( closed ) this year taught me how it feels to be lost and ambitious

[diametrically]

Who: Cassian & various
When: September to October
Where: Around Thorne and the Horizon
What: Catch-all for September and October
Warnings: N/A, will update accordingly

🌌 💫 🌃
( closed starters below! ↓ reach out on discord @ cardialloyed for plotting! )

Comments

i love this sm and ilu so much OKAY

[diametrically]

[ Had his god self not been on the receiving end of Serenity's magic more times than he can count, it's possible he would be immediately overwhelmed with the feeling of magic surging through River's body into his mind. But before he can really contemplate and understand what exactly is happening or that River has been touched, changed, forever by their time as gods his vision is not his own.

Brown eyes give way to black, fathomless voids that swirl with stardust and limitless possibility at the end of their dream. For a moment that feels like it spans an eternity he is lifted above the crippling guilt that weighs heavy on his shoulders. River's voice plays like an overlay over the moments of his life that have led him to this moment. And while all of those moments have been turned over in his mind over and over again like a wound he refuses to let heal this time he's dull to the pain of a life lived, of mistakes made, of loved ones lost.

He feels outside his body. The only certain thing tethering him here to this bed and this room is the warm weight of River's forehead against her chest and the words she weaves around his heart. Though gentle they are said with such conviction and force that it makes it impossible for him to object no matter how much he wants to. Cassian wants to tell her that he isn't drowning. He has never thought himself of drowning because he can swim. He's always survived, just like how he's been fine with just well enough. Even with his tank on empty he has gone on and found a way to make things work because there had been no other choice.

Who would look after Maarva after Clem was gone? Who would earn the credits for her medication? Who would fix Bee when his routers and wheels were jammed? Who made sure to watch Bix and Brasso's backs when they were so busy looking after everyone else? Who would search for Kerri when no one else remembered her except him?

That he is stuck in limbo, like a man lost in time and space, is unforgivable. It doesn't matter that the fault does not lie with him or that time would march on the moment he returned to his galaxy. It is unforgivable because now he's lived a life here, forged connections with others lost in time and space and he cares. He cares so deeply for the faces that River's magic manifests in his mind's eye that a part of him will always remember them even when they find a way home. How dare they do this to them all?

It's impossible to think of those things however. To think of the end when River's magic gently and firmly shakes the guilt, the sorrow, and the anger away, burning it off until nothing else remains but love. Because what is worry if not that? Love persists in spite of it all. A lump begins to form in his throat and his grip around her tightens as the last of the magic and faces loosen their grip on his heart. Black gives way to brown eyes as a soft, dim glow begins to pulse from his veins. There's a dampness at the corners of his eyes but it's not clear he realizes it himself as he presses his face to her hair.

Moments pass in silence as the weight of River's words settle on his heart. Hard truths are difficult things to accept overnight let alone in a moment but he knows that she's right. ]

I don't think I deserve it. But I can work on accepting it. For them. For you.

[ Gently he presses a kiss to her hair mingled with the taste of salt, stardust and words of affection that he can't bring himself to say. ]

Thank you, mèi mei.