abraxaslogs | There is a swelling storm and I'm caught up in the middle of it all

Jesper would not say he was intentionally avoiding his best friends, but he absolutely was. He was still around the inn, he still slept in the room with Inej, but he snuck around a lot. He usually was up early to go sell things, frantic considering he spent all of his (their) funds during the Heralds. It isn't that difficult to build it up again, especially not with his new eagerness to be away during an entire day, but it still hangs over him.

Even when he's there he's distant and not always comfortable talking, usually coming up with an excuse to change a conversation or leave it if the topic comes up. Jesper knows he can't avoid it forever, especially not when he owes them both an apology, especially Kaz, but it's weighed heavily on him. All that effort, gone. The heralds wrecked him, poured salt in the wound, stripped him of any self-control, exhausted him, made him hungry and desperate. It was a terrible week and he wants to forget it. If only it was that simple.

When he isn't selling things he's been working on his corecloth projects, having already outfitted himself with the final product and he has in mind everything for others. It is much harder work than his trinkets and takes so much focus and skill that it's an excellent way to get out of his head. It wears him out too which he likes, so at the moment he is lying on his bed, playing with a bracelet in his hand, waiting for Inej to get in.

And yes, this time, he is intentionally there and awake and not running out the door or waiting until late to try to avoid her. He is there.

Edited 2022-11-19 22:36 (UTC)

Inej has noticed the shift in Jesper’s routine. Leaving earlier. Staying out later. Staying anywhere but near Kaz or herself as much as possible. And she gets it. The heralds had attacked all of their weakest points, and Jesper is wracked with guilt for falling into the temptation of it.

She’s let it go, for a bit, let him try to come to his own senses about it but it seems like maybe this is something he can’t conquer on his own. She’s been debating the best way to approach the whole thing, certainly not wanting to make him feel worse than he already does.

Her routine is much the same as it’s always been and after a shift of bartending downstairs, she wends her way back up to the room she’s shared with Jesper for so many months now.

The door shuts with a soft sound behind her she looks up to find Jesper already in for the evening. A small smile slips across her face and she greets him with a soft, “Hey,” as she unarms herself, each of her three blades place in their ever-present place on the table beside her bed. Never far enough she can’t grab one of them. Just in case.

“What are you working on?” She asks, motioning to the bracelet in his hand.

When Kaz first arrived, Jesper had been so proud to tell him of his progress, and he kept the tokens from Inej like badges of honor. He always knew that it could be easy to lose, he struggled with the nightmares and almost lost himself sooner, but this time the temptation was too great. He still thought that since he kept getting through it, he was only proving he was strong enough, and started to be confident in himself. It's hard to crash so low after going so high.

When Kaz came and got him, it was one of the worst moments of his life, just the crushing weight of guilt on him and the knowledge it wasn't the end. Inej's kindness made him feel even worse than Kaz's disappointment. But he has licked his wounds, so to speak, and he never intended to disappear forever.

Jesper sits up when she comes in but doesn't move from the bed, further proof he plans to stay, but there is also a quiet in him that says he is ready to sit still. Not bounce around the room or distract with something shiny. He offers her the bracelet, a unique black metal with silver crow head clasp.

"Luna's new metal, they gave us a supply and I snatched some. I made one for you and Kaz. It absorbs magic, I got protection enchantments on them."

The metal was warped into the bracelet by him, and then he got a favor paid back from the blacksmith for the enchantments. Jesper is very good at making things these days, and it was an interesting process, trying a new type of metal with it. He could feel the strum of power in it, like his own "magic" was slipping through it.

“Oh,” she breathes it out when she realizes he’s made it for her. “That’s amazing, Jesper.” she accepts the bracelet and turns it over in her fingers. The clasp is unique, something only Jesper would ever consider making, and a smile touches her lips. “It’s beautiful.”

She unhooks the clasp and holds it back out to him, her left wrist held out as well. “Help me put it on?” She asks politely, that smile still on her face.

Jesper is fairly good at making pretty jewelry these days and he sells it a lot, although much of it is easily processed and closer to trinkets. Usually when he puts effort into making things, it's only for the people he cares about, like this. It makes him smile when she says it's beautiful; he only wants to make things that get her to smile.

His heart feels a little bruised currently but he's working on it. He sets the bracelet around her thin wrist and clasps it. Afterward, he decides to go a step forward and hesitantly curls his fingers into hers. His other hand caresses down her arm, over the tattoo Dean gave her.

"It'll protect you. If something comes at you, raise it up and it'll set off the enchantment."

“Is it a single-use enchantment?” she asks, curious. Her smile warns when his fingers curl around hers and she squeezes back gently. A silent permission— it’s okay.

She rests her knee against the mattress, hesitating only briefly before she commits to the thought in her mind. She pushes gently at the center of his chest, nothing to actually move him so much as give him the idea that he should.

When he obliges and leans back in the bed again, she tucks herself against the solid wall of his chest and rolls down with him, resting her back against him, tilting her head up to try and look at him. “You have to stop being so glum-faced,” she challenges him, a faux pout on her lips. “Or are you trying to beat Kaz in a game of who can wear a sour face the longest? It’s a very ambitious goal, but I don’t think you can beat him, honestly…” her tone is all light teasing, but she means it— she’s worried, he’s hiding and she doesn’t like it.

Edited 2022-11-27 18:16 (UTC)

"No, it should work for a little while. I think it wears off in a few months so it needs to be re-applied, but it lasts."

Jesper doesn't fully understand Abraxan magic itself, honestly. He is very on top of his own abilities now and he has learned a few casual spells so he can do thing she wouldn't ordinarily. But he got the enchantment in exchange for something else, he still does have his connections and people who owe him favors. That's always going to be true about him.

Jesper follows her lead without question, not fully understanding why she wants to move him until she does. When she folds herself into his body, into a welcome embrace, he feels both comforted and guilty, a pretty common combination when it's her. He knows how important it is when she not only accepts affection but leans into it on purpose, so he wraps an arm around her.

"I'm currently responsible for his sour face, so mine is all-encompassing."

Not that Kaz has blamed him directly or put that pressure on him. There were a lot of things going very wrong thanks to the gods, none of them were untouched by it, but he's still haunted by the memory of Kaz's face when he slammed the crow head down on the betting table.

"I messed up in like ... every possible way I could, Inej. There is no area in my life that I didn't make worse."

"But it wasn't you. Not really. You were being influenced by an outside source."

She reaches for his hand and idly plays with his fingers, pulling each one back one by one until his hand is played in mid-air, then folding each one back into his palm. He lets her, probably because he's arguably the most tactile person in all the Crows, save Nina who matches his physical affection love language.

She tips her head up again to steal another glance at him. "Whether something is deemed god or demon is determined only by how something bigger than us interacts with us," she insists, going back to her game with his fingers. "It's just as much truth as it is personal perception. If you have a good experience, you'll think in positive lights, and the opposite in the reverse. It's natural- Good is light, darkness is bad, but what of the gray spaces of twilight and dawn?"

She pauses and frowns a little, "Does that make sense?" Sometimes, she wonders if any of it ever does to anyone else. She takes a deep breath and lets it out in a huff, tries again. "I just mean- your whole being is not a house of cards, shattered with one slight breath, Jesper. One action, or a series of them, does not define everything you are. If it did-" her jaw tightens. "then none of us could ever move on from anything."

If it did, she was still a Little Lynx.

And that isn't something she can accept.

"Influenced, but I let it happen. Sometimes I embraced it even. Enjoyed it. I felt sick and incredible all at once."

Jesper definitely felt the influence, he's always had a sort of sick/adrenaline shine to him when he's in the midst of his addictions, but this was a whole new level. He knew something serious was going on, something picking away at him. And he chased that feeling anyway. Few things can ever compare to the high he gets when he's giving into all his weaknesses.

He used his influence on others too, feeling a rush from that too, from encouraging other people into his same type of madness. Jesper can be a ruthless fighter but he's never cruel, not intentionally, and there was definitely some cruelty underneath the mischief. It's left him feeling very out of sorts. He listens to her then, trying to wrap his mind around what she's saying.

He lets her play with his hands and gives his whole hand and arm to her, to whatever she chooses to do with it.

"I think a part of me thought I was past it. That maybe using my Grisha abilities so much took it away, not entirely, but enough."

Jesper still knew he had the hunger in him, it nipped at his heels during bad times, but it always felt like something he could overcome now. Easier and easier with every passing month of living with it. And while not cured, it felt managed. Maintained. And maybe a footnote someday. Now it's all back in him.

"How can I move on when I'm always one bad day away from this?"

"Jesper, you know just as well as I do, when the Singularity and other things that affect us here, there is no fighting it," the corners of her lips shift just slightly into the tiniest of smiles when he offers his whole arm to her. She pushes his sleeve out of the way and traces patterns he wouldn't recognize against the inside of his arm. "It's mystical, it's from something full of magic we don't truly understand, it's possibly from old gods pissed off that the world, by and large, has stopped believing in them. It's not pure will, and you can not shoulder something that forced your hand."

She shakes her head, "The things we have to change about ourselves, to keep in check, they're never over, Jesper. You could go ten years and never touch a gambling hall, but that doesn't mean you'll never be tempted again. No more different than... maybe one day I don't need people to constantly telegraph every time they plan to touch me, but some time when it happens, unexpected, it's going to hit all wrong in that moment even if it was completely innocent..."

She trails her fingers down to the inside of his wrist, drawing a heart pattern with her index finger, "The things that scar us never go away, they only fade, the problem is... these things, they aren't visible scars, there's no physical reminder of them, only mental and emotional which makes it harder to remember it's still there when that string hasn't been plucked in just the wrong way in awhile."

"Other people managed. They were stronger. I gave in so quickly, Inej. It barely had to pull my strings." Jesper knows that everyone had their own struggle and dealt with it in their own way, but it's difficult not to see how fragile he was in comparison. Not everyone fell into it easily. Not everyone wanted more of it. Kaz had to come drag him away, and up until that moment he'd been so happy, that fake and brittle joy.

He shakes his head and turns to face her more squarely, although it's easy to still keep her curled up close, he's so long and tall compared to her tiny frame. So apparently he's decided he's ready for eye contact again, something he's been avoiding. There is weariness and sadness in his eyes, they're drained of some of their spark, although not completely gone. Just dimmed. He lets her keep his arm though, to do as she wants, so she can still control wherever they're touching.

"Your reaction is much like Kaz's, you two can't help it, it's from trauma that was done to you. Mine ... it's still all my choice. My addiction isn't involuntary. I did it to me."

And yes it is because of the Grisha sickness and because of learned behavior, he has reasons behind it, it didn't come out of no where. But he can't see it as the same thing as what she experienced. Scars or not, hers were not self-inflicted. Jesper tries not to ever put her in the position she's talking about, he's the one who is very good at telegraphing.

"I couldn't be there for you two. I could only think about myself."

Jesper can be selfish but overall he does put himself on the line for other people, he is quick with comfort, quick with wanting to be depended on. But this glaring problem is where he's weakest and unable to think clearly. Yet he knows Kaz and Inej dealt with their own versions, the pain they went through he couldn't help them with. He was too caught up in his own desperation.

Edited 2022-12-10 21:00 (UTC)

"It doesn't make you weak, it makes you human," she insists, tangling their fingers together and squeezing his hand in her own. "That's where you're wrong. Addiction isn't just a choice. Yes, you made choices that led you to it, but it's something in you that makes you prone to it. Not just being Grisha- I think... I think maybe the reason it made you sick in the way that it did is that you were prone for it already anyway. Gambling is really no different than someone using drugs- it's a rush that hits all the good feelings. But you are blessed, and that makes it more intense," she squeezes his hand in hers again, "Makes you an easy target for influential magic like that."

"Some people are better at sports than others. Some are best at maths or planning or music- that doesn't make someone else who's worse at those things any less important as a person. It's the same here, it's just an unfortunate thing that you're better at in this case." After a moment, she untangles her fingers from his and leans up on one arm, pressing her other one across his chest.

She's laying half-across him, turned to face him, "Jesper, it was us not being there for you. We hid away in the Horizon for... I don't know how long. Maybe if we'd been together, all three of us..." she tilts her head forward and it tips her braid slightly to one side. "But you won't blame us for that, will you? So why blame yourself of the very same things?"

She pokes a finger into his chest with each break in her words, "Stop- being- mean- to my friend," she smiles brightly at him. "I happen to care about him a lot."

"Blessed," he says sarcastically. It is what his mother would say. Zowa. Jesper used to believe that too until it killed her. He's been using them more often here and they do feel like gifts, most of the time. He can use them to make money or help people out. With slightly less fear than he would have in Ketterdam. No Fjerda or Ravka threat in the back of his mind. But if it's his 'blessing' that led him down this road, he's not always sure he wants it.

"You had to hide. You did what you had to do." And his immediate defense of them in a way he can't for himself just seals the fact of what he's doing. What she calls him on right away. Jesper would defend the two of them and never put the responsibility on them. And a lot of the time he is better at letting things go against himself. Just not this.

He smiles when she pokes him, smiles for the first time this conversation, and catches her hand so she'll stop prodding at him. "I forgot what it felt like, and now it's like I'm back there." The problem is that being on that high makes him feel as good as it does bad. It's euphoria but also sickening when he's at that level. He misses it already. It's just going to be an uphill battle again when he feels battered down.

He laces their fingers together and looks at her. They're so close. "You're so much more than my friend." Jesper brings her hand to his mouth, kissing the knuckles. "You're my Inej."

"You are," she insists, leveling him with a look. "Do you think Sankta Alina felt like a Saint when she went through her trials? Blessed does not mean your life is free from strife, you might be touched by it more than most… being blessed isn’t a lack of tragedy, but the resilience of you through it."

She watches that smile spread across his lips and it bursts something bright in her chest to see it. That’s the one. Not everyone sees this particular smile, she’s sure of it. He has certain ones tucked away, only for the view of certain people. This one is hers, she’s seen it before, it warms her from the inside out to see it.

“You are a brilliant, amazing person, Jesper… and I know it’s exhausting, but you are so resilient. You’ll get through this, too.” she’s sure of it, and she’ll be with him every step, just like she always has been.

He tangles their fingers together and something in her settles. Makes her breathe a little easier, despite the mild anxiety still singing against her skin.

He’s heard her say her next words to Kaz, but has no idea if he remembers what they mean, “moj hjerte je tvoje,” she whispers it to him in a low tone, and her eyes drift briefly to Jesper's lips, her own rolling together as she lowers her gaze back to their linked fingers– she could distract him– and her cheeks heat at the thought flickering through her mind.

Jesper's met a version of Sankta Alina and he would say she herself was a trial for him. "I really hope I'm not on the same path, I would be a terrible saint. There is nothing saintly about me." Also he'd have to martyr himself and be capable of something extraordinary. And that's very sacrilegious, he knows that, but he finds it pretty funny. The idea of him as one. Sankta Jesper. Known for being too friendly and a cad.

Jesper often tells himself that he is a brilliant, amazing person, and if anyone says it to him, he usually laughs and agrees. And most of the time he really does feel that way, but she knows better, she knows he hits these low lows, where he can't see his way out of it. When he can't like himself let alone love himself, faced with the darkest sides. He knows she means it though. From her it's always pure and good and true.

He does remember the words, things he expects to hear thrown Kaz's way, but not his own. What they've shared has been intensely close in their own specific way. They've become a bonded pair in many ways since he showed up here. And he's always been incredibly careful, never indicating for a moment that he has interest in her outside of platonic. He never wants her to look into his eyes, see desire, and have it remind her of the men she knew.

"You're just like me, aren't you?" Jesper sees the way she looks at his lips and tries not to lick them out of pure instinct. "Knowing that there's no limit to the heart and how much love we're capable of giving." Maybe that's why it has always been so easy for them.

"I just ... want to make sure the way I love you makes you happy. Not ... anything else." It's an admittance that it is something on his mind a lot, being cautious with her, gentle.

“Not every Grisha becomes a Saint, you know that. You might not be. Unfortunately we can’t ever really know that ourselves,” chances were, if he did somehow end up being added to The Istorii Sankt'ya, it would be long after they were gone, somewhere in the next generation of people. She thinks she understands why it’s a scary prospect, to even potentially have that hung above your head, but she’d never really feel anything in quite the same way. It’s an experience she can’t ever truly share with him. But she can support him through all the curves of it.

There is no denying that she is much closer to Jesper now than ever before, their time here has certainly added layers they never would have had back home. It makes it a natural progression to be with him like this. Close. Intimate. In ways that are very much beyond reasonable levels of platonic friendship if the pace of her heartbeat is anything to judge by.

That first question isn’t clear and she squints a little, tilting her head to one side as she considers it but he clarifies and her smile brightens. “Oh, yes. Love… whatever shape it takes, familial… friendship…” the hesitation is brief, barely a second, but it’s noticeable and it makes hiding the nervous huff impossible. “Other ways… it spills across everything sometimes like paint. It can be messy, but it can be so, so beautiful, too, even in the abstract.”

She reaches up to touch her fingertips to his cheek, folding her fingers in to brush her thumb high across his cheekbone. “Oh, Jesper,” she sighs out his name softly, “you do… I promise.” She doesn’t know how to put it into words, but she’s nearly choked with the desire to try. “I feel… special, when I’m with you,” she admits softly, the thumb of the hand still tangled with his slides against his hand as she speaks. “And it’s different than the way I feel with Kaz. Neither is bigger or better than the other… they’re just different. And I need you both.”

She lets a thought that strikes her fill her up and guide her movements, just a little, and leans in a bit closer. She could kiss him, she’s certainly close enough now, but instead, her teeth find her lip and she looks up at him through her lashes, “I want you to kiss me,” she murmurs softly, her heart is thumping wildly in anticipation inside her chest.

Jesper's always been aware of his feelings for Kaz and Inej. The ones he had for Kaz were out there, easy for her to observe and talk to him about, but it's not as if she was sexless to him. She's beautiful, brilliant, funny, compassionate, he has always wanted them both, but wanted them to be happy more than anything. And assumed together was the best way. He's not someone who really 'gets over' people. He can just reframe the love he still has.

There were complications too, between the three of them, that made him think this was just never going to happen. And Jesper was okay with that. In a way, all this time ten months in, she was still untouchable to him, because she and Kaz were one entity in his mind. The three of them are also an entity. It's a close bond. Kaz opening up like this has opened up the door for all three of them.

His breath catches when she touches his cheek, her soft fingertips caressing and leaving a dusting of heat behind. "You are special. You're mine and I'm yours." And it is in a way that is only theirs. They may belong to more than one another, but as they've just discussed, that doesn't limit what this bond is between them. There is no limit. "I would've gone crazy without you here all these months. You're the only thing I've needed." They've had each other to cling to all this time. Almost a full year, only them.

His heart is absolutely pounding, so loud he could swear it is filling the room, and she could kiss him, she is coming closer to him. His eyelashes close halfway, enough to look at her through them. The fact she's biting her lip is rude. Jesper smiles at her, a flicker of a soft one, her smile. If it was anyone else he might say a joke. But this is too monumental a moment for them to do that.

Instead he closes the very few inches of space between them and kisses her. As far as kisses go, it is chaste. A press of their lips together, warm and gentle, like he is afraid of breaking something beyond valuable.

Jesper has always been important to her nearly as long as she’s known him, but she never looked at it much deeper than that. She hadn’t needed to until recently. Maybe it was always there, and she’d simply needed the right thing to spark it.

There is a strange line that she knows must be difficult for him to balance on- somewhere between ”I am not made of glass, do not touch me like you might shatter me,” and keeping every ounce of her agency in her own hands. For a boy with such eager hands and hungry eyes, it can’t be easy, but he respects her maybe even more than he loves her. And that, in turn, makes her love him even more.

There is that soft hesitancy in him, tentative and chaste, and a little unclear of where the new line is meant to be drawn. It’s okay, she can help him learn the new limits he’s apparently just been allowed to have.

She deepens the kiss, draping across him and pushing it over the edge of tentative to eager to explore. But not without pausing to look at him, her forehead pressed against his, happily crowding into his space like this. “I am not made of porcelain, I’ll let you know if I need you to stop or slow down.”

Not that she’s expecting much more beyond a few kisses, but it’s a new territory for them, which is both exciting and terrifying, and she wants to quell any worry she can. “I trust you, Jesper,” she mumbles it against his lips, his name lost somewhere in his mouth as she kisses him again.

Jesper respects her so much he would have never put a single finger on her without her say so, and that's been true from the day they met and he realized her hesitance. They found a way to be affectionate over time and always with her permission, reading her body language and adapting to what she feels safe for. So this is normal for them. Him, testing the waters, and her, controlling the flood.

He is filled with relief when she drapes on him, takes over the kiss and deepens it by her own will, so he knows what he is allowed. Jesper is excellent at adjusting to his partners as they go. He puts an arm around her and pulls her right up against him so there's not much space between them, and there doesn't need to be. She is safe with him.

"Maybe I'm the one who needed to go slow," Jesper murmurs, teasing. Or maybe not teasing. It's monumental to be kissing Inej and the sort of thing that should be savored. But his other hand slides into her hair and he kisses her for real. With purpose and passion, although instead of trying to explore her mouth, he opens his own to encourage her to be the explorer. All of him is for her to learn, if she likes.

"I love you." He says it when they come up for air, nuzzling his nose against hers.

Jesper was good at reading people, he always has been. Comes with the gambling and the thieving, really. But it made it easier with him sometimes because he could kind of always tell when she was receptive to it. And when he wasn't sure, he was always good to ease into things.

Oh. This is different. His hands are in her hair and his touch is still so gentle. His fervor in the kiss fills her up in a way that's like a pleasant wave of warm sunlight. She gasps softly against his mouth when he pulls her closer. She doesn't notice the tears that spill onto her cheeks as she kisses him again, taking that open invitation to explore a little further.

The smile on her lips is watery as she whispers back, "I love you, too."

There is a way to have passion without having hunger, to want something so much but only exactly as it is. That is how he feels right then as they kiss and get to know one another in this new way. Jesper lets her explore and meets her, stroking their tongues together gently, going at it from a sensual route. So that every second counts and he can focus on the feel of her dark hair in his fingers, the taste of her tongue, the softness of her lips, the heat of her body as she lets him hold her close.

He does move his hand from her hair so he can brush the tears off her cheeks. He knows better than to let that immediately get him to panic, because sometimes tears are good, and this is all big and new to them. So he is going to kiss her cheeks afterward, soft brushes of his mouth to the curve of her jaw, and then playfully at the tip of her nose.

"I can't believe I'm kissing you right now."

Her smile brightens as he kisses her cheeks, “It’s not you,” she promises in a soft whisper. “Well- it is you, but not in a negative way?” She huffs a soft sound, irritated at herself for being so emotional. “No one’s ever… kissed me like that.” No, even the more timid and nervous clients had always been rough with their need of her.

She scrunches her nose a little and laughs softly at him. “Why can’t you?” she folds her arms on his chest to rest her chin on top of her hands to stare up at him.

"Well I'm going to kiss you all the time like that." He proves exactly that by kissing her, lingering and sweet. Jesper understands what she's not saying and there's no use in him getting furious for her all over again. Instead he can help heal some of that by providing her the opposite, something she'll actually want instead of endure.

He smiles at her, brushing his fingers through her hair in a constant caress. "I've wanted to kiss you for a long time, but I didn't think it would happen." Not just because of the obvious reason between them now. He didn't feel right, trying to hit on her no matter how sincere. "It was always you and Kaz and then me on the outside. And I didn't want to get in the way."

Oh.

She lingers in that kiss with him, so gentle and sweet. It’s such a stark difference to what she knows, and it makes her a little dizzy with happiness. Her fingers curl into the material of his shirt, fingers pressing flat above his heart when the kiss ends so she can feel the steady rhythm under her hand. “Thank you,” she whispers softly.

“You have?” she can feel her cheeks flush at his admission. Maybe it shouldn’t be a surprise, all things considered, but somehow he always manages to surprise her. “You don’t still feel that way, do you? On the outside?” Perhaps a silly question considering the moment, but she wants to be sure.

"Thank you," he whispers back. She doesn't have to be grateful for him being sweet, but it's alright, Jesper understands she's handling this the way she has to. He will keep being who he is and someday that healing will be an afterthought.

He chuckles at her question and she blushes and it's so cute. Jesper can't help kissing those flushed cheek, wanting to make her giggle and blush and be like any other teenage girl kissing a cute teenage boy. She deserves normalcy like that. "No, not since he let us in." Jesper was never really worried about him and Inej. He figured it was always possible they could work things out together, one way or the other. Kaz though. They both know he's hard.

"You and Kaz, you two are a part of me. More than my heart, you two are in my soul. It's just confirmation, that we all feel that way."

There is a swelling storm and I'm caught up in the middle of it all

For Inej

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my heart is yours

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might be time to wrap this, so sweet