abraxaslogs | [closed] they told me all of my cages were mental

[ with a hum, elrond runs his fingers over the bedding. this is his room. his space. his to imagine and build. he rubs his fingers together, feeling the texture between. ]

I find life is better served when I don't get too out of sorts over the latest difficulty.

[ and he has borne far worse. ]

And to know a whole other world when I had only one of my own . . . I must admit, the possibilities are exciting.

[He just stares at Elrond for a second, floundering for what to say, because there are few sentiments he could find less relatable than not getting too out of sorts over the latest difficulty. It confirms that his new roommate is precisely the kind of person who belongs here. Elrond will have himself all sorted out soon enough, while half a year later Wilhelm still feels like he's crashing from one day to the next.

Closing the lid of the trunk, he straightens out and shoves his hands into his pockets.]

I guess...that's one way to look at it.

[Possibilities — yes, Wilhelm feels that too, but maybe in a different shade. For him, it was a chance to start from scratch. Or as much from scratch as all the baggage allows.]

[ elrond chuckles softly, like the low chime of bells in the night. ]

It is my way, at least. I do not fault anyone else for having their own.

[Realizing that came out all wrong, he shakes his head.]

No, it's...it's cool that you have such a positive outlook. I was kind of freaking out when I first got here.

[He laughs, downplaying this understatement as a joke, a mildly funny thing to look back on.]

[ elrond tastes the word on his tongue. freaking out. panic, he supposes? ]

I appreciate any situation that does not involve me scurrying and hiding for my life. Perhaps I should subscribe to higher standards.

[He shakes his head with a chuckle, though he can't help but wonder what kind of life Elrond knew before he came here.]

That's fair enough. It's pretty nice that we can stay here for free, and we don't have to worry about food either.

[These are things Wilhelm tries not to take for granted. He's aware of what an enormous privilege it is to have never once wanted for any basic necessity in his life. With the silver linings, though, come dark clouds. His expression faltering, he chews on his lip. Being that Elrond ended up in his room, he feels somewhat responsible for helping him get his bearings, so he feels that he must mention—]

I don't know how much you've heard, but there's a lot of talk about war lately. This castle is probably the safest place to be, so...no scurrying and hiding for our lives, at least.

[ food and shelter are certainly not necessities elrond would ever take for granted. unlike many elves, elrond knows thirst. he knows hunger. he's tasted ash on his tongue when he was a child. he remembers the cold darkness of the cave where he was left. elrond. elf of the cave.

he tilts his head, a bird-like movement that would strike wilhelm as odd, as elrond's movements and mannerisms are not quite human. not quite of this world. there is an unspoken grace in his demeanor. at the mention of a war, his eyes go soft and sad with an age that is well-hidden. ]

And who are we warring with?

[There's something about Elrond that encroaches on...he's not even sure of the right word. Ethereal. Otherworldly. And not, like, in a gay, wow-he's-pretty kind of way — it's a strictly objective observation. It's something in the way he holds himself, the way he occupies space. Just as strange is the look in Elrond's eyes that tells of more strife than someone so young could have possibly seen.

Like so much about his new roommate, he's not sure what to make of it.]

The Free Cities.

[Pushing aside the book that he should really return to the library, Wilhelm takes a seat on the chest at the foot of his bed.]

The conflict goes way back, but it escalated a few months ago after one of the queen's favorite mages got assassinated. She blamed it on the Free Cities and...well, fired back.

[He leaves out the part where said favorite mage would probably still be alive if not for a botched defensive spell. And he especially leaves out the part where said defensive spell failed because of him. His eyes are on the floor more than on Elrond, while his hands knots together.]

[ ah. elrond is intuitive enough to pick up on that feeling of despondency. he reaches out to gently touch wilhem's shoulder, light as a feather but steady. gently, he asks: ]

Were you there?

[While at first Wilhelm tenses under the touch, soon his shoulders soften. He lifts his gaze to Elrond before casting it aside.]

Not exactly.

[Picking at his cuticles, he sorts out the story in his head.]

We were all on, like, a diplomatic, goodwill trip in Nocwich. It's this other country. [Some...where. His grasp of Abraxan geography remains loose.] Anyway, a representative from each faction was supposed to meet with one of the leaders of this place, but they were attacked in the middle of the meeting. There was an attack on the castle the same night.

Thorne must have already been on alert, because messengers from the castle found us and gave us these cards that had a spell, like, written into it or whatever. It just had to be activated. It was supposed to be a protection spell, but...something went wrong.

[He swallows.]

So...a man was killed, and a city was burned down in retaliation.

[ this is useful information. tangible and worth noting. it gives elrond a way to mitigate the war, now that he knows what caused its escalation. ]

And you blame yourself?

[His shoulders stiffen as his countenance tightens. Yes, his heart thuds.]

What? [It flies out sharp, more kneejerk reflex than question. He's quick to shake his head.] No, I never said that.

[Jesus, is he that obvious? Or is Elrond just that perceptive? Just calm down. Catching himself picking at his nails, Wilhelm crumples his hands into fists and crosses his arms. He gathers and releases a sigh.]

Isn't it natural to wish you could have done more?

Yes.

[ elrond concedes that easily, in a soft tone. his voice remains gentle, without any sort of condemnation. ]

But I sense you feel rather strongly about it.

[Elrond's gentle tone, as neutral as a truce, does nothing to lower Wilhelm's defenses. He feels cornered in this conversation, anxiety and paranoia compounding into one wild beast inside his chest. Until now, his room has provided him the space to ignore anyone he doesn't want to talk to. The space to fall apart when he's too exhausted from trying to hold himself together. Now that space is robbed from him by this bewilderingly serene and penetrating presence.

He knows that thought is unfair the second it cracks open in his head. Elrond has done nothing wrong; he's had no more choice in the matter than Wilhelm. But he thinks it nonetheless. Shrugging tightly, he grasps for something to say.]

Well, yeah. It's just super fucked up.

[There's a stubbornness in the set of his jaw, the furrow of his eyebrows.]

[ elrond hums, carefully stepping back so that wilhelm has some space. he can tell some barriers have been erected. unsurprising, considering elrond is a stranger. he is not hurt by it. ]

Yes, I imagine so.

[ he glosses over the slang, picking up on the meaning intuitively. ]

[His shoulders slope with a quiet sigh as Elrond steps back across some invisible divider. He feels bad that he isn't exactly providing the warm welcome that he's probably supposed to, but just because he has to share a room doesn't mean he has to share everything that's on his mind.

To make up for it, he considers offering to show Elrond around the castle town.]

Hey, um...

[The pause lingers awkwardly — his heart is still pitching a fit, as it often does when that night gets retrod. Clearing his throat, he scrubs a hand through his hair and wills himself to calm down. Just be cool. And strangely, as if he's invoked a magical incantation, all the tension burns away.]

If you want, I can show you around a little.

[Elrond, however, may feel a sense of dread creep in. It could be a worry that hides in the darkest corners of his mind, now loping to the forefront — or it could be a shapeless, nameless anxiety sinking its claws in.]

[ what is this strange sensation? elrond feels it curling around his heart like a vice. he inwardly frowns, as he attempts to process it without cutting his attention from wilhelm. ]

Yes, I would like that.

[It's strange to him too, the abrupt absence of that weight that so often presses on his chest and boughs his every thought. Unaware that he's once again stumbled upon some magic, Wilhelm supposes it's just because he's shifted his focus away from all his problems. (Though, it's never been this easy before to untangle his thoughts from them...)

Standing up, he offers Elrond a little grin.]

So, do you want to see more of the castle? Or we could explore the town. I know a few good spots.

[ elrond shifts on his feet. the weight is cloying, squeezing him in. something has taken hold and his attention span wavers. ]

The town sounds lovely.

[Busy pulling on a jacket — one that's padded for the chilly weather — Wilhelm misses the sideways shift in Elrond's demeanor. He's planning out where to take his new roommate. The sun won't be up for much longer, so maybe one of the taverns would be a good place to land.]

Okay. Well, if you're ready...

[He slants his head toward the door before he starts walking.]

[ elrond lets out a quiet, shuttered breath. he hasn't felt like this since — since — ]

Yes. I'm ready.

[Now Wilhelm notices — maybe because he himself has tried to steady himself with such a breath hundreds of times. Concern pinches his expression, and his hand pauses on the door.]

Hey, is everything okay?

[Maybe the full reality of the situation is sinking in, slow like a pebble drifting to the bottom of the ocean. Maybe Elrond's collected calm isn't as easy as he makes it seem.]

[ elrond sees no reason to lie at this juncture. ]

My heart feels like a stone. I do not know what has come over me.

[Nudging the door shut again, he fidgets with the handle behind his back.]

We don't have to go, if you're not feeling up to it. No pressure.

[He gives what he hopes is a reassuring smile.]

[ elrond shakes his head. ]

If I give into despair, then I have ceded that ground forever. And I cannot afford that.

[closed] they told me all of my cages were mental

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