{The silhouette against the wall

[shadowthief]

Who: Inej + Various
When: Month of August
Where: Cadens + the Horizon
What: Various closed threads
Warnings: Things that might come up in Inej's narration are: stealing; murder; descriptions of touch aversion, anxiety, depression, PTSD; heavy trust issues, paranoia; mentions of past instances of prostitution, slavery, sexual assault. Everything will be clearly marked if-when it comes up.

Shifting through the dark

Lit up by the white moon

Comments

[itookashot]

Jesper is such an affectionate person and he was honored when he could tell the shift with Inej happened, when she leaned into his touches openly and with trust. He and Nina were very good at that, and also good at reading other people and their needs.

"Are you hearing this?" He glances toward Inej, raising an eyebrow. Amused but playacting as incredulous. "Apparently we should be gaining something. What do you think I should ask for? I can make all my own shiny things." He's joking because it's tense and here and he thinks Kaz's tendency to think only in terms of what people get in trade is something he needs to break the habit of.

"That's just me being an ass because the only gain I'm interested in is being your friend." He holds Inej's hand but reaches out to pat Kaz's arm, fully over fabric so he doesn't have to worry about skin. "I don't think of it as a burden to help you build up a tolerance to touch so you aren't so stressed about it. It's not like you're asking for my firstborn."

[shadowthief]

"I think your own patience with yourself will run much thinner, much quicker, than either of ours will," she points out simply enough.

She can't stop the amused grin on her face at the faux incredulity in Jesper's voice. "I think sometimes he forgets we've already chosen him," she answers him, her own tone far more of a betrayal to the already-obvious joke the Zemeni boy was making.

"Can you imagine? Kaz...with a baby?" Inej grins again, looking back over at him. It isn't a cruel thing, nor even a mocking one, she simply can't imagine it, not at this moment.

[bealufull]

He is listening and he's trying to see things through their eyes. He just can't see it because he knows they are much easier to endure than he is. If only that he's worked very hard to make himself hard to deal with. It's all part of who he is to keep people at arm's distance.

And yet, here they are. Close and personal. Whatever walls he had thought he'd had in place all those years, he obviously hadn't put them in their way. Except now, he isn't sure what to do with it all. Or how to handle it.

"What makes you believe you didn't sign that over long ago?"

He says it entirely flat, dead pan, actually making a joke.

"And I get this is easy for you both, apparently, but I'm not sure how to handle it or what it all means. Working for me is not easy..." By his own design. "How am I supposed to accept that you would want to endure putting up with a man most have gone out of their way to avoid?"

It sounds like a smart ass question but in truth its quite serious and he means every word.

[itookashot]

"It's true, I never read the fine print in our contract."

This is both funny and absolutely true. Jesper pretended to look at it because he was impatient and didn't care about things like that. Kaz dragged him out of a dangerous situation and gave him a purpose, he genuinely didn't care about the details, he was happy to be where he was.

Jesper knows they're still all joking a little bit because this entire situation is awkward and they're finding their own way to get around it. He is definitely still taking in the information and what it means, but he glances at Inej again after that question. The two of them have even more of a secret language than they used to these days, considering they've been here for months, relying on one another and living together.

"I think you're going to have to trust us. Like you already do and have. You trust that we're smart and capable and know what we want and you can't talk us out of it."

The three of them have always been a unit for a reason. It required real trust. This is just a continuation of that.

[shadowthief]

“I wouldn’t say it’s easy, but most things worth doing never are.” She lets her fingers squeeze gently, a light pressure against his leg where her hand still sits. “You don’t have to have all the answers right now.

“You’re still looking at this like a transaction,” she shakes her head. “It is not an exchange of goods and money, emotions are not that easy to place in boxes and trade around.”

“I may have left The Menagerie on the coattails of the safety I knew you could guarantee, but I have not stayed for that alone. I’ve already chosen you… why should it change simply because we actually put it into real words?”

[bealufull]

"I don't want easy. When have any of our lives ever been easy."

What he wants is to know where the landmines are. The landmines that he himself has imposed. They aren't really there but he expects them, as with so much else, and so he's not sure how to think about things without thinking about that as well.

"Well sometimes I think you're both fools," he points out. "That you're still with me, but I am glad for that."

It's more than he's admitted to most, and certainly being honest in ways he never has before but they deserve that, even if they'll tell him he's wrong... or worse, they might agree.

"Because I'm not certain how to put it into the words you both may need, or to give you what you need. I've encouraged you to take the world by the throat and take everything you want and need... trying that with me may not get you what you want."

He needs to be clear, to know. Already he's feel more emotions openly than he ever has, and he knows how easily this could all destroy him if it goes wrong.

"I swore once never to let anyone in close enough that they could destroy me... yet here we are."

It's a dangerous admission in his mind, giving them that power, but it's what he can offer where he stands in that moment.

[itookashot]

"Fine, we're all fools. That shouldn't be a surprise."

They're all very smart people who are also very stupid sometimes. It's honestly how the Crows work. Genius and foolishness all at once. Jesper isn't concerned, not really, it's the three of them, everything will work itself out. If he can help Kaz get used to touch enough that he and Inej can kiss without the passing our part, great. It means he'll help his friends, and that's all he's ever really cared about. Not to mention it'll get Kaz to open up in general, like he is now, and that only means good things.

"Saints, Kaz, there's no need to rush things. We'll take all of it slowly. You don't need to have it all figured out today. We're not going anywhere."

Jesper squeezes his arm reassuringly. This is one of those times when him being emotionally intelligent can come in handy. Truth is, they might not always be around, any of them could disappear, so living for today is important, but it's already a win that Kaz explained himself at all.

[shadowthief]

“Then you must be one along with us,” she says, words as bright as her smile. He cannot steal from her the thing he’s handed them this night with any amount of dour mood. These confessions, these promises, they are things beyond anything she might ever have dared hope to gain from him. And that is worth everything.

Inej shakes her head. “Aren’t you listening to a word either of us has said? Stop trying to hold every answer in your hand right this second. You can’t— you don’t even know all of the questions yet.” She’s amused more than annoyed, really. It’s bewildering to watch him try to handle emotions as though they are equations, things easily swayed and understood with enough logic pressed into them.

All sense of teasing or gentle playfulness leaves her at his last admission. It makes her heart leap into her throat to hear it— not in the traditional words, perhaps, but it’s as good as an ‘I love you’ from someone like Kaz. Maybe more.

“Moj hjerte je tvoje—” the words come in her native tongue first but she translates on the heels of it, “my heart is yours.” It had already been for quite some time now, it’s only different now because he seems more keen to accept it, even if he does not understand it.

[bealufull]

"No. Absolutely not. You're both speaking nonsense and I'm the only one with common sense amongst us," he says. It's not sharp or biting but rather the words of a taunt, of defenses and emotions he isn't sure what to do with. It's how he's always spoken to them, even when things weren't fraught with confusion as they are now.

"And it's not rushing. It's refusing not to have answers. Not the same."

It's entirely the same but it's also just who Kaz is. He's never wanted to wait. He's never given things time. He's found solutions to problems and put plans into motion. Logically he ever knows how to set things into motion here. He's just not sure how to actually do it. Not for himself.

He falls quiet, considering their words. He wants to be able to say what they need, to try and give them all that they might want and he's not sure how to do it. Especially with those words from Inej, in her own tongue and then theirs.

"If I believed I had a heart, I would say the same," he finally murmurs. "I just have to try and rebuild it. Because you're both worth that."

[itookashot]

"No, I think for once you're being the greater fool."

Jesper replies with a roll of his eyes. Which is a fun position to be in, since he's typically fulfilling that role with good-tempered spirit. Kaz has so much pride so this is going to be an uphill battle and he knows that, but he is genuinely not concerned. They're on a path. Jesper's always trusted himself to just push through things and win out in the end. It's his way.

He glances toward Inej when she says that and it's a little startling to be in on a conversation with the two of them that is this intimate and personal. He is used to being their third wheel in many ways, and it's never bothered him, and if he didn't know Inej he would feel that he was in the wrong place right then. But she speaks from the heart in her own way, just as he does.

"Kaz, if you didn't have a heart, you wouldn't be here saying these things. You really need to be kinder to yourself. I know kindness isn't a trait you put much stock in, but it's a healing one, when used correctly." It was one of the things Jesper loved about Wylan, his insanely kind once-love. His father also has it in spades, albeit in slightly more rough ways at times.

[shadowthief]

She won't fight on him on the similarities between 'rushing' and 'refusing not to have answers'. For now. He can have that, if he really thinks he needs it.

She scoffs at that declaration. "Oh, you can't fool us on that one. We've already seen your heart. Harder to crack than even the most secure safe, perhaps, but it exists." And guides him, so much more than he'll ever admit.

"We'll be fine," she gently squeezes Jesper's fingers in her own, and Kaz's leg under her other hand. "the lot of us have been through too much together for this to be what becomes our ruin."