abraxaslogs | [open] september/october catchall

Instead of arguing, Viktor lets out a long-suffering sigh to indicate to Jayce that he's made his point. Yes, they can go home. For now, anyway, and only because Viktor increasingly feels like he's actually reached his limit. Jayce's fingers catch in his hair and he wrinkles his nose at the pull. Not painful, just a reminder that they could both use a wash.

He should get up, and actually make good on the promise of going home, but he finds it nice, just to sit. Jayce's story gives him a good excuse to do just that, and the thought of Dean being so angry about having his life saved makes him laugh. Just a little.

"Somehow I think he'll get over it." He'd better get over it. "He should be thanking you."

Jayce decides to stay kneeling because he always feels better when he's in Viktor's orbit. It's not as if he has to care about his clothes, they're dirty as it is. He leans his head down onto Viktor's shoulder and breathes easier, sliding an arm around his back and pretty much giving him a light hug. This has all been terrible and while he's kept sane, he is taking this quiet moment to recalibrate everything.

"Oh he was grateful, just freaked out. I'll check in on him later. I wasn't far because we'd been out with Nadine and Jo getting people out of buildings." Jayce has been all over the place today, so it's no wonder he's basically fading in energy. He closes his eyes and rests his head on Viktor's shoulder, content for a moment.

"What about you, love? How are you?" Outside of the obvious fact that he is not doing well physically, they both know that. Jayce wants to check in before they get their things together and try to drag themselves home.

Viktor doesn't pull back from the embrace and just lets it happen, figuring this is just as much for Jayce's benefit as it is his own. The physical contact is grounding, and he finds himself lingering in the moment, even though the two of them are supposed to be heading back to the portal.

"He was lucky, then." That Jayce was so close, and that most of his healing skills involve the respiratory system. Speaking of--he wants to tell Jayce that he's fine, but they both know he isn't. Physically, emotionally. It's all too much, and Viktor is succumbing to his own limits.

"I may have overdone it."

"He was. And that Ciri was with him, who happens to know a healer well-versed in lungs." That's why he was the first person she reached out for, outside of the fact he was there with Sephiroth too, as soon as she needed it. That trust has been built between all of them, and he's glad for it.

"We both have." So Viktor doesn't feel like he's alone in it. Jayce kisses him gently and then finally moves to stand, taking the crutch with him and offering Viktor a hand up instead. He is an easier weight to lean against in these moments. His healing of Viktor will make it better to go back than it would have been a few minutes ago, at least.

"We are going home and immediately getting clean." It would be good for Viktor's muscles to get hot water on them and for him to rest. Jayce could also use that, but his first thought is for his partner.

Viktor lets out a noise that might be a laugh, though there's a definite bitter undercurrent to it. Ciri knows that Jayce is a healer because Viktor is unwell, and her own experiences on the receiving end of the magic likely colored her split-second decision. He remembers hovering nervously in the bedroom doorway while Jayce healed Sephiroth--this will be twice, now, that Jayce stepped in to provide immediate aid for a fellow Summoned.

And he still won't call himself a mage.

"Yes, well, I might actually regret it."

Even standing is painful, though Jayce is sturdy and, as always, and he appreciates being offered a stable body to lean on. He holds his hand out for his crutch once he's on his feet, trying to push through the exhaustion for the promise of a bath and a warm bed.

"Thank you for coming to find me, Jayce."

Jayce will always have in his mind the image of that mage savior, who seemed so confident and powerful and brilliant, and while he loves magic with everything in him, it feels different. But he is getting very good at it; he said to Viktor once he felt like he was born for it, somehow. It comes so easily to him, although that could be from dedication and passion. But he is a mage. Sometimes he lets himself say that.

"We'll go home and get you in a nice hot bath, make some food, give ourselves a chance to rest. I'll give you a massage." As they both know, Jayce loves being the caretaker. It's as much for him as it is for Viktor. It's a different kind of care than this experience is, it's softer, more intimate. He really needs the mental break more than anything else.

He gives him the crutch but puts a hand on his back, his solid body nearby if Viktor wants to lean toward him. "I'll always come for you, love. You know that." They came here together and they'll leave together, they are a package deal.

Even only knowing the story of the mage from Jayce's retellings, Viktor knows how much that experience meant to him, and how much it probably means for him now. All he can do is encourage it, even as he feels a pang of something undefinable. Jayce is clearly proud of what he's accomplished here--Viktor knows he likes feeling needed, and it's not undeserved. He's proud of him, despite the circumstances.

"I'm not going to make you do more work. We'll get cleaned up, and eat something, and then rest."

They could both use a nap, and Viktor knows it's going to be his responsibility to ensure that it happens. He takes his crutch, but leans into the hand at his back regardless.

"Promise me you'll get some sleep."

"You know I don't think of it as work."

Jayce walks them toward the portal, his hand still firmly on Viktor's back and his arm nearby in case he still needs to lean. He's very good at being that support system in case Viktor needs a strong grip on him. Viktor's usually proud about this, but they're in an intense situation, both exhausted.

"Sweetheart, it'll be impressive if I manage to bathe before I fall into bed."

He nods as they walk past some people they know, although it's clear a changing of the guard of sorts is happening across the area, everyone being forced to take breaks as new people come in. It's not just them. The one thing the military can be known for is being extremely well-organized on these things. Jayce can't help but be a little protective of Viktor as soldiers pass them, putting himself unconsciously between them.

"I know you don't. But it is effort."

Viktor notices the shift change--that they're not the only ones packing up, which makes him feel slightly better about taking a break. Here, closer to the military and away from the quiet corner where he tried to catch his breath, Viktor tenses. Jayce can sense it, if the way he positions himself is any indication, and though part of Viktor wants to comment that he doesn't need protection from any of this, finds himself unable to muster the energy.

What this does remind him of is walking the bridge back to Piltover, with smoke in the air and Jayce's hand at the small of his back.

"I'm not letting you into bed before you're clean. Just so you're aware."

It's an instinct to protect him whether he likes it or not, and they pass by soldiers without anyone paying attention. Why would they? There's plenty going on, who is coming in and out of the portal doesn't matter right now outside of what they are there to do. Jayce is usually distrustful of the military, but he has become more so once internalized Viktor's concerns about their work being used.

"Luckily, we got a tub big enough for two."

They won't linger in it but at least they can do each step together. Wash, eat, sleep. They step through the portal and immediately everything is different. Cadens isn't full of smoke and death, it's familiar in its sand and life. Brighter, still bustling. It's a stark contrast and Jayce is a little startled by it. There is a lot of action going on right by the portal so they have to move out of the way quickly, but still.

Cadens is familiar so it doesn't take a lot of thought and he hefts the magic satchel on his shoulder, his hand still on Viktor's back.

"That was surreal."

Viktor doesn't respond, just makes an affirmative noise in the back of his throat. It all sounds more appealing by the minute, and he wills himself to keep moving, knowing that home is only a short distance away. They just have to move past the bustle of the portal.

And, he needs a minute, to get his bearings. It's always a momentarily nauseating experience, to step through. They both take a moment, and then start to make their way down the familiar streets.

Jayce is right that the difference is night and day, though the surreal comment gets a raised eyebrow from him.

"Yes, I almost forgot you haven't spent any time in disaster areas."

"No, I haven't."

Jayce went through some jarring violence right before coming here that left scars on him, as his disassociation proved not too long ago, but it still was never this constant. He could walk away from the bridge of death, and unfortunately, walk away from the damage he caused too. He didn't have to linger and witness the aftermath. He knows how lucky he's always been now.

He nods to people he knows as they walk by and he's never had much trouble with portal nausea himself. Jayce knows they both look like a disaster themselves so no one stops to ask any questions. As soon as they get into their apartment he drops his satchel down and sighs. He can't rest yet or he won't get up again. But it is relaxing to be home. The outdoors can be shut away.

Jayce kisses the top of Vitkor's head as he steps by him to go into the bathroom and immediately start the tub. Considering how disgusting they are, that really is on the top list of necessities. They both like it hot so it takes a little while to really get going.

"Do you need help with the braces, love?"

They make it back to the apartment and it takes Viktor a huge amount of willpower not to collapse on the bed. The only thing that stops him is the fact that they’re so filthy, but even then, he’s sorely tempted. Viktor compromises by slumping into the kitchen chair and sitting motionless for a good long moment. He’ll let Jayce be the one to move around the apartment taking care of things until he absolutely has to get up.

He pulls out his handkerchief and coughs again. Not the response he wants to give, but it’s not exactly something he can help, either.

“No, I’m okay.” If anything, it will occupy his mind, to do this slowly and methodically.

“When I was small, it was always one thing or another. A chem-spill or a factory accident. A mine collapse.” Viktor doesn’t really know why he says it. Partly because he’s aware Jayce desperately wants to know more about him, partly because Viktor wants to remind him that he’s accustomed to this, one way or another. “But it’s been a long time. I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like, to know that after the first day or two, all you’ll find are bodies.”

If Jayce was truly beyond tired, he probably would just fall on the bed and worry about cleaning up later. He does have a pretty good storage of internal energy, he's yet to really find his limit. This bumped up against it, but he is still doing pretty well outside of aches and weariness. The magic part really is what did it; if it was just physical, he probably could have been going a few more hours without trouble. He has to learn how to account for this new energy suck.

As the water turns from cold to hot he picks out a few easy things from the larder they can eat without needing to do extensive cooking. Just something to chew on since they're going to want to collapse in bed after the bath anyway. He brings Viktor water and a clean handkerchief on his way back to the bathroom. It's so easy for him now, to do these pragmatic gestures of care, after living and being together for months.

Jayce genuinely never had a clue how bad things were in the Undercity. Growing up, he always wanted to good, but it was a general concept, nebulous. It wasn't until Viktor came into his life that he really became more aware of how privileged his life was and how much Piltover turned a blind eye. And then it still took years before he actually saw it with his own eyes and didn't look away. Vi was right in her verbal attack against him, and he knew that, it's why he let her walk away with the gauntlets in the end.

So that sounds horrible, what Viktor is saying, but he is no longer as shocked as he would have been before. Jayce pulls his shirt off and puts it in the laundry bag, he is a very organized person in the home, it comes from living with a single mother. Anything to make it easier on her. "I'm sorry, V. That you went through that and have to relive it now."

He runs a hand over his face, all of him is dirty currently. "I walked by the place we had our date." It was rubble now. It was so small but so upsetting.

"There isn't anything to apologize for."

Jayce certainly benefited from Piltover's oppression of Zaun, but he wasn't singularly responsible for Viktor's rough childhood. Viktor is quick to dismiss that sentiment outright, mostly because he would rather focus on the mundane task of undoing the metal buckles around his leg and not think about anything at all. Jayce moving around him, opening cabinets and setting water down on the table for him which he forces himself to drink. It doesn't get rid of the cough, but he probably needs it, regardless.

He releases the uppermost straps of his leg brace and digs his thumbs into his thigh, squeezing his eyes shut, wincing, and trying to rub away some of the pain. Viktor doesn't regret going to Libertas, but he might be starting to think that pushing himself so hard was a mistake. He should know better.

"Places can be rebuilt." Leave it to Jayce to be so sentimental--to take something like that so personally. Viktor is choosing not to concern himself with damaged property, not when the lives that were taken are more important. "There will be other cafes."

"I don't have to be responsible for something to be sorry that it happened."

Jayce knows there's especially nothing he could have done for Viktor or the Undercity when he himself was a child. It's not his direct fault that any of that happened, nor is he taking that on him. His responsibility came in later when he had the power to enact change. But he can still be sad that Viktor lived through that and wish it hadn't happened.

"I know. It was just sad." Also he doesn't know if the owner did survive. It was rubble. They could have already taken out the bodies by that time. There was no one inside of it when he got there, but they weren't the first to arrive.

"Nadine and I got to a lot of people together." It was actually really great, to have someone next to him as they went out on a search together, or worked as a team. Jayce has always liked her since they ended up surprised medical student buddies, but he feels like they legitimately work together seamlessly, almost like him and Viktor but in a different bracket. It helps, in situations like this. "But not always in time."

He's seen more bodies today than he thought he'd see in his entire life. Jayce steps into the bathroom, it's definitely hot enough now, so he plugs it up so it'll fill officially. He can tell with how Viktor is massaging his thigh that he's going to need that heat.

Jayce goes back on his knees in front of Viktor, cupping his cheek. "Let me help with the back brace." Since Viktor is still working on his leg.

“You’re allowed to be sad.”

What he doesn’t want is pity, or more of Jayce blaming himself for any of this. Given his status as a healer, however, Viktor is not surprised to hear that Jayce spent most of the day directly caring for the injured, and perhaps more often than not unearthing bodies. He’s proud of him, for doing this, but he wishes desperately that these were not the circumstances. They’re both exhausted and trying to be strong for each other, but the cracks are starting to show.

Viktor, for his part, hurts everywhere, and the worst part is that he doesn’t even want to bother to hide it. Jayce kneels down in front of him and asks to help, but he shakes his head.

“No, I can do it.” He just needs to take this slowly. Methodically. “You helped a lot of people today. It’s time to look after yourself.”

"I am sad. I am very sad."

Jayce's guilt over what happened died when he and Jaskier had their talk and it meant so much to him, that the bard was so forgiving and then they were even bonding a little. It soothed that anxiety and he already has figured out ways to make up for it, once they get past the full brunt of all of this. He doesn't feel responsible for this attack, only one person is responsible for that. But he is definitely heartbroken and heartsick, after everything he's seen.

"I helped some kids too. I told them stories about Rio while fixing broken bones and injuries. I kind of did a stupid thing and used an illusion spell to show her. But they loved her."

It barely took any magical energy, it was an academic spell so incredibly easy, anyone could have made a cute little illusion spell, but since Jayce was supposed to be withholding his power, maybe he knows it wasn't the smartest move. But it made children smile during a really bad situation, so it probably was worth it. Jayce gets along well with kids, although it's difficult to look at any of them without thinking about the one he killed. At the moment he's too tired to be mad at himself about that, at least.

"Looking after you is looking after me, we're partners." Jayce kisses his forehead but he isn't going to push it, if Viktor wants to do it, he'll let him. "I think I have one of Nadine's potions around here." Not the expansive ones that they brought with them to Libertas, they're all used, but the normal ones that she gives for aches and pains. It won't fix the situation, but it might help.

He knows where it is and brings it to Viktor, handing it over before going to the bathroom to keep an eye on the bath before it overflows. It'll give Viktor time to work on himself before joining him inside.

Viktor thinks he's more angry than sad. The sheer injustice of it still hurts, and he feels so powerless in the face of everything that all he can really feel is a slow-burning rage. Still, he's too exhausted to properly act on it, leaving him feeling generally useless. Jayce is trying to help in all the ways that he knows, and Viktor wishes that it was enough.

But there isn't anything either of them can do about the circumstance they're in. At the very least, he tries to gain solace in the fact that he isn't facing it alone. Jayce's story about the children manages to get a smile out of him, in spite of everything.

"It sounds like they needed it." And, as always, it's such a kind sentiment that he can't help but soften his expression, fondness welling up in him. "You helped them. That's not stupid."

But he thinks Jayce understands that, despite everything. Viktor stays on the chair for a little longer, finishing with his leg brace and pulling his shirt off. He's less concerned about where his clothes end up, leaving a trail of them across the kitchen floor as he makes his way to the bathroom. By the time he gingerly hobbles into the doorway, he's just in his brace and underwear, the skin around the leather red and chafed. Viktor sinks down into a stool and starts working on it, latch by latch, just wanting to be near Jayce as he does so.

Jayce has an anger problem, something he's admitted to and only really became aware of recently, but he can't really seem to tap into that. Depression and sadness do come easier to him and linger longer. He couldn't really be ready for what he faced, but he didn't get sick once, so he counts that as a success.

He made children smile when they were suffering, but they shouldn't have had to be in that situation in the first place. It's so unfair and he also can't do anything about it. In one of the very first moments, Jayce wonders if he should try to be more active in the political sphere, if he had more authority and notice would it mean he could be a part of decision-making, but then he immediately rejects it. Even if that was possible, he proved that he cannot be trusted any more than the people here. His desire to help was sincere, but he was corruptible. He'll just have to find other ways. Healing is something real at least.

He has already stripped out of the rest of his clothes by the time Viktor comes in, and he's a little more neat about it, folding his pants and underwear on top of his shoes to the side. He will pick up Viktor's clothes when they head toward the bedroom later. He stops the water, it is quite hot now and needs a few seconds to cool, but it will feel very good, especially for Viktor's aches.

"Here, love, just let me help with this one while the water is cooling." Jayce kneels down and if Viktor lets him, he waits for the latches to be undone before he helps remove the back brace. It requires more twisting for Viktor and he's in enough pain. More than ever before, Jayce is actually aware of how sick Viktor looks, because he's also worn out, he looks fragile and pained.

Either way, Jayce steps into the bath first because they did get one big enough for two, but his body is the reason they had to do that. He's big. It's easier for Viktor to settle in around him or on him.

Viktor acquiesces, though it's not without some reluctance. His arms drop to his sides and he lets Jayce take over, the prospect of getting in the hot water slightly overriding his own pride. He holds still as Jayce reaches around him to finish unbuckling everything, wincing a little as he unclasps and lifts it off. Viktor stays on the stool for another moment, first to compose himself, then to slide his underwear off. The, he grabs for the handlebar next to the bath.

"Okay, I'm coming in."

A declaration of intent, so that Jayce can be ready when Viktor reaches out his hand for balance. Once he's steady, he lowers himself onto the edge of the bath and then slides in, fitting himself right up against Jayce's chest. The hot water is immediately relieving, and he lets out an audible sigh.

Jayce knows it grates against his pride so he must really need this to give in. It's very hot but it feels great and he has his hand waiting to help Viktor into the bath safely. It's very necessary and he's glad they stayed awake enough for it because this water will be dirty by the time they get out of it.

Instead of going for the soap right away though, Jayce puts his arms around Viktor once he settles against him and simply holds him. After everything they've been through today and the aches and pains it causes both physically and mentally, he needs to feel his boyfriend in his arms and take solace in it. Nothing is alright about the situation, but he generally feels like everything will be okay, as long as he has Viktor.

"I love you so much, V." He bites back saying he doesn't know what he'd do without him, how he could handle any of this alone, because it creeps too closely into a life surviving him. And that is the last thing he wants to think about right then, having been surrounded by death all day.

He ducks his head down to kiss his cheek, his big hands moving from around him to his shoulders. He gently massages them, very gently, knowing he must be strained, especially with the arm that has to hold the cane.

Viktor reclines, eyes sliding closed and all air in his lungs leaving in a slow exhale. He's not relaxed, and doesn't think he will be, not fully, but this is a start. He's also in no rush to actually get clean--they'll get to it in a moment. For now, all he wants is to simply be with Jayce and feel his closeness. It's no surprise that Jayce feels similarly.

He can read between the lines, and know what isn't being said. There's a waver in Jayce's voice that gives it all away, and Viktor wishes he could be more reassuring. Instead, he leans into the touch, then forward a little bit when Jayce starts to rub his shoulders. After a moment, he finally speaks up.

"Promise that you'll let me take care of you, next." It's easy to indulge in all this--a little harder to get Jayce to accept help, in turn.

It's difficult to spend a day with injured and broken people, and surrounded by bodies as well, and not grasp onto the one thing you don't want to lose. There were a lot of people who lost their partners during the attack and afterward. Jayce is so grateful to have Viktor, to feel him warm and alive, to hear him breathe.

"Of course, love. You need to help wash my hair, you know how important it is to me." Jayce smiles and kisses his cheek again, resting his head against Viktor's for now. He is joking, although his hair is one of the things he's vainest about, so also, not entirely joking. He wants every piece of dust, grime, and possibly blood out of it, thanks.

Since Viktor didn't tell him to stop he takes that as permission and keeps massaging his shoulders. Jayce is very thorough at this and goes a little deeper, careful to hear for whether it's too painful so he can go gentle again. His hands are large enough to span most of Viktor's thin torso easily and he rubs down into his back.

"What did you do today?"

"I can't be bothered to remember your regimen. We'll do it my way."

That is perhaps a little bit of a threat. But, yes, he'll be more than happy to occupy his mind with simple tasks like getting clean and doing a few basic chores around the flat. Anything to get his thoughts off of everything they experienced today, and his own pain.

Leaning back against Jayce and having those broad hands work over him is helping. The warm water starts to sink in, and already he feels his eyes start to flutter closed, conversation the only thing keeping him awake.

"Inventoried supplies. Repaired equipment. Helped where I could."

Arguably Jayce had the harder job, given Viktor's limitations, but it's clear that he's worn out, regardless.

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