways

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been a bad week I'm back

<3

Let's wrap on this one, we can do something in the event!